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Chleko21's picture

  I am a 42 year old woman that always wanted kids but never had them.  I have been dating my boyfriend over a year and a half and living with him and his 3 children (g14 g12 b8) for over a year. They live with us half the time, sometimes more.  One week on, one week off.  Our relationship is extremely strained right now and mainly because of the kids.

  I get along with the youngest great.  He cuddles with me, talks with me etc and listens to me when I ask him to do things.  The relationship i have with his daughters is completely different.  Their mother hates me simply for existing though she left my bf for the man shes currently with a few years ago.  The son mentioned one day that the girls dont like me.  I was not allowed to talk with them about it.  My boyfriend finally spoke with them days later and k guess was told that I try too hard and they dont know me.  I was almost asked to move out over this. 

  His solution has been that I should not try to talk to the girls unless spoken to.  Shocker, this has not helped anything.  I am also not supose to say anything to the girls if they do anything to break the rules etc but instead go to him and have him take care of it... - But he doesn't..  Instead he gets mad at me and seems to now have the stance that he doesnt know if he wants me here anymore because he doesnt like the way I talk about his kids.

  Some examples are he feels they are kids and I shouldnt be upset or say anything when I come home and find the door open because they couldn't be bothered to close it all the way.  His kids know that there is a rule of no food upstairs so me implying they have food upstairs and need to bring all the dishes downstairs is preposterous because they dont break rules.

They don't have any chores and agrees that they should have something but refuses to give them any until the whole house is spotless.  I did achieve this once somehow when his mother was coming to visit but quickly fell apart.  His kids are extremely spoiled and get what they want when they want it and I have watched the oldest ask for things just to see how high he will jump.  Ex. 1030pm as we are in bed, asking to go get ice cream cause she wants it right now.

I suggested he stop buying them stuff all the time and start earning things like going out for coffee, out for ice cream,  fake nails, rides to school instead of taking the bus (everyday he tells the oldest hes not going to drive her but does anyways) being able to leave school early etc. (The oldest asks for and gets something almost if not everyday.)

I suggested a point system for things like getting up on time, catching the bus, doing chores, homework done, bedtime etc.  That went over like a lead balloon, especially for the oldest.  "Shes not 4 and has a medical condition" was what was yelled at me.  She does have some anxiety (don't we all) though I am pretty certain most of it is manipulation to get what she wants and lack of basic coping skills.

  I dont know what to do.

ndc's picture

I hate to say it, but I cannot see this situation improving, because your boyfriend is not willing to change, and he is certainly not prioritizing you.  His daughters are at a terrible age, and it'll be a loooong time before they mature so that *maybe* they'll be more accepting of you.  It's just as likely they never will, of course.  For your own good, it may be best to move on.

Penny19's picture

My SK's were girl 17, boys 13 & 7 when we got together. My DH had custody of all 3. Yes, call me cookoo. Anyhow, I have observed that because the parents are no longer together a parent (your bf) tends to be extremely lenient and will cater to the kids to make up for the broken family. This will not change, I can tell you that. When they become older, you'll watch helplessly as money flies out the window for these kids. Your suggestions are only serving to build his resentment towards you. You have 2 choices. Either start disengaging or leave. If you disengage, you're still going to be miserable. Sit down when you have some alone time and do some hard thinking. Make a list of the pros and cons. Examine deep inside yourself about your level of it there or not?  I have done a lot of disengaging but it doesn't change the fact that tons of money went out the window for nothing. First it was sports and cheerleading, then wrecked cars, legal bills, etc. The older they get, the bigger and more expensive their problems.

Penny19's picture

Yegads! I am aware of that horror film but have never seen it. I can assure that line I used was ME speaking my thoughts.  It's just a coincidence that it was a line out of that movie. It's very astute of you to pick up on it. I hope that doesn't indicate my true character. LOL. 

hereiam's picture

I didn't even have to read it all to know that I would move out. Absolutely no way that I would live like this, in my own home. And there's no way I would even date a man who is okay with, and actually expects me to be okay with, being disrespected like this.

I was almost asked to move out over this. 

...he gets mad at me and seems to now have the stance that he doesnt know if he wants me here anymore because he doesnt like the way I talk about his kids.

YOU should make the decision to move out, this guy is a jerk.

Rags's picture

That he blames the SO and does not recognize that the issue is how he parents makes this guy and his spawn a collective write off.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

This situation is a trainwreck, and he isn't even a little bit supportive. If he isn't sure he wants you there, make the decision for him. Don't put up with this crap for a lukewarm partner. And the asking him for things to see how high he will jump, like ice cream at 10:30 while you guys are in bed?! If he said yes, this is a hopeless case. "They are just kids?!" "Don't speak unless spoken to?!" Jesus.