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Work away from home, ignored out aside when home.

TruckDriverSD's picture

As my name suggest I am a truck driver.  I am out 4 weeks and home 5 days.  Occasionally I get through for a night here and there between hometime. 

I have been with my fiance for nearly 3 years.  We used to fall asleep on the phone at night together since I travel all 48 states.  She would text fairly often through day,  post and react to social media.  She maybe let her d sleep in her bed once every few months.  Would allow for date nights and her d even encouraged them.  We used to do all things together from going to store to me never missing a soccer practice or game if I was home.  (Fiance plays adult leagues and her D is in club soccer)

 

She was living with her parents,  and than this may we got our place together.  It has just turned into a lonely, draining and seems just forgotten relationship. I feel like a glorified roommate.  

I am the main household income,  when I am home I pitch in on choirs etc.  While my fiance makes a little from working from home but not much other than covering her phone and car insurance.

When I am gone her D sleeps in our bed with her,  when I am home I am lucky if my fiance sleeps in our bed and not on the couch having a movie night with her d. Phone calls are short,  few texts and no social media.  

Not asked anymore about doing grocery shopping,  soccer practices and such yet am almost not invited. 

Her D constantly gives attitude now,  rude and disrespectful to me.  Last night I had my hand on my fiance's knee and her D pushed my hand away from her mom. 

We were planning to go camping this weekend,  but was cancelled due to weather.  So we decided to pitch the tent in the living room. Her daughter set it up and put my fiance's pillow on one side and nine on other side with her own in the middle. 

By the second or third day of hometime other than first time I had it since we have moved in together I am ready to hit the road knowing at least I can justify feeling neglected, lonely etc because I am on the road and focus on work.  

This year we have had intamate alone time maybe 4 times (I only recall 3 but maybe a fourth)

I feel lost, lonely and forgotten.  I love them with all my heart but even after talking about this it seems she doesnt have the will anymore to put time into us and is letting her daughter control her time.

tog redux's picture

Sounds like your GF is lonely since moving out of her parents' house and has made her daughter her emotional support.

This is bad for you and really, really bad for her daughter.  It's not unusual for single parents with one kid to get enmeshed with the kid and have a relationship that seems more like peers than Adult-Child. It means your GF is having her daughter meet her emotional needs and that's damaging to kids. It feels powerful and really nice at first, but in the long run it creates huge problems for them.  Having a boyfriend who is gone for a month at a time doesn't help either.

I'm guessing too, that her parents helped her with parenting and structure and would have addressed it if she had her DD sleep with her every night. 

I wish I had good news, but unless your GF can see what she's doing to you and her daughter, your relationship is probably not going to make it.

Rags's picture

Long distance relationships are challenging.  I have worked remotely from my family periodically during our 24+ year marrage.  We actually talk more when we are apart than when we are home together every night.  That is critical to nurturing the bond and relationship.

The longest was 5mos over which I saw my wife only two weekends and our son only once.  Another was for 7mos but I was home nearly every weekend.

One challenge in these situations is that the rest of the family develops revised relationships and revised ways of dealing with household and normal life activities. When we get home we expect to settle in to the status quo that was in place before we left.  THe fact is they have been fine without out. They have dealt with household and family events, established new relationship norms, etc, etc, etc.....  and when we come home we are the disruptive influence.

I learned during the 7mos of being gone during the week and home on weekends that I had to adjust to the new family dynamic and not expect everyone else to adjust to me when I was only home 48 hours per week.  You may want to approach the discussion with your SO from that perspective and adjust your own perspective.

I do agree that it is imperitive for you and SO to get back into your nightly call routing.  

Even when I am  on international assignment for months we make sure to speak a couple of times per day, trade emails and texts and just make the effort to stay connected.

Good luck with your relationship.

 

SecondNoMore's picture

Am I understanding this correctly? You are gone 4 weeks straight and then get five days at home? I think that schedule will breed resentment and distance over time from most partners. I have no idea how you build a life with someone keeping that schedule. It sounds like you are providing for her, though, and if she can't deal with the lifestyle, she shouldn't let you foot the bill and should leave. 

From personal experience, I'm not surprised she remains distant when you are home. There's barely enough time in five days to reconnect and then as soon as you get comfortable, there's the disappointment of you leaving again. If she cares about you, she is probably keeping her distance to spare herself those feelings. I dated a pilot with a better schedule than this (21 days gone, 10 home), there were no kids involved and I could only deal with that for a few months before I cut bait despite being absolutely crazy about the guy. It is not a lifestyle that suits most, no matter how much money is involved.