Getting on same page
I am a 42 year old woman that always wanted kids but never had them. I have been dating my boyfriend over a year and a half and living with him and his 3 children (g14 g12 b8) for over a year. They live with us half the time, sometimes more. One week on, one week off. Our relationship is extremely strained right now and mainly because of the kids.
I get along with the youngest great. He cuddles with me, talks with me etc and listens to me when I ask him to do things. The relationship i have with his daughters is completely different. Their mother hates me simply for existing though she left my bf for the man shes currently with a few years ago. The son mentioned one day that the girls dont like me. I was not allowed to talk with them about it. My boyfriend finally spoke with them days later and k guess was told that I try too hard and they dont know me. I was almost asked to move out over this.
His solution has been that I should not try to talk to the girls unless spoken to. Shocker, this has not helped anything. I am also not supose to say anything to the girls if they do anything to break the rules etc but instead go to him and have him take care of it... - But he doesn't.. Instead he gets mad at me and seems to now have the stance that he doesnt know if he wants me here anymore because he doesnt like the way I talk about his kids.
Some examples are he feels they are kids and I shouldnt be upset or say anything when I come home and find the door open because they couldn't be bothered to close it all the way. His kids know that there is a rule of no food upstairs so me implying they have food upstairs and need to bring all the dishes downstairs is preposterous because they dont break rules.
They don't have any chores and agrees that they should have something but refuses to give them any until the whole house is spotless. I did achieve this once somehow when his mother was coming to visit but quickly fell apart. His kids are extremely spoiled and get what they want when they want it and I have watched the oldest ask for things just to see how high he will jump. Ex. 1030pm as we are in bed, asking to go get ice cream cause she wants it right now.
I suggested he stop buying them stuff all the time and start earning things like going out for coffee, out for ice cream, fake nails, rides to school instead of taking the bus (everyday he tells the oldest hes not going to drive her but does anyways) being able to leave school early etc. (The oldest asks for and gets something almost if not everyday.)
I suggested a point system for things like getting up on time, catching the bus, doing chores, homework done, bedtime etc. That went over like a lead balloon, especially for the oldest. "Shes not 4 and has a medical condition" was what was yelled at me. She does have some anxiety (don't we all) though I am pretty certain most of it is manipulation to get what she wants and lack of basic coping skills.
I dont know what to do.