You are here

New Here

Boudicca's picture

Hello everyone, up until I found this site I thought my situation was unique. I have been married to my H for 5 years and with him for 6. I don't have any children. He has one daughter - 27 - from his previous marriage. SD has never lived with us but has always been a problem between us. I'll try not to be too lengthy. She has rarely returned calls to daddy. She doesn't say "thank you" - and especially not to me. Thanksgiving and Christmas have been miserable. We used to invite her to lunch for say 1pm. Lunch would be cooked and we would be ready to eat. No SD, no call. We call. We MIGHT get a call around 2:30 to say she would grace us with her presence at say 3:15, then we would hear nothing from her and she would finally show up at about 4:30 saying how busy she has been. She isn't married and doesn't have a family but she was in school at the time. 2 years ago, I had enough and when she eventually deigned to call us I said to her "Well "Susie" how nice of you to take time out of your busy schedule to call!" Then she turned on the crocodile tears to daddy telling him that I had shouted at her - which I didn't - I just made it plain that I wasn't happy. We were paying for her car insurance and she had an at fault accident and didn't call her father. The first thing we knew was when he got a call from the insurance company a week later! Last year we went to her graduation and she snubbed me. Obviously because of what I had said to her the previous Christmas. He has enabled and allowed this continued behavior. He asked her to monitor her cell phone usage. We were paying at the time to the tune of $80 or $90 a month. She was running over on texting. She ignored daddy as she did when he asked her to please bank the check we gave her every month in a timely manner. I could go on and on. Anyway, after the snubbing incident I told my H that if that is how she is going to behave towards me then I will not make her welcome in our home. Daddy is so desperate to see her that he will put up with any mistreatment in order to do so. The problem is that her rudeness has affected me too. Taken up MY time and MY energy, not just his. Last year, I suggest to my H that she collect her Christmas gifts from him at his office. She said she would be there for 10:30. You guessed - she didn't show up or call. This year I have decided that if she wants her Christmas gifts then she can meet with both of us. I want to give her a 10 minute window. No show, no call, no gifts. I haven't told my H about this yet so I don't know how he will react. I would also like the opportunity to tell her what I think of her. Up until now I have kept my mouth shut for H's sake but she has caused so much trouble between us because of all this that I have had enough and because my H has disrespected me to her, I feel like I have nothing to lose. Oh I forgot - in 2007 she and my H concoctd a story between them that she had stuff taken from a friend's pickup truck. My H asked me if we could give her $500. It turned out to be a lie and the money was for his ex-wife. I was livid. I now refuse to give her money for Christmas - it has to be gifts or nothing. When I met my H he had been divorced for 4 years but separated for about 18, so it wasn't like I broke up their marriage. Any takes on this? I could go on but I am sure you have heard it all before!

melis070179's picture

I would suggest a 30 minute window, 10 minutes probably won't fly with your DH. Let us know how it goes! And welcome!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Sus's picture

I don't get involved with money issues between my FH and his 4 adult children. IF he wants to give to them and can afford too and it's not taking anything away from us, it's ok with me.
He has discussed this issue with me, being it's his money & his children. So I allow him to do as he wants, where their concerned.
If it ever is an issue in the future will have to deal with it.
But so far there's been no problems. He told them what he will help with & what he wouldn't allow, so I think they understand their dad, and where he's coming from atleast for now LOL.

Boudicca's picture

I didn't mind about the money previously. However it wasn't just his money - it was our joint funds. I put a stop to giving her money for Christmas and birthdays after my H and SD made up a lie about SD having stuff stolen from her friends vehicle when she moved. H wanted to give her $500 which I agreed to. It turned out the money was for his ex-wife. We didn't owe her any money - we never have - she doesn't have any entitlement whatsoever. After that I told my H "no more checks". I will not agree to give her any money until the money SD helped to obtain from me by deception is returned in full. That will happen when h*** freezes over. H still refuses to admit what they did even though I found an email proving it. Pretty disgusting to engage your daughter in a lie to extract money from your spouse don't you think?

Shell97's picture

Welcome Boudicca!

I agree with Melis070179...give your SD a 30 minute window and if no show, no call, then no gifts. It may sound harsh to your DH at first, but hopefully if you explain it good enough to him he'll be on board with ya. A few years back, I had to do kind of the same thing with one of my SD's. Now my SD's are not as old as the one you are dealing with, but it worked. For the longest time SD15 (who was about 12 or 13 at the time) refused to come on the regular scheduled visits and would not tell us until 5 minutes before it was time to pick or up and sometimes waited until we all got to the pick place and refused to come with us. This went on for several months. Well, about 2 or 3 months before Christmas DH & I talked about it and decided to tell SD that if she kept refusing to come for regular visits...to just stay home during the holidays and to not expect and gifts from us. B/C if DH & I are not good enough for her to visit with, then we are not good enough to give her gifts. I wish you the best of luck and welcome to ST!

Totalybogus's picture

This girl is almost 30. This is ridiculous. I wouldn't even give her a 10 minute window. I don't even do that for my parents. I tell them when dinner/lunch will be ready and if they're not there when it hits the table, we don't wait on them.

I'll tell you a secret though because my parents couldn't even be on time for their own funerals, what I do is tell them that the meal will be ready an hour before it is actually going to be ready. They always make it on time now. I don't have this problem with my kids because they know that I'm OCD with time,and my h's kids are too young to drive so they're at our mercy anyway. But I'll do the same to them when they get older.

donna123's picture

It means buckle your seat belt Dorothy, cause Kansas is going bye bye. The reality of having adult stepchildren is going to be dark and nasty! And, this is just the beginning. Kiss every idea you had about yourself as a good, fun, caring woman goodbye. You are as of now an evil wicked stepmother.

Boudicca's picture

Thank you everyone for your welcomes and replies. If I am able to offer advice to anyone I will gladly do so!