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Am I Being Unreasonable?

StressedOutSM91's picture

Hi all,

So I am a SM of an 11 year old. My husband (her dad) and I have her every other weekend from Friday to Sunday. She's great, no quarms there.

However.... Her mum and us do not have a very good relationship through no fault of our own. So communication is very little or it's through SD (Obvs we never argue through SD and we are very careful what we say but if we need to speak to her mum then thats the only option we have as we are blocked elsewhere).

For the first 4 years they only lived 15 minutes down the road so picking her up and dropping her of was never a problem. However, about 6 months or so ago they moved further away so now it takes us a 2 hour round trip to pick her up and a 2 hour round trip to drop her off every weekend. This is really taking its toll on my car (we can't afford 2 cars) as well as costing for fuel. 

I have suggested that we should tell SD mum that she needs to do one of the trips. So she drops her off on a Friday and we take her home on the Sunday. However husband won't say anything. Am I being unreasonable here? It was there choice to move further away without really talking to us about how things were going to work. Surley this should be a 2 way street?

 

 

 

ESMOD's picture

you aren't being unreasonable.  Yes.. both parents should share the responsibility.. and BM more if she is the one who moved to be honest.. he is generous to offer to split.  But a precedent has been set and that will be hard to change.

So, he doesn't have a car of his own.. you share yours?  Maybe he needs to change that.?

StressedOutSM91's picture

Thank you all.

I'll try and have another conversation with him tonight. I just always feel like I'm being a bad person by saying it. Like I'm trying to cause issues on purpose which is not the case at all.

The issue we have with the car is currently there is no need for 2 cars. We work together so we car share every day. Plus with the cost of extra insurnace, tax, MOT etc... It just makes sense. I have no issues with him using my car at all it's just now that they have moved further I can see the differences in cost. 

ESMOD's picture

Since he has the relatively greater need for the car... he should be paying a much larger share of costs.. if not all.  

justmakingthebest's picture

In most cases if one parents moves away it is their responsibility to make 100% of the travel. Therefore, by asking for 1/2 of the travel to do be done by her you are doing her a favor. 

tog redux's picture

We won't think you are unreasonable, but my guess is that BM will think you are. How do you plan to make her do this? 

StressedOutSM91's picture

I really don't know..... She will think it's an attack on her and will make life difficult. Potentionally play the guilt card on husband as she normally does and say that SD doesnt need him etc. 

I think we have to stand our ground. SD is old enough now to understand that her dad loves her to peices and would'nt be the one causing this. I think we say that she has to help now and if she refuses then say ok well we will see SD the next time we are due to have her.

BM has another 5 kids living with her. 2 are hers and the other 3 are her partners but from different relationships. She has worked it so all the kids are away on the same weekend. I think she would cave in as she won't want SD around on her "weekend off" if that makes sense.

 

Problem is how we do this so it doesnt effect SD. Any ideas?

tog redux's picture

I would suggest that you make it so that your husband picks up SD at BM's and BM picks up SD at your house - that way she can't refuse to bring her for her time with you. 

hereiam's picture

Part of he problem ,now, is that you guys have already been doing this extra drive for 6 months.

But, no, you are not being unreasonable. BM is the one who moved, the onus should be on her to do the extra transportation. Splitting it with her is being generous.

Stand your ground until your husband says something to BM, then he needs to stand his ground with her.

You are not the one who caused this issue, that was all BM. And, DH, for not saying anything about the transportation issue at the time she moved.

 

CajunMom's picture

When BM lived close by (about 20 min), we'd pick up and drop off kids on visitation weekends. Once she move 1.5 hours away, it was me who stood up and said, No F-ing way. We picked up for the visits. She picked up for their return home. Fair is fair. 

WwCorgi7's picture

Yes this should be split, one picks up and one drops off. Split travel was actually court ordered with the parenting plan in my DH's case but BM rarely adhered to it and it would cause trouble. I agree with others here, if you do not do the pick ups she will use it as an excuse not to bring her or bring her late.

Rags's picture

The person who moves should bear the cost and perform the transportation.

Put it in front of the judge and let them beat the snot out of BM.

bananaseedo's picture

Make it a hill to die on unless you want to kiss those weekends goodbye.  She moved, so in reality she should be taking all of the load, but if you want to be more 'fair' then he picks up on his weekend, she picks her up on Sundays. He has to learn to fear repercussions from you rather then making his ex's life easier.

If she is vindictive -she could just not drive her to him, so have him pick her up.  

CLove's picture

not in the slightest. your partner should stand up to BM if she makes noises and you should not be made to feel like you are attacking either him or his kido. You can relate it in the practical terms. You can have your time and it being ecnomical...