You are here

Are you a stepmother with no biological children of your own?

islandofone's picture

I have a 15 year old step-daughter that is one week at our house, one week at her bm's house. Her full sister is 12 years old and is a complete brainwashed mama's girl, she is at our house one night a week and every other weekend. These 2 girls' mother is my husband's ex-wife. I also have a 9 year old stepdaughter that my husband and I were awarded full custody of 3 years ago because her mother is a real piece of work baby maker.

I would never have imagined that a woman's scorn could last for 11 years and counting. One of them is 300 pounds and mad at the world, the other basically prostitutes herself in order to live off of child support.

The legal bills we have paid are astronomical, the negativity is overwhelming and I'm feeling like 39 going on 70. Is anyone else out there in my boat? I'll never be the "mom", but I'm good enough to cook, clean, vacuum, pick up, wipe noses, kiss butts, I'm so full of resentment....I'm at the end of my rope.

frustratedinMA's picture

I do not have children of my own.. Yet do more for my skids than their mom does. I desperately want to have children of my own.. but my DH and I seem to be having some problems getting and staying pregnant.

I often feel resentment...esp when I do things for these kids, but it never seems to be enough.. yet the BM never has things demanded from her. On top of that.. the BM pretends like I dont exist. Including leaving me off of a permission letter to take the kids on vaca. Should something happen, I was not able to seek medical attention for them... NICE.

Did I mention.. we recorded all the xmas specials on tv.. because the BM doesnt let them watch them.. Actually told her children at age 4 that Santa doesnt exist. (who does that??!??!?!?!) Yet she yells loud and clear that she wants them for xmas every year!

Resentment has become my middle name.. so no.. you are NOT alone.

Oh.. I do have 3 kitty cats that I refer to as my children.. drives my DH NUTS!!

fedupinarkansas's picture

girl i swear we live the same life.

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these

frustratedinMA's picture


I think we do!!! lol.. too bad we dont live closer to escape some weekends together!!

kamini's picture

I dont have any biokids but i do have a SD12. I think the thing to do here is to make sure your husband knows that the only think a woman can do that a man cannot do is to GET PREGNANT. That being said, let him know your profession is not CHILD CARE.....which means he needs to supervise the kids when they are over.......clean up or whatever else it entails. Since your SD is over for a whole week i think that is unfair to you but hey this is often something we cannot discuss wiht our Dh cos they are ultra sensitive about their kids. Let him pick up after them even if it means you will have a smelly dirty house for a week. at 15 in this day kids think they are smart as 30 year olds so have the SD do some chores.
And go to a movie in the evening or when they are over on the weekend......get some MY time in there.
I shudder to think that you dont seem to have a life with your hubby.

SM2005's picture

I have my daughters who are 18 and 15. It's kind of a joke yet serious. I don't like kids but have tolerated my own. My kids know this and that's what I mean it's kind of serious yet a joke. Wouldn't trade them for the world, most days anyway. But same situation, I have a SD12 and SS11. They live 7 hours away, thankfully. But we have custody of SD7, whose mother is still a guest of the state of OK due to drug trafficking meth. She's been with us almost 2 years now. Attorney's fees and travel ended up costing around 12K in a two week period. In the beginning with her it was really rough. I have teens and already raised mine. I never planned on doing all of this again. My husband never considered everything that raising a child entails. Meals, baths, bedtime, homework, school functions, after school care, none of it. Not to mention I got a 5 year old that didn't even know how to blow her nose or brush her teeth. Yes every tooth in her head is rotten. We have two stainless steel crowns already and her permanent teeth aren't coming in any better than her baby teeth went out! Yet, I wasn't supposed to say anything as far as discipline went. That has gone out the window a long time ago though. With his older two I am just choosing not to even be at my house when they come. All I did was cook and clean up after them after working 50 hours a week at my own career and then go home and take care of his kids--I don't think so!

LVmyBOXERS's picture

But we are planning on starting to try at the beginning of the year. I do not do ANYTHING for my skids. Sd15 and SS11. I do cook, but I cook every night of the week so I do not consider this "doing stuff" for them. I do not clean their rooms, bathrooms, wash their clothes, nothing. I have no reason too, nor do I want too. Why you ask. Because they are disrespectful, spoiled, unappreciative brats that do not deserve my time. Now granted, things were not always like this, but as they got older and more brainwashed by BM, this is what I have to do to keep my sanity. My DH cleans the kitchen when they are there. They are required to clean their bedrooms and bathrooms before they leave (sometimes that does not happen.) But, I am not the one who tells them to do it. DH tells them and then when they leave and I go in their rooms and something is not where is belongs, it goes in the trash. Period. This may be ridiculous to some, but this is my only option as far as I am concerned. Just stop doing it and eventually someone else will have to step up to do it. That is what I did. Once DH figured out what I was doing, he started stepping up and not expecting me to take care of them. Because after all, they are not MY kids...

SM2005's picture

That's pretty much what I have done with his two oldest. I no longer cook or clean the kitchen when they are here. I don't do laundry. Anything I would cook would not get eaten. They would leave their dirty dishes on the table. Not bring the laundry in to be washed and then say I didn't ask for their stuff. Now, when they are at our house, their dad cooks. Unfortunatly, he only makes spagehetti, hamburgers, frozen pizza or fast food! The last time they were here they said something about the meals and he did at least tell them they didn't like anything that was cooked before so now they are stuck eating his meals.

Mary Louise's picture

I used to want a housefull of kids primarily because o fmy religious upbringing.By my late 20's and divorce I decided that I love children but didn't want the total responsibility. I guess I was a late bloomer and wanted to focus on my interests and goals. MY fiance would love to have kids with me and I think if he didn't already have kids I would be completely for having kids with him. We have talked about having a baby together after he has his vasectomy reversed (whenever that might be) but i don't see it happening. He had the v done almost 7 years ago and we have no financial plans for the reversal. I have beenv ery clear that i do not want to be pregnant at 35 or older so that gives us about 2 years to get married, get the reversal, get pregnant and have a baby.

Now that we are actually engaged and I actually live the life of a mother, I see how much it would change things. Things now are so up in the air from one week to the next, that I am not sure I could handle the stress of an infant and having a kid here full-time. I have struggled with how much to do for the skids. My fiance and I have worked out an arrangment that I am able to stay home and take on the lion's share of the household tasks. It is beneficial for us and it works. HOWEVER i have made it exceptionally clear to him and the kids that I am not their maid, I expect the kids to pull their share of household chores -they live in the house too, I do not make more than one dinner at night. I will help out if asked nicely, but I will not do things for 6 and 8 year olds that they can and should do for themselves. From time to time I get overwhelmed and my fiance is a gem to help with household chores that lag when I am helping out at the school or focusing on other things that help out our family.

I think adding a child of our own would only highlight the lack of feeling I have for the kids. One mistake we made early on was that he wanted to refer to the kids as ours. He wanted me to accept the kids as ours and have a true family. We finally had a blowout about "our" kids in which he reminded me in a not very nice way that I had no idea what it was like to have a biological bond with a child of my own. I told him then and there that if he wanted my input he had to take it from my point of view as someone who does't have kids. I told him that what he considered picking on his kids and attacking his parenting was someone without kids giving him a very valuable outsider point of view about what the behavior looked like. I was able to explain to my dear fiance that he had an extremely great opportunity to have someone who loved him, had good and fond feelings toward his children, someone who loves children in general that would give him totally honest feedback about how the kids lived their life in our house. I reminded him that WE didn't have any children together and it was unfair to expect me to call them mine, but not let me treat them as I think i would treat kids that truly were mine. We don't refer to the kids as ours anymore, and that's ok with us both. We realized we were both being unrealistic. He still thinks I am too strict, but with all the influences of their mom and the outside world, I don't think that instilling responsibility, respect and a good work ethic is anything to complain about. It isn't often that we argue about discipline, but I have to remind him that much of why he wants to let them off the hook, or not call them out on things is out of guilt. I have also reminded him that if he doesn't handle certain things I will and that he won't like the way I do it. (I have never been deliberately mean or cruel to the kids, rarely even raise my voice above normal speaking tone and never spank)

I feel very lucky that I have such good support from my fiance regarding the kids. The few times he hasn't backed me up have been hell for me and he sees how it affects me. I definitely would not have stayed through all the bullshit I have already been through if he didn't support me.

Name Irrelevant's picture

YOU feel very lucky that he gives you support for dealing with HIS kids? Of course, he should. He's the lucky one. Being a martyr is not always a virtue. Why do we let ourselves take on these projects? Maybe my DH is right.. he said once (and I filed it) "women are all desperate."

kindrab73's picture

I would have thought you were telling my story, except I was the one who had surgery, for medical reason, am unable to have children.

I hear what you are saying about teaching the children respect, morals and values. I too am often thought of as too strict, however, I never impose anything on my ss5/ss10 that I wouldn't have been asked of by my mother and father. The Skids get away with anything an everything at their mothers house, so they have had to learn structure, boundaries and responsibilities at our house. They are much better behaved children now that they understand what is expected of them at our house. I'm also the one who 'enforces' the rules and is reminding my fiance of what he said the consequences would be. He too is soft on them, as he doesn't want to look like the 'bad' parent. I remind him he is NOT their friend, but their parent.

BabygotBack1988's picture

i find this really frustrating when they come over they take over every tv in the house evry pc. are allowed to stay up until 2 am not quietly i might add i know its not the childrens fault any child would stay up messing around if the where allowed to, the thing is they have only been comeing over to stay at mine for about 6 months now and i dont feel its my place to be telling them this i have tried talking to my parner and he just says i dont understand their not my kids he only see's them 2 a week which is understandable. but he doesnt understand i wrk all week(he doesnt) and the only time i have to relax and wind down to get my self ready for the next week is weekend which is took over by the kids.

what sort of boundaries are appropriate and how can i get him to understand the way he is behaving is making me resent the kids which will obviously end in us splitting. is it appropiate fro me to ask that they nok on our bedroom door before netering and do not route throught my stuff ??

Marrry's picture

Hi, I am a stepmom without children as well.
It sounds to me like you have a very legitimate concern, and based on my experience I would say that both your husband and your children need boundries. He is ultimatly the person with the most authority to set the home rules for the children, but you could try to take charge of things by adopting a VERY TENDER/LOVING attitude and explaining that:

-DON'T EVER LOSE YOUR COOL. Say things in a pondered way. Listen to them respectfully, nod yoru head to show you understand where they are coming from, and that you empathyze with them.
-Show tender smiles.
-STAND FIRM (and dont forget to make a few concessions).

My children's BM has become very religious, and I confess that taht attitude has empowered me to use God and Jesus as role models of good and appropriate conduct. Not only that, it has empowered me in my faith for better days, a purpose in life (which I create myself), and strengh to move forward (even though the BM's behaviour isn't flawless - AND NEITHER IS MINE).

To all you girls outthere who are stepmothers without biologic children, my very best tender loving hug. You are not alone.

Dreamer's picture

I have my two step daughter who just moved in. My husband is a truck driver and is gone Monday thru Friday so I had to quit my job to care for his kids. I used to drive tour buses and was gone at odd times and sometimes weeks at a time.

Now I am the girls primary care giver! I wash clothes, cook, pack lunches, babysit, break up fights and everything else a mother does but I have no legal rights. I told my husband if this was to be permenant then we had to go to court and gain full custady with me listed as a legal guardian so that I did have legal right. Heck a foster parent has more rights then I do.

Plus these girl hate me thanks to their biomom. You should hear the things they say about me when they think I can't hear. The only reason they are treating me halfway respectful is they know if they don't then it's off to foster care since their mother no longer wants them.

I do have a baby though. She is my 4.5lb Chihuahua, Sara. Boy does that piss the girls off! They aren't allowed to touch her because they are to rough with her. They say I treat her better than them. Well she behaves better than them. Plus shes alot more loving.

I would love to have my own kids but my husband had a visectomy while married to the psyco. She wanted 6 kids but for my husband to raise them. Well he fixed that problem and then cursed me! I would love kids but artificial insemination is out of my price range thanks to child support.

Don't fear the thorns among the Roses, but be greatful for the Roses among the thorns

somebody's picture

Talk to the docotor.Your hb's thing can be reversed. Do it sooner than later. Please don't just talk and wait. Do something about it.

lalala's picture

Wow. It is good to hear that their are others out there with a similar situation.

I have no biological children (though I very much want to have one). I live with 2 SD full time (their BM has a multitude of issues). One of them makes it known to me what her ideas of a family are. There is a part inside of me that wants to tell her that I didnt do anything wrong, I waited to find the man I loved before considering having a child and I happened to find a wonderful man who already has two children and it could happen to her one day that the man of her dreams may be divorced and have children, but it is a fleeting feeling. Smile I feel badly that they have to go thru so much with their BM who will never put them first or even love them unconditionally. I do everything for them that their BM will not, somtimes I feel like the person hired to take care of everyone because the kids and I dont have emotional bonds. Most of what I say to them goes in one ear and out of the other.

The family cat has become my baby. I talk about her like she is my child with my partner. I play with her and picture playing with my future child.

saraISconfused's picture

Well,here's my story. I've been married to my husband for 2 years, we've been together 5. Well from the beginning I knew he had an "illegitmate" child. The mother never wanted him to have anything to do with the child and she was married to someone else and wanted that man as the father. My husband, who was only 21 at the time, agreed. Well now, 9 years later, the mother is divorcing her husband and calls my husband up out of the blue for ANOTHER paternity test because i assume she wants child support. My husband and I have no problem with this. He also told her he wants to have something to do with the child. Well here's my problem. We've been trying to get pregnant for nearly 4 years with no luck. I know I just sound jealous, but it hurts me so bad to know that he has a child with someone else. I want him to know his son, but I also want a child of my own. He says this will be my child to, but I told him that's not how it works. I highly doubt this 9 year old boy will want anything to do with me, or him for that matter. I can tell that he is really excited about this. When he was only 21 he thought that doing what the mother wanted was the right thing, but he now knows it's not and he wants to try to do things right from now on. I'm very very very hurt on the other hand. I knew this day would probably happen, but I didn't realize it would hurt so much. The past 2 years I've had a lot of health problems (i have cystic fibrosis). I already feel like a burden on him, and I know this sounds selfish, but I'm thinking about leaving. I don't want to come in between him and his son. He's gonna have a child to worry about now without having a sick wife to deal with. I guess I'm just rambling.

BabygotBack1988's picture

please pm me

its very similar to my situation he never had anything to do with his kids (he ddint want to )

i should have knows it was coming that they would be in my space but i didnt know how much of little brats and how much guilt parenting would be involved tis a complete nightmare please refer to my previos post i only post at work mon to fri


Marrry's picture

It's tough being a stepmom without biological children. We thought 3 of his' was enough. Had there been our own production might affect the existing ones negativelly. Now, here are the stages I have experimented so far:
1) You are not their mother. Don't try to be. (And I didn't!)
2) Give the best of yourself to them. You will get from them as much as you put in. (So I did!)
3)Have ownership of what is yours. They are your children too, after all, you are their father's wife: you are a role model whether you want to be one or not. (So I called them "my girls").
4)"Well, your children are not really yours. When you have a child of your own it is a completelly different story. There is an unexplainable bond." (OK. They are not really mine, and when push comes to shove, I am at best their stepmom. Otherwise I am their dad's wife.)

In short: I am at a loss. I can't relate to anyone. If I socialize with friends I hear comments like " Oh, change the subject. Enough of Child Talk. Mary has arrived ( I am Marry)." Otherwise I dont have friends. There simply isn't room for stepmothers without children in society. There are no church programs for child free stepmothers (that does sound contradictory, doesn't it?). I have not spotted a corner where I feel normal.I feel very very lonely. What keeps me going is the adoration that I have for my husband, the determination to follow through with my commitments (also, the kids are fun), and the faith that God has a purpose for everyone, and that if he allowed me to be where I am, that is because He has a plan for me. Because I am His, I move forward confident that I will find out what my purpose is at some point in the future. In the mean time, I move forward because only crabs walk backwards (and I am not one!). Is there another stepmom out there feeling something similar?

Most Evil's picture

Please, please do not define yourself by whether or not you have given birth. I am a stepmom with no kids myself too, and that is just fine with me. I did not get married til I was about 40 and never wanted to have one that late, or by myself, plus I enjoy my adult life.

If you don't know any other women with no children please find some new girlfriends, they are all around you. You found us, right? I know what you mean about people talking about kids but I am sure they are also willing to talk about other things, if not, find other adults with other interests too.

It is simply too limiting to only see yourself as a vessel to deliver babies, and I don't think that is all that God sees you as or wants for you either. I hope I am misunderstanding you, if not please consider what you would say to a friend who told you she felt unworthy because of not giving birth.

What if you physically or mentally couldn't for some reason, are you just going to lay down and die? or are you going to take the life you are given and use it up to the max regardless? think about it honey

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

Lilly's picture

I just stumbled on this site and can't believe what I've read! It's like my life spread out on the screen!!
I have been a stepmom for 12 years and do not have children of my own. I feel SO lonely! Like there isn't anyone out there who deals with what I am feeling. This is wonderful.

Trisha's picture

I know what you're talking about - where do I fit into this. You've spent so much time accommodating others - and in the end there's no upside.

goo's picture

I feel empty. Always feels that I am an outsider.

vb's picture

It is nice to know that there are others out there that feel the same way. I can't help but feel that not only will I not come first (because his child is and should do so) but I am closer to 2nd after the ex-wife, who always seems to throw a monkey wrench in whatever we have planned.

Springfield's picture

I can completely identify with the feeling of loneliness. My husband and and I have been married for almost two years. He has 2 boys. They are sweet, fun, loving boys but they are not mine. When we first go married, I was so sad, I didn't know where I belonged or what my place was and I really still don't. I am just now realizing that I cannot live my life as if the boys are mine. It may be selfish but a stepmother doesn't get the same return on her investment. I think it is so important to keep your identity. I don't think he BF realizes the sacrafice and since of loneliness a SM can feel.

Not The Mom's picture

I know this post it old but it really grabbed my heart.

This is me! I have been through the steps 1-4. I want to be a good wife to my husband and walk in the word of God.

I just have no idea where I am supposed to fit in. I am really tired of the well meaning "you are more of a mother to those kids than their Mom!" well I am not their Mom and we all know it.

Holidays are awful but WHO CAN I TELL>>> that I want to cry in frustration because I "do the work" but she gets the happiness/good times.
When I do try to get my feelings out about it I get the "you signed up for it/you knew when you got married/don't worry about it they know who takes care of them". Well yes I did have a general understanding of kids and I did agree to help my husband in all things when we got married, but surely I never imagined the CONSTANT need and the very LITTLE reward.

Don't get me wrong, I love the kids as people and I do get happiness from seeing things that I have taught them put into practice, but during events like graduation and sporting events I am in the background, the "after thought" or the third wheel. Their Mom is completely insecure and at the beginning I would try to get involved but it turned into a scene about how I was not the Mom and I was being disrespectful by even showing my face at events.

Sometimes I just don't understand what I am supposed to do, so that I do not have this constant feeling that I must be doing something wrong, since I can not just be happy in the good times and there are MANY (God has blessed us with all we need and so much more) But the thankful peaceful feeling is eluding me. I just feel overwelmed.

tjay's picture

I am 40 and have met the love of my life with two kids. He wants no more. I really do love him and feel at my age, the chances are very slim of conceiving. I love the skids but, feel resentment sometimes. Also, everyone in his family has kids and it's all a bout the kids...I feel like I am useless since I didn't procreate. No one understands I was waiting for right person/situation and I wasn't as lucky as 99% of the world to find true love before childbearing years are nil. It's a lonely feeling.

Stimp's picture

I was previously married to a DM with a boy and a girl. I have chosen not to have children of my own. His children where robots to their BM to the point where they were incapable of bonding with me. Nor would she allow it. Of course, that cause great disruption in our home and lead to my second divorce. He did not support my parental decisions nor did he agree with my parenting style.

I am now with a wonderful man who grew up with similar style: Kids are kids, they DO NOT make decisions that affect the home or is not their place. The egg donor (BM) does NOT control what goes on in our house and my soon-to-be husband makes THAT very clear. He has a "set", tells HER how it's going to be...sure she pushes back but he is very strong. His kids....are absolutely wonderful...they have strong personalities and basically don't listen to her B.S.. They are loving and I am relaxed and fair with them. The oldest, I believe is much more bonded to me than her own mother simply because the younger one is doted on by the egg donor (my affectionate term for her). It's very pathetic. Do I feel resentment, ya. BUT communication is the key....between you and your spouse and you and your step children. I do NOT change my schedule for them. I am not a live-in or free nanny. I've made that very clear. I work from home and in the summer, they are allowed to stay ONLY if they find stuff to do. I do not pick them up or drop them at school, it's simply not my job. I DID NOT choose to have children because I don't want the responsibility....much like many of you. Stand up for yourself. Make it clear, while you do love the children and you knew the situation when you got into definitely does not mean, you change your whole life to become super mom to someone who made the decision to have children. It was THEIR decision to have children, not yours.

I am here for all of them. I will step in if needed, I go to all the functions because it is important to the kids....but I'm not going to be all to everyone. If I wanted that level of responsibility, I'd have had my own. Joe knows that, respects it, respects my home rules (keep your room clean or there are no riding lessons or no TV or whatever). It is what it is. I don't feel I need to live in a "pit" just because children are there. They thrive on responsibility. Give it to them. Also, be the ALPHA....OR they will take that from you. They need direction and structure...not guilt ridden freedom to do what they want. Do non-split families go to Disney every paint and do projects around the house, etc. on the weekends. Its important to provide that knowledge to them. Especially if their BM (egg donar) is not providing that. Life isn't games and toys and fun all the time. We work for what we want. We completely stress that to the girls. And, they are MORE than happy to help me around the house because they get $$ for it immediately. They know MY "specs" as I call them and they are structured accordingly. Sounds strong and hard but guess what....they LOVE being at our place more than hers because we also afford them more freedoms because of the chores they do to help the "family" survive.

Most importantly, however, there needs to be a joined front between you and your spouse ...they will feel it, feed off of it if you are separated in your ideas, etc. and boom another divorce. Don't let that happen to you!!! I've been there. I made mistakes. I've learned. I'm not perfect, but I'm learning to not make the same mistakes.....that is why I choose not to be super-stepmom...because I hated it. The kids will pick up on genuine love...not fake. Just like they pick up on resentment. Examine why you feel resentment, and fix it. Are you resentful that you have to leave work early to pick them up from school....tell your DH....make a change. But get rid of the resentment. It'll kill you all.

As far as my personal life goes, when they are there...I do believe it important for them to spend time with their father without me around. AND, it is important for me to continue my girl friend time. You don't need to be inseparable from them. I plan my girl friend activities when they ARE there....not when they are away. Their away time is my relationship bonding time with my fiance. THAT will not change.

I am very very lucky THIS time. I have a wonderful, and understanding fiance and I have two beautiful little girls who ALREADY call me their stepmom. They confide in me. They call me their best friend. I didn't force that, I earned it. I am open and honest with them. If they ask why we don't do this that or the other thing any more, I say "well, I was told you didn't like doing that." They will ask by whom and I'm honest, I'm not going to lie for HER. She lies to us. Believe NONE of what you hear and 1/2 of what you see. The kids will "get it" sooner or later. The eldest who is 9 ALREADY gets it.

Just my thoughts....still lots to learn, still resentment at times, still dread when I'm working and I know its our night with them. But persevere (sp?) and you'll come out like a shining star. Don't give the egg donor any reason to criticize you....give her nothing. Don't talk to her or interact with her. She is not YOUR X...she is his. Let him deal with her. THAT in and of itself will alleviate alot of resentment.

dmbfanliz's picture

I just found this site and your post really connected with me. I have been extremely depressed with my situation and I feel completely torn because I absolutely adore my boyfriend. We just moved in together 3 months ago after dating for almost 2 years. He has been stationed overseas, so this is the 1st summer his 3 kids have spent with us and it has been a challenge. I have no children of my own so I find the challenge of going from 0 to 3 kids has, at times, been completely overwhelming. The great thing in all of this is that they are all wonderful, sweet children but I really have had a difficult time getting past the fact that they aren't mine. Does this ever go away? I am divorced as well and one of the main reasons I left my ex was that he told me (after years of saying "maybe next year" followed by months of half-ass "trying" to have a kid) that he did NOT want children. My current BF had a vasectomy years ago after his 3rd child, so the prospect of having a child of our own seems distant. Financially it is impossible anytime soon. On top of the fact that I feel like I would be an awful parent since I apparently do not have the right feelings for these children so far. I resent them and the time that they're stealing from us. Does this ever go away? I am a naturally nurturing person and I feel exhausted from trying to get them to like me all of the time.

But I say all of this just to say that your post gave me a sense of hope that I have not felt in weeks. I appreciate you (and everyone else on this thread) taking the time to reach out and let me know I'm not alone. Thank you.

jennikay's picture

I have 2 skids and no children of my own. My DH has two kids by different mothers. The oldest son 16, lives with us and I love him most days like my own. The constant disrespect is a real problem. His BM is a total nut case but he still thinks she is coming to rescue him, even after 11yrs. That is easy compared to the SD, who lives with her BM, and comes to spread her misery on holidays and in the summer. The rest of the time the BM is suing and causing as much trouble as she can. I have been married only three years but we have been together six. On the day we got married my SD told me i could not marry her father that he still belonged to her mother, she was 6. Two years ago my DH and i were going through infertility treatments and the BM put a restraining order on my DH and was suing to take away joint custody. She said that DH already had a child and didn't need to upset her by having another. She thought he would never have anymore because she made him have a vasectomy after SD's birth. He reversed and was excited about having a child with me. Since she was causing so much trouble, we had to stop in-vitro and pursue a custody case three states away. We had to move and stay with family because of all the attorney and traveling fees. After that disappointment I could not imagine going through that pain again. So I live with the resentment of this crazy woman and her screwed up kid taking that opportunity away from me. I was so devastated i became angry and didn't understand why God would allow this. This week she has applied for welfare and said we haven't paid child support or insured the SD. Now the state is suing us and we have to again fight another battle, that she has started with lies. She just likes to keep things stirred up, so everyone is as miserable as her. I have so much resentment for this child, I can't stand to look at her. Then I feel guilty because I know this is not what God would want me to do. It is always a battle, when we can see her, how much child support and she doesn't like her father and she definitely hates me. I have tried to do what is right but I am sinking and feel like if I have to look at her for 7 weeks this summer I will go mad! She should just stay where she is at and stop making our family miserable.

SatiLacia's picture

I've been married to my husband for almost a year now. He has one daughter who was 6 when we met, and is now going to be 10 this year. She is a nice girl now, but for the first couple of years it was very difficult; she came from a difficult situation and was acting out. I accepted this and we've worked through it, however i have never loved the child, despite being told I should be telling her that. After we married all of a sudden she started calling me mom, which i hate. I am not her mother. Her mother hasn't been in the picture but has resurface recently, and there is reason to hope that she will want to have contact with her. My husband has always had to travel a bit for work, but now he is traveling basically every week. He is gone for 3 nights, 4 days at the minimum most weeks and sometimes works weekends. I am happy to help him with his daughter, but somewhere along the way I have become the primary caregiver, expected to do everything for her from daycare to signing trip sheets to doctor's appointments. Everything. Unless she can do it herself, I have to do it. Even when he is home, I am still expected to pick her up because he has worked so hard throughout the week. I commute 1 hour each way to work, in addition to dropping her off, picking her up and working myself. When i get home i make suppers and try to get her to walk the dogs, which she will often do, so that i may have a few minutes to myself. Last night, i fessed up to all my feelings with my husband of resentment and anger at having to raise someone elses child. I have never wanted children, and I have recently found myself only tolerating her presence; especially as being called mom makes me physically nauseated. I love my husband and do not want to live without him, and i do not mind helping out at all. I am the main point of contact for this girl, and i'm not even related by blood and we've only been together for 4 years. She was already developed in habits by the time I came along. I feel that this is unfair, but i feel guilty that i feel this way. There are a variety of jobs in our hometown that don't require traveling, and I have asked that he switch jobs. I am feeling extremely in the wrong, as he does work hard to provide for us. However, the work is so erratic, and i spend so much time alone that i've been debating divorce, as i realize my best years are going to be spent not with the man that i love, but raising his child so he can build a career; away from us. He constantly complains he hates being away as well, yet makes me feel terrible for asking him to change. He said he will, and i'm glad of that. Am i right in wanting him to help me raise his own child? I do not hate her, and in the past year i've spent a lot of time analyzing and pinpointing my problems. If i weren't around he wouldn't be able to have this job without a live in nanny, or someone to look after her. I love my husband so much, but do not want to fill the role of mother. Please, your comments are welcome.

satilacia's picture

We do actually get quality time, he spends most of his time with me when he is home on the weekends. It's not that I mind him working at all, it's that it affects his relationship with his daughter. They are more strangers to each other than she and i are. I am very thankful that my SD is respectful (this has taken a lot of work from the lying, stealing and misbehaving that occurred in the first two years) and likes me, absolutely, but early in the relationship my husband and i both had the misconceived notion that this would be an instant family. I would love her and treat her like my own daughter (even though i've never had kids) and i blinded myself to what all this would really entail. I didn't get it before we were married; which is unfair, i admit fully. But now as i realize that i am the only one raising this girl whom i've only recently become even willing to be around is not fair to anyone. In addition, my husband is trying to get a different job farther away from home and for longer periods of time (ie gone 1 month, home 1 1/2 wks). I do not wish to have children but am happy to _help_ him raise his. But i feel as though i am being used as child care so he can go work wherever he wants. I realize he does want to work away for more money in the pursuit of bigger things, but i don't want bigger things, i want to have time with my husband and i want him to be raising his daughter. Since we've been together (living together the past 2 years or so), all of the responsibilities have shifted to me. We do get a sitter on the weekends when he's home and try to have some time just to us. Which is wonderful. But i'm not comfortable being the only one around for her. I miss the work when she's sick, i make the dr appointments, i pick up and drop off at daycare (this is whether or not DH is home). i have to do all the shopping, haircutting, anything associated with this girl, is up to me. even the discipline, most of the time. i did allow this to happen, but as i said, i had the notion that this is how things are supposed to be because i am the woman and that's what women do. Not that i've ever been really conventional Smile But DH can make just as much, if not more, working in the city. being home every night. spending time with his daughter and helping me at least to care for her. i'm also in charge of any and all daycare and setting up of babysitters so we can go out. laundry. homework. field trips. i'm the only one who's attended her school functions, and i hate school functions. DH fought for custody for her years ago, but now i'm wondering if he married me and loves me just because i enable him to be free.

So i suppose what my real question is: is love alone enough to get me through the next 9 years of raising a daughter who isn't mine, that i don't yet love, all by myself?

Melissa325i's picture

I was so glad to find this site:)
I am engaged to a man I love, but his daughter (8) is spoiled, manipulative, and lacks manners. (Like her BMom, who still plays the perpetual victim)
It is the toughest thing to establish reasonable house rules when the Bmoms house has zero.

Does anyone else feel like the Bmom still influences the relationships and household activities ?

vb's picture

Yes most definitely. Our BM conveniently scheduled a "Business trip" the week we planned to go to Paris. As a result we had to cancel our plans. i can't help resenting the fact that the man I loved would allow someone else to disrupt our plans so. He claims that she misunderstood the planned switch. But even if that were true, am I wrong to think that he should have not simply trashed our plans to accomodate hers. Needless to say I am greatly disappointed and hurt.

cnd62107's picture

i am only 19 (getting ready to turn 20) so i don't have any kids of my own yet. my boyfriend is 7 years older than me and any time i show any signs of wanting kids soon, he pulls the experience card on me, saying "enjoy being young and not having responsibility while you can...have fun..."and so on. but my thinking is that i'm already a part-time mom when my sd is over (not to say that taking care of a child one weekend a month is comparable to being a parent at all. i'm not that naive!!), so is it so bad to want to have one of my own? if i'm good enough to cook for and clean after his daughter, then why am i not ready to have one that is mine too? so yeah i guess i have some resentment. i've actually wanted a baby for a long time. i currently work with infants at a daycare as my job and i absolutely love it and it only makes me want to have a baby more. i want to feel what i feel for those babies, but with the added closeness and love that only a mother feels.

snowball's picture

I met my fiance when his son was only 15 days. The hardest part of our relationship is dealing with my ss's mom, they never got married and their relationship last for 5 months, she is older than him (about ten years). My relationship with my ss is ok, he is 5 years old now and goes to pre-k. When he was 3 years old he had some speech problems and he was Hiper, there was a lot of problems with my fiance back then, because he was in denial. My ss goes to special school (for speech therapy) and I want to know what can I do to start a good relationship with his mother. I've noticed that she doesn't like his son around me at all. I am getting married this year and this is something I want to do for the kid sake.

liz_ard's picture

I have read this entire thread and I agree completely with the person who said earlier that you should leave the BM out of it. I know this is a special situation with the speech therapy, but it really is up to your husband to deal with HIS ex. I know for my own mental health, it would NOT be a good thing to be involved with my bf's ex wife. And why do you think that a relationship with the BM will help your relationship with your ss? She will probably always see you as a threat and as nice as you probably are, she will more than likely never "like her son" around you. I think you should focus on building your new family as a unit of, your hubby and your ss, not the bm. Just my thoughts.

kbland009's picture

I am recently married SM of SS4. I have been dating his dad since SS was 18months. It was hard in the beginning but things got better now all of a sudden things are not going well again with SS. We have him on weekends and I have always tried to do fun things with him while he's here. The kid never wants to leave the house and we end up stuck inside all weekend playing with toys and watching movies...even when it's beautiful out. Whenever we do leave the house he wants a toy wherever we go and 9 times out of 10 my husband gets it for him. If he doesn't get what he wants he acts like a spoiled brat...pouting and refusing to talk to anyone. I see it every single time but my husband never puts 2 and 2 he's acting that way because he's tired or hungry...and if I say anything about it I'm being mean to him. Give me a BREAK...he's a brat! I used to love spending time with him but lately I can't stand having him around. He runs the show when he's here and it's like I'm not even around...he takes over the tv in the living room and then my husband wants to know why I'm in our bedroom. I am a nanny full time during the week and don't want to watch another Mickey Mouse or Fireman Sam on the weekend! He gets mad because I "seperate myself" from them...I don't intentionally, there is just nothing else to do when we are home all the time. If we ever left the house we could all do stuff together. I would like to have a child of my own within the next few years but my husband says "you can't stand SS for two days, how are you going to handle a kid everyday for the next 18 years?" He gets so mad when I say it would be different with my own child...he doesn't understand. I'm not trying to push SS aside but I'll never be his mom. He doesn't understand why I can't just love SS as my own...and sometimes I feel like I'm a bad person because I don't...but he has a mother who he lives with 5 days of the week. Maybe it would be different if he lived with us full time but he doesn't...nor will he...he has a mother who is a good mother. I want to start a family with my husband and he says we already have one. Am I a bad person because I don't consider my SS my own child?

Rags's picture

I am a StepDad with no BioKids. I have been StepDad to my son (SS-17) since he was 1yo. He is an only child in our home.

BioDad has four out-of-wedlock spawn by three different women. My SS is his oldest. Our son is the only one raised by either parent. My wife has had sole physical and legal custody from his birth. My wife was 16 when SS was born and the SpermIdiot was 22. The three younger out-of-wedlock spawn were all abandoned on SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa's door step and they all live with the SGPs.

The SGPs also pay BioDad's CS for our son (my SS), pay for visitation travel for my SS, and BioDad lives in a property owned by his parents and pays no rent.

So, I certainly understand your feelings about your Skids BMs. My Skid also comes from a gene pool half of which is polluted to a toxic level.

I will say this though. I AM the dad! The other guy is just the SpermDonor.

Hang in there.