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A question for all step parents

mom.on.a.bike's picture

I'm 26 and mom to a son 4. BD and I split just before he was born. EX is a good dad and has the kid one night a week.
My son is horrible when he wakes up from a nap or if he is hungry or overtired. He has a fanatic superhero obsession and tries to push boundaries, but I am firm with rules and consequences. Otherwise he is fairly happy and cooperative. On many occasions I've been been told how polite my kid is, or that a friend usually dislikes kids except for my son.
I've been dating my bf, 26, for about a year. Bf has no kids, never dated a single parent before and was a year off a broken engagement when we met. I was very slow to introduce the two. Outside of a couple of times in passing they did not interact for the first 6 months, and only in the last 2 months have the 3 of us spent any time together, and no more than a couple times a month at most. My bf has initiated some of these group hang outs.
They seem to get along alright, my bf was standoffish at first but now readily engages and over Easter weekend replied to son's 'I love you' with "i love you too" more than once.
When I questioned him on it he said he felt cornered but would not lie to the kid, but that he loved me more and would rather spend time with just me. I asked him what kind of a role he wanted my my son and he said had thought a lot and didnt want to be just "mommy's friend" but didnt think he doesnt really want to be a step dad.
I told him I needed someone who treated me the way i deserve and loves my son like their own. (after reading this forum I get thats not really as common as my friends with blended families make it look)
He said he wasnt there, didnt know if he would be but wanted to spend time with my kid and didnt want to loose me.
I get he is trying, and i may have given my bf an unrealistic expectation...
I want to cut bait. I dont want my kid to be crushed by men walking in and out of his life, and they've really only spent ta handful of times together so I just want to run before its too late.
So to step parents without kids is it possible to love a kid like your own? How did you decide to you wanted to step parent?

mommyof1girl1boyangel's picture

I think it's possible to love skids like your own. it makes it damn near impossible if the parents don't enforce what they should

something that has helped me through the years

"love the kids more than you hate the x's"-just think about it, don't reply (it's truly not necessary)

Aeron's picture

It's possible but it can't be forced or just demanded. And it takes Time. If your sister or bf or whoever plopped a kid in your arms, told they love this child and you need to love them like your own because they do, you'd think they were insane. It's not the same as having your own, you have to get to know the child, bond with them, create a shared history and basis of understanding. Your son is young and that will help in many ways to make it easier for someone to care for the boy, but it still isn't going to happen overnight if ever.

The other part of this is that your son Has a father. No matter how much your bf may or may not come to care for your son, if son has a good, active father in his life, daddy is going to be the man he wants, not bf. which makes it hard to love a kid like they're yours. It's hard to want to become attached to someone that is going to look at you as disposable and that is how most step kids see their step parents.

Either way, most of what I've read has indicated that 'blending' and getting to a feeling like there a real, whole family in a step situation, where there's true love and acceptance takes about 7 years. You say they've had very few interactions. Most people don't fall in love on the first date, don't expect this bf or any other to just fall in love with your son at first sight. I'm sure he's cute and a very sweet boy, but spending time with him like your friends do is very different than the idea of having to become his full time parent much less be saddled with the expectation of specific emotions.

The parent'smediation of interactions between the child and potential step can also drastically effect the type of emotional bond that is likely to form.

momsome's picture

I am apart of the few lucky ones who get along perfect with my 2 sks both boys and I knew from the beginning that my boyfriend had kids. But had he had girls that would have been another ball game. You are faced right now with two different problems. 1 you have a son. Which means he is going to be more protective and demanding of your time because that's what boys do. My SSs really dont like their mom or her boyfriend and thats only because she forces them to like each other. and number 2 You cant force someone to be a parent especially at 26, that's not very young but there can still be partying left to do. If he comes around then he does. I wouldnt wait I would keep the realtionship friendly and not title anything and keep looking but I would never wait to introduce your son to guys I would. There are ways of hanging out with guys and your son not knowing whats going on. I mean seriously. my sister is going through this. I told her the same thing meet at a park for a date with your son and TRUST ME from the beginning you will be able to tell if he is interested in being a father or having a family or if he is just being phony to get in your pants. This way you child is at the park just thinking the entire time that a guy just walked up to mommy and started talking. But in order to get the truth out about a man wanting or having kids is to put him in the situation to pull out the truth!!!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

I think your expectations are too high- he is trying and is very honest to you.If you want to be with someone who loves your son like his own you should stayed with your ex.Besides, your ex is a great dad and you are a great loving mom.Why in the world putting so much pressure on your bf to be another parent if your little boy is lucky to have two loving parents already?Let them be friends, be happy that your little boy loves him and take the pressure of your bf's shoulders.He wants to be involved and to play a role in your kids life , but not a parenting one, and that is ok.

Kes's picture

Your expectations are unrealistic, if your bf gets on OK with your son, and is fond of him, this should be enough. I feel you are trying to recreate your son's biological family, which is not possible. Besides, he already has a bio dad. Your bf will have a slightly different role in his life. You might find it useful to read this on step family dynamics:
http://www.stepfamily.org/dynamics.html

oldone's picture

Ask yourself what YOU are looking for. Are you looking for a life partner for yourself or are you looking for a father for your child? Because that may not be the same person.

Are you trying to replicate an intact family unit? Because that probably not possible because the three of you are not such a unit. Your child has a father in his life. Trying to force another man into the father role is bound to cause problems for everyone.

Don't put your child in a position where he will be torn between loyalties to two men. Honestly how would you feel if your son came home (when he's older and can talk more) and tells you that he has another mom now that he loves just as much as you. I suspect you would feel stabbed in the heart.

You want a partner who will be kind to your child of course. But think about what you as a parent would be willing to sacrifice for your child - your very own life, etc.

Perhaps it would be best for you to just date this man or any man until your child is grown. I know that seems like an eternity to you now but ask any parent - before you blink the kids are grown. And at that point if you have raised the child to a mature young adult they are out on their own.

Don't kid yourself that you are ever going to have this snug little mommy, daddy, child family unit. You and his father for what ever reasons are not together. And you can no more bring in a replacement parent than you could bring in a replacement child.

Starla's picture

Yes step parents can be loving and a great role model to their step kids. I strongly suggest that you take your time finding a healthy relationship and hold off getting married until you know when the time feels right. The label of being a step parent can be a bit scary and it can feel like baggage for us at times. Please understand that it takes someone special with a heart of gold to love another like their own but we will never be able to call them our own.

Truth for you, I loved my Skids before I fell in love with their own father. My step daughter is difficult for me to love at this time but she is truly mean to other people and animals. My step son and I have a bond that makes his dad jealous at times.

Communication is your answer IMO, its a huge decision for everybody involved. Hope you keep us posted and best of luck to you all.