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Ever think..why bother having a chid? Who cares?

Crazy_Psycho's picture

I have two young step kids and have a good relationship with their mother. My partner split up with his ex when SD was 1 and before SS was born and had them only four nights a month due to his work schedule.
The issue i have always had is my jealousy and acceptance. We are currently trying for a baby with no success. i find it hard to watch him being all over his children and show them affection . He really wanted a boy so i find it hard when i see him playing guns and football with his son, a son that hes seen once a week since his been born and has been raised my his full time stepdad since he was 6 month old. These kids that he sees so little but yet whenever he does anything with them, i think its taking something away when we have our own kids. i feel he wont be excited as i am, ive told him this and he says im being stupid. to make matters worse, my sister in law is pregnant so she will having the first grandchild (my mum and dad really wanted a grandchild)so not ony do i not to have my boyfriends first child son or daughter not the grandchild either. whos going to give a shit when im pregnant? wil it just be thats excited? will it the same for everyone else? will the ook of pure proudness i see on my boyfriends face when he teaches his son with another woman how to kick a ball be the same with our son? if we have one that is. i know im feeling sorry for mysef but it just feels when i have a kid everyone will have done everything and wont feel the same excitement as i feel as theyll have done everything before. nothing new to no one but me. i cant seem to shake these feelings off and its making miserable and unstable.

askYOURdad's picture

I don't mean for this to sound harsh so I hope you don't take it the wrong way. You are having a lot of feelings of insecurity and jealousy around your husband's past... that is normal and understandable. You have to figure out a way to understand those feelings and not let them get the best of you.

BM was not the first woman to have a baby, neither was your sister. Women have been having babies since the beginning of time and you know what, people still get really excited about it. Of course your parents are excited about your sister's pregnancy, if you were first you would want them to be just as excited about yours. When it is your turn they will be equally excited and they will think that all of their grandchildren hung the moon.

As far as your DH. He sounds like a good father. When you see him playing with his son, instead of thinking "will he love our son that much" think "wow, he's so great with his kid one day a week, imagine how happy it will make him to have a his kid here every day." Your DH will bond better with your child together because it will be part of his daily life and routine. It's not easy for women to separate the love they see their SO have for their child from the love we know/fear they once had with the child's mother. When you have your own child it will be just as exciting for your DH and he will be fully capable of loving all of his kids.

Crazy_Psycho's picture

thanks for your replies. I am really really not wanting a baby to show off or in anyway an accessory of any kind. i want a child so i can be a mother and so me and my dp can have a little family what ive always wanted. i dont want peoples approval i want their excitement and love and the newness and novelty to be the same for my child. i would hate to think im having a child and my partner and parents dont feel the same as they already have a children and grandchild.

Crazy_Psycho's picture

heck fire i wish i had your attitude i really do. sometimes i think you know no one else might be feel the same but f**k it its my first chid and my baby and i dont care what anyone else thinks. i have a good boyfriend so so what. but that doesnt last for very long. when i see him with her kids, kids that she manipulated in having, kids tht my dp has seen 4 nights a month since they were babies, i get so jealous, resentful, angry and really low. its hard seeing him with ss as i know hes wanted a boy and now he has him (though like i say hes seen him once a week since hes born) still seeing him play guns with him calling him hes little man it really hurts me. what if we have a baby will he be as excited to play guns n football or will it not be the same as hes done it before? i hate to think my dp doesnt feel about our kids the way i do thats what im most afraid of.

leslie814's picture

every weekend here too and a night sometimes two a week. DH has 50% visitation and sometimes more but still pays cs like he only gets them EOW. ugh

Orange County Ca's picture

Your concerns are very valid and somewhat misunderstood.

You are always going to be a second class citizen to some degree or another in this situation. The only way to find out how bad it will be is to do it. Something I do not recommend.

I've read here of grandparents completely ignoring the second family, the second wife and the second child(ren), which causes no end of heartache with the mother. The children quickly catch on that they're second class citizens in the extended family and that really hurts. Usually the husband declines to put his parents in their place and I've little doubt a divorce is down the line.

I've always suggested that people who do not have children leave a step situation and find a spouse without children. There are a million eligible people out there. I know its hard to start over but its better than staying with a husband that has already told you that you're stupid for feeling that way. Right then and there is enough reason to go.

Smith75's picture

Wow! That's exactly what happened to me! My in-laws didn't like me at all but still expected me to treat their grandkids as though i was their mother! And my DH did nothing to support me against their constant rudeness or adjust their unreasonable expectations.

I'm now separated from DH, and although there are several key issues in our break up, one of them was my deep insecurity. I want my own kids and I felt so insecure that DH or his family wouldn't have the same love for my/our child as the skids (who lived with us full time), based on their treatment of me. It does sound like your boyfriend is a good partner to you, and hopefully he doesn't make you feel as insecure as my DH did. But do think carefully before getting pregnant and talk to your boyfriend honestly about your feelings. He may surprise you by making you feel secure and stable and help to extinguish these feelings you have. Obviously if he doesn't then you have some thinking to do.

It's very hard starting over, but I'd rather be happy and single than in a miserable skid-fuelled marriage.

Crazy_Psycho's picture

Thanks for your replies. I am talking about my parents. My parents have wanted a grandchild, and ever since ive moved out with my boyfriend (i am 25 years old) and now my younger brothers 18 year old girlfriend who hes been seeing less than a year is having their first grandchild is going to make them a nanna and grandad. so now when i have children my boyfriends already a dad and now my parents are going to grandparents. i know im feeling sorry for myself but i just feel so hard done by. i feel whos going to be excited the same as me? who cares? i feel like im getting second best. fortunately i have a babymad mother in law, even though shes close with his ex, any kids of mine she'll obsess over too. she loves babies in general. If anything ill be glad cos at least some one will be over top cos i doubt itll be my boyfriend or parents Sad

Crazy_Psycho's picture

yeah i do hoggy. my friends niece (her brothers daughter) is first kid and grandchild and shes a little spoilt cow apparently so there trying for another. i guess in just imagined it a certain way like my partner and me bringing up our children together and going to the parks buying birthday presents etc and now when im doing this with my partners and some other womans kids. i think whats going to be left for me? me and my partner will have gone through a lot of things first with his children so i think will it be exciting for my dp the second time round? i know that no doubt we'll get a lot of firsts as my partners only seen his children four nights a month since they were babies and has not lived with them since so i know in a lot of ways it'll be different for my partner too but i still cant help feeling angry and hurt whenever he does do something with them no matter how small it might be.

Crazy_Psycho's picture

No he doesn't really talk keeps it all in really. His ex contacts usually once a week or she can talk when he phones kids. And i don't think ill have problems with my mil shes baby obsessed. And i do count myself lucky we only have them once a week compared to a lot of people where is every full weekend. It gives us time to ourselves but its stillhard.