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Step daughter barely talks to me

Georgie-rads1's picture

Hi

I'm new to this so sorry if i don't know all the lingo/abbreviations!

My stepdaughter, known her since she was 6, she's now 22. We used to have her every weekend. Her mum is the bitter ex. We've always been hated especially me 

My stepdaughter has always been made to feel bad for liking me, been encouraged to cut me out.  They even had a falling out a few years back and I encouraged her to sort it out with her mum.

I thought i had a good relationship with my stepdaughter we used to talk etc but recently she barely has anything to do with me. She's rude to me unless she's in front of her dad. I call she never answers or she'll text back "what do you want," 

I've confronted her asking if I've upset her and she ssys I don't call her and when i mention about what she says she says its me with the problem.  

This is over text, I've not confronted her to her face as she's not the type you can approach. She's never wrong, an actual trait she has from her mum. She has been treated likeca princess all her life, my husband won't say anything as he's frightened he'll lose contact altogether. 

Anyone else been in a similar situation? Advice please? 

2Tired4Drama's picture

I've been in the exact same situation. But unlike you, there was never a time when my SD had a conversation with me. I've been around for half of her life and she's never asked me a single question about myself or made any effort to get to know me as a person.  Not. Once.  She is married with her own child now and nothing has changed.  I am disengaged from her. 

As for you ...Your SD is an adult now. She is responsible for her own behavior and managing her own relationships. 

No matter how many years you've been in her life, no matter what you've done for her or how you may have sacrificed for her, the reality is that you mean nothing to her.  You are NOT her mother and her mother will always take precedence. Her mother dislikes you so SD will never have a genuine relationship with you because she will NEVER cross her own biological mother and show any kind of disloyalty to her.  SD has shown you that over and over again - so believe it to be true. 

Your DH, her father, is a classic confrontational coward who will never do anything to upset the fragile connection he has to his daughter.  This will never change.  The pattern was set and it will stay that way.  Princess she is and princess she will always be.  Be very aware that if your DH was ever forced to choose, he would choose her over you.  Every time. 

SD does not have to have any kind of relationship with you nor even communicate with you.  And guess what - you don't have to have a relationship with her, either!  

Disengage from her WITHOUT fanfare or making any kind of announcement.  Just go "Grey Rock" ... don't contact her, don't initiate or talk about her with your DH and don't expect that things will ever change in the future.  If he brings her up, change the subject.  Let your DH be responsible for his own relationship with her.  If she comes to visit either leave the house or go to your room and close the door - claim you have a headache and need to lie down. 

Eg. Your DH says, "SD is going to stop by this evening. I thought we might all go out for a bite to eat."  You:  "I'm actually going over to BFF's house to help her with a project. Have fun at your dinner with SD!"  No explanations, no excuses, no more discussion.  Even if you don't go to your BFF's, go to the library, go for a walk, whatever...

Read the disengagement forums here. You will find some good suggestions and other examples.  My recommendation is to NOT announce you are disengaging, however.   Neither to your DH nor your SD.  Just find ways and excuses to disengage.

 

Georgie-rads1's picture

Thanks for your response I appreciate what you've said. I don't see her that often but think my husband would notice if I did that.

She taught me how to beva mum. I literally did everything for her. I struggle with her only communicating with my husband or worse still when she feels like it, my kids. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

OP, keep reading and rereading 2Tired's post. Memorize it, even. Because it is the stark, bare bones reality.

Many of us SMs have had our hearts broken by skids we grew to love. Kids are innately selfish, and will take what is offered without concern for adult feelings. You've poured water down a hole in the ground; you're not going to get any of it back, and the hole doesn't care about you.  That's steplife.

You need to work on accepting you will never have a close relationship with your DH's daughter. She may come in and out of your life, being nice when it serves her and ignoring you the rest of the time, but she will never care about or have any loyalty for you. Learn the lesson that's in front of you. Let go of what you'd hoped for, mourn the loss, and move forward. She is not your people.

2Tired4Drama's picture

You and I are old-timers to this game and know how it's played. I only hope that the newer folks can learn from us and don't make the same mistakes. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

If your kids are YOUR kids (no relation to SD) then they don't need to have a relationship with her either.  Especially if they are minors. I'd be damned if I let my kids spend any time with someone who makes it clear that I am disposable.

 

shellpell's picture

Her mother dislikes you so SD will never have a genuine relationship with you because she will NEVER cross her own biological mother and show any kind of disloyalty to her. 
 

This is what a lot of SMS forget - there is a third person in their relationship with their skid, the BM. And even if the skids likes you when they are young, they can easily drop you and any relationship you may have.

OP, leave her be, but also don't allow any poison to flow from her to you or your kids.

Casey Summers's picture

@2Tired4Drama you explained what is going on in my life perfectly! The skids are grown now and the oldest daughter who hates me completely stopped talking to me when her father my husband asked her to stop calling me rasicst names and relaying hateful stories her mother said about me. Those skids have never bothered to get to know me and never will because of their mother. Thank you for this post. I am not alone even though I feel entirely alone and hated so much.

Kes's picture

You can't force a person to have a better relationship with you, or to treat you well.  But if you tolerate this type of treatment of yourself, you collude with their rudeness and unfriendliness.  Like others have said, disengage and don't keep knocking your head against a brick wall. 

tog redux's picture

Yep, let her go. Don't reach out to her and don't do anything for her (no gifts, no money, no help with anything).  Be pleasant if she does reach out, but she's not your responsibility anymore, and really never was.

I'd personally tell my DH what I was doing, that because she is so rude to me, I will not longer be interacting with her in the same way - then follow through. If he's mad, he's mad - he'll get over it.  

2Tired4Drama's picture

I think the key is being polite but very distant - like you are briefly talking to a stranger in the grocery store. The important thing is to not get sucked back into engaging, simply because the skid has reached out to you.  I think others have had this experience where they think things are getting better because skid has reached out, only to have the rug pulled out from under them again.  It's just a game of maniupulation for them. (Grandskids are a prime way they do this.)

Harry's picture

Because you were foolish enough to spend your time, energy, money, on her when she was young.  You believe her when she told you ,she just "Love you". Like most of did.  Disengage from her. Remove her from your mind.  You so will sleep better.  And always remind people here what life has in store for them.   When they say. They are my kids 

Rags's picture

I have found that the way to deal with a noncommunicative young adult is .... don't chase them.  Make an effort, if they do not respond, titrate that effort down to the point where you get their attention. Eventually they will call.  

Don't tell them you are not calling. Just stop calling, texting, etc....  Other than a very rare text e.g. "Whatcha doin?" or some very brief ping. That way if they play the "you don't contact me!" card you can rub their bullshit in their face. "Oh I don't contact  you huh?  From my text and  call log I have reached out several times over the past X months with zero response  or any effort from you.  Now who isn't staying in contact?" Engage but tolerate no bullshit.

Eventually young adults will find themselves in a position where contacting their parents becomes important. When that happens... answer but do not fawn over them or otherwise go down on your knees to thank them for tossing you a contact bone.  "Oh Hi.  It is good to hear from you.  What's up?"  Then let them talk.  Ask a few light questions to get them sharing and when it gets quiet, tell them that is was great to hear from them and that you hope to hear from them again soon, then say goodbye.  Then in a couple of weeks ping them with a text.

Basically, lower you expectations so you won't be disappointed.

No fawning, no chasing, enjoy your life and don't let them get into your head.  They will engage periodically.

Don't waste your time trying to understand the why of their lack of contact. That is a depressive rat hole no one should go down.  Focus on your life and you and your SO enjoy doing what you enjoy doing.  That way when the Spawn do make contact you can easily give them a brief update and send the clear message that while you are interested in their lives, you are much more interested in your own life and though you would like regular contact you are not devastated if they don't communicate regularly.

Just my thoughts of course.

Good luck.

MissTexas's picture

These DH's who refuse to stick up for their wives and confront the bullies they raised are the issue/problem. As long as he refuses to confront his daughter and call her on her bad behavior AND give her a consequence for it, then nothing will change.

I did the dog and pony show with SD, trying to get to know her. I really tried, and went all out as many of us on here have done, despite the fact she's not anyone I would even talk to in the grocery story line if she were next in line.

I remember feeling horribly sick everytime I knew she was coming. Apparently I am not alone, as the previous wife would also always "get sick" when she knew they were coming to "visit." She was like a cat spraying its territory, rearranging flowers I had in a vase, laying on daddy's side of OUR BED when she wanted to take a nap (despite the fact we have a separate guest room and guest house) all the while DH would say, "She likes you. She always asks about you." No. She doesn't, and I have never liked her, though I did make the effort to make her feel welcome because of my love for DH, at my own expense. I've since learned, if someone or something costs you  your peace, then you cannot afford to have it in your life.

Just because people are biologically linked, never means their relationship should come before your marriage. Fate made her his daughter and brought her into your life, inadvertently, but it's your CHOICE not to have a relationship with her, and vice versa. 

Your husband is the enabler to her behavior. You are fortunate in that SHE is the one choosing not to talk to you. Point that out to your DH. It's not YOU, it's HER.

Georgie-rads1's picture

I can't help feeling like I've wasted my time and effort. Its making me feel really depressed if I'm honest. I think i heed help getting over this Sad

CLove's picture

You TRIED. And thats what matters. Theres a lot going on with this, and I dont know much about the background, theres not a lot of background detail in your post.

Something probably triggered it, mainly to do with her mother. There is something you might have heard of called a "loyalty bind". When the child has a mother that makes them feel guilty for liking and even loving the step mother, it triggers the loyalty bind and makes them feel like they "have to choose", and they will always choose the mother. 

Or maybe she was ACTING like she liked you to "get more from you", and now that shes 22 and on her own, she doesnt feel like theres a need to pretend anymore.

You mention that shes been spoiled and dad is Guilty Dad. Perhaps shes feeling like dad is choosing you over her. She got used to the spoiling and he isnt doing it anymore and she blames you.

You can spend a lot of time and energy trying to untangle this. Read the forums and posts, specifically about adult step children and the issues that come up. In my situation, it was pretty apparent that SD21 Feral Forger and I would never get along. Her personality is identical to her mothers, and she lies, steals and is very mean and dirty. When she doesnt get her way, or you ask her to do something, she goes into rages.

SD14, well, I THINK she loves me and even LIKES me, but shes at the age - the MOODY times. So I am riding with it and just being there and being nice and not letting things get to me (yah right...) Who knows if she will start swimming on the shallow end of that gene pool. I hope not because she has a much greater awareness and even emotional maturity than her sister and even the mother....

So read and research terms like "loyalty bind", "enmeshment mother and daughter", "disney dad", "mini-wife" (she could be a mini-wife! A whole different issue...)

FWSM1964's picture

This thread is extremely helpful.  Emotional energy is very precious indeed and StepTalk is helping me to see that. We have limited resources to spend with those who deserve our attention; not chase after those who have rejected us.

At first, I was upset that all four of my SK's wanted nothing/nothing more to do with me, including the one I met a couple of times and had been very pleasant. The reason for this was because their mother didn't want to accept that "her man" had moved on.

Also, the "loyalty bind" and "enmeshmed mother" google searches stated in StepTalk helped me to stop taking the situation personally. I could clearly see that for years, BM used her sons as a comforter and dumping ground for her unprocessed emotions, and BM's daughters needed their mother's approval on all aspects of their lives before they were able to feel good about themselves and their choices. 

While engendering the pity of the sons and the alignment of the daughters, BM has left little room for anyone else in that family dynamic. I should not take it personally. 

I then started 3 forums regarding that fact to get advice and to vent. The bottom line from this process is that I have a choice to invest in these individuals, just like I have a choice to invest in the grocery store cashier's "charity of the day" and I do not have to do so. 

My partner has come around to this way of thinking.  He will no longer be attending the matrimonial home to "play happy family" events.  He says that his attendance would be disrespectful to me, and that he needs to send a clear message to BM that he is never going back to her.  His repetitive words extending over 14 years and two long-term relationships didn't seem to make a dent in her "out-of-touch with reality" psyche.  Thanksgiving is just four days away. 

I am grateful to StepTalk forums posters that made me think with their valuable advice (as discussed above), made me laugh (lots of analogies between BM and Jabba the Hut), and made me feel more confident in my discussions with my partner.