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Paternity for Adult Skids? Is he crazy?

always wrong's picture

My SD20 has removed herself from our home today. If you read my other post, you will know that alot of it had to do with us enabling her, which we looked at as helping her. It is the best for all of us. My DH came home from work a while ago and said he wants to get a paternity test. She's 20. He has never questioned that she may not be his. He has never been that type of guy. BM was unfaithful during their marriage and while they were dating. She got pregnant after he asked her to move out (they weren't married at the time). With everything going on over the past few years, he said he has thought more and more about this. SD does not look like him, does not have any qualities or characteristics of him. over the past few years, SD has treated DH more like she treats me. DH thinks it's because she "knows something"

DH recently found out the SD has O+ blood. He has AB blood. It is not possible for an AB parent to have an O child. This is his reasoning for wanting to do this. Since this would have to be a secret, he wants to use a tooth brush or something to get the test. I stand behind my husband, but I am just wondering what this will really accomplish? SD is 20. You can not sue the BM for lying if she is not your child. I understand wanting to find out, but really, why now? why not when she was younger? Would he really never speak to her again if he found out she wasn't his? I'm trying to believe that he feels this way because of the blowout with her last night and today. Do I encourage this?

Does anyone have any comments on this?

twopines's picture

I don't know your entire situation, but me, personally, would not actively encourage or discourage this. This is something my DH would need to work out for himself, and I'd support whatever decision he made. Any little comment you might make, harmless or not, may come back on YOU even though this wasn't your idea. He gets to deal with the consequences, though.

If this were me, I'd be imagining my lip had a big ol' steel zipper on it so nothing can be turned around on me, kwim?

always wrong's picture

That's how I'm feeling, I am not saying anything either way, just needed some reinforcement I suppose.

I believe now a days, they ask the BF when the baby is born whether or not he wants a test. If he says no and finds out down the road the child is not his, he still has to pay support because he acknowledged that the child was his at birth. At least I'm pretty sure it's that way, my brother had a baby 3 years ago and they asked him after the baby was born for this reason. I think it should be mandatory the test is done either way.

buttercookie's picture

My DH actually struggled with this same issue. I told him I support him no matter what but what would a paternity test do now? He's not going to get any of the money he spent supporting this adult kid back and he accepted him as his own even though he had doubts from the beginning. I told him to search himself and decide what he wanted out of it and to not do it if its just because he's angry at SS. SS looks like a spitting image of one of their neighbors that moved years ago. If SS was wearing the same glasses and shirt in the photo you wouldn't be able to tell if it was SS or the neighbor. How does a man with dark hair and no one in his family taller than 5 ft 10 have a 6 foot 3 inch child who looks identical to the neighbor? Hmm needless to say he never had the test. Oldest SS has stated he doesn't think that youngest SS is DH's kid. Weird how it came up but I'm guessing BM fessed up to youngest SS that my DH wasn't his because after youngest SS didn't get his brand new car and TV with rent paid for life from us she told him. He hasn't been around but the old neighbor is back in the area and youngest SS has been to the bar with him hmmm.

2Tired4Drama's picture

The bigger question is what will he do with the information if he finds out he's not BF? One benefit of knowing one way or another is for possible medical history issues -if she's not his, who's is she and is there any knowledge of that family medical history? That's where I would dump it solidly in the lap of BM - she should fess up in regards to who the real BF is, tell the daughter, if she cares about anything about her childrens' health history.

always wrong's picture

I asked him what he would do. His answer was to make BM miserable for all the years of misery that we have put up with having to deal with BM and the drama caused by SD. To be honest, I think SD would probably be grinning ear to ear with smiles and saying, "I wonder who my daddy is". I don't think BM is smart enough to remember who BF is and since she spends most of her time baked, Medical History is the least of her worries.

always wrong's picture

I'm personally hoping she is his daughter.... to have gone thru the drama and heartache I have went through all these years to raise a child that doesn't even belong to my husband might really put me over the edge of sanity.

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

He may resent all the drama, time, trouble, heartache and money spent on another person's child that he should not have had to endure in the first place.

It's bad enough to put up with trouble from your own kids and even stepkids, but to put up with all that from a kid that don't even belong to either of you would totally piss me off.

At least a DNA test would give him the truth.