SS entitlement ruining my marriage!
Here goes, I am new to this sight and am so thankful I found it. My husband makes me feel like the issues we have are MY issues, and my issues alone.
Here goes, my husband has 2 children from previous marriage, SD 18, SS 22. His son is in his 6th year of college that my husband is paying for, refuses to work while in school (because he is too busy) and will only work part time in summer. He does not live with us, hasn't lived in my husbands house for 4 years, but still stores all of his and his girlfriends stuff there. He has planted huge gardens, let them die, and refuses to clean up the mess because he is too busy, but we are NOT to throw anything out or else he won't have a relationship with my husband. I gave him and my husband 5 month to clean it up, and then I told my husband if I clean it up and it looks like garbadge, it's garbage. Well his 5 months is up and he refuses to help my husband take care of the stuff. He is still not working and is out of school. I was given the riot act because I said I would clean it up, I am not to touch his son's stuff.
Next issue - I am 6 months pregnant, his son's and his girlfriend's stuff is in the bedroom that my baby will be going into. 1 month later after asking my husband to start moving the stuff (he still didn't tell his son that the baby will be in the room where his stuff is at, afraid that it will cause problems in his relationship with his son, I had enough and started packing the stuff and moving it into the basement. Again, I was told that I am not allowed to touch his son's stuff, and we discussed divorce because I did. I told my husband that it is my house and I will do anything I please in MY house, that I will not be treated like shit on the bottom of his shoe, or an outsider in the house that I live in.
Just a small example, there has been many. I feel like I ALWAYS come last when it concerns his ADULT children.
His daughter - doing great, and I am hopeful that one day we will have a good relationship.
Please help me on how to deal with this...will this ever end? Should I leave now, and leave my child without a father in his home? I am so hopeless in this situation.
Thanks so much, this his kept
Thanks so much, this his kept me many nights. When I try to address things with my husband he accuses me of trying to kick his children out of his life. If he tells them no they will not talk to him for months. He is starting to get better at not allowing them to manipulate him like that, but his son still does. His son has vandalized my property, kicked my dog, and blatently ignored my presence. My husband is constantly making excuses for him.
My mistake, it will take him 6 years to go through school, he flunked the first two years at a private school. And I agree, it is my husband who is ruining it. I have tried to compromise, I told him that I don't care where he put his stuff, (the stuff I packed was done neatly and put in the basement.) The stuff I was going to throw away was the lawn bags full of dirt in the garage, and the empty plastic plant holders laying throughout our yard and garage. My problem is not storing it, my problem is that my husband never addresses it, and I'm not "allowed" to touch it, and if I do I pay hell.
Forget SS's stuff start
Forget SS's stuff start packing DH's.... I agree he is definitely the issue.
A agree that your issue is
A agree that your issue is with your DH. So your DH will be mad; he'll also get over it. At 6 mo.s along, it is *high* time the baby's room is set up. If SS throws a hissy, too freakin' bad. He's had plenty of time to get his sh1t out of your house; he's an adult. I too did school FT and worked 60 hr.s/wk. It was hard as hell, but I managed. Your SS isn't that busy, he's that LAZY!
Anyway, at this point, hire some help or enlist your friends' help to get everything out of that room and off the lawn and into storage. Pay the first 2 or 3 mo.s of storage. Send SS the receipt for the payment along with a letter explaining that *none* his stuff has been thrown away, as per per his request, but that it has all been moved to storage because room had to be made for his new, baby sibling. Explain that you have paid for the storage unit for X mo.s and that at the end of that time, he will need to either assume payment or the storage unit manager will auction off the unit.
When your DH comes home that day from work, let him yell and sulk. Then, reiterate your point that you will not be treated like crap in your own home and you gave him and his SS ample time to fix the problem themselves. They chose not to, and, by virtue of the fact that there will be a little one in the home any day now, they forced your hand.
Thanks all for your support.
Thanks all for your support. It is funny how they turn things around on you making it your fault. I came from a step family, I have 6 step siblings, and I didn't like my step mom. Well guess what, now I feel sorry for her,and how I may have treated her. I never understood why my dad would always back her, but guess what, if it weren't for her, my father would be alone, she is his companion, not me. It's too bad more men do not realize this.
The son is so disrespectful
The son is so disrespectful of his father. What a disgrace.
If son screws up, it's his fault. Totally all his fault.
You have a nursery to prepare. He and girlfriend need to get their stuff out by week's end. If your husband has a problem with that, let him figure where to put the stuff and he move it.
Son might be dad's boss, but he ain't yours applesauce!!
Do you think you could speak with his sister, explain the situation and see if she'll talk to the brother.
I don't know dear.....this marriage is not healthy and in your condition, you should be made comfortable, not wickedly stressed out.
These people are just mean. Tale photos to document. I can't imagine anyone husband caring for his pregnant wife to allow what has taken place.
Remember....son is dad's boss, not yours!!
Hire someone to come in, box
Hire someone to come in, box up all the crap and move it to your sons front step. His problem. U shouldn't have to worry like this. So sorry.
I agree, one time I did the
I agree, one time I did the very same thing. We jsut moved to this house about 6 years ago and the 4th bed room was not completely done. I was tired of waiting for my dh to finish it as all 4 boys were cramped in 1 room. Dh was using the unfinished room as a storage for his crap (he is boarder line hoarder inherited from his dad) I took everything out of that room and put it all on the front porch. It was a sunday and dh was sleeping in so when he got up I was moving all of sons stuff in that room and he had to deal with all his crap on the porch. He got that room finished within a few months.
Do what you have to do even if you dh throws a fit once done it is done. I doubt he will put it all back. }:)
I PRAY you have called the
I PRAY you have called the cops on these idiots for kicking your dog! It is disgusting to allow anyone to do that and NOT call the cops. With that said, you need to stand up or send him on his way.
Sounds like you can easily
Sounds like you can easily have the upper- hand in this situation. You gave a time limit for the free storage unit to be emptied so the future child could have a room. The step son does not live there so free storage does not over ride the use of the future baby room. Just do it. Do not argue with the step son or husband about it. Do not defend your actions. From this point on refer to the room only as your husband's new son or daughter's room. If husband gets upset and says his son will not speak to him just let him know it's so sad his older child acts that way but you and the new child will be happy to continue your relationship with hubby. He would look like a real ass if he were to threaten any divorce or tell you to leave. It is time for the adult son to realize this totally helpless newborn takes priority. It is your job to see to it that your child has the best possible life that you and hubby can provide. If you don't fight for this new born's rights then who will? This child is entitled to a good life. Appears the older ones already had a good life . There is no reason for this child should be treated as second class. Congratulations---BOY OR GIRL?
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I similar how you write.Are you absorbing in a voice term writer job?
Regards!
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Thanks everybody! My babies
Thanks everybody! My babies name is Liam Joseph - and yes, I agree, my husband is crazy for messing with this momma bear, my child will be my priority, even if it means getting a divorce to make sure that he does not grow up in an unhealthy home. You all are wonderful!
NoDoormat - I have tried to
NoDoormat - I have tried to talk to my husband about these issues, he just doesn't see it. I finally told him that we have different values, ones that we will never agree on, and we need to BOTH compromise. I am willing to compromise, but I will not be the only one. I also told him that if only one of us does the compromising than eventually resentment will build (and it already has with me) and our marriage will fail anyways.
My husband finally told his son that the room will be for the baby, and that if he ever decides to move back in they would figure something out. He also left his son with the opportuinity to voice his concerns if he has any. So this one problem is solved, until the next one arises. I hate the cycle, and fear that it will never end.
My husband has finally cut him off financially except for paying for school and his cell phone bill. Not too long ago his son who doesn't work wanted him to co-sign for a loan so he could get an appartment, new computer, and money for living expenses. This is right after he TOLD his father that he won't work while he is in school because he doesn't have time (he takes 15 credit hours, I took 12 and worked 60 hours a week), and in the summer he will only work part time. My husbands excuse for his son is that he "really believes that he doesn't have the time".
His son's rabbit was stored in the room, his son refusing to put it in a cage, would come by a few days a week to feed it. The rabbit was deficating where ever it wanted, I put my foot down and said that the rabbit HAD to be caged when he wasn't home. This pushed my step-son into physically fighting his father, and he would not come and pick up the dirty cage or his mess in the room so we could get the carpets cleaned. My husband ended up doing it. I don't understand why my husband continues to let this behavior continue...all along thinking I am wrong for setting boundaries in the house WE live in. Ugh...time will tell.