A HUGE Thanks from a Childless SP...
I'm new to StepTalk but have had 2 SD's for 8 years now. I just want to say thank y'all for all the posts on here. It shows me that I'm really not some selfish person who just doesn't understand what it's like to have kids, as my husband makes me feel most of the time when it comes to his kids. They are 19 and 22 now and apparently being a parent to him means allowing them to cause havoc in your home and marriage. I always dreamed of having children of my own but now at the age of 35, I have given up on that because I will not raise children with him. Our parenting perspectives were discussed before marriage and I thought were were in the same place but apparently not. I can not say I would do it over again if given the chance. I love him and I do love his children but I will not live in the craziness they create and I will not stick my head in the sand and pretend that their behavior is acceptable. My story is too long to write on here but thank you again for creating this place where us childless SP's can let loose of some of these feelings and have someone else understand and say "hey you aren't a horrible person".
I'm glad you are enjoying
I'm glad you are enjoying this forum. Another user suggested that I create a forum for step parents with no bio kids and I thought it was a wonderful idea. I too belong here and understand what you're saying.
Welcome!
Yea, this forum has been my
Yea, this forum has been my saviour seriously and has really helped me get through some extremely tough scenarios that no one else in my life seems to understand.
I'm sure if I hadn't found
I'm sure if I hadn't found this forum, I would have started believing DH , that I'm selfish,it's all about you, you hate attention taken away from you, you have hated the kids and have never tried with my kids, those poor kids haven't had much in life blah blah blah. This site is wonderful for everything it represents, for step-parents to have someone to lean on when your life partner is failing in that very role- support. Sometimes I feel DH doesn't know what that was because he is so wrapped up in himself. To all my fellow steptalkers- if we didn't have each other I'm sure we feel we are going crazy.
sueu2, thanks but don't go
sueu2, thanks but don't go lifting me up too high. When I said I was giving up on that, I wasn't referring to the marriage. I meant I had given up thinking I would have children of my own. I have a great marriage when the SD's aren't around. And I can't blame them for all of the problems because they were allowed to be this way by their parents.
Good point, yes I guess I was
Good point, yes I guess I was choosing to stay in the craziness. The whole story is SD19 moved back in with us last March after being kicked out of BM's house in another state. She has burned every bridge with her friends so she had no where else to go. We agreed that she could come back to live with us but the rules were the same as when she left at age 16. Everything was going good until about July, thats when the lying and manipulation started. After Thanksgiving we sat her down and had a "coming to Jesus" meeting and told her if she choose to continue on this path the following would happen 1)she would be moving back to the BM's state 2) car would be sold 3) we would no longer pay for cosmetology school.
At the time I told DH that if he couldn't follow through then do not say this is what we are going to do. He said he would follow through if it came down to it. Well guess what, she kept doing her same old thing so she moved out on her own last week. She stayed in the same town but she is no longer in our house. I packed her things and put them in the dining room for her to come get. Now DH is backing down on following through. He asked me where I wanted to put her stuff and I said it wasn't my problem. She needed to come get them. His arguement was she has no where to put it. She should have thought about that before. I am not her storage unit because she wanted to make stupid choices. I got the car cleaned out and have someone interested in buying it but now he says he doesn't know if he wants to sell it right now. My name is on the loan for the car so I am thinking about just going ahead and listing the car.
I guess I'm getting more vocal and my spine is getting a little taller. That's more what I was referring to by I will not live in the craziness. She is not welcomed back in the home as far as I am concerned and if he insists on her coming back then I will have a choice to make and right now my choice would be to leave. He has guilt issues from being in the military and being away from his kids when they were younger. So I and the rest of the world is paying for his inability to parent his kids. BM just wants to bff's so there is no discipline.
" We agreed that she could
" We agreed that she could come back to live with us but the rules were the same as when she left at age 16."
I'm not sure that it's reasonable to have the same rules at 19 as at 16. I guess it depends on what the rules are.
The rules in our house don't
The rules in our house don't change regardless of age. I'm not talking about chores or curfews but the do's and don'ts. The rules are the same that basically the world works (or used to) off of...don't lie, be respectful (of others, of money spent on you, of the place provided for you to live and call your home). She was 19, still living under our roof on our dime and still in high school. We didn't require to know her every move. We pretty much let her do her own thing unless something came up that required us getting involved. As far as chores go, she started with only one and that was to keep her room picked up but when the lying started she had 2 added and that was to take out the trash on trash day and to wash the dishes. Still a pretty easy life if all you have to do is basically not lie and you have a car provided for you, a cell phone, a kitchen full of food, all bills paid and a bedroom that is all yours. Maybe I'm crazy and I am a selfish, heartless SP but I would expect the same from any bio children.
No, like I said - depends on
No, like I said - depends on what the rules are. What you listed seems reasonable.
Agreed completely. I too am
Agreed completely. I too am childfree and I have come to this forum each and every time my boyfriends friends and family have tried to bully me into taking on more responsibilities towards his kids than I would ever, ever desire.
This place has helped me to build my gusto and speak up for myself with idiots try to shovel shit my way.