Where do I fit?
I can't complain too much, it really is not all that bad, but I was just wondering if anyone else has a similar issue at all. I am in my early 50's and have 2 adult kids of my own who are independent and parents themselves. I moved in with by b/f a year and a half ago when I got sick (Cancer). He wanted to be there for me so I reluctantly got rid of my apartment and moved into HIS home that he has owned for close to 20 years. The bm lived here too but moved out approx 12 years ago when they got a divorce. He has 2 daughters now in there 20's. The youngest is on her own, but the oldest (mid 20's) moved back in last summer (thank heaven I was done with chemo and just finished radiation...didn't need more stress). Her 'room' is now an office, as was her current room as it was my office. Well, I was TOLD that she was moving home and that my stuff would have to be moved. The day came and my things were unceremoniously dumped in the basement / family room. To date, I have no place to hang my clothes except in the basement laundry room and I have a couple of dressers. My office was moved also to the basement, but just recently back up to my b/f's office which he has supplied a computer for her to use to play her 'games' on.
This young woman has no friends, is always here except when she goes to work and she works at the same place as my b/f so they go to work together, run errands together etc.
They come home, she is a fussy eater and doesn't like the food prepared, so will make her own, but won't clean up. She never lifts a finger to assist in any type of household chores except to do her own laundry. Does she pay for rent, food, anything? NO. I pay for groceries and she just eats whatever she likes, but pays nothing and does nothing. At her age I was working, married and a mother and certainly had to look after things in a mature way. This s/d has just announced she will be here for another 3 years because she is going back (again) to school. Her room is a total mess, dishes etc in there, but my b/f allows all of this. He drives her around because she doesn't want to take the bus and she doesn't have her driver's license. What she wants, she gets. If we are having a conversation, she will interrupt and he runs for her because she wants/needs something. I recently asked if we could maybe think of replacing an old appliance, or painting the house since it needs it on the inside so that maybe I could feel like this is my home too but I was told NO in no uncertain terms. This is his house and that's that. If anything happens to my b/f I am out because the house is going to the girls. He has no intention of marrying me since he doesn't believe in it anymore...as he says, once bitten twice shy.
He is a good man, but she is running the show here. If she does not get her way, she becomes rude, offensive and extremely angry. This has been better lately since he is giving into her for everything. We have little time alone, we never go anywhere because he doesn't want to leave her alone...sometimes, now that I am better, I think I should move into my own place again and they can have HIS/their house and we can date again...I sometimes feel like this will never change. She has it too good here..no rent, food, coffee, wine, free everything, even her cell phone is paid for...I am not allowed to say anything...if I do I get that look from him and he gets quiet..like I don't have any rights....I used to have my own home..lost it in a divorce...so now I feel like the third wheel here...has anyone else ever felt like this?
So basically you are a
So basically you are a "guest" that provides food and shelter to an ungrateful kid. I say kid because she isn't an adult. I would consider getting my own place again. It is assnine you don't have someplace to hang your clothes other then a basement. I am sorry you are going through this. I don't think it ever changes to be honest. I am 37 and know I am fighting a battle I will never win. And I am on the edge of telling my SO to go back to his mom's and take his kids. You aren't a third wheel but you are being treated like one. It's HIS house eh? Well then take your money and don't invest in ANYTHING for HIS house. No food, no toiletries, nothing. Buy what YOU need for your corner. Save so you can get out.
You say it's not all that
You say it's not all that bad? It sounds pretty unbearable. Definitely move out when u feel well enough. This won't change so why let yourself in for the hurt. You can still date and keep yourself free to look for a less selfish partner.
Yes, you are right. I do feel
Yes, you are right. I do feel like the guest in his house. I have asked numerous times to have a place upstairs to hang my things, and he says he will clear a space, but that hasn't happened yet. When his little 'adult' girl moved in he/we went to a store and the two of them shopped and he got her a lovely dresser but if I want or need anything to bring in he can come up with all kinds of reasons we shouldn't do that. We were looking at a dresser the other day for me and he said maybe we will get a wardrobe..but that hasn't happened yet either. I have never been a nag but lately have been telling him that I don't feel like this is my home. He told me that he doesn't want me to feel that way, but understands why I do. I told him that is why when people get into a relationship, they often get a home together so that it is 'theirs'...not hers alone or his alone.
He is mortgage free, and his daughters grew up here..so do you think he will move? Not on your life. I am a great maid, I like things clean and I have a good eye for decoration so I have moved some things around and even then he looks at it and it takes him awhile to be okay with it.
I have been seriously thinking that I need to find my own place...I love this man, but since she has moved back in, well, I don't have much alone time if ever with him.
I fought a battle with cancer, so far I have won, but it has changed my perspective, realizing that I need to think about me and what will make me happy. I was pretty happy when it was just he and I, but she has come in and she took my spot at the table, announcing that it was always HER spot..she monopolized the conversation at the table so I just eat quietly and then do the dishes because she has to get back to her 'game'. She has 'borrowed' numerous things from me, but I have never seen them come back...she's not hateful, she's not a terrible young woman, but I feel like we have a 16 yr old in the house, not someone in her mid 20's. Her dad listens to her word as gospel...just weird I guess. My Dad and Mom have always been together, and love each other, so I guess I find all of this new family thing odd. I look at my adult kids and they are extremely self sufficient, we have a great friendship but they have told me that they will never move back in with either myself or their dad, no matter what LOL. That makes me proud of them, they want to succeed. They are not by any means perfect, but at least they can look after themselves. This gal here..not so sure. The bm is around and calls here for her and has invited herself over which was denied, but I feel like I'm in the middle of something that as an empty nester, did not want to come back to.
LOTS of people on here have
LOTS of people on here have felt exactly like this. I am currently working to AVOID that exact situation with my STB Wife and her oldest D.
Honestly, he doesn't act like you are much of a priority and just from what you describe he is acting like he takes your presence for granted and assumes you won't leave. If he doesn't want to MAKE you a priority I would say you should just get your own place and go back to dating. You should never make someone more of a priority to you, than they do for you. Let him sit in his house that he chooses to share with his princess and ONLY his princess.
Alternately, you can start doing little things to get a little vindication. Like instead of washing her dirty dishes, put them all in a box and hide it in the garage, eventually there will be no dishes and you will have your one setting that you use and wash and put away for only YOUR use, when she asks where the dishes went, just tell her, "you refused to wash your own dishes and I didn't want them laying around stinking up the house, so I threw them away, so go buy some new ones and CLEAN THEM or have your dad, because I will not allow rotten food to lay around". She will freak out and go to Daddy and then he can either announce that HE will ALWAYS clean her dishes, or that she has to.
I appreciate all the comments
I appreciate all the comments and feedback I have received. It's true, maybe the reason I am still here is because he was so kind to me when I was sick and I think I feel like I owe him or something - but it is also true, that he 'sometimes' thinks of us as a couple, but mostly not. Last weekend my daughter (who is 4 months pregnant) her fiance were moving (she already has a little girl, my beautiful little granddaughter) so I told my bd that I would help. My B/F agreed but once there made me feel terrible He was okay until all the young fellows showed and and all of a sudden he felt old I guess. I don't know what happened, but he just wanted to leave. I felt terrible but there were too many people there by that time so we left it to the young ones LOL. But he made me feel just awful..he was acting strange, quiet and he made it clear to me that he was done helping. When his daughter moved back here, I helped and didn't do that to him and I was still very weak from all of my treatments...still was wearing a wig since I was still bald...now when I was asking for a return favour, he just didn't seem like he really wanted to. It is true, blood is thicker than water and I know that if it were MY daughter here, he would not feel too good about that, but things would be different because I have no problem telling my own kids what I'm thinking. But there is a line when you get involved with a man and his kids are already grown. You are not in that 'parental' type of situation because they are already adults..so I can't say much and if I do he gets defensive. I think a lot of is he can see himself in this girl so he thinks she is doing just fine.
I agree..I need to stop paying for things around here and to let them pick up after themselves...sometimes I wonder why I am so helpful..but I like a clean home so it's partly for me. I have much to think about
My youngest SD would do the
My youngest SD would do the dish thing too. My STB Wife is VERY clean, to the point of OCD, and while she would try to tell SD18 to clean up after herself, SD18 would blow her off and say "later" and wait mom out. She KNEW that mom simply COULD NOT go to bed, or leave the house the next morning if the kitchen was a mess, so all she had to do was endure some bitching from mom and maybe cause a distraction with some unrelated drama so mom forgot about the dishes for a while, and mom would just do them and she would never be made to actually follow through and clean up her own mess.
It is amazing how skilled these adult offspring become in manipulating their parents.
I ditto what Blue said. I
I ditto what Blue said. I would move out and get my own place. I don't think you will find happiness under this roof. First you must take care of YOU ... after going through an illness, the last thing you need is to have an unecessary stressful life - it can take it's toll on your health in a serious way. I think you will find that there will be great comfort in a home of your own. "Home" is the operative word here. Where you are living right now is not a home, it's a habitat ... and one where you are treated like a non-native species. While your BF may have had good intentions at first, now that his daughter is on-scene he has made it clear you are not top priority. Go out and secure your own place, plan for the move, and tell him you will continue to see him but you need to have a place you can call home. His place is not it.
Ditto Where you are living
Ditto Where you are living right now is not a home, it's a habitat ... and one where you are treated like a non-native species... well said 2T.
Your SO tolerated this?
Your SO tolerated this?
Agree with the others. This
Agree with the others. This is not the life for you especially after your fight with Cancer. I too had cancer this past winter and also 3 years ago but luckily caught very early and surgery seemed to remove it all (for now anyway). I am going through SD issues too but thank goodness not in my own home. I COULD NEVER live with SD the way DH treats her like a princess. You will slowly feel worse and worse and your heart will hurt. Leave now before you reach that point. Take care of yourself first.
When my SS and his GF were
When my SS and his GF were living with us I put all their dirty dishes in their bed and pulled the blankets up over them. They couldnt go to bed till they took care of the dishes. Usually they just put them on the floor till they felt like doing them, but at least I didnt have to put up with them all over MY kitchen.
It's time to start packing.
It's time to start packing. If you want to show your appreciation for all he's done, buy him a gift card, but you simply have to leave that toxic household. You say you love him, but clearly his primary focus is his daughter. Her going back to school means she'll be in the house for at least another 5-7 years. Do you want to deal with that?
Get your own place so you can focus on healing and nurturing your spirit. And leave him there with his princess. You don't need the stress or the mistreatment.
A few years ago, I married and moved in w/DH and SD . . against my better judgement. SD was around 25 at the time. She too was lazy, didn't lift a finger around the house, was spiteful and mean spirited. When I complained to DH about her he got angry that I even mentioned the issue. Most of our arguments centered around her. When she finished school and got a job, I wanted DH to give her a move out date but he refused because he didn't want to "hurt her feelings." She paid a pittance in rent, until I made him double it. We stopped buying her favorite food and hid the laundry detergent. She had no friends and spent most of her free time at home eventhough she had a boyfriend. DH didn't want to have sex while she was in the house because he didn't feel "comfortable." So my newly-wed years were pretty much sexless. I told DH if she weren't gone by this Spring, I would be moving out. Fortunately she moved out a few months ago. I don't want to see anyone else go through the hell that I did. Move out!
Your BF is sending a pretty
Your BF is sending a pretty strong msg rather he intends to or not. I'd get out ASAP, what a nightmare!
It may have already been said
It may have already been said but stress lowers the immune system which your body uses to fight the cancer. This is not a healthy situation for you.