Tis the season for step drama
Hi all, tis the season that is supposed to be full of comfort and joy but as many of you experience, it's not so simple in blended families. SD21&23 are back in town for the holidays. I dread it. They are currently at BM's house. Thank the heavens. Holidays typically involve at least 1 episode of SD's throwing a giant temper tantrum somewhere on the yard. DH handles it. The reasons for the tantrums are as arbitrary and numerous as the stars in the sky. Last year I believe it involved Covid and masks but if it weren't that it would be something else. Anyway, that's not really what I came on here to talk about. I'd like to know how do you all handle it when SK's invite DH to go out and exclude you? When they were teens DH would often insist they be inclusive but now that they are adults I feel it is up to them to decide how they want to be. I have also come to the unfortunate realization that we are so different that we may never have anything in common. They are so irritating that I don't actually want to spend time with them. As is often the case in strained SD relationships we have a nasty BM that they feel the need to represent and keep BM forever present in DH's memory. Anyway, how do you handle your DH being on deck to entertain adult SK's? Sadly it's no longer about wanting an inclusive, happy family which is what I hoped we would one day come to. It's more that I just don't enjoy the unexpected interupptions to our holiday plans.
I'd tell DH he's free to go
I'd tell DH he's free to go with them and leave me out, provided it doesn't interfere with any plans we have, and he doesn't allow them to disrespect me.
This makes tons of sense. I
This makes tons of sense. I am just curious if anyone has any extra tips on how they handle it? I already opt out. Even when DH asks me to go I just can't stand to be around them any more. To be brutally honest I am happier when they are not around. They cause DH so much stress.
What do you mean by how they
What do you mean by how they handle it? I don't really have this situation because my SS21 doesn't exclude me and we rarely see him anyway. But I know many people on here have husbands who see the stepkids on their own and they don't engage at all with them. Is it still hard for you to feel excluded? Does DH give you a hard time about not going?
I mean other than opting out
I mean other than opting out what other creative strategies do SM's have to deal with SK's that exclude SM's from invites and expect DH to be at their own beck and call to entertain them around the holidays? At this point I am ambivalent about being excluded. My DH is generally fine with me making my own decisions about joining or opting out. I think you are right and it is just as simple as I opt out.
He should make it clear he is
He should make it clear he is not at their beck and call.
same boat
Im now in the place where my Dh is going to have a relationship im not in. its weird. not really sure how to handle it.
have actually considered divorcing him to release me from this.
I feel the same
My SO has a relationship with SD22 that I know very little about. We had agreed he would tell me about all interactions (because she's a negative force in his life) but he doesn't. Their contact is sparse (usually for money) and a little dramatic (SD opens with "I hesitate to send this email due to the stress and trauma of my childhood... but here's the tuition bill that needs to be paid"). He responds warmly, pays the bill, end of story for another month or so. I couldn't stand that kind of relationship with my own kid, but he continues this dynamic of theirs and I feel like he is having this secret, on-the-side relationship. I only know of the email by dragging the info out of him.
Like pulling teeth.
My wife is like that with some things. It is obvious that something is bothering her, it is a cat and mouse game of her not talking about it until I finally have to take the direct approach "the pulling teeth" part, until she shares. The pulling teeth is figurative of course.
Usually it is something that I am supportive of but that she does not want to share because it has to do with her family. They break her heart occasionally and their crap embarrasses her.
Your DH is probably embarrassed by his actions.
This is where I land
I don't like SD24 Bratty McBratFace and dislike spending time with her. So if she invites him and excludes me I'd be fine with that. Unfortunately she seems to keep including me. I take each situation on a case by case basis - sometimes it makes sense to go and other times it's not necessary at all.
Nope, I wouldn't start that.
Nope, I wouldn't start that. That is exactly what they want and if you set the precedent that you're not a part of the family now, you forever won't be.
I can count on one hand the
I met DH almost 25 years ago. I can count on one hand the number of times the skids (both adults when I met DH) have ever invited DH to go anywhere. It's rare here. He always assumes they mean both of us and replies with "we". They have never pushed back (other than not inviting him) because they know he would not go without me.
I do wish they'd spend some alone time with him. But, it's not going to happen.
I guess in some ways I'm
I guess in some ways I'm venting more than anything. Before SD's were adults when they asked to go out DH responded with "we" which would inevitably lead to a giant tantrum about how " I just want to be with my Dad." (Even though the vast majority of their time was already alone time with "just dad.") Every time we did something together they act like rude las diablas. DH cracked down on them enough times that a couple of years ago they told him they were "trying." (To me "trying" sounds more like something you do when on your dentist's waiting list for a bad tooth to be pulled than seeking a geniune connection.) By the time they finally started to "try" I was already just tired of the crazy and realized that even when they are "trying" they are still annoying AF.
I'd be grateful for that
I'd be grateful for that because the moment they do it without you, you'll be on here crying that you've been left out. Your husband sounds very loving towards you to make it that you're a part of the family. My 2 cents of course.
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Separate and Loving It
I know all about being shunned and not included. DHs oldest daughter told me, "WE (kids) are going out to eat with dad and you can meet them at the movie theater afterwards." Oldest son told me "we come here to see our dad, not you." Oldest daughter would always cry, "I want to spend alone time with my dad." That's just a few. I hated being left out...it seemed so damn mean. I love being inclusive of all but I learned to disappear a bit when they visited. But after 12 years, enough crap happened that sent me "over the cliff." I haven't seen DHs kids in 4 years.
I've skipped out on birthday parties, the Youth Challenge graduation (or should I say ceremony as his youngest daughter didn't even finish her GED there) and most recent, a wedding. When the BM died last year, I refused to let my boundary down of "DH seeing his kids away from our marital home (set in counseling). They were here for a week; he met them at the funeral and spent one day with them at his exSIL's house. Now they can get all the "alone time with daddy" they want. It's backfired on them, though. They missed out on a full week with dad because they aren't allowed in our home. And his oldest daughter wanted to fly in for Father's Day to "hang out." DH told her no, I'll see you in the fall.
Two options for you: always make plans so he can see his kids without involving you OR, outright tell him you are done. They're trying is simply fake and trying to appease you (DH) and I'm not playing the game.
Thank-you for this. It sounds
Thank-you for this. It sounds like you have been in my shoes. Yes, I have experienced very similar insults to "We come here to see dad, not you." BS. I do see a strong possiblity of a future of opting out of weddings, graduations and hope to God they never have granddiablas. If they really were trying then they owe me an apology and they would tell ME they want to work on it, not just DH. Now they use their lame "trying" claim to badmouth me to DH that I didn't become Mary Poppins exuberant after their fake announcement to him. The games continue ... Their manipulations are transparent and stupid. They didn't fall far from HC BM's tree. They all constantly fight with BM and each other and deserve each other.
Suggestion
I'd take my stand on disengaging and being separate as much as possible. AND I'd tell my DH...do not bring back gossip from your kids. Those conversations need to stay between them. My DH has tried that a couple of times since I removed myself from his kids. At first, I played into it....him being the go between. Now, he has his life/conversations with them, and he has his life/conversations with me. It is rare for those two worlds to cross over, even in conversation. Weird? Yes, but I don't care.
As for grand babies...that's what sent me over the edge. The first grand was announced at my husband's retirement party...with 35 guests, all my friends and family brought to the marriage, DH's 4 kids and his boss and wife. A party that I organized and planned, clearly telling DHs kids "no cameras" as I've hired a professional. The oldest and biggest ass of the bunch, along with his brother (the soon to be dad), planned the entire announcement, down to when he'd "talk" (to toast his dad) and how oldest would video it all. And the only person in the room mentioned was DH. I sat there like the proverbial pink elephant. All the while, boss' wife sat there, jaw dropped looking at me and my kids with red faces.
That was the last shunning they got on me. Now, I shun them. I know nothing about them, rare doing and have them completely blocked on social media. My life is so much better away from those utra religious bigots.
CajunMom that is so
CajunMom that is so completely and throughly sh*tty. I am sure my SK's would play clueless telling DH that it didn't even occur to them to mention me during their announcement and was just an itsy bitsy oversight. <gag> Then I would be livid and re-disown them. The end.
DH and SD had a life before
DH and SD had a life before me. I have no problem if they go out together without me. I confess she grates on my nerves.
DH has no problem if I see my kids without him--although he loves them.
I think part of why each of us is fine with the other seeing our kids alone is that we have no fear of the kids trying to drive a wedge between us--or more importantly of either of us allowing it. And part of this is that I'm sure of myself, him, and my kids, and he is sure of himself, me, and his daughter.
His daughter has some issues (as I've discussed here) but she is not going to try to break us up and as long as I'm not trying to turn him against his daughter either--no problem. Ditto for my kids.
All the time my SDs were
All the time my SDs were growing up, I was disengaged, and they would go out with DH without me - occasionally even on holidays without me. They are now aged 26 and 25, and I told DH a couple of years ago, that I don't want to be excluded any longer from stuff. If he goes, I go too. Despite this, SD25 invited DH to go to an exhibition in London a few months ago, that I had no interest in - needless to say, he went of course. They say jump, and he says "how high?" Then SD25 told DH that for her birthday in November, she wanted to go to the opera. So DH booked tickets for January - again, without me, going to the opera is the last thing I am interested in. I get that they still want to do things with their Dad, and sometimes I won't want to do the things they choose - but I still feel some resentment as I have specifically asked not to be excluded any longer. Admittedly it only happens occasionally.
Yep, once you let them party
Yep, once you let them party on without you, you're never let back in the club. It's a failing strategy imo to disengage to the point of never or rarely going to the "parties". Because, really, they're partying because you're not there. DH partying too!
I would opt out but also have
I would opt out but also have strict boundaries/ like they can't use your home to meet dh, dh needs to honor your plans first and not drop them just because skids want to do something. Certain days/holidays are off limits for them to try to see dh.
DH already opts out of a lot
DH already opts out of a lot of SD's plans (schemes) on his own. He rarely does what they want unless HE wants to do it which is just fine by me. I'm not worried they will drive a wedge between DH and I, I am just annoyed by the way they act, talk, think and their lack of consideration for our plans or how I feel. It took a while for DH to get there, it was actually a whole process, but eventaully he decided he can also only take small doses of their drama at a time. He learned to say "no." He is pretty good about checking in with me first before finalizing plans. I'm in the live and let live camp. I trust DH's judgement and he usually figures stuff out for himself. A few years back he would have jumped through more hoops than he will now. A lot of times he actively avoids them. It's kind of amusing to watch. If they were smart they would be kind because then we would both want to spend more time with them. He knows they are las diablas but they are still his kids.
I can't remember how long you
I can't remember how long you've been with DH but the reality is that you can't make them like you or treat you with respect. Many of these men are afraid that if they set limits on their kids, they will never speak to them again, so they don't insist on their kids respecting their new partner. Do you worry they will manipulate him and drive a wedge between you? Do you want to go because you feel you should be included?
I no longer even want to go.
I no longer even want to go. I just think it is rude and petty that they never include me. I am not worried about them driving a wedge. We're solid. We have been under the same roof since 2014.
DH just got a text from YSD,
DH just got a text from YSD, "Wanna hang out?" And so it begins ... Lol, sounds more like what a player making a boody call would text a girl he has on his line ...
When I would be excluded my
When I would be excluded my DH would tell SD that "I asked (me) to come too but she didn't want to", pmsl.
I said to him to make sure he said "she didn't want to" not that "she has plans". Words are important. The demon spawn needed a clear message.
How can you be sure your
How can you be sure your husband played that card? Just because you asked him to do it doesn't mean he did. Men typically don't see the need for to take a stand as they see it all as unnecessary drama.
He told her he is staying
He told her he is staying home to watch the game and she can come over here If she wants to spend time with us. I went out to do some errands, betcha dollars to donuts she doesn't come over.
An invitation to one in a couple is an invitation to both.
So, go.
Do not, I repeat, do not, let these ill behaved failed family breeding refuse piles alienate you and your DH, and do not tolerate them being the rude POS wastes of sperm/ovum that they are without rubbing their noses in the stench that they emanate. That they are adults makes their choices even worse. So.. make the consequences that much more severe. If they failed to listen and learn as children, they should have to feel as adults. Make the feeling they experience pain, public humiliation, and an escalating state of abject misery. Which is what they have earned and deserve.
I struggle to see why good people treat these types as anything other than something to be scrapped off of the bottom of a shoe. They need to know that they are what they are. And you and their father need to make it perfectly clear in real time, publicly, and humiliatingly ever single time they perpetrate or attempt to perpetrate their crap.
Merry Christmas shit stains!
That is the message.
Enjoy delivering it!
Last night DH got a text from
Last night DH got a text from Las Diablas inviting him out to a restaurant for YSD birthday dinner. He declined. I let him know in no uncertain terms that this proves their "trying" is a lie. It was eye opening for him.
Well, the official 1st giant
Well, the official 1st giant tantrum on the lawn of the season occured today. I was out when it occured, thankfully, but walked into SD making a melodramatic show of how wronged she feels. Wah. I guess it hurts to be "A princess" instead of "THE princess" because this young lady has nothing but things to be grateful for. Apparently DH told her don't bother inviting him to dinner unless she asks "us" not just him. She exploded into hysterics ... and I am not exaggerating. I guess our entire neighborhood knows that SD22 throws fits and tantrums. I told DH that next time he should tell her she can pull it together or leave. We're not spending every moment together in theatrics. Especially since the next time we see her will be xmas day, not the time or the place for drama dear ... maybe next year.
Wow, mine are too prideful to
Wow, mine are too prideful to throw an obvious tantrum. They instead covertly conspire and lay in wait. I think I'd prefer they make all out obvious asses of themselves so my husband could see them for who they are.
I am always shocked that they
I am always shocked that they have no pride. I would be so ashamed to act the way they do. They get it from BM. She has no problem acting as a woman scorned and making a huge scene. It's gotten to the point that even her friends told her she should really cut it out because she's making a fool of herself and bringing disgrace upon her own family and kids. She acts pretentious and looks down her nose on others but she has no class or basic etiquette. BM has no idea who she is so her only barometer of what is right or wrong comes from what other people think of her. Once she realized people were judging her and thought she's acting like an idiot, her outbursts lessened in frequency. She had to eat humble pie. SD's outbursts do come in handy as far as making it obvious that the SD's have emotional dysregulation problems but I think DH got so used to insanity that he has become somewhat desensitised to how f'd it is.
YouTube!
Pretty much the bastion for people with no pride or self respect. They play the tantrum card, they can be all over YouTube.
No offense intended towards anyone actually named Karen, however, if the current label fits, slather their crap all over youtube. Under the Karen label.
Begrudging the Christmas wrapping
Anyone else wrapping gifts for adult ingrates and resenting it? Every year.
Save a tree
leave the gifts unwrapped ;)
How I wish I could get away
How I wish I could get away with that! And then to buy additional gift cards to throw at the ingrates/spoiled brats...
I wish DH would allow that.
I wish DH would allow that. Hell I have to wrap the stock stuffer too! *shok* *scratch_one-s_head*
Nope, I never took over gift
Nope, I never took over gift buying for SK's or wrapping and don't plan to start, ever. No resentment but I do enjoy watching them scrunch up their noses at what DH buys. I buy and wrap my BK's gifts. They get better presents and beautiful wrapping. SK's don't need to know the difference. By the time SD's come over my BK's have already opened and put away their gifts.
Should my husband be wrapping
Should my husband be wrapping their presents?? Ha, he'd probably enjoy it.
I love it when DH goes out
I love it when DH goes out with SD without me. It means I don't have to spend time with that spoiled, disrespectful, rude, boring girl. She's such hard work.
Frankly, I'd rather go to the dentist.
Of course, he doesn't allow
Of course, he doesn't allow me to be excluded, he's always sure to tell her that he asked me to go too, but that I didn't want to haha.
SD22 Feral Forger
From the beginning when she ghosted us. Ive encouraged him to go out somewhere to spend time with her. The one time I invited her over for Chritmas dinner she ruined it. So no more invites for her. Unless she gets her head out of her butt.
Last time Killjoy-then14
Last time Killjoy-then14 threw a overt tantrum, she threw a screaming hissy fit at the dinner table because she didn't like what was served. DH whipped out his phone and recorded it, and played it back for all of our viewing amusement. After that she switched to passive aggressive tantrums.