Help - how to disengage from S9 S11 S13
I have been with my guy for a couple years. He has had full custody of his three daughters since the youngest was two months old - they are 13, 11 and 9 now. Mother is hardly involved, total loser, can't manage to sort her stupid life out long enough for a 6 hour visit one weekend a month. Recently she gave up her overnights - we had gone to court to change the court order to give her friday night to sunday night every other weekend but her flat is now uninhabitable so she can only see kids at her mothers and she keeps cancelling. So basically our every other weekend escape has been taken, and his mother only just started having them over other friday night overnight after surgery.
He has never been organized or tidy by any stretch. I mean to the point where the house looked like there was a pack of wild raccoons living in it when I first moved in 3 years ago. We have come a long way (by that I mean keeping things contained to a level I can live with by screaming and threats of punishment). It really wasnt kids fault as they were raised by him and he is a slob. But after three years of knowing me, seeing how clean I am, watching me clean this pit of a house and helping them with their room....they damn well know by now right from wrong.
Which is why it boggles me why I have to remind them
- dont leave your dirty clothes in the hallway by the front freaking door after you (are nagged to) bathe
- dont spill food over the floor while you are eating everything in the house at once and just leave it there
- dont take food into your rooms and then hide the plates and wrappers
- dont take the clean laundry i have had to physically extract from your soul so that you actually are wearing clean underwear and socks and throw it in a pile in your dirty room so it mixes in with the dirty clothes so i end up washing it again
Why do I have to follow them endlessley nagging for these simple basic things? Its no longer a case of not knowing.
To be fair to him he IS trying. He installed an internet program where he can automatically shut off all their devices for an hour at a time when they are being morons. He attends a parenting nurturing class that we have been going to that discusses behaviour boundaries rewards discipline etc. The problem is he cant be bothered to follow things up. So when their internet is shut off because they have trashed the rooms I cleaned for them, he wont go upstairs to check the room before givig it back to them, he just says is your room clean and they of course say yes and on the internet goes. Then I go up and see nothing has changed. they have come on leaps and bounds since i met them but why do i still have to be endlessley nagging etc to get them to do the most basic of things?
ive told them that their lack of help or interest in our home is effecting me and their dads relationship. they say sorry etc but then the same things happen over and over. i am at my wits end and I would like to disengage. but then what? do i have to sit in a house with mess piling up around me?
they all have bedrooms upstairs and a toilet upstairs. the downstairs is my bedroom which has a door off the lounge, the kitchen and the bathroom. lately i have been sitting in lounge with door shut to them as its the only room they cant mess up. he messes up my bedroom so its not peaceful. id rather microwave a meal and eat it in the lounge then have an anxiety attack in the kitchen they destroy.
So do I tell them
- You and your Dad will be responsible for your laundry now. Im not asking for it, cleaning for it or folding it anymore so make sure you keep on top of it.
- Dad is in charge of the google calendar now. Any plans you have etc - make sure you physically go to Dad and watch him put it in the calendar otherwise there are no guarantees. Im not involved with it anymore.
- If you need clothes or school supplies or gifts for friends parties - you need to ask your Dad.
- Dad will cook your dinners now and you and him will be responsible for the kitchen.
- Since no one wanted to put any effort into your rooms, I am not interested in painting and decorating them now. I have had to wait a month asking you to clear your desks and floors so I can paint and your rooms are still a mess and not only that you have destroyed what help I did give you by messing them up. Dad will decide when/if to paint and I will no longer go upstairs in this house so if you want it nice its down to you?
I feel really bad as I do love them but its gone beyond oh they are just kids and dont know better. They have lived with my expectations for three years and still act like this.
It's very easy, you are not
It's very easy, you are not their mother you have no obligation towards them. They are their bio parents responsibility.
You do not have to accept the way they are living by being pigs. you will stop shouting and screaming at them to pick up their shyt (yes yes we all do this) You simply tell them, please pick up your cloths/books/shoes.. then walk away, they are going to ignore you... hour later you simply pick it up for them and put it in the trash.
Stay out of their bedrooms, it has nothing to do with you, same as they should not be allowed into your bedroom.
Stop doing anything for them and if they ask, smile and say ask your DAd...
read link below
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I cannot even tell you how
I cannot even tell you how relieved I was to find this forum!
I sort of do that anyway. If they leave pens downstairs i throw them in the bin. They each have a step on the staircase where there crap they leave downstairs sits. Thats where i put their clean laundry too. They walk by it 1000 times a day until i b*tch at my partner and he screams at them then they grab it and throw it in their rooms in a corner with dirty stuff.
The little one is irritating me beyond belief. 200 times a day its Daddy can i have this Daddy can i have this? Banging on our bedroom door if we are in there to ASK if she can have some grapes. Yet this same child will steal all the snack flavors she likes and hide them in her room even though she isnt allowed to eat in her room. But suddenly she needs permision to ask for a grape?
And dinner time is ridiculous. They eat their normal kid stuff, middle one has decided she is now a pescatarian (apparently a fish eating vegetarian) and my partner and i have more grown up stuff. EVERY time she comes down now its 'i dont like this what are YOU having' then he gives her bits of his. If we make the same thing for everyone even if its that same thing she doesnt have any interest.
She was 2months when he took her from the 'mother' and they are very close to a point where she gets away with everything cuz she was so cute. Now she is turning 10 and not the little cutie, she is showing herself to an annoying manipulative selfish little brat. Yet he still sees his baby. She terrorises the upstairs of the house and pisses of her sister then cries and says Dadddddy and he screams at the other two for upsetting her.
She loves me and seeks my approval but i do tihkn she secretly hates me cuz i came into their life and took her dads attention. any time im away he lets her sleep in his bed. its gross
simply stop buying snacks, or
simply stop buying snacks, or if you do lock it up... they can only get snacks if they clean...
sorry to say but SD10 is two faced, in front of daddy she loves you behind your back she's flipping the bird and disrespecting you, been there done that and got the t-shirt...
I was made out as the evil bitch who stole daddy - well I'm just stepping up to the plate, now the accusations is not false
yes she wrote a story in
yes she wrote a story in school about a horrible dragon who was nice in front of everyone but really mean and one day it flew back to american and they never saw it again LOL! (im american)
its just so annoying. their mother did drugs and dropped them to be with some loser guy. she does nothing for them i dont even think she knows where they go to school its sick. i do all the things a mothers meant to do but still they hold mummy up like some hero.
he doesnt even see what the youngest one is doing. how much of a wind up she is. she is always coming home from school in a new argument with someome who pushed her or made her cry etc etc and he always believes her. when she has a problem at every school or party or playgroud perhaps the common denominator is HER??
he is meant to start work again soon now its spring which means i will have to deal with them from 320 till 6. i work from home. all they do is scream and yell at each other. hes making me an office in the garden to have some silence. but when we almost broke up he said he was thinking of paying the neighbour £100 a week to watch them for that time. i said give that to me and i wont b*tch so much! he said it was absurd to ask that.
And plus before I arrived
And plus before I arrived they lived a lot differently. The house was in squalor. They had no routine, no bath routine even. Now that I live there the house is clean they have routine meal times, their laundry gets done, they are in girl scouts and cubs, we have been on lots of holidays and days out and camping (he never did anything like that) and dinners and movie nights. they had it really good with me and all i freaking asked was them to stop living like wild animals and clean up after themselves
Ah, you are me several years
Ah, you are me several years ago.
I gave up.
}:)
Still with DH but disengaged from SDs. It's very nice. My blog tells it.
Still have situations now and again but I'm much better at avoiding them or making sure I'm not drug in (i.e. recognizing it when it starts).
SD11 loves a clean place and she picked up on how nice it is to have clean things right away (although I've given up on the laundry thing with her).
SD13 and DH are slobs. That's it. Lazy slobs. Nice people, but DH is to the point sometimes if his kleenex doesn't make it into the trash can he'll just leave it on the floor and walk away. Seriously. It's nuts.
I know how infuriating it is
I know how infuriating it is to give it your all and get no respect back. I wish I knew what to tell you but all I can say is that you are not alone. Hang out in that lounge girl, and grab a nice cold pint when you can!
You are doing well! I know
You are doing well! I know it doesn't seem like you are gaining, but you said it is better. Teens are slobs, for the most part. Keep working with different technics.
My step-Grandson and Granddaughter (his wife) had the same situation. They gave each child chores; the chores were never the same every week, they were alternated among the kids, so they weren't doing the same chores or one was slacking. The chores were posted on the frig the first of the week, which included parent's names as well; thus there was not misunderstanding what was expected of each child, as well as parents; the kids had to do laundry, help with fixing meals, and had certain days and time frames to clean their rooms, as well as vacuum, take the trash out, and even yard work. They were rewarded with a family day or evening out to dinner or movies, etc. with their parents. They were not given allowances, but spending money, when they wanted to go out with their friends (only if their list was complete). Yes, the house was a mess most days and the routine was not a routine and had to be addressed at the end of each week. They experienced all the teen school problems, driving, boyfriend, girlfriend dramas, messy teens, and lots of friends in and out of the house, for what seemed years.
They also were approximately the age of your Skids, when it began. It was a continuous job and more downs than ups. Two of their children have graduated from high school, are going on to higher education, and are productive citizens; one will graduate next year. It was not fun, but the key was they were a total package. Now they are friends as adults.
All of their efforts were together and they held weekly sit down family meetings to discuss any concerns. My Grandson and his wife did important things: they were a team, they listened to the kid's concerns, they followed thru on everything, from brushing their teeth to doing their homework. The parents joined in on the chores.
With all of this said, the parents were not able to have a great deal of time to themselves (once a month a dinner out for just the two of them), but they helped develop responsible, respectable adults; now they have lots of time to themselves and are enjoying the nights out to dinner and movies for just the two of them.
You noted you love these kids and you have come a long way with them. Good job!
Hang in there! You sound like you are doing well, just need to get Dad on board and begin pulling together a team.
thanks for trying to be
thanks for trying to be positive
we have done all that
they arent motivated by money. tried that. they arent motivated by reward charts. tried that. they are somewhat motivated by losing screen time. with a lot of screaming and bickering between me and my partner. all those ideas would work great but my partner doesnt want to follow it up. he gets bored with fmaily meetings, nose in his phone. he doesnt check any of their chores just asks if they did it which renders the chore board useless.
i am not willing to sacrifice so much of my life for one dinner alone a month.
Yeah, money, chore charts, a
Yeah, money, chore charts, a "talking to" etc. has no effect on my SDs.
I know what their weaknesses are:
SD13 - electronics
SD11 - her free time and spending time with her best friend
DH doesn't do anything though. And got disgruntled when I did so it's all on him now.
Chore charts and other task lists only work if BOTH adults are on board. Otherwise forget about it.
"i am not willing to
"i am not willing to sacrifice so much of my life for one dinner alone a month."
But really ... isn't that what you have already done? You have completely disengaged from YOURSELF in order to become chief cook and bottle-washer for your guy and his kids.
At this point, you've invested a couple of years - which is significant. But what you MUST be aware of is that this may very well be the pattern of the rest of your life. Those girls may never launch and stick around for another 10-15+ years, or have babies of their own and expect YOU to do the caretaking for them. After all, you've set yourself up in that role, why not do it for the next generation?
Quite honestly, the 13 and 11 year olds should be learning how to do laundry themselves - not dump it on you to do. When I was 11, my mother taught me how to use the washing machine, how to hang clothes on the line to dry, and then how to iron them. I know times have changed but IMO an 13 and 11 year old should be able to do laundry (and other household chores) with some adult supervision.
The first conversation you need to have is with your SO. He needs to step up and parent his own daughters. Not your job.
If he does not step up, then I would recommend leaving. Because you can live in your own place, still have a dating relationship with him, and get together with him for dinner one night a month. You'd be better off than you are right now.
Your post made me
Your post made me cringe..that was my life just 3 short years ago. I left and never looked back. Now happily engaged the nicest guy without rotten kids who quite literally, lived to bicker and scream and toss everything they used on the floor.
My advice is to leave, or I guess accept it (but if you're normal - as you appear to be - you simply can't) I know..I tried. I even moved out but I still visited and just couldn't take it. I took pics of the pigsty before I left and when I look at those now, I truly cannot believe I lived that.
I really, really feel for you. The preferring to eat alone in a separate little room..I get it. Even the stuff on the stairs that gets walked by 1,000 times. I'd think it was the same guy and 3 lazy ass kids, except for their mother is very involved.
I wish you the best, keep us updated:)
So last night SD13 decides at
So last night SD13 decides at 10pm at night that she doesnt have anything to wear for non uniform day. This day of course has been on the calendar in the kitchen for two weeks and shes already been told im not doing laundry anymore. AND she knows our dryer is broken!!! Id been going to the launderette, drying and folding the laundry i was extracting from their rooms! Not anymore! So my partner said she would have to wash it then hang it on the radiator to dry. She looked all upset and actually said 'normally when i put my stuff in this late i come down and its dry the next day' ..........really?? does she think we have a laundry fairy? And since i knew she wouldnt have the brain power to lay the items flat on the radiator to dry i knew she would be wearing damp clothes today and i didnt even care
and thanks for your post
and thanks for your post sportslover, i am looking at apartments now and it just pisses me off that i have to leave this big beautiful house that i have invested so much time in to make it nice and go live in a tiny one bedroom apartment. how long did you stay with him after you moved, were they all happy to live as pigs without you there? and how did it go when you finally made the break did any of them keep in contact?
I hear what you're saying
I hear what you're saying about having to live in a tiny 1BR apartment, but it sounds like you're already limited to where you can go in the house without being in a pigsty. I'd much rather be on my own in a 1BR apartment than have to live with a bunch of pigs that have no respect for me or for themselves (and that includes your DH). Sorry if that sounds harsh.