After having my little one...
Things changed after having my little one. My DH and I married when my stepson was 4 (he's now 7.5). Everything was great; I loved him a great deal and enjoyed doing things for him. I took my role as a stepmom very seriously. However, after my son was born, something changed. I no longer wish to do anything for my stepson and wish he would never come over (he's over one night every week and every other weekend). Everything he does annoys me. My one year old biological son adores him but I can't stand the sight of him. And I feel terrible about my feelings. It's also causing problems/arguments between my husband and I. When I agreed to marry him, I knew what I was getting into but I couldn't predict that my feelings would change. I just want my son to be the center of our world. I also hate that everyone (especially his paternal grandmother) goes out of their way to be nice to him because his parents are divorced. They don't realize he gets 2 of everything: two birthday parties, two christmases, etc. My son only has me and gets only one of everything. We can't afford to buy him whatever we want because my stepson gets so much of child support.
I just hate feeling this way 24/7. Even when he's not with us, all i can think of is when he'll be back and I'll have to deal with it. Can anyone offer any advice? I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I understand how you feel and
I understand how you feel and I often feel the same way about my SS13.
Here are a few things that might help:
- Act as if: even though you don't love him or have the same feelings towards him, act as if you do.
- Remember that no matter how much money you and DH are putting towards him, he is still at a disadvantage as he does not have his BM and BD working together, in the same home, to raise him. Just as you want your child to be the center of your world, SS deserves to have his parents want the same thing... but he'll never, never have that as he now has two worlds.
As a mother, you have natural feelings to protect your own, even if it means pushing another aside. Just remember that the boy is innocent in all of this and is a product of his environment.
(Now if I can just remember my own advice when dealing with my SS who is with us full time).
My gdauther has had a sm from
My gdauther has had a sm from birth. The sm didn't have any children at the time gdaughter was born. The daddy was living with my daughter and they broke up when my daughter was 5 months along and he got with SM. From the get go SM made gdaughter call her mom as soon as she could speak. My daughter was put through hell by the daddy and sm. Now 6 years later SM has had 2 daughters of her own and no longer wants to be around gdaughter any more than she has too.Its really sad because my gdaughter grew up loving this women like a mom and now she doesn't want her around. Kids don't understand this.
I have know idea how to tell you to change how you feel. I do understand that love for our bio children is way stronger than any love we may have for other children. Non of this is ss fault. I never tell people to pray on this site because I know that everyone has different religious beliefs. So no offense meant but that's what I think you should do.
All you can do is pray for a
All you can do is pray for a better attitude. Realize that spoiling by grandparents and getting two of everything is not this kid's fault. We can stew in resentment and find others here who will resent right along with us or we can consciously try to have a better attitude. What you are feeling is normal so don't beat yourself up too bad.
Thanks for all the advice. I
Thanks for all the advice. I have been praying and working on my attitude. I forgot to mention that my stepson has NO IDEA I feel this way and never want him to. He thinks the world of me and tells everyone he has two moms. He's a sweetheart and a great kid. I just hate that I have these feelings. I don't want to be that kind of a stepmom.
You're very lucky in one
You're very lucky in one regard, having such positive feelings toward your SS.
With me, I came along with SS was 11 and he didn't like anyone intruding right from the beginning. He's cordial to me at times and has an attitude with me at other times.
I feel sorry for him and try to do right by him, but I don't have those feelings of love towards him and wonder if I ever will.
I still try to be nice, take care of him, not say bad things about his loser of a mom that abandoned him for 7 years and try to build him up and teach him discipline and self-respect. I try to set a good example, but sometimes I resent him greatly. I'm not proud of my feelings either but they are what they are.
Remember it's ok to have certain feelings but it's the way that you act and behave that is remembered.
From a psychological
From a psychological standpoint you are feeling the natural protective instinct a mother has. The "attitude problem" is a subconscious reaction. You feel threatened by the SS because you feel like he is somehow taking time and energy and love away from your own son. But honestly you just have to take some time to step out of the situation and really look at it. Your SS has a FRACTION of the time with you and DH as your son has nd when he is with you he isnt taking from your son, he is giving. You said it yourself. he is a sweetheart and your son adores him. Its never a bad thing to have another person be it a parent step parent aunts uncles grandparents or siblings to be there for you and love you. Your SS will be the "big brother" who will no doubt look after him and help him grow throughout their lives. The simplest thing you can do it consciously correct your emotions. Accept that you have them and that it is natural, but also accept that it is something you can control. you dont have to let it consume you. You are never wrong for how you feel but how you cope with and react to it IS something you can control. Every time you have those thought or feeling just tell yourself "STOP" say it out loud if you have to. Then make an effort to remind youself of the good things your SS means you you your son and your family. It will seem dumb as hell at first but if you make the effort to correct your reactions to the feelings it will get easier. stop negative associations and build positive ones. its call NLP (neuro linguistic programming)Every time you have a thought it crosses your pathways in your brain and forms a connection...like cookies on your computer... once the connection is made the brain will follow it more easily the next time it happens. you have to literally reprogram your brain to remove the negative pathway and replace it with a positive one. and im rambling, but anyway i hope this helps. For your sake and that of your children... because remember...they are BOTH your children. Good luck!