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SD Spy Reports to BM & DH Guilt

PlumBacterium's picture

New here! Any updated advice on spying & reporting to BM? SD has messaging capabilities to her mom on multiple apps & is hardly without contact through the day, in addition to normal nightly bedtime call. Being home during Covid has made it worse. We are working on new time limits for devices & not allowing phones in bedrooms (shes been "trained" to run into her room & close the door). Of course the attention is never returned to DH & the "single dad guilt" is work in progress. Thoughts? Thank you!

hereiam's picture

Your husband can keep command of her cell phone in your home.

Cell phones were not yet the norm when my SD was a minor and coming over so we did not have that problem. In fact, SD did not ever talk to her mom when she was at our house.

Had cell phones and spying been an issue, we would have simply had a no cell policy, as we have kept our land line so if she really needed to call her mom, she could have used that.

My DH was not a "guilty dad", though. Still isn't, although I'm sure SD28 wishes that he were.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

You can have your own rules in your home but also what is she reporting back exactly?

I see this on the site from time to time about skids "reporting back to BM". I know my little puppet of a SS does the same but honestly, I don't care what he tells her anymore. The wicked witch has no power here! 

We have cameras in our home for our protection against any false accusations. I made it clear to SS that if he wants to say that we did anything he better have a date and time because I have it all being stored. (My story is very long but there was hints of false abuse a few months ago in court that neither the judge or the 2 attorney's ever even acknowledged, however SS said it and I don't play that game.)

As for  the dad guilt- that takes a long time to go away. The big thing he is going to have to realize is that he is being played.

tog redux's picture

We were just careful not to ever, ever say anything to SS that we didn't want BM to know. He never tried to FaceTime her or anything from our home, but he sure sent her information.  I didn't care if BM knew what we had for dinner, as long as she didn't know the important stuff.

shamds's picture

what we wore, what we said or did, where we went and even pics of my toddlers which they didn’t have permission to take. 

I told hubby to have his daughters aged 14 & 24 conditioned by bio mum to report the most unimportant shit and everything about us is a total disrespect of our privacy. Then to have them barely seconds into our car reporting out of their own free will what they told mum and stepdad about us and their commentary is just so out of line. So i refused to participate in any meets until his kids got in order. 

We are already 1.5 yrs since then and they are the same disrespectful pos as before just more worser

justmakingthebest's picture

That's the thing- like if I would see a step taking a picture I would make a big deal about it "Oh! Hold on, take that one again, she wasn't smiling" then get in there with your toddler and say "here your mom can have this one of both of us!" 

At some point after being called out for the sheer stupidity of reporting your dinner, or what you did that day or whatever to their mom, it would eventually have to end right? 

shamds's picture

Up they are doing the reporting breakdown. They’re such idiots and don’t realize that we know they’ve been conditioned by bio mum to report all details because she has spies everywhere including hubbys work who report when i am pregnant and when i give birth and its multiple people doing this. Seriously my active sex life  with hubby is news exwife has to hear instead of banging her current hubby.

i was so tempted if we got pregnant again to not mention to ss or sd’s because since they treat me and my kids as non family, its like they shouldn’t really know or care if i am pregnant. At least these news don’t get to her.

because sd’s have been conditioned by bio mum to report everything to her about all of us, they as a habit feel compelled to report about bio mum and stepdad. Like “oh bio mum went to this place a few weeks back or bought this”, what i want to say or wish hubby would say is “I don’t effin care about this as ur mum is irrelevant to me!!” But i chose to keep quiet and address this with my husband

eventually my husband realisedi am serious of not being around 3 disrespectful pos skids and he was forced to address with sd24 and tell her off how out of line and disrespectful she and her sister are. That as hubbys wife they never answer me back or are rude. What i say regarding my kids is law and they do not ever answer me back or tell me they will do whatever.

as hubbys wife they will respect me and not rant on about bullshit of bio mum as its irrelevant to our family unit and very disrespectful. 

Funny thing is every now and then the sob story comes that bio mum abandoned them yet barely months prior they were in regular contact divulging private things of us and doing the whole report on us, you were besties enough to do that but now are no contact.... hmmm yeah i call bullshit!!

DPW's picture

How old is SD?

If DH did not do anything about it, I'd call her out myself. Spying is not something I'm willing to live with.

PlumBacterium's picture

He did address it, but of course it escalated at end of transition day so trick is to follow through on set boundaries & consequences for the actions. Reporting isn't anything private per se, its just the sheer action & consistency of it. Needless & exhausting bc is just so unnecessary. Got her mom shouting in the phone that she had control here & how dare we have the kids wear masks (if other people are on the nature trail w/in 6ft bc we live in NY). DH replied "you're literally yelling at us for keeping them safe as possible when leaving the house & you have absolutely no say in what goes on in our home." Thats comforting- but point needs to be made to kiddo reporting only taxes the enjoyment of her time w us bc shes not really present & she has two parents. 

DPW's picture

She's 11, then DH should be able to have the power over her and her phone. I would start with having a conversation with SD about privacy and the set up of the different homes. If she's still not respecting, I'd confiscate her phone and would only allow her access to BM periodically. 

Rags's picture

DH needs to confiscate her phone upon her arrival for visitation and not return it until she walks out the door to return to BM.

Or.... get creative and have fun.    Fabricate investment account statements with rediculously high balances, purchase agreements and future delivery orders for a new BMW, expensive vacations, clothes, jewelry, spaw weekends, etc....

Leave them around where Miss Matahari can see them then report on them to BM.   Say nothing about it unless you are asked and then just tell the SpySkid that it is none of her concern.

Let BM get all ramped up and hopefully strokes out over it.  If BM decides to initiate court action you can honestly answer any questions with "Your honor, we don't have any of those things, not the accounts, not the BMW, we never took any vacations, etc......"  If SpySkid actually steals the statements or takes pics of them.... then just say "Oh those.  Those were created because we knew SpySKid was spying for BMommy and we were tired of the sneeky crap so .... we had some fun."

Diablo

 

halo1998's picture

SS and SD would report back to Beaver the minute their tushes sat on the seat in the car.  She interrogated them on what went on in our house and they would get rewards for "telling her the awful things at our house".  We caught on so we thought we would see just how bad it was.  We would prime the pump shall we say..

DH and I would talk about maybe taking a trip or there, or buying a new car, etc.  We would just talk about it between ourselves but we would know that SS and SD were listening.  They would carry that back to Beaver and we would get a beavergram about how we couldn't do x, y or z.  We would just write back, what we do in our household is none of your business and where did you hear we are doing x, y, z because your intel is not accurate.