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Am I being selfish?

JMC_1122's picture

I’m new to this so please bare with me if I mess up. 

My fiancé and I got together a year ago after waiting 10 years to be together. We both were in different relationships in between that time. She happened to get married to someone with a child. It was a TOXIC marriage from the get go. She did it for the child. We kept in contact through the whole thing so the BM already hated me to begin with. Now that we are together- that still hasn’t changed. She makes our lives hell. We have no rights to my FSS (I think I’m getting these abbreviations right) so she controls everything.

Here we go. 

They had a bitter divorce and the BM is still resentful and petty over it. She will not let us see my FSS unless we pay each month. I have no children myself so I don’t quite get why we have to put a child in a shopping cart to see him. Anyway, my fiancé is bound and determined to keep the child in her life which I do not blame her for, I knew what I was getting into. But she is WAY too close to the BM. They are in contact everyday. For “hating” each other, they sure do talk a lot. BM calls and texts with every bit of drama and every life question she has. Every old memory... everything. My FMIL is too close to her also. They stay in contact, for what I believe, is too often as well. I am coming second to my FSS in every way by every body. I feel used. I am the one who picks him up and drops him off with BM every week. I drop off CS. I watch him while my fiancé works. I didn’t even get a say in the schedule or if I was okay with me doing all the hours of driving. I’m perfectly fine with it, but it would’ve been nice to be included. Then when everyone is around him or they all get together, it’s ALL ABOUT THE BM. The conversation never ends. I will never be excepted. At least that’s how I feel. There’s still pictures of her in the family households. Granted, I hung a picture of her in my FSS’s room but I wanted him to know that he doesn’t have to forget her while he’s here. I want him to know that we are all connected. 

Even though I don’t want to be.... I feel alone. Used. Unappreciated. Invisible. Like I’ll never live up to the dramatic entrance and (somewhat) of an exit the BM made. I’m resentful, full of anger- and silent. 


momjeans's picture

It’s a lonely place to be, yes. 

And, yes, it sounds like you are being used. 

Your feelings are valid. So, what are you going to do about it? Have you recommended couples counseling? Have you set a cap on how much longer you’ll allow things to be this way. 

For 10 years in waiting, this level of treatment simply does not make sense. 

JMC_1122's picture

Yes, I’ve talked about counseling but she did it with her first wife and it didn’t work. Since she “knows it clearly doesn’t work”, she won’t do it again. 

momjeans's picture

Well, that’s unfortunate.

If she’s unwilling to go to therapy, I’d take that as a big, flashing warning sign that your relationship can’t be saved. 

tog redux's picture

OK, forgive my pronoun confusion. I'm gathering that your SO is a woman (though fiance is the spelling for a man) and she was married to another woman, right? So is the child hers legally, as in, did she give birth to or adopt the child? 

If so, she needs a CO that outlines visitation and how to pay child support (hint: not through you).  If not, she's kind of up shit's creek, since BM can decide whether or not to allow her in the child's life.

That's step 1. Step 2 is for you to decide what you are and are not willing to do, what role you play and what kind of boundaries need to be in place around BM.

Sounds a bit to me like this whole "waiting for 10 years" masked the fact that the toxicity wasn't just coming from BM.

justmakingthebest's picture

I am thinking along the lines of Tog here...

My big question is if there is any mandated CS? Was your GF ever recognized legally as a parent? How old is this child? 

If the answer is no to mandated CS or legal recognization of parenthood- your GF needs to spend the next weekend you have with the child explaining that under the law she isn't mommy anymore. Do not give BM another dime until your GF has actual rights. 

If this child is a teenager, which it sounds like he is or close to it, make sure he knows that he can call y'all anytime while the legal stuff is being worked out but that you guys aren't BM's piggy bank. You are however people that love him. 

JMC_1122's picture

Sorry, I missed all of these! 

I will definitely own up to my end of the toxicity in the waiting end of it. I chose a life of bad decisions and rough roads and she chose the military. We took different paths until I straightened my life up. I never thought I was good enough for her so I ran for a very long time. 

The child is 4. Definitely not a teenager yet. Although he wants to act like it sometimes! 

She is not the biological mom. We have no legal rights to him. No court order. Just a document stating meeting times, child support, shit like that. Personally, I think it’s bogus. BM hasn’t followed it whatsoever since the day she came up with it. I’ll be honest, I threw a hissy fit when I got the call that there was a document in the first place. I was NO part of that decision either. I get it- no my legitimate child to make decisions for- but seriously, I’d like to be included in how I’m going to live my day to day life. 

Im sorry if I’m using the wrong pronouns! We call each other and introduce ourselves as fiancé so I know no different.. I apologize. 

This whole situation has been very very hard. BM has touched my SO, texted long “I love you, I want you back” messages, sent marriage counseling type things through messenger, and so much more and I’ve tried my damndest to have my SO set boundaries and the reply is “I’ve done what I can. Sorry if that’s not good enough.” In the most monotone voice. 

I love her and I love this little boy. But I’m so stuck in my head of angry, jealous, restful, confused thoughts yet my heart is lovestruck with her with every day. 

justmakingthebest's picture

With no real rights, your GF/soon to be wife has got to let go. I am not sure how long she was with this woman, if they chose a donor together or if this child was there before your GF. Either way, she has to let go and let you guys have a life. She is going to fight a battle of nothing but heart break.

Just read some of my posts with a toxic BM. My husband HAS rights. Still, we get no where. My husband is his actual father... yep... still an ongoing battle every day. The BM in our life has no job, mooches off disability and whatever other income she can get under the table. Demands High CS and alimony. It is insane. My SS is a paycheck for her. That is all...

JMC_1122's picture

I’ll definitely go read! Thank you!

the whole family fights the battle. This little guy is a pawn for her to get whatever she wants when she wants it. She moves towns every 2 months minimum, can’t hold a job because of her attitude and/or constantly switching partners and she also works the system. 

Why cant people just be civil?

tog redux's picture

Sorry, I wasn't clear - FIANCEE is a female person who is engaged, FIANCE is a male.

And I was saying she might be a bit toxic, not you.

Rags's picture

Get out of the Uber bitch and CS delivery bitch business.  Stop "dropping off" CS and start direct payroll withholding for CS. That ends a bunch of the reasons for your SO and the X/BM speaking. She can bitch all she wants about money but once CS is withheld from your SO's pay the answer enternally becomes "Call the CSE office/state. I already paid."  If  you are the one paying the CS our of your pay on behalf othe the SO.... set up direct payment ot the CSE office and then they forward the money to the BM.  Either way... no more beck and call delivery bitch services.

No offense intended on the colorful titles I tend to use.  That is how they are all treating you. Stop that crap now!!!!!

Take care of you.

justmakingthebest's picture

NO!! Don't agree to pay CS that your GF has no rights to the child over! She is not the mama-- Bio or adoptive!! Quit paying all together! 

JMC_1122's picture

No offense taken at all!!

i feel like it constantly. I don’t pay it personally. I’m not technically allowed to have a job. Due to health and her preferences. Whole different blog would be needed for that one. I just drop off the money order she gives me to give to the BM. 

Literally a messenger, taxi and babysitter. 

I just happen to love the one I do it all for. 


Since we we have no rights we can’t go through the court system. If we did, I can almost garentee you that the BD would get drug into the picture because he only has rights because he made her prove it was his with a DNA test because he didn’t believe her/nor want him so he was trying to prove that the child wasn’t his.... now he is ASLO PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. 

Its all one big fudged situation. 

tog redux's picture

I know it seems impossible, but your GF needs to walk away from this child. As much as that would hurt him, being used as a pawn to manipulate your GF is hurtful too.  She should not be paying one penny of child support for a child that is not legally hers.

Please rethink this relationship until some boundaries are clearly set.  I think the "10 years of waiting" was all just fantasy.

Rags's picture

I have to completely agree that your SO needs to stop funding her toxic X and shut off the guilt money train.

She needs to get her X to court, nail her ass to the wall, and set up visitation with thsi kid or... write both the kid and the BM off completely.  I get that this kid is "hers" and "yours". But... do not allow the toxic womb donor to victimize the two of you over this missplaced sense of guilt.

Get the BioDad involved. The goal is the destruction of the BM and to foster the protection and best interests of this kid.

tog redux's picture

Yes,  Rags has a good strategy. Your GF and BioDad should team up to get him custody/visitation rights, and have BioDad allow your GF a relationship with the boy (if BioDad is reasonable) on his time.  Take away BM's power - right now, she's manipulating everyone and getting a lot of money out of the deal.  Your GF could likely give BioDad information about BM that he could use to get time with his son.

Of course, this all assumes BioDad is sane.

marblefawn's picture

If you stayed in touch for 10 years, waiting in the wings for this woman to be free, you can hardly expect her to stop speaking with her ex now. You sort of setup a situation where talking to others outside your respective relationships is OK -- except now you're the one in the relationship with her and you don't want her talking to her ex.

On top of that, she has an excuse to be in contact with her ex -- the kid. Maybe this is just who this woman is -- someone who can't fully commit without having someone in the wings fawning over her.

If the BM is hostile to you, maybe it's because she knows you were always there ready to pickup where her relationship left off. Maybe she saw YOU as the meddling other woman back then, so she's not going to back off now.

That aside, why are you suffering in silence? If you don't think it's fair that you weren't included in the custody schedule, take that up with your fiance or fiancee (I thought we were all supposed to be moving toward non-gender pronouns!) You have to raise a little hell to get your piece of the pie. If telling your fiance you feel unappreciated and invisible doesn't make her change her tune, maybe it's time to rethink whether you want to live like this forever.

It doesn't sound as if she's going to give up this kid, so now is the time to find out whether she's willing to give you some ground in this parenting situation. He is still little, but when discipline issues start to come up, you want to have full authority to parent or your life will be hellish, especially because it sounds as if you're given all the work of being a parent without the respect that should go with it.

It's not too late. You're not married yet, so if you don't like how things are now, don't expect that marriage will improve them. Set your expectations with your fiance now or forever hold your peace!