Hello All! My first post. Boy was I happy to find this site as I could really use to hear some new perspective, advice, opinions, stories or all of the above. I'm at a crossroad and I don't really know what questions to ask myself to decide which way to go....What would you do if you were in my shoes.

I should mention ahead of time that I've been a stay at home wife/stepmom for a little over 3 yrs. It was a decision H and I made that was more financially beneficial vs. hiring a full time nanny.

I have a SD12 who we have majority custody of, we have her during the school year, BM has her for all holidays, school breaks and 6 weeks in the summer. Do I love my SD?...No, I Do Not...I care about her because I love my H and she is my H's child. Have I tried to love her as my own?...Yes but I find it difficult because her BM is a constant reminder she is not mine. It doesn't matter that I had explained to SD why she should not listen to what her BM suggested, she'll do it anyway. I have been with my H for 8 yrs, married 1 year. My H is a wonderful man and great father to his kid, so great that I didn't want to have a baby until I met him because while some men are great partners not all can be good at parenting. BM is a train wreak, she basically used postpartum as an excuse to go out and party after SD was born...more like a Princess Mentality Syndrome if you ask me! Shortly there after they divorced, BM moved to another state to live with a BF and basically abandoned her BD, then proceeded to have 3 more babies. To make a long story short, SD is not as bad as some of the skids I've read about here, I think mostly because we have her most of the time and there is structure in our home. When SD was between ages 4-10 yrs old, I expected there to be difficulties due to having 2 very different house holds. As she got older and I explained to both SD and H that things have to start improving as SD matures to a young lady and while I understand there are different rules at her BM's house, a few things must stay constant such as SD's level of hygiene, manners and cleanliness.

My H and I are pretty much on the same page with the exception of a few things and he does tell me and show that he appreciates everything I do for them. Although I've slowly become fed up with the never ending cycle that occurs every time we get her back from BM. We send her off well behaved, when we get her back it's as if we get a whole different kid who is abnoxious for months after. Then there is the problem of SD's "entitlement" for material things and just the "entitlement" attitude in general. This is where I'm not sure if I am over reacting because growing up with 2 younger sibling, we didn't have this problem at home. But with SD, I just don't get it!!! I'm at a loss each time....and my H acknowledges it's not ok but makes an excuse saying other kids do it too and I shouldn't be so hard on SD. He'll verbally reprimand her but without levity. I have lost count how many times I've walked in SD's bathroom to find #1 & #2 left there with out being flushed or to find rotten/moldy food in her school bag and lunch bag or refuses to take showers.

The most recent incident was 2 months ago (still ongoing) when we got her back from summer break, SD is lazy and really gross with her hygiene, I caught her several times wearing clothes to school from her dirty laundry pile. I talked to her about it and she did it again 2 days later. On top of it she started to give me an attitude and has become manipulative. It's like pulling teeth with her to get her to do all her homework and chores. And when she doesn't want to she'll use her BM as an excuse to call and get out of her responsibilities. I guess I expected as kids get older/mature and will grow out of phases. I partially blame my H for this because he has become complacent with me taking more of his responsibilities as a parent. I know I'm supposed to help take care of her but the truth is I don't have to, I could go back to work but my H & I will suffer for it financially (BM is too broke to provide child support). It's been 3 wks since communicated with my H about my concerns. I told him he needs to step up or I was going back to work. He is now keeping tabs on her a bit more but she is still doing the exact same things. He didn't wan't me to go back to work so I have started to disengage from my SD, keeping to the bare minimum of interactions with her as much as possible. If she went to live with her BM today, I will not miss her!

There has to be a silver lining here! before that was the idea of traveling the world with my H. That was the carrot he was dangling anyway so I would not lean toward having a baby since he himself has been on the fence about it. But we can't travel because of the SD, we don't have anyone nearby to care for her for an extended period of time, not until she goes off to college. At that point, we'll then be spending our traveling funds paying her college tuition.

So I'm stuck at a Catch 22, suffer financially or suffer another 7 years of Step-mothering. Well, this situation got me thinking, If i have to do all this then I want to do all these things that I do for my SD to my own child who will unconditionally love me and appreciate me for it. I love my husband, i don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone else, but I don't want to have spent the last 8 years and the rest of my life taking care and dealing with someone else's child and grandchildren...I don't have any delusion and don't expect my relationship with my SD to improve unless her BM drops dead, in fact it only seems to be getting worse as she gets older, and she is starting to exhibit "Princess Mentality Syndrome"......There! I've said it!...I'm an evil SM!

I have approached my H about possibly having our own baby. He is open to it, he said he has been thinking about it too.

I guess what I'm asking is an unbiased observation.....If I am to have my baby, am I doing it for the right reasons?