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Paternity Testing

christinen's picture

I asked my DH today to get a paternity test. He basically said there is no point because he knows the kid (SD3) is definitely his. But if he never had a paternity test, how does he know for sure? & what is getting one going to hurt? The kid is too young to know why her blood is being taken so it's not like he will have to answer questions. & the BM doesn't even have to know about it. I know the chances are slim that she's not his, but I'm just thinking how great it would be if she's not! He could still see the kid when he wanted, but we wouldn't be obligated to have custody of her 50% of the time (every other week) & pay for her, plus (best part), wouldn't have to deal with any more crazy BM drama! Any suggestions on how to get him to take this test?

Comments

christinen's picture

Hmm wonder if I could get it done without him knowing about it. Then if it turns out SD really is his, I'll just shut up about it but if not, I'll tell him & then he will definitely want to get one of his own done!

overit2's picture

It's his decision, period. Bring it up once, maybe twice, and let it go.

Many guys decide they are already bonded and don't WANT to know. That's his choice. Don't ask him to do something that could make his and the childs life miserable because you can't deal with them...if that's the case walk away.

I'm in a similar situation, he's done one of the online tests...which confirmed his fears-...he's put off doing a "court approved" way for his own reasons-he lives in limbo and it's hell on him I know. But we've talked about it...I've given him my suggestions and it's on his lap now. He's a grown man and will make decisions based on what he feels is best for him and this little girl. Not because "I can't deal with it".

Who am I to insist he change that? Whatever you do-don't go behind his back and do it without his knowledge. That's a huge betrayal, overstep and will eventually destroy your marriage. It's a huge violation of his rights, decision, authority over his own life, privacy. It's wrong in every possible way.

caregiver1127's picture

Totally agree besides she is 3 and he has a love and feelings for her that won't go away just because he is not the father. Also if you do this behind his back you better be sure he will be okay knowing you did this - this could blow up in your face!

Moon Child Step Mom's picture

Ooooooo… there’s NO way this man is going to take a paternity test if he feels there’s no reason to. And I’m here to tell ya… he’s going to end up resenting you for even mentioning it let alone pushing the issue.

I understand where you’re coming from… SS6 looks, acts, sounds and smells NOTHING like DH… SS2 is his complete little mini-me in every way, but SS6… well…
But I’ll NEVER bring up a paternity test to him! It’s like a kick in the nuts to this man who’s just trying to love and raise his *child* to even mention the fact that it may not be his… one time DH was lovingly gazing at SS6 and said, “Oh SS6… you look just like your daddy…” and without being able to contain it, the word “Really…?!?!?” came tumbling from my lips! DH looked so hurt and mad at me and said… “Things to NEVER say to a man who is looking at his child and saying how much he looks like him… “Really” is at the top of the list.”

I still think he’s pissed at me for even that little slip… but suggest a *paternity test*?!?!?
I shudder at the thought… good luck finding a way around this one…

overit2's picture

The only reason I suggested my bf take a legitimate court approved one is because he told me he had already taken a test...those online ones...and part of him wants to feel that it COULD be wrong. Kwim? He's not sure he wants to know the truth either way.

Otherwise I would never bring it up.

overit2's picture

Can I ask why you feel it's right or ok to do this behind his back? Honestly-I really wonder what gives anyone the entitlement and right to do this?

poisonivy's picture

Rags is right, or a cheek swab...and there are companies that will do it by sending a sample through the mail. Though the results from this type of testing may not be admissable in court in all areas. And I don't suggest doing anything that will make trouble between you and DH (like testing them without their knowledge).

Why would he not want a test if there is any doubt? Why do you have doubts?

jojo68's picture

My ex husband had a paternity test done on my son and I had to be a part of the testing too. I don't know if it is always like that but I think there has to be sample of BM's DNA too to compare the alleles. Good Luck!!

christinen's picture

The reason I want the test done is because DH and BM were NOT married but they both agreed to joint custody, they each have SD every other week for a full week at a time. BM is a drug addicted $lut & the kid looks nothing like DH. I understand that he has bonded with SD and he would be upset if he were to find out she is not his, however being that the child is only 3, I don't want to see DH go through all BM puts him (& me!) through for a child that may not even be his.

Update: He did agree to take the paternity test!

Persephone's picture

And if the results say he is not the father.. what's the plan? Are you two prepared to walk away and leave the 3 yr old with the drug addicted $lut?

poisonivy's picture

Good for you! Now maybe you can have some peace of mind at least, and that's important.

anita...sigh's picture

This is a big can of worms. Speak to a lawyer because I believe, at this point, he would meet the legal definition of a parent.

Your SD is the only one who stands to lose in this matter.

Some things are best left alone.

sway1's picture

if he is on the birth cert. he is responsible. if he is not the real bio, the only other opion for him would be to find out who the bio is have have that person take on the cs role. until then, bio or not that will be his child.

christinen's picture

He's not on the birth certificate. In our state, you have to be married or have paternity test to be on the birth certificate. & he doesn't pay child support because they have joint custody (he has SD every other week for the full week).

poisonivy's picture

I believe that these situations vary by state. Wheneverything is said and done, I believe it will be in everyone's best interest to know whether he is biologically related to the child, even for future health reasons.

christinen's picture

You're absolutely right, I don't want the child to be his. Our relationship and my life in general would be much better and easier if she and her wack job mother were out of it. But my main reason is that he has a right to know and a right to base his decision whether or not to see, pay for, care for her on the TRUTH, not on what BM has led him to believe through her LIES. (not saying for sure this is the case, she could very well be his daughter, but he deserves to know for sure).

christinen's picture

It's not so much the child that's the problem as it is the BM. If the child were proven to not be his, I am sure he could still see her when he wanted (BM is a POS & wants to push her off on everyone else whenever she gets the chance anyway) but he wouldn't be OBLIGATED to have her every other week for the entire week, I mean that's a lot!

christinen's picture

Yeah, you are probably right about that one. But the kid is only 3, I mean if he goes from having her 50% of the time to maybe one weekend a month I can deal with that, & then eventually it would just be less & less. It would be BMs job to find out who the real daddy is. Not our problem if he's not the daddy.

overit2's picture

OMG.....what if he likes being active in his daughters life?? It's a lot? To whom, to you right??? Then why be with him? Why interfere..why be with a man who has a child at all?

Ok-so say she's not his..you just crushed him, and his relationship w/his daughter. You ASSume that he can still see her when he wants..what you dont' know is that there are vindictive women that could use that to stop visitation to punish him for doing the test/not paying support. Then he doesn't see her at all. What if he likes the feeling of obligation he has right now to have her...it's an inconvenience to you all around then you should just up and leave.

I've accepted my bf's decision to move fwd w/his situation as he deems fit. i will back him regardless. Right now even if it's head in the sand-he treats her like his daughter and I do the same.

christinen's picture

Oh & by the way.. he is not on the birth certificate, nor were they married, nor has he ever had a paternity test.. everything he is doing is basically out of him just being a good guy & believing that everyone else is good too, when I know better than that. In our state, to get the father's name on the birth certificate, you have to either be married, or have a paternity test showing you are the father.

overit2's picture

Honestly I don't think you shoudl be with a man w/a child...what a disservice to both of them.

Want her/bm out of his life to make it easier on you?? screw his feelings about the child, the childs feelings about her dad...it's about you. Ouch.
Why not walk out if you don't want to deal with it?

christinen's picture

Yeah, I feel the same way a lot of the time, but when I got in the relationship with him his daughter was hardly ever around (they didn't have joint custody until recently) so it really wasn't anything serious I had to deal with until recently. I mean I love him & I am not in a relationship with a 3 year old, I'm in a relationship with him. She's just a pain in my a$$ that I have to put up with in order to be with him.

mystiery's picture

wow that is all i have to say is just wow. well that and i am grateful i was raised without a head in my ass.

christinen's picture

Yeah right. They're clingy, needy, can't do anything for or by themselves.. can't think of any other description besides pain in the ass. Anyway, you're right I would be pissed if he still wanted to keep the every other week arrangement but that wouldn't be an option that he has so it wouldn't really matter. If she is not his kid, we are done with them.

Chavez's picture

What if your own parents had found out when you were 3 that they were given the wrong baby at the hospital so they walked away from you because you weren't their kid?

Pure selfishness and it's sickening.

christinen's picture

So I care more about myself than a 3 year old I have no feelings for or attachment to whatsoever. I don't see why that's so horrible. They live in MY house by the way, so I'm not going anywhere.

mystiery's picture

then tell them to get out and be done with it. Since you care so little, why are you even dealing with it? Let someone who will care more take your place.

Chavez's picture

So who, exactly, is acting like a 3 year old here? Do you have any idea the potential damage you can do to this innocent little child? This is wrong on a million levels.

christinen's picture

I understand what you're saying, but it's not my kid & if it's not DH's kid either, it's really not our problem. If BM didn't want to take care of a kid, she shouldn't have had one.

Chavez's picture

There are thousands and thousands of children who are born to BM's that shouldn't have had them because they won't take care of them. I actually help take care of SEVERAL children/teenagers that aren't mine, aren't my DH's, but they are good kids with shitty parents. I don't understand how anyone can just walk away from a child. It is simply heartless to abandon a child after 3 years because they aren't blood related.

christinen's picture

At least someone can see my side! I just want to know the truth. If she's his kid, fine, everything will remain the same but if not, why should we continue to pay for & take care of a child we have no obligation to pay for & care for? We don't have any other children so if she's not his kid, we will technically be kidless! I don't need or want to have a 3 year old around all week, every other week if she's not even his kid!

christinen's picture

I don't see how it's none of my business at all. I have every right to know if the kid living in my house every other week, eating my food, spending my money, keeping me up at night & making ME miserable is even DHs kid!

christinen's picture

Point is, I can't stand kids, especially whiny little brats whose mother is a POS and father babies & is in general spoiled rotten & driving me insane. I want her & her crazy mother out of my life. And no, I don't care about her. Why should I? She's not my kid.

iwishyouwould's picture

Alright, I have read comments people left along these lines and never thought that i would be the one to say it... but you seriously have no business with that guy. to be a parent, an involved parent which your BF is.. bio, step, adoptive, guardian, whatever... means that your kid is part of who you are. If you cant stand kids... then get the hell out dude. your life is gonna suck and youre just gonna make everybody else miserable. if you stick with this guy, then that kid, and the bm, is gonna be around until the day YOU drop dead. I will have to deal with kiddo's bm on some level until the day i drop dead. that really what you want?

skylarksms's picture

VERY TRUE - a court will consider someone having visitation with a child and paying child support as taking on a father's role even if that child is proven NOT to be the guy's kid.

I have heard stories of guys paying years and years of support just to find out the kid isn't theirs and they STILL have to support the kid until the kid is 18.

christinen's picture

You think I have no right to know if the child who is living in my home, who I am providing for is even his!?

christinen's picture

See, I think it most definitely is my business. I don't want a child in my home driving me nuts every other week if she is not even my real SD!

christinen's picture

No, they actually just got joint custody recently. Child was never an issue before. I would have never married a man knowing a child would be in the house half the time.

stormabruin's picture

But you knew he had a kid. Fact is, you acted without thinking. Where did you guess the child would end up should something happen to her mother???

Chavez's picture

Are you STUPID? Marrying a man with a child, there is ALWAYS a possibility that not only will that child be there half the time, something might happen and you have them 100% of the time.

stormabruin's picture

"BM threatening to take DH to court for custody
Submitted by christinen on Thu, 09/23/2010 - 9:39am
Does anything actually work to stop the BM madness? She is threatening to take DH to court for custody of SD3 (they already have joint custody and he has SD every other week for the full week, so 50% of the time). The state we live in tends to side with the mother but BM is just a complete loser so they would be crazy to give her full custody."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taken directly from your previous blog...what do you care if BM is threatening to take your DH to court for custody? You've made it clear you don't want the child in your life anyway. The state would be crazy to give BM full custody...what does that make you?

christinen's picture

Oh no, I don't care, I wish she would get full custody & get out of our lives, I meant stop the madness of her being in our lives in general, I just want them out.

Chavez's picture

If you want them out, then your DH AND the child should go. I have no idea why he would want to stay with you anyway.

iwishyouwould's picture

But they should. That's the point everyone is trying to make. If you marry a guy with a kid, then your life revolves around parenting that kid. You cant do that - you hate kids.

christinen's picture

No one's life should completely revolve around someone else's, that's not healthy. & I don't have any kids (by choice), so I sure as hell am not going to have my life revolving around someone else's kid, that's just crazy.

iwishyouwould's picture

As a parent, it does. You keep your own identity and interests, but as a good parent, especially at that age... your schedule and your life revolves around the kid and what the kid needs and what is best for the kid.

stormabruin's picture

Oh...well, being you love each other, then DEFINITELY he should toss his daughter so the two of you can ride unicorns over rainbows together.

Get real. You don't love your husband, or you wouldn't go "there" with this. The BM can't possibly be any bigger a POS than you are being.

iwishyouwould's picture

By age three, your DH will be destroyed if that kid isnt his. My DH refuses to get kiddo tested, and has since he was 2, less because they look exactly alike, and more because THAT is his kid, whether or not its got his blood. He has raised that kid, his life changed cause of that kid, he provided for that kid, he has dealt with bm because of that kid... what would he do if it came back negative? Abandon his only child,the child who KNOWS that that is his daddy? No. He would just live everyday knowing that kiddo isnt biologically his and it would destroy him. BM could use it to keep him from ever seeing his only child ever again, and it would destroy all three of us. If your dh isnt keen on the idea... i would drop it before he gets really pissed off. I understand how you feel; I wish i could wave a magic wand and make bm dissapear too... but you gotta face facts kid.

sweethoney's picture

You except some ones children if you want to be with them. If you don't want to put up with "pain in the a$$" three year olds you should probably never have children because they are pains but they are also just children. My BS is not my husbands child but his dad is not in his life, and he knew that when he met me, so he stepped in to be the dad. If he wants to be there for a kid that is his or not his it is really none of your business, its his choice and if you do not want to be apart of it then leave!

christinen's picture

The reason it's my business is because THEY LIVE IN MY HOUSE, I don't understand why no one is getting this. When I got together with DH, the kid was not really in his life, not until recently did he get joint custody. Now the little brat is at MY house 50% of the time & I can't stand it!

anita...sigh's picture

Your attitude seriously makes me sick to my stomach. I can understand someone not being maternal but Lord, lady you take the prize. :sick:

anita...sigh's picture

Christinen......

How old are you? Something tells me you are too immatured to understand what you are hoping for.

No matter what, BM will always be in the picture and your living a fool's dream if you think that a paternity test will magically change your life.

Honestly, all I can see is a self-centred woman who couldn't give a rat's ass about a three year old little girl. If you think that ousting her known father from her life is not going to affect her at such a young age, your crazy.

Do your BF a favour and leave him before you destroy his life more so than BM has.

Frankly, I'm shocked by your appalling lack of empathy.

anita...sigh's picture

You should find someone like minded as you who NEVER wants children and doesn't have any now.

What you are doing to your DH is unfair to him. Surely you must see that.

christinen's picture

Not liking kids does not mean you are immature.. I'm late 20s, graduate degree, good career.. just don't want screaming brats in the house destroying what I have worked so hard for.

stormabruin's picture

Marrying a man who ALREADY HAS KIDS that you're unwilling to accept DOES mean you're immature.

stormabruin's picture

You're clearly too selfish & immature to make responsible choices. Your husband would do well to grow a pair, take his daughter and leave you.

christinen's picture

I make great choices.. I have a great career, make good money, own my home, I just don't like kids & don't really see what the problem is with that.

Chavez's picture

The problem is you CHOSE to marry a man with a child and now you are trying to worm that child out of his life because YOU don't like kids.

sweethoney's picture

if you did not want kids.. little tip DO NOT get with some one who has them, and then expect them to just ditch out on a poor little girl because it is not convenient for your life. If you want to be with some one except the situation or find some one who doesn't have kids. Or better yet a deadbeat dad who will be willing to ditch his for you

caregiver1127's picture

Something stinks about this whole thread - I think I smell a fake post - it seems to me that christinen is just an individual who has nothing better to do than draw everyone into this thread. It is obvious that she does not want advice she just wants to shock people.

So I am changing my advice - you go girl go ahead and secretly get that DNA test done - and if it proves that you BF is not the father then I hope you get your deepest wish of him dumping a three year old - good for you for being with a man with a child and you can't stand children -

And just so you know all of the above sentence is me dripping with sarcasm - and please stop wasting everyones time on here with this utter nonsense - Grow up and get a job or go to your next class.

And do us all a favor and don't ever have a child !!!

caregiver1127's picture

Hey girl I think you and I would be lovely friends in real life - I love your sarcasm and your wit. You seem to be able to read people right away just like me!

caregiver1127's picture

Yeah me too - once early in the blog because it seemed sincere and then now so that I could try to put a stop to more people getting up in arms about the ridiculous comments that she keeps spouting - it is obviously a fake poster trying to have some fun with us.

anita...sigh's picture

I'm leaning towards a troll... or a child of divorce, you know, the one's we all know too well -- entitled, spoiled, immature, lazy, self-centred... etc.

iwishyouwould's picture

I agree. This is uber stupid. We are talking to a brick wall.

caregiver1127's picture

No you are talking to someone with too much time on their hands and who is obviously not even in this situation - maybe it is a student doing a paper on how SM's react to the news that their significant others are not the father's and can stop paying CS -I bet the OP is surprised that we are all for the father and child staying together and probably blows her theory out of the water that we are all bitches and hate our Stepchildren!!!

christinen's picture

Thanks for your post. I'm not a student and I am not doing an experiment. I am simply questioning the paternity of a child who BM claims is DHs. He has the right to know if the child he is fathering is his.

christinen's picture

DH agreed to the paternity test (which he should have gotten when the kid was born especially since he was not married to BM) and yes of course I don't want to see DH hurt, but I firmly believe it's better to be hurt by the truth than to be happy believing a lie.

poisonivy's picture

I cannot stress enough the importance of paternity testing in cases like these. Opinions and emotions aside, BM and DH NEED to know who fathered this child. With so many diseases and disorders being hereditary, you don't know how substantial a role DNA plays until you are faced with it in that aspect. I have a friend who actually married a distant relative of hers and didn't know it until they turned up at a family reunion. They later found out that her mom had had an affair and she was the product. Crushed her. The situation was compounded by a child born with an illness (which could have been avoided by a paternity test).

So, it doesn't matter to me if you are genuine, phony, doing an experiment or writing a book.

If he has agreed to the test, he has made a good decision.

Persephone's picture

Plenty of adopted children live without knowing and flourish just fine. I think what is so bothersome about this case, is the motive: SM forcing the hand because she doesn't want to be saddled with a kid- any kid. The fact that the kid may not be his DNA is just a convenient out. My problem, is that any person could be so callous as to treat an innocent 3 yr old like a throw away... It's inhumane... at least wait until they are 12 and mouthy... JUST KIDDING!!! Seriously though, this child does not have a very stable mother... and the results of the tests could mean no father...

Is anyone going to advocate for the child? Will social services be called so that mom can get a grip on her drug usage? Obtain parenting skills? Place the child in a home where its WANTED?????

poisonivy's picture

Agreed, however in this case the child has not been adopted. The motives of the OP should not cloud the isses. I don't understand what logical adult in this situation would not want to know who fathered this child....

lb1212's picture

I'm a FSM, and I don't understand anyone who would contimue to be in a relationship when they dilike their SO's kids!!! I love my FSD!!! If you want this poor little girl gone so badly, then you might really want to do some soul searching and find a way for you to exit. I don't see how you could truly TRULY love your SO and not their kid(s).