An ultimatum is one person telling another person, "Do this or else I..." It's something that really doesn't give the other person a choice. They are screwed. Typically the consequence is really harsh and punitive and CAUSED by the person making the ultimatum.

A choice is everyone knowing what the NATURAL consequences of an action will be. There is always cause and effect. Everyone, every moment of every day, makes choices based upon what the effect of the action will be - and every single one of us has both the Free Will and are self-determined to decide one way or the other.

Thus, it's not only important for your H to CHOOSE his course of action, but it is also important for you to choose yours. Absolutely your H is going to CHOOSE how he is going to deal with you and his children. You get to choose how you are going to REACT to those choices. You also get to CHOOSE what your boundaries are, what you will and will not do.

Your H is CHOOSING to not let his children bother him and to not handle certain issues.

You have the Free Will to choose what his inaction means to you and what type of life YOU want to live: either with him or without him. Either way, you get to CHOOSE how you are going to react to his choices. For your own health, if you stay, it might be best to start working on a different way to react to the situation. Other SM's have found it best to become more "self-focused" and begin to put a higher priority on self-care. In general, when we remove ourselves from having to suffer the consequences FOR someone else's choices, our relationship with ourselves improves significantly.

I am not sure whether you could call banning SD from our home disengaging but at the time it was the only choice for me. For my health and sanity I had to completely remove the toxic element that SD brought with every visit. DH did not have the ability to insist his daughter respect me. He probably still couldn't do it. So I had to do what was necessary to take care of me. I gave DH the choice to leave or stay - no ultimatum. I didn't say, "You do this or else you're gone." I let him know my boundaries and that I would not longer take the abuse. I also gave DH the choice of rectifying the situation by informing his daughter in my presence that she is to respect me as his wife. He has chosen not to do this so SD remains banned for our home. That is the consequence but he still has the choice of taking action.

DH chose to stay. There could be all sorts of reasons for this – economical, socially, maybe even love. I do believe though, if DH had been more financially set, he may have assumed he had more power in the relationship and the outcome might have been different.

It is sometimes hard to see the difference between an ultimatum and giving someone a choice. When you give someone an ultimatum and take away freedom of choice it is a no-win situation for one of the parties - a form of slavery or submission. I would much rather live with DH knowing he was free to choose.

There are more than just "ultimatum" and "choice". There is also "taking a stand for what is right and appropriate".

When you give someone a "choice" you are usually giving them at least two alternate paths to go. Depending on the road THEY choose, this gives you the information you need to know what your next move will be. If they choose the skids over you and your marriage - you know that you are not the priority in their life - the skids are. Thus you need to "take a stand" and do what is best for you - for your survival and well being.

We can't force others to do what we want, but we can choose what OUR reaction and actions will be to THEIR choices. Setting healthy boundaries means that you will not take abuse and disrespect, and if the other person/people CHOOSE to do these things -even after you have informed them what you won't put up with - it is a big red flag!

"Boundaries in Marriage" is a good book to help you know what healthy boundaries are.

UNSAFE PEOPLE

1. Think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses.

2. Are defensive instead of open to feedback.

3. Are self-righteous instead of humble.

4. Only apologize instead of changing their behavior.

5. Avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them.

6. Demand trust, instead of earning it.

7. Belive they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.

8. Blame others instead of taking responsibility.

9. Will lie instead of being honest.

10. Are stagnant instead of growing.

11. Avoid closeness instead of connecting.

12. Are only concerned about "I" instead of "we" (not relationship centered)

13. Resist freedom instead of encouraging it.

14. Condemn us instead of forgiving us.

15. Stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as equals.

16. Are unstable over time instead of being consistent.

17. Are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.

18. Gossip instead of keeping our confidences.

SAFE PEOPLE

1. Value love - connection - have the ability to trust.

2. Value responsibility (take responsibility for themselves and value that in others) Neither overly dependent on others nor codependent - feeling responsible for others

3. Value honesty - ability to be known - transparent - who they really are.

4. Working on their own issues

5. Respond to truth

6. Have a good track record (may fail, but learn from failure and move on, are in progress of making a good track record even if this is a new beginning for them)

7. Can be observed and tested - see them in interactions with other people (test them with a small part of yourself, share a part of your heart and see what happens)

8. Bear good fruit in your life by being with them (encourage you to grow individually and in your connection with other people)

Thoughts? Any safe people in your lives? Any unsafe people in your lives?