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Is this weird or Ok?

WTH's picture

Submitted by WTH on Sun, 07/08/2018 - 9:05pm

My husband left a note  on refridgerator for his daughter that says, "Daddy loves you"...my SD is 21 yrs old and has moved in with us  4mos  ago. I find it a lil weird, she is not a little girl and is very manipulative. Almost like her Dad owes her bc of divorce and not living with them. ..so is it a bit much or is it no big deal..

fairyo's picture

She is his little girl, though, and always will be. Tell him you thought the note was for you- but equally note this is a very big red flag. You don't say how long you have been married but I would send her packing, and if she doesn't go- pack your own things. Enmeshed relationships are toxic relationships- unless this is sorted now it will get worse.

WTH's picture

Loll...yeah...I just think that they are grown  people and our responsibility at this point is to help them grow up , take responsibility so they can go out and make it on their own. O want a timeline and if they don't have to contribute, then neither do I. The house can ho to pot...bc I have stopped cleaning it and I've also stopped cooking. Besides, before they came, we barely cooked, we went out to dinner somewhere or just had sandwiches or ceareal or whatever...they are grown and I'm not going to completely change our lifestyle bc they came. I also stopped going out bc he wants to always invite them. They don't contribute to the bill and her drink bill has come out to $110 just for her 7 drinks that he doesn't cap!!!!...so I stopped going if they are going too...don't want to be part of seeing this girl drunk out of her mind on my dime!! 

Saint_Gus's picture

It's both weird and not a big deal, lol. I say it a lot myself and my husband is like jeez, is it necessary to sax i love you before she showers? Lol. Just kinda a reflex....but agree it's odd. I'm guilty though.

sandye21's picture

This statement: "But do not put up that note when you clearly know I'm having issues that he has not expressed" suggests he is not leaving fond notes for you.  Is this true?  Does he show less affection to you since SD moved in?

The note is weird and a bit creepy but the BIG DEAL is that they are grown and living with you.  If they are not attending college they should be living on their own.  Do you own at least 1/2 of the house?  If so, you have the right to tell them to leave.  If not, and if DH will not back you up and tell them to leave, start saving up for an exit plan.

WTH's picture

Yup....we haven't talked in 2 days and I'm not going to bring it up anymore. He will have to want to talk to me first. My plan got saving is already in action. I'm too old for this and will not accept they will be there indefinitely. Oh st first it may seem that way. But just enough time for me to figure out my end plan. If he doesks to me and there is a time limit and adjustments as far as money and responsibilities, then I think we can work out a solution. And no the house is not half mine...that is another thorn in my side that he said he was going to fix and I've waited patiently. We have been married 5 yrs and fr yhe very beginning I asked him if he wanted the house to ho to his kids, bc if so, he would have to secure an account in my name only that he automatically puts a certain amount of $$ should anything ever happen to him, so 8 can feel secure and be able to move on without an additional stress of not having any means to fo do. He swore it was going to be put on my name. I waited 5 yrs and, looked into the matter and initially he got kind of upset. The he looked into it and told me I need to fix my credit before this can take place, and he reminded me how much the cost would be to do so. He didn't rightfully say I had to pay that cost, but it was implied, so now I'm over that too. I told him if Gid forbid something happens to you, my kids will take me in, in a heartbeat and I will oscj up and leave and let your children figure out the rest. I am I'm the position rand mind frame right now that I longer want to be half owner. Material things do not mean a darn thing to me. I'm a fighter and survivor and I am happy with less if that's where life takes me. Unless he pays for the full fee to add me to the deed as right of survivorship, I want nothing to do with the house.  I have put my heart and sole into this house with interior decorator techniques that happen to be my forte, but not what I do for a living and I also will not contribute anymore to any major upgrades to the house. I will continue to help him with ideas and picking materials and decor things, but I will not contribute to any major uogrades... for ex, master bthrm update, pool and jacuzzi...not my house, not my responsibility. I know this may sound harsh, but I've come to a point in my life, that I will not compromise so that someone else feels better. In small things yes, I compromise all the time, but in something that may potentially have a monetary return that I will not reap from, then No.

 

pinkb's picture

Adding you to the title of the home is no big deal.  We're talking $150-200 max. It doesn't require a refinance or even to put you on the loan (if it's not already paid for). Personally, I'd be more worried about the excuses and your husband not keeping his word to you... but that's just me.

WTH's picture

I am entering my responses and the window to write in is so small and I'm typing so fast and it shows...lolll...I just saw there is a review button before I send, so I'll try to use that option....I just re read my post and was like, WHAT????...lolll...but thank you to those that have responded...I will be considering all your responses.

marblefawn's picture

Holy cow!

Are you saying he just moved the whole tribe in there and you never discussed when they would go, how much they would contribute, chores, responsibilities, etc???

Yea, I can't imagine how this went wrong!

WTH's picture

Well....unfortunately that's what has happened...now the newest thing is he is charging his 21 yr old daughter $450 biweekly, told her he's saving 400 of that for her, so she has a best egg when she moves out and charging his 33 yr old Son nothing!!!...I was like WHAT,???...that is not what I wanted and now the kids are scrambling to look for a place to stay bc I am the bad guy...they feel awkward around me and walking on eggshells???.

Wait a darn minute....i am doing what they have done since they got here...they go in their rooms for hours on end, even when it's just me in the house and only come out to eat then ho right back....well now I've done the same thing and they feel uncomfortable????.....

So I said, really if they leave under these conditions, then I'm leaving too....he took that as a threat and is telling me I'm doing what you eant... getting them out sooner....however,  that is not what I wanted...I have 3 adult  kids if my own and this is not what I wanted....my suggestion was charge them according to their salary...his daughter maybe 200 a month, she needs to learn and budget her own money for the things she wants, then I had suggested bc we don't really need that money, we'll hold it and not use it at all and when she leaves, if we are still in a position that we don't need the money, we gift it to her when she leaves...but do not tell her that, bc rightfully we don't owe her that money...for his Son, I said, he doesn't have a job right now and us looking, but he still collects approx $2000 a month from the army, so maybe he could pay the same and for both we discuss what responsibilty they have in the house other than their room and bathroom...for example...there's 4 of us in the house, we rotate weekly on who will sweep, vacuum, dust and mop the house...bc that would help me greatly...I have rheumatoid arthritis that while the meds I know take, alleviate the symptoms, it still renders me unable to do certain things....like mop...I do it, but it takes me forever, for the many breaks I need to take...the house is approx 2000 sf... I know, not that big, lolll, but big enough and it does cost me physically....so now we are at a very big crossroad and venturing on a slippery slope that is very dangerous for my marriage....ughhhh

marblefawn's picture

I see. Yea, my husband never quite gets it right when we discuss how things should be handled with SD and then he attempts to implement them. (You know the old saying, if you want it done right, do it yourself!) It always comes out a little skewed and sometimes it sends mixed messages to SD, which is bad. Your husband did the same!

But maybe it's not too late to fix it. Just change the rent for both of them: $200 a month plus whatever chores you and husband agreed they should do. Decide with husband what penalty there will be if no one does the chores and make sure he tells them firmly he expects the chores to be well done on schedule. Good move not telling them the money may come back to them later.

You should also talk with husband about how to launch them because the current attitude is uncomfortable and unfair to you. I suggest that he tell them "this is the rent, this is the arrangement and we'll revisit your plans for launching in October" or whenever you agree you need to revisit it. But he must let them know that there will be another look at their plans at a specific time in the future so they don't get too comfortable. It's the message: you're welcome here now, but not forever.

That would also be a good time to address the attitudes. I'd literally give your husband a script: "So, kids, that's the financial arrangement and the chore schedule. But there's something else that needs to be addressed. We all live here together and everyone needs to be polite and civil. That means greeting someone appropriately in the morning, giving the courtesy of offering to make a meal for all of us, doing the dishes...these are all things you'll have to do when you have your own place, so you can start by doing them here. You don't have to be a slave, but you must chip in and help and I expect you to be present in the household, not holed up in your rooms all day. I expect courtesy to everyone in the household. And we'll revisit this if I don't see improvement."

He doesn't even have to mention your name. But he needs to set an expectation that things will change. It's never going to be rosy, but he just needs to draw a line in the sand that he's aware of how things are going and it's unacceptable.

Yes, this is all dangerous for your marriage. Protect your marriage. Try your best to make your husband see you and him as a team helping his kids learn social skills, living skills, budgeting skills, household skills, and responsibility because you want the best for them and their future. It doesn't matter if it's not true, but it's something he can't possibly argue with. Maybe that approach will make him more comfortable with you setting your own expectations of their behavior and plans to move on.

You also need to revisit these issues with your husband if things don't improve. They all need to gently be put on notice that the current dynamic will change or there will be more uncomfortable discussions no one wants to have. Good luck!

Trying to be WIse's picture

Would you leave a note to your grown son saying: Mommy loves you?

Trying to be WIse's picture

It's creepy. It feels creepy to me. Support and love are always right, but little notes are what lovers do.

StepUltimate's picture

I could see leaving a "Daddy loves you" note for kids that are like12 and younger, and I'm someone who loves to leave notes ("Leftovers in fridge. Please take the garbage out. Have a great day. Love you!"). But a 21 year old daughter/mini-wife wanna-be... I would be totally over it too.