Why is my stepdaughter (13) still in denial of her mom and dads divorce?
My stepdaughter I think is still in denial of her mom and dads divorce. And no, I wasn't the reason for the divorce. I came to my husbands life after the divorce. I have 2 kids from my previous marriage also. My husband has 2 as well. When I moved in with them, his kids were rude, lies alot and very disrespectful to both their parents. I literally turned that around and taught them how to respect and be trusted. Their bio mom loved me for that. And she said that she's always been thankful for everything I do with her kids. My stepdaughter listens to me and ask me for advice before she goes to her mom which I find really odd. She knows that I treat everyone the same, love them all the same. However, when my stepdaughter is around her friends, she introduces me as her aunt or just her dads "gf". Not stepmom or anything. She doesn't want her friends to know that we have the same last name. Last month before she auditioned for a play, she personally consulted me about how she sound singing the song for the audition. I sing alot so I helped her and point out her flaws and what needs to be perfected. The following week, after she's been practicing the song and me listening and pointing everything out, she got the part she wanted. My husband told me that I've been very supportive and he thank me for that too. I picked her and dropped her off to school for her rehearsal. Bought her stuff she needs, helped her memorized her lines and all. I was there for her the whole nine yards. Yesterday, we finally get to see her play and as I was reading the program and saw the casts bios. When I was reading hers, I cried. Her bio says that she thanked her mom for everything and all the support. I was never included on anything. The other kids bios that have divorced parents have their parents and step-parents name in there. I tried to hide my feelings but my husband noticed that I was crying. I was really hurt. Very hurt. I don't know how to feel. Is this normal for a 13 year old to act?
It is hurtful when you go to
It is hurtful when you go to such lengths to support & do & "be there" for someone & they refuse to recognize you. I think this happens in a lot of stepfamilies. It sucks.
Your SD may be dealing with guilty feelings for loving you & not wanting her mom to feel replaced. She may be dealing with hopeful wishing...wishing her mom had taken the opportunity to do those things for her.
I don't believe I'll ever be "stepmom" to my husband's kids. For 8 years I was his girlfriend, & from now on I'll be "my dad's wife".
I like to think that taking the time for them & being the stepmom I think I would want someone to be to me, that sometime down the road they'll get past the guilt.
I know mine refuse that acknowledgement because BM has guilted them into it. They feel like they are turning against her if they show any kind of acceptance or appreciation toward me.
I don't really have advice other than to continue to be a good stepmom. You feel good & give yourself credit for all you do. What did your husband say about it? I think he should talk to her about it. I think he should remind her of the time & effort that YOU spent with her...one to even get the part, & two, for helping her make sure she had everything she needed to participate. She should know that her failure to acknowledge you is disrespectful. There are obviously reasons for her behavior somewhere in the mix, but regardless of those, her behavior is disrespectful.
(((Hugs)))
I resigned myself long ago
I resigned myself long ago that: If my SD is a success it will because of NOTHING I have ever done and if she is a failure it will be because of EVERYTHING I did.......StepMom's Role...sucks but the truth.....Let's hope maybe deep down "mom" ment you
Isn't it crazy! I don't
Isn't it crazy! I don't understand it either. My husband was married to his first wife for 4 years!!!!! We have been together for 22 years.....doesn't that say soemthing in itself. And SSs (27 & 29) have mentioened to their dad that they don't understand why he didn't try as hard with their mom. What? She was fooling around on him! Denial!!!!!!
Yep...all the good you'll do,
Yep...all the good you'll do, they transfer it to deal ol' mom.
The girl sounds like she has a respect for you and that's really nice. What she sees is you, she wishes her mother had.
Remember, she's a liar. In her mind, she's making up that her BM is doing and saying all the things you are because she really wishes her mom was capable of that and also, she's probably hoping her mother reads that bio and tries to live up to it.
No telling why she did that. It's always hurtful when they pull that.
My husband's oldest daughter (watch Casey ANthony....SD same pathological liar) made the comment that her mother made the best strawberry shortcake. She'd never had that until I fixed it. Then, she was over for a couple other dinner and told her friend, in earshot of me (she might have been trying to get a rise, who knows with the psycho-child) that her mother had made it. Later, my FIL told me one of the things he was so disappointed in my husband's ex and she never cooked and didn't know how to make one damn thing. I asked my husband and he said it was always take out unless it was a hotdog, green beans, or mac&cheese.
So, sounds your are the role model while she's giving BM the credit. Yeah, they do this for different reasons. Will it improve, don't know. Remember, she is a liar in denial. You're lucky she's as nice to you as she is.
13 year old SDs are the worst
All I can say is that I get it because my 13SD is so estranged from us now-- she lived with us for nearly 4 years when she was 8-12 but when she got her period it happened to be the year we got married (age 12) and from that point on she wanted to live with her BM. She doesn't even communicate with her Dad at all anymore. He goes to her soccer games still, but I don't go anymore, I feel pretty rejected. My advice is to try to pretend she doesn't exist in your life-- let he and her BM do all of the rearing-- you'll never be appreciated unfortunately and you desrve better than that...don't waste your time.
There isn't much about any
There isn't much about any 13yo that is normal. It is interesting that she ascribed all the help you have provided to "mom".
I have no idea why she avoids the reality that you represent. However, it is time to hand her the program, point out her comments and ask "So, it was "mom" who helped you prepare for your audition, learn your lines, rehearse, etc.. You have never called me "mom" before. So, no more of the Aunt or dad's GF references."
Confront the crap. That is the only way to destroy it.
Or... just introduce SD as your husband's consequence for his poor choice of a first wife. It is an interesting mental excercise to script speaking and referring to them as many of them speak of us.