Still Feeling Anger Hurt And Resentment!
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I read in a post about feeling ,hurt,anger ,and resentment.I still do even after disengaging from my SK"S.Do they feel the same? Why no .They are sitting on their throne's saying we have done our job! I still have resentment toward my DH also and can get mad at him in the blink of an eye.He wants to sweep a lot of things under the rug about his kids and stupid DIL"S.Just let it go .Its better not to say anything.I dont see it that way.When somebody is intentionally trying to hurt you its time to do something.Im on antidepressants and it helps but its stays on my mind alot of how my SK walked all over me and got by with it (again).Will these feelings ever go away?I hope I am normal.
It is totally normal. No one
It is totally normal. No one deserves to be treated with less than respect just because they are a step parent. I am finding that the more I disengaged, the less the Twit in my life hurts me, bothers me, and her actions towards me, while still mean, become almost humerous as I know what she is up to and don't buy in to it. BUT, it takes along time and there are going to be backsteps or times that they still get to us.
Right now, I could care what Twit does, but I am concerned about DH. She is tearing him apart as he is starting to realize what she is and trying to deal with it. I once told him that he can love his daughter, but he doesn't have to like what she does or approve of it. Somehow he has yet to figure that out and, sadly, in his delima I am the one that gets the brunt.....until I started putting my foot down about that as well. I'm in the early stages on that, but I believe that once I am on better footing in dealing with his back and forth concerning Twit, he will only have one way to direct his feelings for what goes on by her.....and that is at her where it belongs.
Rest assured, it is normal.
Rest assured, it is normal. The first few months after disengagement were filled with anger and resentment for me. This was directed at my DH too. After all, I wouldn't have been in the situation if he had my back more. It's been a year now for me and I rarely have those overwhelming feelings anymore. Knowing I will not be going back into a pit of snakes does a lot for your psyche but it takes time. For me, now that it's been a year I don't find myself filled with anger and resentment anymore. I am also moving which will help immensely.
Another thing that helped is to pray (if you believe in this of course) despite my anger, bitterness and resentment. I tried to use my anger as a reminder to pray for healing and I prayed for my enemies (weren't they just that). I didn't do it consistently but when I did it usually would stop the barrage of thoughts sometimes by just praying for them. Not excusing what they've done. I've even prayed for their conviction and repentance.
Another thing that really helped was to tackle my thoughts. I did let myself process through what I went through via steptalk and friends but I needed to move past what had happened. When I found myself getting caught up in a negative pattern of thought I would remind myself that I didn't want to give DHs family anymore of my life than they already taken. My family and myself need to be taken care of and that's hard to do when my mind is taken up by DHs family
I think part of the problem is that prior to disengagement we were waiting for the next thing and stressing out about what happened last. After disengagement is when you process all that happened and try to understand it and heal from it. It's normal to feel the feelings as you do so. They really do fade with time though.
I think the healing is likely proportionate to how long you suffered. Someone who suffered for 20 years is going to have a longer recovery I would guess than someone like myself (less than 10 yrs.).
Also, exercise helps a lot.
I still have those thoughts sometimes but it's much less than what it was.
I just realized I wrote a
I just realized I wrote a post similar to yours a few months ago (dealing with anger). When the dust settled after disengagement I was just really angry at all I had gone through it. It was all so unnecessary. Now many of the people have lost relationships w/my DH because he does not initiate contact and neither do much.
As far as DH goes. As long as you are not continuing to get mistreated by his family, healing can start to come in that relationship. I lost respect for my DH, no doubt about that. With time it is coming back, esp as he has done a few things to stick up for me (not enough by any means). Our marriage is getting better though it's a huge adjustment as since the beginning of our marriage I resonated with Lady Diane's commentary "there were always 3 people in our marriage" (re: Camilla). For me the 3rd party was MIL who used step relations to retaliate against her fear of displacement.
Now that it's just us, I feel we can work on moving past this and into the rest of our lives.
Thank's everyone for all your
Thank's everyone for all your help.It means a lot to me. Im looking forward to the day when they never cross my mind.
So true catmom!! My ex's
So true catmom!! My ex's family dropped me immediately when I hurt their boy, lol. Luckily they still have a good relationship with my kids but you are right, here today, gone tomorrow. I just feel sad for SM's who put lots of love and energy into their Step GK's, and then when DH dies, the SK's ditch them. I have heard about it so much and think how selfish of SK's and sad for the younger kids...
They did their job? Excuse
They did their job? Excuse me? Wasn't their job to irritate the hell out of you until you left and they had Daddy all to them selves? From your perspective they may have won a battle but the war is lost. When they see you two purchasing two burial plots they'll realize it. You have had that conversation haven't you? Along with the Living Trusts dividing mutual assets among your heirs?
OC - Right on. Last year I
OC - Right on. Last year I had Twit in my living room bawling to DH because she was scared that when he died she would get nothing! DH did tell her, as we agreed, that anything would come from me when I passed except for some of his personal possessions....you know, watch, momentoes, etc.
Boy, that set Twit off even more as she screamed and bawled that she just was scared that my daughter would get everything and she would get nothing. Well, ST friends, DH doesn't have a lot to leave financially. THAT is what upsets Twit. She was looking for assurances that she would get $$. She got pretty nasty to me about it as well. That was the time (and this was a year ago last August) that I really saw what she was about and knew something had to be done in dealing with this vicious, greedy witch.
Boy, I can't imagine my DD ever doing something like that, and if she did, you can bet I would set her straight real quick. Don't worry, finances are tied up so Twit can go to h*ll and skate a few times before she can reach into my pockets. She ruined it for herself.
OC... wouldn't a will cover
OC... wouldn't a will cover this?
If I outlive DH (he's 11
If I outlive DH (he's 11 years older), the only asset dividing will be between our two bio children. SD41 will be so gone from my life. I'm not sure I would even inform her since she only contacts him on the few gift giving occasions a year or unless she wants something else from him.
It does get better as time
It does get better as time goes by. I have not set eyes on or even heard from SD in over two years now. The initial extreme anger has subsided a lot. But one thing I have realized is that I am still married to her father who allowed me to be crapped on for over 20 years. So now when he plays any of his passive-aggressive games, and he still does at times, I feel the same intense anger and betrayal I felt two years ago. But now I let him have it. You would think by now her would learn.