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Paying "keep"

thebluehen's picture

I'm in the UK and have 4 step children and one child of my own.

The eldest step daughter is 18 and working full time. She lives with us part time; about a third of the time.

My partner is reluctant to take any money from her or ask her to contribute in any way.

My son is 16 as is the second step daughter who both live with us full time and when they are working I don't want them to say that eldest step daughter didn't contribute so why should they?

Eldest step daughter is already incredibly insecure, jealous and entitled. She walks into my home, ignores me and works her way through all the kitchen cupboards and fridges to help herself to something without asking.

She takes food from my home for her lunch instead of buying it when she's out. When she is in my home, she lays on the sofa ALL weekend and ignores us, if she doesn't ignore us, she is arrogant and often makes snidy comments about how life is better at Mums. I do her laundry and always cook for the family, she will be asked to wipe up the dishes once in 4 days. That's it.

I don't want her to become even more entitled by thinking that because she pays a nominal amount, she is entitled to everything and anything. However, the last straw was when she is helping herself to my half drunk can of cider without asking or giving me a second thought.

I wish she would just come for dinner once a week and go back to Mums. I could cope with her behaviour if she were a "visitor" but she's supposedly part of the family but without any of the drudgery.

What do other people do in the same position?

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Stop doing her laundry!! She is too clean up after herself. you are not her personal maid. Tell her if she wants to lay around go lay on her bed, not the common area. Take back control of your house.

thebluehen's picture

Yes, I will stop doing her laundry, good idea. Although I am slightly worried she will bring all her laundry from her Mums and do it at ours! :O

Her plans? She talks about moving in with her boyfriend but she talks a lot of shit, to be honest, she's incapable of doing much for herself, I can't see her leaving home for a long time yet. She doesn't plan on going back into education. She earns more than I do. We are paying for her mobile phone, bought her a car, car insurance and she seems to expect us to take her out somewhere for dinner once a fortnight.

How do you work out rent for a "part time" step adult?

Rags's picture

This is a tough one IMHO. What we did with SS-22 when he graduated from HS was give him until he turned 18 to either be in college or have a job. He decided he wanted neither. He was far more interested in wrestling our sofa in to submission. So, we turned him in to our beck and call boy/chore bitch. We worked that kid’s ass off. He scrubbed toilets, vacuumed, swept, mopped, dusted, scrubbed, painted, scrubbed toilets again, did the laundry, folded it and put it away, he washed windows, prepped all of the meals, washed the entire outside of the house with a hose and scrub brush, did paint touch up on the fence, eaves, soffits, etc..

We did not kick him out, he did not pay rent but he for sure earned his keep. We wore his ass out so bad that he finally enlisted in the USAF rather than stay as our in house laborer and beck and call resource.

If he had gotten a job we would have let him stay without paying rent or buying food for a reasonable time while also working as our chore bitch. If he had applied for college we would have paid for it all including room board. He was mature and self aware enough to know he was not ready to study and that it would be a waste of his time and our money and that is exactly what he told his mom and I.

I would suggest that if your SD-18 wants to graze on everything in the house at will that she pay for 5% (1/3 of 1/7 of the bill since there are 7 people in the home and she is only there 1/3 of the time) of the household food bill . She does not take up the entire house or sofa. Charge her a token amount of rent. She is a member of the household (a semi adult member) and she treats everyone else with respect and pulls her weight. Or she launches to a life on her own (or crashes at mom's).

IMHO when a kid finishes HS and turns 18 the goal of parenting shifts from raising them to launching them in to the world to figure out the rest of it on their own time and their own dime. In our case if SS had gone to school we would have gladly paid for it including living in a dorm or at home with us. Since he chose a different path we have his back but he has to work through the rest of growing up on his own.

Good luck.

AllySkoo's picture

I'm with Scubed. Where's your DH? Because, yes, I agree that an adult with a job should either be living on their own or contributing to the household they live in, it's not going to work if her Dad tells her she's got a free ride. You and DH have to be on the same page, so you've got to start with him. If he flatly refuses to help her launch, then you start doing NOTHING for her (or for your DH, honestly) - if he wants to enable her, she's his problem. That means you charge HIM for food she eats, you tell HIM to do her laundry or clean up after her, and when she's crashed out on your living room sofa you tell HIM to get her out of the common area so other people can use it. If your DH is just trying to avoid pissing her off at this point, you need to make him see he's got a choice - piss her off, or piss YOU off. It's probably in his best interest to NOT piss off the woman he's actually going to be living with for the rest of his life, as his daughter will eventually move on. (At least she BETTER!)

Orange County Ca's picture

Some parents are smart enough to realize that collecting room and board is to teach self-reliance. It isn't the money. Tell him she can pay the money and the rent portion of it will go in a savings account unknown to her. When she marries it can be given back.

But most kids if they're going to pay rent anyway move out. If they're going to pay they might as well get away from the parents while they're at it.

thebluehen's picture

The trouble is she is still conforming to a court order meant for her younger siblings. She still comes at set times and behaves like a 10 year old in this regard.

My DP has told me to "wait and see" how things go. Meaning he didn't think she would commit to a job but she has now been at work for 3 months, so I think it's time to make some changes. I know he is frightened that she won't come and see him if we don't make life as comfortable as possible for her. He is very insecure about her as he doesn't see his son, so is frightened of "losing" another child. If he demands money or that she pull her weight, she may well think, "well sod this, I won't bother coming any more". I wouldn't be devastated but he would!

What I don't want to do is give her any more of a sense of entitlement. So if she pays £50 or £100 a month, all of a sudden she thinks she can just help herself to anything because "she's paid for it". If she lived with us full time it would be more simple but she's supposedly part of the family but treated like a pampered guest - a rude one at that!

I had thought about asking her to provide a meal and cook it for us once a fortnight but I suspect she would "forget" or cook the most vile food that no-one wanted. She's good at playing games.

I could ask her to bring us some wine or buy the laundry powder or something but she would buy something we didn't want.

I could ask her to do more around the house, but she already tries to behave like the "lady of the house" and I feel that she is trying to push me out.

But she needs to contribute financially somehow and practically, it's finding a way that I can live with and that my DP will agree to.