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Newimprvmodel's picture

Just had a touchy discussion with dh.
Here's what happened. Lots of snow, I went out yesterday and shoved the whole driveway with some of my kids. Yes, it took a few hours because it is very long. As the snow was icy, the driveway was not clean, and there were some ruts, but we were fried.
Now I knew that when dh arrived in the evening, he would re shovel it to his liking. Sure enough, I had to keep dinner waiting a half hour as he re shoveled it..........wiped clean right to the pavement. My immediate reaction was that I was annoyed. I busted my butt and he has to do it over. HE is annoyed that I am annoyed......sees that I am not appreciative of his efforts. And yes......he does everything, but underlying that is a control issue I feel..
Was I wrong to see it and get annoyed?

amber3902's picture

I know it is annoying for someone to go behind you and redo what you've done, but I remember from my days of growing up in Nebraska, if you don't get ALL the snow off the sidewalk, right down to the pavement, that the snow left will melt and refreeze, turning into ice, which is far worse and can be very dangerous.

You said the snow was icy and it sounds like you didn't get all the snow, which would have left ice. Not only would your husband have had to try and walk on a icy sidewalk, but if someone else slipped on the ice they could sue you.

Maybe your husband re-shoveled because he didn't want ice to form on the sidewalk.

Not trying to criticize you and your kid's efforts, but in this situation, it is probably better that you let someone else do the job if you can't do it completely.

Try not to get annoyed, realize that you didn't do a good enough job, and let it go. And from now on, let him do the shoveling, it sounds like it was too hard a job for you.

Harleygurl's picture


If he's a perfectionist let him have at it. But don't hold dinner for him. It's his choice on how to spend his time just as your time is yours.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Yes he is a perfectionist ........he needs to be in his profession. I hear that a lot, but I find him difficult at times because he always seems to have a better way of doing something and he always has to point it out to me.
Frankly, I was just going to let it slide but he kept bringing it up.
I can see how he got the ex and children to where they got. He did everything for them. And they used and abused him.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Off topic, but yes this snow ice is really awful. I think I have seasonal affective disorder? I tend to get grumpy February and March is worse!! I hate the snow boots, grime, filthy cars, yuck!!!

Calypso1977's picture

"Now I knew that when dh arrived in the evening, he would re shovel it to his liking"

i guess i woudlnt get too mad because you knew he'd do this?

i agree with others about the ice issue, etc.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I didn't argue with him over it, but yesterday he texted me several times what a great job he did getting rid of the ice and did I appreciate it? That got under my hopefully he will let it drop. But yes, I do find him rather critical.

Calypso1977's picture

well of course he did a great job! someone removed 85 million pounds of snow for him first, so he could de-ice! Blum 3

Calypso1977's picture

well of course he did a great job! someone removed 85 million pounds of snow for him first, so he could de-ice! Blum 3

moeilijk's picture

Based on what you just said now about multiple texts looking for you to pat him on the back, I think he's incredibly insecure and one way it comes out is by inventing the 'best' way to do something so that everyone can see how great he is. Then when people don't see 1. how helpful he is with his interfering and unasked for criticism *ahem* expert advice or 2. how helpful he is by walking behind you and redoing your hard work in the 'better' way... he's hurt.

So, my opinion, two approaches at the same time needed. This situation needs intervention, stat!

1. Poor baby. Feelings hurt, needs reassurance. You can do that!
2. He wants acknowledgement and appreciation. Needs to find another method, because this one is taking him down the wrong path. You can offer to help with that - and remind him that helping him with 1. means he makes an effort with 2.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Great advice......yes, in fact he has shared with me that in therapy with his ex wife, he was struck by the the therapist saying to him....why does he always have to do everything for everyone?
He now is playing the victim with me........has an attitude and feels he is unappreciated. And now he is not doing anything for anyone because poor baby gets beat up for helping.

omgsaveme's picture

Ugh thats how my DH is, a clean freak, his way is the way it needs to be done, and everything needs to be perfect when it comes to certain things. We have 4 kids, our house is not spotless clean, and he gets all pissy if theres even a little mess. He would have done the same thing, he does it all the time. I get annoyed sometimes, but most of the time I let him have at it.

onthefence2's picture

Having shoveled just my sidewalk and experiencing the ice underneath, I don't see this as him redoing it. I see it as him finishing the job and I would be thankful because I know how difficult it is to get the ice. He is lucky you did it at all, so if he is annoyed he is a butthead.

Unfreakingreal's picture

My contribution to the shoveling/cleaning the driveway was running to the gas station to get gas for the snowblower. I refuse to shovel having a husband and a 16 yr old son in the house. I take care of the inside, he takes care of the outside. Besides my 50 yr old neighbor died last year from a pulmonary embolism after shoveling her driveway! Just dropped DEAD right after! WTF!?!?!

kathc's picture

As long as he didn't get shitty with you about it not being done the way he likes it why do you care that he re=shoveled it? I'd be happy to have that happen.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Send him to my house - i would love to have someone with high standards show us how to shovel the driveway! I do think that it *is* annoying that he needs to "redo" what you and the kids have already done, but i do not think it is worth *acting* all annoyed about.

But when the weather is miserable, and there is no end in sight to snow, it is easy to lose it.
Ice over snow is the worst! Hang in there! Spring is coming...

Generic's picture

I am the same exact way. I can't even enjoy a vacation until our room/cottage/house is perfect and set up. I will put off a perfectly good beach day to get the linens on the bed and the dust bunnies up. At home, everything has to be picked up before I can watch tv. DH can sit in the middle of a rats nest to watch his shows. It is impossible for me. Even when I do sit down, I have to fold clothes. My mother thinks it has something to do with our Puritan ancestry lol.

Valeria's picture

I deal with my perfectionist husband by understanding that everything I do is just a good start and then he will finish it up. Easier on my mental health. Being a perfectionist is a personality disorder, they can't help it, so knowing that, I try not to take it personally. Keeps my blood pressure down.