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SD20 text DH she wants to relocate, but there's just one problem . . .

SoTired1's picture

So, it's been 3-weeks since my DH, me & our babies returned from our visit to Florida (where SD20 lives). This visit was basically a rekindle between SD20 & me (we have had estranged situations of severe drama that lasted for over 5-years & we didn't speak or see each other during that time). It's been over a year now that I've forgiven my SD for all the hurt & pain she's caused me & my DH; and whenever she reaches out to me via Facebook, I tread lightly [as my trust for her is not there]. We live over 600 miles away from Florida and yesterday my SD sent a text message to my DH that she wants to relocate from Florida to [move in] with us. I later received notifications from her via Facebook of which she had 'tagged me' in a conversation post saying, "So I Think Its Bout That Time I Made My Decision ... to relocate, In December ??? Closer To My Other Fam; I Think I Need A Change In Scenery !! She had over 20 responses of which she was telling her friends what city she'll be moving to and that she just need a change. I'm not happy about this at all because [deep down inside] I don't want her to [live] with us . . . to visit is one thing, but to live? How long will she live here? I mean she's not a good girl (in terms of her extra curricular involvements with illegal drugs (including pills), alcohol consumption, & smoking. My DH & I have 2 children (3.5-year-old & 5-month-old). Our eldest is so impressionable right now that he imitates 'EVERYTHING!' which concerns me strongly. SD20, has a couple of friends in our area (based on her post) and she loves to party/club & for late hours. My DH is rarely home because he works all the time (workaholic), so this means I'll be the one SD will be under [all the time]. How do I handle this situation when I know I don't want her living with us on a permanent basis (only for a visit, like a week or two)? I'm afraid if I agreed to her moving in that I'll be opening up a can of worms. She's a young adult & I'm not in the position to discipline her or even guide her, so I surely cannot tell her what to do. With our small children in our home, I don't want to have to deal with her late hour returning to our home (after clubing) or her bringing her friends around (drug users, etc.). I just expect the worst & I'm afraid . . . my DH is not happy because I'm not comfortable with having his daughter to move in. I think it's best that she remain in Florida; her very own BM kicked her out after she graduated high school & told her that she needs to make a life for herself. So if her very own mom don't want her to live with her, why should I feel comfortable letting her move in (considering the lifestyle she lives)? I have nothing against lesbians, etc but she's a lesbian & vulgar about her sexually (very explicit pictures & words posted throughout her Facebook page). I have strong concerns that she would want to bring her lovers to my home & that she may behave inappropriatel in the presence of our 3-year-old. This is a very brief version of the ordeal but any advice would be greatly appreciated. What should I do?????

Willow2010's picture

Oh no. Make rules!!
DH and I made an agreement that for any kid to live with us after they graduate high school they had to be in college full time and hold down a part time job. Maybe try to tell your DH that you both need to talk and make rules before she is allowed to move in.

She may not want to move in once she knows the rules….here is a small list.
1). Must work and go to college.
2). She is not allowed visitors unless she asked in advance and NO one can sleep over.
3). She will have set chores every week. (I don’t suggest a lot if she is working and going to school.)
4). No food or drinks in bedroom. Must always keep the common areas free from her clutter.
Ect.ect.ect
I can understand your DH wanting to have his kid there, but does he not know what type of person she is?

SoTired1's picture

Thank you, Willow, for your response. I never thought of preparing a list because I never made it pass the thought of agreeing to this 'would be possible' mayhem. Uugh!! I really don't like being in this predicament. And, yes, DH knows [exactly] what type of person his DD is; however, he wants to live is 'la la land' when it comes to her. You know the type of parents that believe their [precious] children could do no wrong. Also, I think he's stuck in the past (seeing her as if she's 'still' his little girl), SMH. I looked at SD's pictures this morning on Facebook & was sickened to my stomach . . . she's too vulgar & she's too "ghetto!" & I don't mean "ghetto-fabulous" as the saying goes . . . I mean, 'hood-ghetto". I don't want this type of person [living] with me in our home (especially due to our babies . . . & DH wants baby #3; SMH). That would neva' happen if his precious DD moved in.

Jsmom's picture

She is 20 years old. She needs to be in a college or trade school. I would have rules and a timeline of when she is leaving or she doesn't move in at all. Honestly, if it were me this would be a no way on my part....

SoTired1's picture

Jsmom, "No way!" was my immediate thought. Then I said, "Lord, give me strength!" repeatedly because I know how my DH feels about his DD (been down that road countless times). I know how he's capable of becoming cold to me & at times (our then only child). I just don't want to go down that road again, feeling threatened that he'll kiss our marriage goodbye due to his DD's antics, SMH. Too much painful drama in the past. What concerns me most is where did SD20 get the impression that I'd want her to move in? The nerve of her & then to post something like that on FB (additionally) to text this desire to her dad is not only cowardice but also ridiculous. At 20 years old, moving into her father's home (with his small children & wife) should be the last thing on her mind). I just don't get it but I know I sense trouble & that nothing good is in her plans.

SoTired1's picture

Wow!!!! Catalina, it feels so good to recognize that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I actually felt violated (if that makes any sense). And, that's exactly what SD20 did when SHE text'd her dad & posted her conversation on FB [tagging me 1st in her discussion]. I don't think so . . . I'm usually (rarely) at a lost for words, but when it comes to DH's DD & her antics, I just don't know what to say due to treading mildy because I don't want to trigger DH or cause him to think that I'm (once again being unreasonable or the meany-pants). Of course, over the years, he's always condemned me as being mean & unreasonable. But, like I told him last night; that he's always felt 'negatively' about my responses to his DD. We didn't argue about this issue but the air was so thick between us you could cut it with a knife. I will definitely put your advice to use, thank you. Dirol

Sweetnothings's picture

Do not let her move in.....this is such a bad idea.....and once Adult Skids get their foot in the door, it is hard to get them out again....believe me I know......

She is trying to control everybody, to her advantage......if my Sd21 started being friendly and VERY nice to me I would smell a giant sized rat !!!! ( this is after years of problems with her, not just a case of two people not getting on, etc)

If she comes to " visit " and wants to stay in the area, she will think it is GIVEN that she can move in with you guys.....these types of Skids are SO ENTITLED !!! Cannot believe your DH has just not said NO !! WTF ???

Make DH tell her and say it is because you have small children, etc, etc, and that maybe he can offer some help another way( there has got to be another way!!)

My Sd21 wants to come back to this country after finishing her education, but I am never living with her again, and DH has promised me this AND every so often I steer the conversation to this topic again, just to keep it fresh in his head, so there will be no chances of it EVER happening....... He is a classic guilty Dad, and is always " changing" his mind about Sd21 and used to tell me one thing and do another ( you'll see that happens to a lot of people on here!) Not anymore, I always make sure we are on the same page.....and at the moment( about 4 months since our last fight about Sd21 ) we are ok.

Delilah's picture

Yes I was going to suggest the fact you have very young children as a really good reason to not allow your sd to move in!

I think your DH has a nerve to even think you are wrong for not wanting this, firstly your history with sd is not good and only recently have you started to build some sort of amicable relationship with her, secondly your DH works all the time so he wouldnt have to put up with her crap instead it will all be on you when you already have your hands full with young children!

Unbelievable! Dont even consider it, say no. Your sd is not a child, she is an adult. Certainly, your sd maybe missing out on a family and that could be one reason for her wanting to get closer to you all - however while you cant stop her from moving to your area in order to see her younger siblings and her dad, where the hell did she get the idea you wanted her to move in? Plus I think its beyond inappropriately rude of her to just announce this without discussing things in details prior to cornering you on facebook! This makes me cynical and sounds like her behaviour smacks of desparation, possibly excitement but also she has presented this to you and placed you in a difficult situation in announcing it over facebook (a tad manipulative I think). DH is so desperate for thinks to be ok and to have a relationship with his daughter, and for her to be near him he will agree to anything plus in his head probably thinks are sorted after your successful holiday (as much as it could be given your history).

Honestly, you need to do the following:

Be shocked verbally with sd that she seems to think she is moving in - ask her where she got that idea, as thats not possible given your responsibilities with the babies.

Secondly, while I am sure you dont want her living near you as that may cause more problems and due to your history (dont blame you for that) perhaps you could state if she wants to move to florida then maybe she confused your encouragement of that fact as agreement to moving in?!! Smooth it over with her and be positive about her moving to Florida (lie if you have to, because if she is definately moving to Florida to live on her own then make your life easier by smoothing it all over). No way would I allow anyone to put me in the bad guy role, particularly when I think both sd and DH must be on crack if they think the way this has just be decided for you is appropriate and acceptable :jawdrop:

Thirdly - tell DH without a trace of guilt - NO- even if you feel guilt (which honestly you shouldnt) dont show DH as he will jump on this to use to his advantage in order to try and get his way. Cite the fact he works, you have the babies and sd's behaviour in past (although obviously touch on the fact that you and sd are re-building your relationship which is great). In addition, doesnt DH want you to have a good relationship with sd and in turn with her siblings?!! Well, should she move in ALL that will be in jeopardy - whats more important? I think long term relationships. Say you dont want that to happen. These are all completely reasonable decisions why this WILL NOT HAPPEN. I would also tell DH if he even dares throw you under the bus over this with sd either, then there will be hell.

Sometimes when people completely cross over appropriate lines then they need reminding of them.

SoTired1's picture

Delilah, thank you so much for your much appreciated response. Smile You've given me some good suggestions that I will incorporate into handling this ordeal. This is why I'm so thankful to Steptalk.org because of the many women here offering such great insight in how to handle the various issues surrounding the life of being a stepparent. One of my friends told me that I was being unreasonable because I should have known that by my DH having 2 kids the day would come that they'd want or need to live with us. And I told her that I actually never considered it because both kids have their BMs & there would be no need for them to live with DH on a permanent basis . . . she thought I was wrong & that I was being unfair (not considering his feelings). But, she's wrong . . . I do consider his feelings which is partly why I became so upset because I knew he would become upset as well . . . but I'm just not cut from the cloth of compromising my happiness under such circumstances. I've never had a roommate in my life & I just don't want to share my home with another [woman]; SD or no SD . . . she's too grown for me (flippant) always have been from the very first day I met her at age 10, SMDH. Thank you again, for your response. Dirol

Madamx28's picture

Your friend told you that you should have KNOWN they'd need/want to come live with you? As an adult??? And you're supposed to just ACCEPT this? What is wrong with society? Since when is it "ok" for adult children to move back home with "mommy or daddy" because they feel like they need a change or want an easier time in life or want to be pampered? Life is hard - suck it up, buttercup! I can understand if they're going thru a tough time and need a place to live temporarily while they get back on their feet. As long as they're trying to become independent again, then I don't have an issue with helping them out, but only TEMPORARILY. I don't understand why kids WANT to move back with their parents after having a taste of freedom, I just don't get it. I also don't get why parents what to encourage that behaviour. Isn't the point of raising your kids and sending them to school is so they can go out in the world and make a life of their own, contribute to society as best as they can and on their own two feet as much as possible? So why do these parents want to keep them at home even though they are grown adults?

I'll never understand this and if I'm ever single again I'll never get involved with a man with children again! Not a chance!

SoTired1's picture

My sentiments EXACTLY Sweetnothings. I feel [strongly] about not agreeing to this wanted desire of my SD, no way. When I was her age, living with my parents was the last thing on my mind. In fact, I was looking for my very own place & I remember my mom becoming so angry that I wanted to move out (she saw me filling out leasing applications) & kicked me out because she didn't want me to leave . . . if that makes any sense, lol. When I tell you that after leaving my mom's home, I never looked back . . . I kept it progressing forward. Therefore, SD, makes no sense to me that she'd want to move in with us (especially considering our past). Trust me . . . if you ladies knew my whole story you'd really be raising hell about her sudden desire to move in . . . this is no good & my initial response to my DH last night about how his DD wanting to move in with us is that I felt nervous . . . then he challenged that statement & with further thought I told him that I felt highly uncomfortable about the thought of this & that I couldn't sacrifice my happiness only to make someone else happy I told him that I would be miserable & that if I'm not happy no one will be happy. You all know the adage, "If mama's not happy, no one is happy!" That is such a true saying & if many men will realize this, relationships would be ever so much more fulfilling for that man & everyone in the household. Smile

trystme's picture

Nothing good can come from her moving in with you guys. Only bad things will come to you. This is such a hard situation to be in. When SD was 19 she moved in with us. My DD was just a baby. She ended up moving back home after 9 months, thank goodness. Then at 28 she wanted to move back in with us. Ummm, NO WAY. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and say HELL NO!

SoTired1's picture

Trystme, thank you for your response. I've entertained all sorts of thoughts surrounding my SD wanting to move here (I mean a relocation,is she kidding me?). What she doesn't realize {SHE} as well as the BMs were the motivation to [my] encouraging DH to relocate from Florida. Me & DH are originally from Florida; and, as a desperate attempt to salvage our then newly marriage (by the grace of God) I was able to encourage DH towards relocation. I never told him (to this date) the [real] reason for my desire to relocate back then, but as a woman sometimes we really need to handle our business; which is what I did almost 6 years ago. Having said that, if I left Florida due to SD's antics, disrespect (let's just sum it all to one word: DRAMA), why would I agree to her [NOW] moving into our home that's over 600 miles away from Florida? Ummmm, just like you said . . . NO WAY & HELL NO!!!! She needs to live her life & make a life for herself. She needs to stop being so immature & grow up. To think she's going to move into our home & come & go as she pleases (working when she feels like it, because she dropped out of college ... another long story) . . . I'll never agree to that. Thank you again for your response. Smile

Sweetnothings's picture

I left home at 17, was working two jobs AND still in fulltime education, PLUS doing extra babysitting on the side...... SD21 has never worked for more than ten hours for more than four weeks.....

Another Summer is slipping by....still no work found.....no Summer job even.....gee, looking for work does seem to interfer with sitting on the Internet ALL night, eating junk food, living with the sap / bf, and just getting bigger and more unhealthy !!!

cannot even bring this up with DH anymore, as he just thinks I am being negative or nasty......if it was anyone else freeloading........PUR-LEESE !!!!!!

Madamx28's picture

LOL, I hear ya on allof that, esp the bit about DH and freeloading. My BF would be the exact same way if he saw the crap that goes on in our house going on in our neighbours.

SoTired1's picture

I hear you, NoDoormat! You may not know this but it feels so.... good to have my feelings validated. My DH has a tendency to try to make me feel like [I'm] the one being unreasonable & I know that's not the case. This SD of mine never ceases to amaze me . . . she has this entitlement syndrome thingy going on really badly. I will not tolerate it now & never have. I feel the same way as you've indicated that my marriage to my DH will end if SD moves in & then our 2-sons will become [yet] another statistic, SMH. I think he's really concerned about my feelings (this time around) . . . he's really surprising me. His initial response was exactly like you said (COLD TO ME) & I thought to myself that this is the type of crap I don't need in my life by having this grown, young adult, female moving into my home disrupting the peace, serenity, & harmony . . . no way. The next morning before DH left for work he seemed more like the loving DH I married & since then he's just been showing concern for my feelings & welfare. He asked me if I had spoken to my SM (I guess he wanted to see if I'd spoken to family members about his DD's imposing desire to move in our home). But I hadn't spoken with my SM, instead I spent the day out of the home with our babies (specifically attending to our 3-year-old) to play at one of his fave places (Chuck E Cheese). Monday night DH & I talked briefly about his DD's nonsense and I told him that I wouldn't be able to agree to his DD moving in. Like you said, NoDoormat, SD20 is grown & there is no way 2-women could live together (unless they're domestic partners). I have always lived by myself pre-marriage & I struggled in merging lives with my DH (& I'm in love with him), so you can imagine that it's not going to work with a SD trying to intrude into our personal life. No way, no how.
Here's a little SN about this situation that makes me even more upset that SD would make such an attempt. When DH & I first married (over 6-years-ago), SD's BM came to me (1-day-before my wedding) saying, "I think this is a good time for SD to come live with her dad!" I was so shocked I couldn't believe my ears . . . all the drama you could think of happened & I can write a book about. I actually thought we would end in divorce during our fourth year of marriage behind the drama of his DD & the BM. DH, BM & SD was upset with me because I wouldn't agree to SD moving in. Can you believe that this so-called BM actually wanted SD to move in with me & DH immediately after my wedding day? When & how were we supposed to enjoy being newlyweds with the responsibility of a (then almost 14-year-old)? No ma'am I was not going to agree to something like that [back then]; therefore, you know I'm not going to agree to it now. Any one with common sense would know this right? This girl has always been immature, silly, & selfish. SMDH!

Shannon61's picture

Good for you. Continue to stand your ground. If you let her move in, your marriage will indeed be over. I was in a similar situation w/SD(27) and DH. I moved in w/them after we got married (3 years ago), against my better judgement. The adage 2 women should never live together is so true. I convinced DH we should get rent a place for her so we'd have our privacy. Her feelings were hurt. Then I recommended she move in w/BM. They don't get along well and DH stressed "but she lives w/me now." So I agreed to it.

To her credit, SD is basically a good girl. She doesn't smoke, rarely drinks or parties and was in school for her degree when I moved in. However she was lazy, selfish, manipulative, mean spirited, petty and not someone I would be proud to call my SD, so we didn't have a good relationship. She took many of BM's negative traits because my DH is just the opposite. She would feign fien illness to get DH's attention and if we'd leave during one of her "episodes", we'd return to find out she'd went to her fiances. This is just a tip of the iceburg of her behavior.

The plan was she'd finish, get a job, and move out. She finished school, pretended to look for work for a year, finally found a job and recently . . reluctantly moved out because I did everything in my power to remind her it was time to go. DH didn't want to give her a move out date because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. So I'd started saving my money to move next year just in case things didn't work out for her she's getting married), and she decided to stay on longer.

The last 3 years of my life were the most difficult I've had thus far. Many days I spent locked away in our bedroom, mad at DH, resenting SD and angry at myself for ending up in such a miserable situation. I too felt that BM was getting off easy as she has a home and had room for SD. But when SD was 14, she told DH to come and get her and she then made her bedroom a libary so she wouldn't have a room to come back to. DH has had custody every since. So I got stuck with a lazy annoying SD. And I couldn't really enjoy the first few years of my marriage because of all the conflict she caused. Whatever you do, don't let this trainwreck move in w/you and your family.

trystme's picture

My SD somehow thought that relocating was going to fix all her problems and relocating near Daddy was the easiest place to go. The problem is that she brought all of her old habits and lifestyle with her and nothing has gotten better for her at all.