Hello, all! It's been a long time since I've posted in here, but I think it's time to stop lurking and start actively giving my support. Nearly 2 years ago, I was at my wit's end and ready to leave DH over YSD23's failure to launch as I was told would happen. I would have delayed getting married and moving here had I known that she was going to continue living here for several years, but DH assured me that she was off to university and would be moving out just a few months after I was scheduled to move. OSD25 was already out of the house (more on that later). Anyway, you all gave me some great advice about disengaging, and, although DH thought it was unkind to not cater to her, I found that it helped me keep things in perspective while I waited for the situation to change.

You see (and this next statement is key) I never, ever in my entire life wanted children. DH knows this and has known this since long before we ever got married. I just didn't have the biological, psychological, or sociological needs or desires to be a "mom". Admittedly, I'm rather selfish. I enjoy deciding what to do with my time and my money, and I like being able to come and go as I please without any regard to "littles". I believe that when one has a child, one's own wants must always take a back seat to the child's needs. That isn't a commitment I was ever willing to make; hence, no children. Perhaps you think this unkind or cruel, but I think it's just a matter of being self-aware and making appropriate decisions based on that self-awareness.

Anyway, YSD23 finally finished university but then decided that she didn't like her chosen profession, so we paid for another college degree. She liked that work, having performed an internship in her field during school, and having completed the second degree, she's presently gainfully employed full-time in her profession. Additionally, she has moved out of our home and lives with her SO who is a very nice young man. Things would be better now, except that now OSD25 steps in and makes a mess of everything.

Let me try to give you the short version. OSD25 was living in her own apartment. About 5 years ago, OSD and her partner (we'll call her 'Hagatha') decided that it would be a good idea for OSD25 to have a child, so they somehow managed to get OSD25 pregnant. Hagatha is a bit older than I am (yes, old enough to be OSD25's mother) and lives off the state. Neither OSD25 nor Hagatha had completed any education at that point, and Hagatha never even finished high school, GED, anything. She has grown children of her own who were taken away from her when they were younger, and the cyle of laziness, entitlement, and poverty continues in them. On numerous occasions, Hagatha told OSD25 that it was our job to provide money to them, because we have more money than they do, and OSD25 is DH's daughter after all. Keep in mind that OSD25 will be 26 this year, so these are adults we're talking about here.

Now DH and I have his money, my money, and our money, so I'm not normally interested in what he does with his money. However, he gave tons of it away to this sinking ship over the last 5 years, and all because OSD25's child needed things. During this time, OSD25 supposedly got funding in the form of a grant for school and allegedly learned a good trade, one that will pay a good wage once she gets established in a medical business. However, that will never happen, because (and this is where it gets fun, boys and girls!), as it turns out, OSD25 and Hagatha are both hard-core drug addicts. I won't get into what they do, but we're not talking an occasional joint or pill. We're talking John Belushi, River Phoenix, "Less than Zero" kinds of junk. Anyway, nearly a year ago, some medical issues landed OSD25 in the hospital which is where we found out about the drug abuse. The hospital reported it to Social Services, and they removed DH's GD4 from OSD25's home. Additionally, BM of OSD25 and YSD23, who had moved into OSD25's apartment when Hagatha moved out, found herself evicted from the place, because OSD25 hadn't paid rent in months. DH's GD4 came to stay with DH and me, and we allowed BM to move in with us temporarily until she could figure out what to do next. A few months later, she moved in with some friends, and now she comes and stays with us every weekend, so she can visit GD4.

A few days ago, DH and I were talking, and he revealed to me that he suspects OSD25 no longer wants to get GD4 back, a suspicion I have held (but kept to myself) for several months based on a series of actions since December that I won't go into right now. Now I'm raising DH's GD4 nearly on my own, because DH's job has him out of town a lot. I feel very overwhelmed, because I'm stuck in a situation that I NEVER wanted to find myself in, and there's no way out other than to leave. Strangely, I had not
previously considered leaving to be an option in this situation. However, DH actually asked me the other day if I was thinking about it, and I honestly have been ever since.

Let me be clear -- none of this is GD4's fault, and I don't blame her at all. That doesn't mean I've changed my mind about never wanting to have/raise children. I still don't, and the way my life has had to change to accommodate her only serves to validate my feelings. I've already put out so much of my own money to get this child things like new clothes (hers reeked so much I didn't want them in my house), furniture for her room (we didn't even have a bed for her at first), and toys (I was concerned about any residual drugs that might be on them). I've paid to put her in activities like swim lessons and soccer (I know they're not necessary, but I felt like she needed some stability in her life). DH is paying for her pre-school but plans to put her in public school in the autumn. I think that at that point (if I'm still here), I will let him know that I won't be paying for these things for her anymore. He can use the pre-school tuition he'll be saving if he wants to continue her in those things.

I've given up all my freedom, because I can't come and go as I please. I can't even get a babysitter, because Social Services won't allow us to leave her alone with anyone they haven't deemed acceptable. My mother came to visit, and we couldn't even leave GD4 with my mother to go to a movie, because Social Services hadn't performed a background check on her.

Meanwhile, OSD25 sits at home, doing nothing, collecting welfare and some sort of monthly stipend for being a single parent. She shops, hangs out with friends, goes for hikes in the mountains, etc., etc. She won't work, because she's trying to get approved to receive disability for a "heart condition" that she supposedly has. Ironically, the "heart condition" she claims to have is common in IV drug abusers. And don't even get me started on her criminal activity! This post is already too long! To top everything off, we suspect she is using again. We don't have proof, but she's looking like she did before she ended up in the hospital the first time last May.

Needless to say, I have a lot of thinking to do, and some things are going to change around here. The question I have to answer is "How much change am I willing to initiate?" Thanks for reading...hope to see you around the boards, and I hope that I will be able to help you all with some of my experiences. Cheers!