You are here

Relocation Hearing is Behind Us -- Seems Unreal

SAHsigh's picture

I'm trying to wrap my head around the last four months but it's rather incomprehensible right now. BM told us back in April that she was offered a job 800 miles away. (BM has constantly been looking for ways to move away...) First, she brought DH and I to her house for a meeting with her and her husband to discuss this job offer. I think she was hoping we'd move with them or something but we made it clear we weren't willing to do that. Then she made it sound like she was going to move away and leave twin SS/SD8 with DH and I so she could accept this job offer and move away. We had already been casually looking for a new house within the twins' school district (the border was less than a mile from our current house and we'd grown out of it) but suddenly we needed to get a house right away so twins' wouldn't change schools. We got a house (one we are rather pleased with, too...) It's worth noting that BM's employer caught wind of her job interviews and decided to finally can her with this last one.

It didn't take long for BM to have a change of heart and she told DH that she consulted with an attorney to relocate with the twins. Our attorney petitioned for a guardian ad litem (boy, that ticked BM off...) and the report from the GAL concluded that the twins should stay rather than relocate. The report also scolded her for manipulating twins into believing they would see family that wouldn't be close to where BM wanted to relocate, particularly my family. (SS/SD are rather close to my family regardless of the distance and the "step" status. I have a great family and the GAL figured out what BM was trying to do and scolded her for it in the report. It wasn't easy trying to deal with the stress of all of this while also having BM try to use my family against DH and myself for her own gain.)

BM decided to take her chances and go to court anyway.

After purchasing a house, moving, a GAL report, two and a half days in court, and all the stress/heartache it caused everyone, the judge determined that the twins will stay here. Judge was quite specific on his admonishment that BM was being very selfish with this move; she was trying to eliminate a very stable family structure SKs had in two homes; bio parents and step parents were all very loving and supportive; DH, BM, and stepparent all got along for sake of SKs; and she wanted to throw it all away for a modest raise and to eliminate dealing with blended family arrangements. They just started school this week and we are slowly settling into a new routine. BM moved away officially (she thought there was no way she would lose) and she's gone -- sorta. She bought the twins iPad minis before leaving town and told DH that it was "illegal" for him to interfere with them in anyway and she could contact twins whenever she wanted, etc... She sent some parenting plan proposal that was so restrictive that DH would have needed to ask her permission for even so much as a trip to see grandparents or go to an amusement park. Our attorney assured us that she's blowing smoke -- iPads can be used at our discretion and we just have to keep contact with BM in a fashion where the court would consider it "reasonable" (e.g. a few minutes a night, half hour every other night, points where it doesn't interfere with, you know, family stuff.)

DH is going to file for CS soon. He knows it's going to cause a new sh*tstorm but he's right, she should support the kids, she knew this was going to happen if she lost, and she probably would have done worse to him/us. It's going to be hard to get used to this -- it still seems so unreal. We went from a 50/50 arrangement to 80/20 in so little time. I really feel for the twins -- they've never gone this long without seeing BM, they won't see their other siblings as often (half brothers aged 16 and 2). Poor SKs...

twoviewpoints's picture

I had wondered how the relocation plans and whether the kids would be going was progressing. Really glad the children were able to stay put.

I can't imagine up and moving away from such young kids.

Rags's picture

Congratulations on getting a decent Judge and on a great outcome.

That said, I am fine with the CP or NCP relocating as long as the one moving clearly owns the decision and all that it entails.

In our case from the begining DW was the CP with full legal and physical custody and BioDad had either local EOWE visitation or long distance visitation of 7wks per year (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring). Even before DH left the state for college when SS was 14mos old the SpermIdiot rarely saw the Skid. Regardless of local or long distance each party was responsible for getting the kid to their location so the SpermClan owned getting him to them, and we owned getting him home. So, it did not matter where we lived and we never asked permission. We just moved and notified the SpermClan of our new address and contact info once we moved. SpermIdiot moved once for about 18mos and never notifie us. His visitation went on as usual with SS going to SpermGrandHag's place. Had we known of the move we would have certainly required that SS go to the SpermIdiot's location for visitation. Since we found out about it years after the fact it was a non issue.

When DH hits BM for CS that should be very interesting. Keep us updated on that when it happens. Please and thank you.

Thumper's picture

Happy for your outcome.

Mom can try to micro manage your home all she wants but she cant anymore than you can when the kids will be with her. Try to remember that.

It would be a great idea to offer specific days for FaceTime and not a free for all. Maybe Monday Wed and Sundays at 7pm for 30min? Its reasonable to be specific and unreasonable to call everyday, all day long.

Does your husbands ex realize that DH does NOT have to allow the ipads in his home if he does not want to? Same goes for phones if she hands them out to the kids.

Take a deep breath and exhale....
(offer to agree to paying for the kids to fly back to YOU and she will pay for the kids to go to her and give her all of summer)

If she use to be a residence of the state you live in I bet she will move back.

SAHsigh's picture

No one in either of SKs' families, with the exception of BM's new husband, is originally from the area. She moved sorta back to where she's from. She's 800 miles from where SKs consider home but about 3.5 hours from anyone she knew from before she relocated to this area. I think the idea right now is that all airfare costs will be split or DH will meet her at a mutually agreeable half way point if we drive.

FaceTime, the iPads, iMessages, and the like are still pretty new. We are trying to play it by ear. We've both agreed it would be foolish to let kids so young have unfettered access to technology. I'm glad our attorney got back to us -- BM is such a pain and it helps knowing from our attorney where we can, essentially roll our eyes at her.

I don't know if she'll ever come back. She burned a lot of major bridges in her field here when she was canned and this isn't a very large market. She's closer to her family and old friends and she'd been gunning to get back to that area since she located here about 6 years ago. I know one of the major perks with the job she took was after, I think, four years, they'd pay off her sizable student loans. So, I guess we will have a better idea about it in four years?

I don't really want her back but the best thing for SKs was that we continued with the arrangement that was already in place. They had two equally involved homes with four involved and loving bio/step-parents. It wasn't easy on (step)parents, but everyone did a pretty decent job of shielding SKs from parental disagreements and we did a good job of getting along.