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Pregnant Adult Step Daughter

cdeb1001's picture

My step daughter is 23 years old. She lives with my husband and myself. I have been "mom" since she was about 13 years old. As she has gotten older, she has become more and more disrespectful to me and I no longer feel like "mom". My husband had a stroke about 3 years ago and the relationship with my stepdaughters has been on edge since that day. My husband didnt get awarded SSI until January of this year, so I have been the provider in our family for the last 3 years. I work long hours and 2 jobs to make ends meet. My step daughters are both adults now but still live in our house. Neither one has worked fulltime since entering adulthood, and I have been supporting all 4 of us. Back in February of this year, my husband was talked into allowing our oldest daughters boyfriend to stay with us, he is a complete BUM. He didn't have a job for the 1st 2 months and my stepdaughter wasn't trying hard to make enough money for them to move out on their own. Found out about a month ago that my stepdaughter is pregnant, I am furious and I want her and her boyfriend gone. I cannot take on anymore financial responsibility and they are not trying to even get fulltime jobs so they can get out on their own. I have made it clear to my husband that I am not going to be taking care of another child physically or financially, but he doesn't seem to get how bad our situation has been up until this point. I have also told the stepdaughter that this child is not our responsibility and she and her boyfriend need to step up and find a way to be out on their own. While I feel bad for their situation, I know that I cannot do anymore but I feel like my husband feels obligated to continue for them to live with us and for us to help provide for this child. How do I not allow this situation to ruin my marriage if my husband continues to be on their side? I cannot allow them to drag me down into their mess, we already struggle so badly fiancially as it is.

bedazzled's picture

You have to take care of you. Nobody else is. I feel very bad for you. What a rough situation to be in. If they stay and have the baby there you will end up taking care of it. Your husband needs to stand by you and insist they act as the adults they are and be responsible for themselves. 

If they are still in your home you will never get rid of them. They will have built in babysitters. They need to launch now before baby comes.

NotURMomma's picture

You are being used. Lawyer up and FLEE! You are young enough to get a "do-over" and find a good man who doesn't have prior spawn baggage. Thank God to you didn't have kids with this a$$hole.

fedupinwa's picture

Get out.  You are not responsible to support everyone!  Why should you work 2 jobs?  You don't need two jobs to support yourself.  Run away from this clan of losers!

 

SecondNoMore's picture

I think if your husband doesn't understand how unreasonable the burden on you has been, it's time to consider moving on. I would say it's ultimatum time, however unpleasant those might be.

And can I just point out that when a child (adult or otherwise) wants their BF or GF to move into their parents' house and the parent goes along with it, that is a BRIGHT RED FLAG. It is an indicator that everyone involved (the kid, the SO, the parent) has awful boundaries and no sense. I don't know how many times I read that situation here. I can't believe anyone lets it happen.

Kes's picture

I am surprised your DH is OK with you having being the provider not just for him in the last 3 yrs but for his freeloading family members as well.  I agree with previous poster, it's ultimatum time.   Your SD has been an adult for 5 yrs and is well beyond the point where she should be sitting in your house like a giant cuckoo, beak ever open, and now there are more beaks, including her sister, boyfriend and the forthcoming baby.  I really think it is time for the gravy train to run into the buffers, and for you to start looking out for yourself, not acting as a workhorse for this pile of losers. 

hereiam's picture

How do I not allow this situation to ruin my marriage if my husband continues to be on their side?

Your husband is the one who is allowing the situtation to ruin your marriage. What kind of a man allows his wife to be used like this?

cdeb1001's picture

Thank you everyone for the advise. I love these kids like my own but get trampled on constantly. I didnt know if my feeling were warranted but I feel better now having everyone back me up.

Left out mama's picture

That is a rough situation.

Bedazzled is right...you need to take care of you. They are taking you for everything you are worth. They will do this as long as you allow it. It is hard, because your DH wants to be loyal to his kids and wants to be supportive, as a good dad should be. Explain to him that allowing them to freeload is not helping them. It is hurting them. They are not developing skills they need to develop as productive adults. Let him know that because you love his kids so much, you are not going to enable them, but instead allow them to be the independant and responsible adults they deserve to be! AND PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!!! You are the one working, busting your ass. It is your money you are earning.If you dont want to spend it on them, then dont!!

There are things you can do... if they are not contributing to utilities.... change the wifi password. Until they can start paying for internet, dont give them free access to what your pay for. They will be getting jobs or moving out quickly with this one. If they are on your phone plan, take them off if they arent paying. As far as groceries... let them know that if they did not go to the store and buy it themselves with thier money then it is not thier food to eat. If they do then they are thieves. Spell it out in a FIRM way.. You are not thier personal bank, you work hard for YOUR money and will no longer spend it on them.

As far as the SD boyfriend... screw him, Pack his shit and tell him the get the F out if your house. He can go mouch of his family. You owe him no loyalty

Good luck and please keep us updated.

cdeb1001's picture

I think this pregnancy was no accident. That's the sad thing, brining yet another child into thi world for the system and tax payers to take care of. It's really sad that I helped raise this type of person. I am embarrassed to call her mine now after everything.

Rags's picture

You DH isn't contributing so how can he stipulate that YOU support his breeder spawn and her sperm donor?

Time to give them an 1 week notice to GTF out and grow up.

Do it. Don't discuss it with DH. You are the earner, you make the demand on SD to launch. Daddy can move in with her and her breeder buddy if he takes issue with it.

smh

cdeb1001's picture

I have contemplated give the official ultimatum. I love my husband and I love my SDs but I'm officially burnt out on cring for everyone all the time. My HD doesnt want me to kick out the kids because he was kicked out, the difference I he was 15, they are both adults. We have struggled financially for a long time, problem is he likes to spend money too. So I'm paying for complete BS. Yes, he brings in some money through SSI, but not near the same as he did when he worked fulltime. He says I treat him like a child because I dknt allow him to just spend every time we have. Just very bad situation all the way around. So glad I found a group that has gone through some of the same struggles that I have, makes me feel less lone through all of this.

Siemprematahari's picture

Is this your house or are you renting?

This story would make me want to pack up my sh!t and leave all the f@kery behind. You are supporting grown @ss adults and no one has any consideration for all you've done. You are enabling your H and his sorry kids to continue taking advantage of you.

Leave this shit show and never look back. You can do bad ALL by yourself!

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Lawyer up first, and discuss option of selling up with your solicitor and moving to a one bed house. If it’s a rental it’s a no brainer give notice and find one bed house where kids can’t follow. If it’s mortgage and your name isn’t on it run ( with appropriate legal advice) as you are being used. If it’s joint mortgage, you could tell partner you aren’t going to work two jobs and stay there.

at the end of the day it’s up to you. But these kids are taking the Mickey - you could move and let your partner know that he could move with you if you still want him, or move on your own.   If it’s your house  get a solicitor to get them to move out

 

 

 

cdeb1001's picture

We own our house together. Its complicated because hes disabled, If i leave and he doesnt want to come with me, I would likely have to provide spousal support because he has a disability. It's hard when you do love the freeloaders, just want them to grow up and be independent and leave my HB and I to ourselves.

atsecondplace's picture

Would spousal support be more or less than what you're paying now? Because it's a useless threat if it's already been executed. At its most, spousal support means you pay for one person. Right now you're paying for 5, soon to be 6. You, DH, two SDs, SD's partner and soon a baby.

If you are going to give the ultimatum then be prepared for the worse case scenario but it may be the kick up the backside your DH needs to realise there's no way there's enough money to support his freeloaders. 

Option 1) Life as it is. Money is tight. Not enough to support his freeloaders

Option 2) You leave him. On his single income - Not enough to support his freeloaders

Option 3)  You leave him. You contribute to spousal support - Still not enough to support his freeloaders

hereiam's picture

Boot the freeloaders out, what is your husband going to do about it? He cannot afford to support them, so......