New to this whole thing, possibly oversensitive?!
Recently married, I have one daughter age 20 and my husband has 2 children, daughter age 18 and a son age 20. I'm just wondering what type of stance I should take. Try to be involved and try to bond with them or should i leave it alone and wait for an effort on their part? I've never wanted to step on any toes and his children are too old for me to act like I'm their parent. I've bent over backwards for them, taking off work, rescheduling my life, going to all their sporting events and functions, spending weekends at a time at their tournaments, and just supporting them in general. I'm doing all the things a step mother is supposed to do. I've also gone above and beyond trying to make them feel special, or even attempt for a bond with them...putting in more money to get them special gifts they know their father would never dream of, etc. Things are definitely different since we got married 6 months ago and especially since we've been trying to conceive. Because i've not really bonded with them in the 4 years we've been together, every time i'm around them it's just awkward. I wish i had something to say, but I don't, and they never have anything to say to me. My husband's family has group text conversations a lot, and his kids neglect to add me to their initiated conversations. I feel excluded or that they don't want me involved. the way i feel is, i'm not their parent and that's all they really care about which is legitimate in and of itself. A couple months ago we gave my SD a very nice gift from tiffany's for her 18th bday (she knows this was all me because her dad doesn't even know what tiffany's is). she took the effort to make a fb post about it, even posting a picture with me on it but i feel this was done out of obligation. If she had the option, she would have liked to have given all the credit to her father but she couldn’t because he told her, it was my idea. She said "love you guys" at the end of the post, but when i responded, she flat out ignored me. It was the first time i've ever said anything remotely like that to her...but I thought, hey, we're possibly turning a new leaf since her dad and I were just married 3 months prior. Needless to say, I was embarrassed and humiliated by her nonresponse. Don't get me wrong, these kids have always been kind to my face, but I sincerely feel that they feel differently, like i took their dad away from them and they could care less about me. It it what it is, i guess. The daughter is especially not keen on the idea of us having a baby (I can tell from her actions, not her words). So what do i do? Do i never say I love you to these kids? Will they never bond with me? Am i supposed to not care? Is it something that makes them feel disloyal to their bio mother? If i were to mention this to my husband, he would make me feel like i'm overreacting, but I know I'm not. I just want to know how others might handle this and I don't have anyone to talk to about any of it. I see the word disengage on here a lot, but is that really what I'm supposed to do?
Stop trying so hard. You'll
Stop trying so hard. You'll never have the fairy tale family with the steps. Let your husband buy the presents, remember the birthdays, etc. If they are polite and thank you too, that's great.
They don't particularly want a relationship with you, but you married their dad so they're stuck. As long as they are basically polite, you're in good shape. And you be polite back of course, and if a relationship develops that's fantastic. But don't push for one and don't expect one.
Who cares if they're happy or not about you having a baby, should that happen? Focus on your marriage, not on what his kids think about anything. They're taking up too much of your head space.
They were 14 and 16 when you
They were 14 and 16 when you came into their lives.... did you think this would magically be the Brady Bunch? That they would hug you and call you "Mom" and profess their love???? What kind of fantasy relationship have you crafted in your mind?
Your SKids sound AWESOME. They are polite, they acknowledge you, they do not hate you or do things for spite. You simply expect waaaaaaaay too much out of this.
They were nearly adults when you entered their life. They have a Mom, it isn't you. So stop the charade, and I bet you will find it much more natural for all involved. You might even find that they can enjoy you more, without all the expectation and tension around.
Who are you trying so hard for anyhow?
They are great kids, they
They are great kids, they aren’t trying to sabotage our relationship, and that I am lucky in that sense. But this is my world and my situation, it’s why I was asking. May seem petty to some but like I said, I have no one to discuss these things with as all of my friends are still married to their children’s fathers. I had a feeling that's what everyone would say. I just need to place myself in their shoes. I know i wouldn't hate a step-parent, but i definitely wouldn't go out of my way for them. That's where they are and it is what it is, I know it’s not even personal. I just need to step back and have the attitude of you get what you give and put it to bed. Yes, this has consumed too much of my brain space simply because I genuinely want everyone to like each other. That’s all. It’s actually hard for me to be that way, but I’m going to have to try. 1StepForward, those situations sounds similar to what I’ve been going through. I just want them to like me and I am hurt. Thank you for helping me see it. Thanks again!
A pleasant thank you to you
A pleasant thank you to you and her dad is polite and indicative of how she enjoyed the gift. Long term adoration is not something that is reasonable to expect. She said thank you, take it at and move on to the next opportunity for at least pleasant interface.
My SS-22 is not one to dig into deep levels of communication. If we interface on FB either with updates or IMs it is very limited and he is prone to drop off without notice after a short time. He is not rude about it but when he is done he is done and often it has to do with work since the time difference between us and him is 9 hours. Sure, we get aggravated when we have not heard from him in a while but that is part for the course for many kids who are launching and their parents. The Skid, my bride (his mom) and I are a very close family blended or not. The main difference between us and your family is that his mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2.
Your situation sounds like a pretty good one and is as good as or even far better than many much longer term blended family situations you will read about here.
Do not let any of the 3 prior relationship kids (yours or his) impact your decision to have a child together. This may never be a beautiful yours, his, and ours thing as the 3 elder kids are on the cusp of adulthood but there is no reason why it can't be at least pleasant.
You and your DH became a couple when all of the kids were older. That is a challenging time for kids even without drama induced by parental decisions. If you and DH had met and married when the kids were in the low to mid single digit ages then the likelihood of a loving relationship would have been far greater than it is considering the kids were in their mid teens.
Overall it sounds to me that all of the kids are in a pretty good place and that you and DH are also in a good place. I would suggest that you not overcomplicate this by overanalyzing and poisoning what sounds like a pretty good blended family situation with older Skids.
Relax, deep breaths, enjoy your marriage and working on the new baby with DH. The adult kids will be fine and if you let the dynamic develop without causing more drama than necessary it should work out fine.
IMHO of course.
Good luck and congrats on your recent wedding.
Don't try to be "Mom" to
Don't try to be "Mom" to them, you are not. Friends....maybe. Don't worry about what they do or don't because, at this age it is really NOYB and your husband's to deal with. Be nice, friendly, accepting but don't accept snottiness, rudeness, meanness.
What I use to ask myself in dealing with my Twit was: would I accept that kind of behavior from my own DD also an adult. I did this because it gave me a clear picture of whether I was just being, well, resenting or using common sense.
In my case, my Twit is nutz and impossible. But she is, as others on this board know, an exceptional piece of work. Any one who dances down my driveway proclaiming that she is not normal and never has been normal says it all.
I have been married for 9.5
I have been married for 9.5 years, 3 grown step children.
They are all polite to me and treat me ok when I am around, but that is it. I don't really have any sort of relationship with them. I met them when they were teenagers and have never had a close relationship with any of them. 1 of them lives with us now, one I see about 5 times a year and the 3rd I see about twice a year.
Its a tough situation and it will get easier, but as someone else posted, don't try too hard.
You came into the picture as
You came into the picture as a defacto stepmom when they were teens, be grateful that they aren't trying to murder you! }:) You've got it pretty sweet. No need to bond, stop bending over backwards for them, focus on you, the possibility of new life and your marriage. They already have a mom and a dad, you're the bonus mom, they are your bonus kids. Interact very little on Facebook or not at all. I am FB friends with my 20 yr old daughter but I mainly just stalk her new photos. She wouldn't want me "liking" everything and being all up in her stuff. My 26 yr old SS added me as a FB friend just this week after his father and I have been married 2 1/2 years. I haven't even looked at his page yet.
Relax.
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"I'm doing all the things a
"I'm doing all the things a step mother is supposed to do." This really touched a nerve. This is the mantra that so many SMs went into the marriage with! Including me. I wanted all of the things you did. I wanted SD to like me and I tried so very hard like you are. Doesn't work. You are not part of their history. I found it is futile to place so much stock in the Skids acceptance. When you try too hard and have unrealistic expectations it creates unnecessary stress on the relationship.
Your marriage is your top priority. If they are nice, you can be nice. You mentioned you can tell by her actions that one of the SDs does not like the idea of you and DH having a baby. As long as she is not rude about it, let her come to terms with it on her own.
I have a 20 year old daughter
I have a 20 year old daughter that went through this exact scenario (baby stuff) a couple years ago. I know it is a process they have to come to terms with on their own. my daughter was so angry and said she wouldn't have anything to do with the child, etc. BUT now you wouldn't believe she ever said such a thing, she loves her little sister to pieces and always wants to see her. Great idea to treat them like a niece or nephew...that seems perfect for my situation...and puts the whole thing in a good perspective for me. It's something to work with. 1StepForward hit it home for me when she said the things so similar to my situation and then who do the kids call to thank - their dad and then no acknowledgement of her birthday, that's sad. i realize, that's the way it will always be. So no more trying so hard or going above and beyond even for special birthdays or occasions, it shouldn't be coming from me anyway, it should be coming from their father. i haven't even viewed it as trying hard, i just saw it as doing what i felt i needed to do and with some of it i will continue to do. I'm just going to discontinue the things that will get my feelings hurt or making myself vulnerable. SD's senior softball season is coming up in a couple months, i WAS going to take off work as much as i could to go to her games, but now i've decided against that and I'm not going out of my way. I've never been rude, they've never been rude...it's just the little things that I'm sensitive to and now i see that they will never let me into their lives that way so i need to quit expecting or thinking it will be different. I've never been in this situation and I have no experience to work from, my parents were together my whole life. i'm still learning about the step parent stuff, it's why i came to the website. I am grateful that our relationship is surface level "good" and that's all i should be expecting.
"I am grateful that our
"I am grateful that our relationship is surface level "good" and that's all i should be expecting." Your post gave me the impression you were trying too hard as many of us did. I could have dealt with a "good" surface level relationship with SD. You're lucky.
I went into my marriage
I went into my marriage thinking I would have no problems because I was a nice person and I would be nice to my skids. Like you, I tried too hard. My skids knew how to be polite and they could be politely rude to me and had fun doing so. No one noticed their rudeness because they made sure to look like little angels. The skids were calculating and plotted together against me. My dh was blind to the skids behavior and attitude and that left me pretty much alone with no one to talk to about the problem. If my dh did not see the rude behavior, he did not believe it. If he did see it, he would LATER have a talk with skid(s) and believe me, he might as well been spitting into the wind for what good it did.
The skids do not have to like you and most likely they don't. A smile on someone's face does not necessarily indicate a smiling heart.
I had found the nicer I was to the skids the worse things would get. I just could not understand how the skids could reject me when I was so kind and did so much for them. What I have learned is "YOU CAN'T MAKE ANYONE LIKE YOU".
Be kind and polite. Put yourself and your marriage first. Above all else, I say trust your gut. If you feel you just got snubbed, you did. If you feel you were excluded, you were.