Have YOUR child. I chose to wait to until scary crazy SD was out of the house only to find out I had waited too long. I started going through menopause at 36 and there were other medical issues. Didn't see that coming when i was 30. I feel uniquely alone now.

I haven't based any personal decisions on the fact that my husband has 2 vindictive teenaged daughters that live with his borderline personality ex wife.

My husband and I have 3 beautiful children together and I am so glad we have them. I am glad that my husband gets to see what a normal father/child relationship is like.

The only thing I will say about the 2 step daughters is that they made me not sure if I wanted daughters. I saw how bitchy, nasty and manipulative they were with my husband and that kind of turned me off to girls in general. However, I now have 2 boys and a little girl and all of them are the lights of my life. And there is something truly special about little girls and I am so glad I didn't miss out on having a daughter.

I was way past child bearing years when I met DH. But his two worthless sons have convinced me that sometimes it is better not to have any than to have some like that.

Unfortunately I've seen some of my friends who were lovely people and great parents have a kid that turned to drugs/alcohol and ruined everyone's lives.

Now that is not a reason not to have kids at all but it does make it seem to be okay that I never had any. With my luck who knows what I would have produced. I had a major career and moved all over the world - not really conducive to being a good parent. But I definitely would have had kids when I was younger if I'd been in a relationship at the right time.

I went into this WANTING 5 kids. Now that I have raised 3 SK's I don't want any. However, now that I'm barreling down on 40 years old, I often look back and wonder "Did I miss the biggest thing in life?" Having your own child will be nothing the same as SK's. Nothing.

I've always wanted children, even considered adopting before I met SO (so being a bio-mom isn't a big deal to me). 4 years later, I spend a limited amount of time with his son and daughter (he is the NCP), and I want my own. His children are very pleasant and I thought for a while that would be enough, but I don't feel a bond with them. They aren't my family. I don't feel love. I like them and they like me, but it's not love. I'm like the cool aunt when they're around. I want to feel the bond that you have with your own children.

I can relate to most of these posts - I grew up never ever wanting kids and that was final. I met my partner and aquired a SD15 at the time (17 now) and. A SS8 (10 now) - SS10 is fine we have our moments but essentially I'm the best stepmum in the world. SD17 different story and I'm curretly in the process of disengaging.

When I first met my partner I went through stages of thinking i could do this whole parenting thing a whole lot better, being told "your not a Mother you wouldn't understand" sounded like some sort of challenge - which made me think "I'll show you!" And laterly thinking that having a child would give you that unconditional love - none od which I don't think are good reasons to have a child.

Lately I could quite happily strangle my SD17 and there's times where my SD10 pushes me to breaking point - so no I can safely say right from when I was a child and 100% didn't want children made the right decision.

Instead of giving teenagers those dolls that simulate a baby they should. Give them a stroppy teenage girl that put anyone offf having kids for life

I can get uncondtional love from a dog lol

I've always known that I didn't want kids. Now having to deal with a SD8, it just reaffirms my decision. It is great birth control!! I'm wondering if I can overdose on birth control so I know for sure that I wouldn't get pregnant, crap just take my inside lady parts! Kids suck the life out of you and I don't want that to happen.

I am up in the air about kids. Then we got custody of my 13 year old stepson. He is not all the bad and is mostly well behaved. But it made me realize that I'm not mommy material. I have realized that raising kids will never be a top priority for me and I don't like it when others are overly dependent upon me. I'm still working through my decision. I think the pressure of society, religion, friends and family gets to me sometimes but at the end of the day all I need to do is look at the step son and realize that I'd rather be doing my own thing then spend a bunch of time with him or pay attention to him. Plus, the world will end soon anyway so sometimes I feel that I'm cutting my unborn children a break.

I never really wanted kids and sometimes I think I'll regret it if I don't. But now that I have a DSD9, who will probably live with us until we both die and then she'll end up in a home, the thought of trying to have my own children is more depressing than ever. I feel like adding my own kids into the mix wouldn't be fair to those kids and in some ways wouldn't be fair to her either.

She lives with us full-time and has a whole host of developmental and behavioral issues and has been extremely violent in the past. I wouldn't want to bring babies into that mix for the safety and sanity of everyone involved. Besides, I know how I feel about her. I pity her, I want the best things for her and I love her in my own way, but I know I would truly love my own children, and my DH and DSD would both know that my kids were different than her. I also thought that if I ever became a mother, I'd have all the time in the world to bond with my baby, and a journey into motherhood would be "special." Now the only thing I think about when I think about having my own kids is DSD and how she might react. I have a hard time even conceptualizing my own baby in between handling her current constant tantrums and outbursts over things as simple as brushing her teeth and eating dinner. DH says she'd love to have a baby brother or sister: too bad I know this child. About half the time she'd treat it like a toy that she should be allowed to play with whenever she wanted and throw a tantrum if she couldn't and the other half of the time she'd hate its guts for taking attention away from her dad. DH says she'll just have to learn to deal with it, well, who is going to deal with HER as she learns how to "deal with it?"

I'm still quite sure I don't want kids, but it's for different reasons now than it was before. Now it's about trying to preserve a hint of stability and sanity in my life. Before it was because I wanted a career. Now that I take care of DSD full-time, I don't get to have a career, or my own kids. It feels shitty.

Oh, and the most awful reasons of all that I don't want to have kids:

1. My DSD9 with all of her behavioral and developmental issues is DH's biological daughter. What if my own kids have similar issues? I know I must sound like some kind of Nazi eugenist or something, but I don't want to bring kids into this world if they run a higher risk of having these problems.

2. Her therapists seem to be saying that DSD may be able to live on her own at some point. She has no intellectual impairments though sometimes it's hard to see through the massive outbursts she has over the most bizarre stuff. I realize that she's only 9, but when even her therapists throw out words like "may" "might be" "perhaps" and "possibly" in regards to her ability to be moderately independent "at some point in her adult life," it makes me feel like I should be girding myself for the possibility that this child is going to live with me and my DH until we die, and then who knows what's going to happen to her.

I've known pretty much since I was about 13 that I never wanted kids of my own, and made the mistake of thinking that step-kids might be okay as long as they didn't live with us full-time. If I had to go back in time knowing then what I know now, I NEVER would've married a guy with kids. Having skids has been hands-down one of the worst experiences of my life, and only reinforces my choice not to have kids of my own. I know, everyone says it's different when they're your own...but it's because you can't get rid of them. I also have the grandparent factor going on, because I've seen how my in-laws are with DH's kids, and they habitually way overstep their bounds as grandparents. If I had a kid with him, all that would do is make me super resentful towards them because they would constantly be telling me how to raise my kid, and question everything I ever decide. I frankly would not want their influence in my kid's life whatsoever, because all I see from that family is a long line of people who really didn't turn out that okay. So basically, having skids has only made my decision to not have any that much stronger. In fact, I'm in my prime child-bearing years...and DH's birthday gift to me this year was a vasectomy. Best present ever.

@boogeymom- I LOVE your signature!
Anyway, I have always known that I wanted children. I am on the fence about that decision now. This summer was the first time that DH and I have had SS15 the entire summer. As it comes to a close, I had to reevaluate whether or not I wanted to have kids with DH. SS is a spoiled, over-privileged teenager who has anger issues. DH has come back into SS's life after not being actively involved for about 4 years- he has some making up to do and guilt has taken over dad mode for the most part of the summer. He realized that he has been enabling his son and indulging in his destructive behaviors; he is being more of a father than I friend nowadays. I am on the fence about having children with DH because I don't want them to turn out like SS. Maybe that will change when we get our house back.

Sometimes seeing DH with SD makes me not want him to be the father of my children. I love him yes. I want him to be my life partner. But it seems like he is too spineless to parent & his attempts to are a complete turn off. He's just a piss poor parent who is too worried about what everyone else thinks to do what is right.

I am going through the exact same thing right now! My DH is 45 and had a vasectomy long ago. I am only 31 and we both talked about the possibility of having children together when we were married. Then only problem was how to go about it- vasectomy reversal, artificial insemination, etc. However, after being a SM to his kids, I don't know if I want to introduce the possibility of kids that would be like his into our lives again. I don't want to make choices in my life based on that but it is hard not to! The reality of living with the SKIDS daily and thinking of going through all of that drama again in the future... exhausting! Good luck on making a decision and thanks for opening up this topic of conversation. Reading all of the comments helps me too!

My DH and I never planned not to have kids when we got married, but I made a conscious decision not to have them later in my marriage. Even though I got along with skids when they were younger. At some point the skids became too much for me ito my space. I think subconciously I started seeing my marriage as "temporary". I always felt the need to tell my DH hey this blended family thing is not working for me. For that reason I would never want to bring a child into my marriage. Its now too late for me to have children and I am glad I did not.

I agree with the previous post that if it is your own kids it is so different and natural, which is something our OH's dont always understand. I think it is important to be honest with them early on no matter what the consequences. I sure wish I was.

When I met my DH, I was barely 30 and he had 4 kids. I did not want kids but figured I was still a little young to make a final decision on that. So, I began helping him with his 4.

Now... 4 years later. I absolutely DO NOT want kids. I know for sure now that me and kids don't jive. I realize that people say "it's different when they are yours." But what if in my situation it's not? Getting pregnant and having a kid is a permanent decision. You can't change your mind after you do it. It's not like buying a car you don't like then getting to take it back to the dealership.

But even further than that... I see the way that my DH parents and I don't like it. It's not my style at all and I think we would do nothing but fight if we were to have one of our own. There's no way that I would let the way him parent a child of mine. He's too lenient... allows sweets all the time, allows backtalk and whining... if I whined to my dad the way that SD does to my DH? I wouldn't have had a butt to sit on. He allows to be spoken to that way BY A CHILD! No way! Not me!

To that end... I was on the fence when I married DH, but now... don't want to have anything to do with kids and can't wait until all have turned 18. Only 10 more years to go!

I was just thinking about this topic the last couple days. So thank you for the post, Esmerelda. I am in my late 30s and finally met the man I want to be with but after dealing with the BM and my man's three kids I have lost ALL desire to have a child. But it also stems from the extreme dislike I have for the BM. I see her dysfunctional behavior in the kids. The kids have their own set of issues. The 14 year old acts like his 8 year old brother and the 9 year old girl is the BM's spy because then her mom will pay attention to her then. I guess if you are unsure then give yourself a little more time. Or spend sometime around friends who have a little one and volunteer to babysit. That might help put everything into perspective.

It has definitely cemented my decision not to have my own!
I've never had the desire to want kids in the first place, but I never imagined it would be this hard. I sincerely take my hat off to parents with well-behaved children, because there are a lot of good parents out there... I'm just not cut out to be one of them.

No impact on my decision, I was a SM in my first marriage, and am one in my 2nd marriage. I enjoy and love being the cool "aunt/friend" my SD's can talk to. I never wanted kids. The only kids I want to be mine and love me unconditionally are the 4-pawed kind...

SD will be out of the house in 5 years. Start that whole 18-year parenting thing over again? No thank you. I will be so relieved when my life is finally MINE. And our life is finally OURS.

Before being married to DH, he said we could have kids of our own. I've always wanted to have my own, even just one. Now after 3 years of living w/ SD8 and SD9 he's changed his mind!! Now i'm just plain resentful about the fact that he doesn't want kids with me just because he already has them to the point of just having one whether he likes it or not. I still haven't decided. I can see he's a good dad and I get jealous of the affection and sentiments he gives my SDs. But him and I the same sentiment as you guys who just cannot wait for his kids to turn 18. I have no bond w/ my SDs (sometimes I can't stand them and prefer the company of my pets than them), so I don't know if i'll be a good mother anyway, and I couldn't wait for them to leave the house either. I recognize the selfish reasons for having a kid and only half my reasons aren't, but that's not enough to decide.

I often ask myself if it's really worth all the trouble of raising another kid? To have that assurance that you are a "real mother" to someone when other kids you've looked after would eventually forever recognize you as "the substitute"? To have that assurance that no matter what, you would not hear the words "you're not my real mom" from somebody? To pass on your genes and personality because you're actually raising somebody from birth; seeing half of yourself and half your spouse in somebody else, and not just seeing miniatures of your spouse's ex? Or the fruit of someone being raised by somebody else?

I'm almost certain that bringing a child into the world out of resentment will destroy whatever harmony we have in our current family, since I feel very little for the stepkids. Sometimes I feel like taking care of my own child too would make my sacrifices for them worth it (I'm basically the main provider of the family, while DH works at home). :? Then again, will having my own child resolve all these feelings of resentment and make me more receptive to my DH's kids? :?

The chance of just waiting 10 more years for independence as a couple is very appealing to me. We still have the whole world to explore. And I have a really high standard for any future biological child so I would definitely be pushing them more towards advanced education. That means giving up more of my freedom and finances whenever I have my own kid, whereas I'm not expected to as a step parent. I also worry that DH's parenting style is not going to be enough for me. I'm definitely going to have to be home more, and as a career-driven woman, I love my job and spend long hours in the office. So i'm definitely leaning more toward not wanting my own biological kid but I'm scared that when i'm 50 or 60 I'll be looking back with regret.

I only have 4 more years to decide until it may be too late.

This sounds really bad, and ill spare you the pages trying to explain it but.... My husband who was with bm for 3weeks before that whore got knocked up, has a 6 year old daughter. I never wanted kids before and now I have decided that SD isn't going to take everything from me and I want my own. I joke with husband about he had his and I will have mine, but really I do want my own and I won't allow BM or SD enough control over my life to make my decisions for me. Might sound like all the wrong reasons, I have others but this is how SD and BM have impacted my decision.

I never really wanted kids, ever. I remember telling my mom to bank on my other sibling for grandkids because I would not be providing one. SK has done nothing but solitified that fact, I'm not parent material (I'm not mean or uncaring, I just have no interest in being a parent). To me, kids are a nuisance, and just an additional expense that you never see return on (and no, smiles and giggles are not returns in my book). I know it's selfish, but at least I know (vs having one I didn't really want) and will much much more than likely never have a bio kid of my own. My partner knows I don't want any (more) and if we ever break up I'll be doing all in my power to never be with someone with a kid again and will be very clear on my not wanting kids from a very early stage. Everyone (including me) thought I would change my opinion as I got older. It hasn't though, I used to have random thoughts of having a kid, but I haven't had any of those in years. God kids, cousins, nieces, or nephews would be plenty for me (I call them "give em back babies" because after you've had your fill and/or they start showing off, you just give them back to their parents).

I love kids but I have never had an overwhelming desire spawn. My SS-22 was 15mos old when his mom and I met and started dating and we married a week before he turned 2. Except for the delivery room and the first year of all night feedings and crappy diapers I have had the complete kid experience.

My Skid has done nothing to tarnish any thoughts I might have had regarding Spawning but even as positive as my Sparenting experience has been I remain neutral on having more kids. My bride decided a few years ago that she wanted another one (she was then in her mid 30s I was in my late/mid 40s) fine by me ... or not. Unfortunately her Doc put a stop to those thoughts. She nearly died of severe toxemia/preeclampsia with SS and has had problems with blood clots due to hormonal birth control. Apparently a pregnancy would be orders of magnatude worse than the pill so no more kids for us.

SS launched 4 years ago and we have had a great time being empty nester DINKs. I have no regrets though my bride will occassionally spout a "we should have had more kids when we first got married". For some reason her female mind filters out the fact that another kid very well might have killed her. I would not risk my brides life or health for anything including a Rags spawn.