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Issues Bonding

eagle2000's picture

I feel bad, for not being able to bond. My SK is NOT bad, by any means, but all children annoy me to no end. I don't get how to bond with them, the time that i never get from my SO because the SK is always there requiring attention.

Also, my SO doesn't care for how the SK and I interact. My SO always puts on the happy face, everything is fun, you can have whatever you want parent, but will then yell when finally fed up. I understand as that's how my SO was raised, but I wasn't. I was raised with more strict parents where I wasn't the center of the world every minute. There are pros and cons to each way, but i don't think the SO understands that I am not the fuzzy, you're the most important being in my life, you're the reason i breathe parent. I am honestly trying to not let my frustrations show as much (as i recognize i do get annoyed/frustrated quickly), because my SK is not typically doing anything bad, just being a kid. My SO gets very aggravated with me when i show any frustration and the SK is around (SK lives with us 100% of the time). I don't yell, or ever really raise my voice a ton at SK and my SO does, but it's always more of an issue of "why are you acting frustrated" (usually personified in a sigh or a lack of enthusiasm in doing whatever) that is more of a issue than SO's yelling (which usually happens daily, granted my lack of enthusiasm is daily too).

I understand that I did luck out in the fact that the SK is not bad at all and is relatively independent for the age. And I feel bad for not being able to connect (because, I actually really want to, but I just don't know how.. and I'm not getting a ton of positive reinforcement from my SO in that regard). The neediness of a child is frustrating. I know that SK needs alot of time and attention, but i get none. I really don't want to lose my relationship over a kid. Just needed to vent.

eagle2000's picture

Thanks alot for your response dtzyblnd! I will have to check out that book.

I don't have any bio kids (never planned on having any really), so I always assumed that this was why the bonding hasn't happened the way I (and definitely not SO) wanted it to. It is not that I don't care, because I do very much and have been a part of SK's life for awhile (almost all of SK's life, but my involvement was not at a 100% level until pretty recently).

It's frustrating because SO seems to not understand how difficult it is to go from me having my own space where I can do what I want, when I want, to all of a sudden having to live around SK and the needs of the kid. I knew this would be part of this, but I was expecting a bit of a 'ramp up' period of sorts for all of us to get our bearings of our new living situation. But, I'm not getting that.

You're exactly right about about the responses to SO's responses to my irritations causing tension. That's definitely happening. I know things are not likely to get all the way back to where we were (SO and I) before we were all under one roof permanently, but my needs for attention/affection/just talking as adults (I hate saying that because it sounds so selfish)seem to come completely last (if at all, and if any time for us alone does come around, I almost feel like it's a chore for SO to be around me). I'm trying to find a way to explain that the way SO says I make SK feel is the same way SO makes me feel sometimes (like an annoyance and SO doesn't want me around).

I don't want to make SO sound bad, because I love SO dearly, but the dynamic has thrown us all for a huge shift and it's just frustrating that SO seems to not want SK to make any changes at all even though we're an a new dynamic as the three of us.