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"I'm just the girlfriend now"!

Loving's picture

Hello everybody.I am soooo frusterated!I first want to say I am not married.I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half.I have been with him since the beginning of his divorce.His ex wife is a piece of work.Like I read in other blogs,She asked for the divorce.He gives her one.He is a wonderfullll father!!He is also my best friend.I have been with him through everything.I first want to say there was a lot going on last year as far as my insecurites from past relationships and the stress with him.We got through it and are moving ahead.His son who is 16 lives with us.We have his 8 yr old daughter,the middle child who is 14 doesn't come around.She does not like me nor her dad her grandparents etc.etc.The kids mother also loves them very much.But she has never really participated in sports and extracarricular activities.When the kids are with us we do everyting as a family.The son has referred to me as his stepmom.Last year I took the 8 yr old out to play softball.Every since then she wanted to play.The day of sign ups my boyfriend called and asked how much it costs.I told him.There was also a 25.00 fee for the raffle tickets.I said to my boyfriend I'll get rid of those quick!Excited to do it and get her started he said "no her mom will do it"!I said I'll do it.My feelings were really hurt because literally she has no interest in sports and never did.Even with her son from her first marriage.I have been to most of my boyfriends sons games football and basketball.And brought softball to the table.He said my feelings shouldn't be hurt as the conversion escalated into an arguement.I said I wanted to play a part in it since I taught her and thus far me and him have paid for everything when it comes to these things.Later when the topic came up I began crying and explained to him I look at them like their my stepkids.He said we're not married.I said I know but your son calls me his stepmom and the 8 yr old.Not only that they call my mom grandma.My boyfriend calls my sister "sis"His He has a ringtone when my mom calls that gives out a siren that says "IT'S THE MOTHER IN LAW'LOL.So I said ok.Not only that he sees my aunt in the store the other day and says "Hey Aunt Karen"!?????So I let all of them know not to use those titles with him anymore.When I told him I talked to them about it he was furious!I said why are you so mad?He said I shouldn't of said anything to him.I think it was a bit contradicting.All and all I'M very confused and hurt.Why the sudden change???PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME.I WANT YOUR OPINION.ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW I SHOULD HANDLE THIS?


alwaysanxious's picture

What an ass. He's just mad because he looks stupid now. If he wanted to treat you like that, then those are the consequences. You bet your ass I wouldn't do crap for his kids either. He can do it or "mommy" can.

You handled it like you should have. Don't let that man treat you like crap then make you feel bad about it. My SO used to pull this same stuff. Now he wishes I would do something with his kids.

asheeha's picture

I would ask him how he sees you and how he sees you in his future. What does he expect from you in regards to his kids. Frankly, that you care is a gift to him. Don't ever let him get away with saying you don't have a right to be hurt...that's completely disrespectful. You feel how you feel, blaming you for it is a way to manipulate and control you.

stormabruin's picture

If you've been with him since the beginning of his divorce & you've been together a year-&-a-half, that means his divorce hasn't been final for very long...if it's final yet.

It sounds like he didn't take time to mourn the loss of his marriage (not that he regrets the divorce, but anybody getting out of a bad marriage needs time just to get a grasp on life without the other person again). That could very well be why he's hesitant to recognize you as anything more than his girlfriend. Well, that, & you ARE his girlfriend.

Don't keep playing the stepmom role if it isn't going to be appreciated.

Loving's picture

I agree with all of yous!!Thank you sooo much.There is so much more I could get into.I'LL TELL YOU MORE WHEN YOUR READY!But I have to say to Not the Maid.your right.Thats how I've been thinking.The thing is I never once told the kids or him I wasss their stepmom.The first time the son referred to me as his stepmom I was tickled.I love my boyfriend and the kids soooo much.Even the 14 yr old who doesn't come around,when she was I went to every one of her AAU basketball games the mother never there once.Me the son,the little girl and my boyfriend all in the bed together every Saturday morning.Laughing and carrying on!I'm so hurt.I so their laundry,I cook dinner for them at least 3 out of seven days of the week.He calls can you go pick them up,when he is working late."While I'm gone can you help them with their homework.etc.etc.And I love doing it.I never excpected to get so attached.

Loving's picture

Oh and as far as marriage,Never forced it.It has always been mutual.Even around the kids.We told them we were going to elope and the kids were like nooo!And we're all cracking up.He voluntarily said we can't elope!Our parents would be pissed and the kids.Like heeee literally has brought it to the table!

Loving's picture

OH MY GOD!I've never done this before!Another thing him and the ex were seperated for 2 yrs before we met.

oneoffour's picture

Well what do you call him? You refer to him as your 'boyfriend'. And sadly there is no other way to refer to you. You aren't his wife and maybe 'girlfriend' is as good as it gets for now. Significant Other sounds VERY formal, Partner sounds like a legal firm, stepmom ... well you legally are not thier stepmother until he marries you.

Maybe he wants the kids mother to step up or at least give her to opportunity to take part in activities with her children.

I think you did what a lot of us do. We see a situation that needs 'tweaking' and we step in because this is what we do. Cleaning, cooking, running errands. And things fall into a pattern that has different meanings for different parties. You see a future and he probably sees "Good for now..." And who knows how long "for now" lasts.

But if this is not what you want then you might want to rethink getting involved so heavily with men who have children. If you end this because your expectations are different to his then you are torn away from the kids worlds. And involving multiple women in their lives will make forming good adult relationships very difficult for them. Once you are gone he can cut you entirely out of their lives. Somehow I doubt this will happen.

One thing you need to remember... they have a mother. They don't need another mother unless you are doing 100% of the mothering in their lives all the time and not just when they are with their father. I actually like stepping back and being the 'fun stepmother'. I didn't involve myself with Drs visits or running them to school unless I wanted to. And even now I have a 'special' relationship with my s/sons. They can talk to me and I am not going to lecture them for hours. As long as their mother is active in their lives (and this is their decision to make not yours)you will only be Dad's girlfriend until he marries you. Whnever that is.

Loving's picture

I call him my boyfriend.You made a lot of valid points.Obviously through experience from reading your blogs.I just think you might kind of misunderstand.I never referred to or called them my stepkids.They did.And as a girlfriend,if he asks something of me pertaining to the kids.I will deliver.Now I know I have to back off a little for my well being.And not be so invested.Even when he needs me unfortuneately.Again I have played the role without even thinking twice about it.But things are going to change on my end.

alwaysanxious's picture

Very good perspective here! Glad you have given this some thought. We put ourselves in these situations, the great part is we can get ourselves out of them.

Loving's picture

I think you are right.But again I would of never even considered blogging if that was the case.Since day one he has contributed a lot to the relationship.We always been on one accord.We actually talked on the phone everyday for two months before we went on our first date.And we date from April to Oct before we started staying the night with eachother.He moved in Jan of this year.Although I know a lot of people have different views and values especially when it comes to marriage.His parents one.We go to church together with the kids and when we visit his parents we attend church with them as well.Like I said in the beginning theres so much more.And that is the reason why it was so confusing to me.So as far as "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" does not apply.Maybe as far as the kids I think you are absolutely right.With that being said, that is what brought me here and that is why it is so confusing.Even before the custody agreement was settled and the kids started coming over all of the time he has taken care of everything.I of course purchase laundry soap,cleaning supplies,etc.etc.And I pay the cable.But I appreciate your response and have been really thinking.And I do think it might be best for me to move.If it's real,we will get engaged and someday be married.

Loving's picture

And one more thing,I don't ACT like their stepmom.It all came naturally.I genuinely love the kids.Not just because they're my boyfriends children...

Loving's picture

FINALIAED FOR A MONTH!ALWAYS ON HER TERMS.It was one of those hes on the mortgage shes on the deed.She fought to keep the house,he finally threw his hands up.Also during the 2 yrs of seperation he continued to pay the mortgage and 1000.00 a month in child support.Me and his parents convinced him to get a dif lawyer.he filed a motion and now her and the man she she had the affair with live there and they pay it.Now that they're tired of the responsibility shes ready to sign over the quick claim deed and she has to be out by the first of next year.

stormabruin's picture

So you've been together for a year & a half but the divorce has only been final for a month?

What is this epidemic that seems to be in the air??? Women get involved with married men & expect it to be smooth sailing & can't seem to figure out why there are issues in their relationships.

For the future, married men are a no-no. They have a whole separate set of issues they drag behind them in addition to their children. It's called divorce. When they neglect to get closure to their marriage before they move on to you, it WILL create problems. Not just attitude issues with the ex or with the kids, but unresolved emotional issues with the married man himself that you can't fix!

Disneyfan's picture

He may be thinking that he made a mistake by moving so fast.

If the only reason he's divorce is because the ex wanted it, he may not be over her yet.

Loving's picture

Your right he may be thinking that.And I understand.Thats why I'm happy I found this site.I have msde the decision to talk to him today.My mom just so happen to go to Ohio yesterday with her sisters so I volunteerd to babysit her dogs.Which I wouldn't normally do because of course the responsibility of him and the kids.He called yesterday and apologized and asked when I was coming home.He thinks I'm not coming back.All of you are right.I think it might be best for me to get my own place.And if he truly wants to be with me,it will work wheather I live there or not.I'm just scared.

skylarksms's picture

You are correct. If he truly wants to make it work with you, it will whether you live with him or not.

alwaysanxious's picture

Either way, you two lived together too soon. I think its best to live separately for a while.