I am new to this board. I'm not even sure where to start. I'll try to keep it short but even the abbreviated story will be long.

I met my husband three years ago, and we married last October. He has four adult kids. SS 26, SD 23, SD 21, and SD 18.

My husband has had custody of his daughter since she was 15, until this last summer.

She and I at first got along really well. I was the only woman in her dad's life that she ever "approved of" and has told me on several occassions that I am more of a mother to her than her own mother. My husband's family also marvelled at how well SD liked me and how well I do with her. Her mom has told me, "I have to hand it to you. K is not an easy child to raise, and you have done a good job with her. God Bless you for giving it your all."

SD is a troubled child. DUring her formative years, her mom who is now a recovering alcoholic was abusive, and allowed her to run free. Her mom also battled a great deal with my husband over custody and money. SHe played a twisted game with my husband that really tore my husband up - as well as their daugther. My husband and her have reconciled in a way. They speak cordially and no major games have been played since he has had custody. However, my husband will never trust her, and has told me not to get sucked in by her. We are to be pleasant with her, but she is never to be trusted and we are to watch or backs.

SD came into my husband's custody when her mom "couldn't do it anymore". SD was getting into trouble, and had just dropped out of the 10th grade. She told my husband to come get her. He did and they all three signed a contract. He got custody and rights to raise her as he saw fit, and SD agreed to stay in school as long as she was with her dad and graduate high school. If SD did not hold up the bargain, she was to go back to her mother's. Something both SD and her mom both did not want.

So SD came to live with my husband in Iowa, and about 6 months later in November of 2006, we all moved down to Texas where they are originally from. I had a great job opportunity and we thought it best that SD be somewhat close to her mom. SD got to see her mom once a month for a weekend. It was an agreed time between the two of them and good for their relationship not living in the same home together.

Everything was fine for awhile. Then SD started acting out. Small things first, that only continued to get worse and worse. She would not obey curfew, she refused to go to school, she she would get into huge fights with her dad and run out of the house, threatening to run away. Then in July of 2007, right before we moved back to Iowa (we had personal and career reasons), she ran off with her boyfriend. Just a week before she had asked if he could move to Iowa iwth us and we refused saying it was unacceptable for us to have a high school age child's boyfriend living in the same house. She would just have to wait until she graduated -which was going to be in January of 2008. We told her graduate high school, and then we'd send her back to Texas, or he can move there if he wants and get his own place, but he would not live with us.

She ran off in the car we bought for her and ran around with this kid to Kansas and back. They showed up on our door step the night before we moved. My husband caved, said he could come with us but read him the riot act. We put strict rules on them and they slept in seperate bedrooms.

I was completely against it but my husband feared losing his daughter and her not graduating. So he caved. They both moved to Iowa with us for about 3 months until SD dropped out of school and announced to her dad the day after our wedding that she and her boyfriend were moving to Kansas to live with his step-dad. My husband was heartbroken and I was livid. He lectured both of them about the mistake they were making and we drove them to the bus station. Less than a month later, SD wanted to come back. for the next two months she went back and forth between staying and coming back. My husband and I did not let her come back until we were sure she was serious and that she would graduate high school. She finally proved that to my husband, and somewhat to me. We let her move back - but we refused to let the boyfriend come - who didn't want her to come back to us in the first place.

Let's discuss him for a minute. He is a high school drop out, an known "former" drug dealer. HE verbally, mentally and physically has abused my step daughter when he was not in our home. In our home he was perfect and polite. Once he's out of it, he will talk smack and abuse her. My opinion of him is he is a slimeball and a pathetic little weasel of a man. He's 22 and about as big of a creep as they get. He's also in trouble with the law, and has a warrant out in Texas for probation violation. He left the state without their consent.

There is nothing redeemable about him, and I will never like him. My SD however keeps running back to him.

She did graduate, but refused to go to the school. Fortunately they accomodated her and allowed her to do home studies. She graduated with honors and walked the stage this last May. Father's Day weekend, she had run off with her creepy boyfriend to Kansas again without so much as a word or note to her dad.

In the last 6 months that she was with us, she had an attitude. Called me the C-word. Was mad at us that we sold her car the previous time she was in Kansas (thought we should have held it for her, even when she told us to sell it she wasn't coming back), she stole from me, took my keys and car without permission, Broke curfew, dated many boys including a guy ten years older than her, destroyed my personal belongings, lied, and tried manipulating me and her father into leaving me. There's more, but those are just the highlights.

Why did she hate me and retaliate so much? Because I would not tolerate her BS. We told her we were at zero tolerance when she came back the last time and when she did something wrong - I called her out and her dad firmly disciplined her. Still, she continued to disrespect her father, me, our home and our rules.

It got to a point where I wanted to give up, but I stuck it out. I tolerated the situation the best I could. Not well at times, but the best I could. We wanted her to just graduate high school and I also did my damndest to get her into a local two year college and encouraged her to do something with her life. My thought was, get her going in a positive direction and maybe it would take. We told her we'd give it a shot and that she had to commit. She bails - we no longer offer our support throught college.

Well, she bailed. She is now in Kansas with her abusive boyfriend. She has already called us for money (we refused but offered to send food which she declined). She has claimed that her boyfriend was hitting her and that daddy needed to come get her before she wound up dead. The very next week she then tells her brother everything is fine, and then calls us, asking if we will pay for her and her boyfriend to drive down to Texas to see her dying maternal grandmother. When we refused, she sent her dad horrible emails stating that she dis-owned him, he was a wannabe, a horrible father, I changed him, he "owes" her, and that he would never see his grand kids. Two weeks after that, and just days ago, she calls him like nothing ever happened and says that she and Josh are moving down to Texas.

:deep breath:

That is my step daughter in a nut shell.

I am at a point where I do not communicate with her and I am simply allowing my husband to deal with her. I refuse to let her back into my home. Not after the way she treated me and her father and I have made that very clear to both of them. I even told her last time she move back, that we'd take her in, but if she bails and goes back to her creep of an abusive boyfriend - I will not stick my neck out again. She swore she was done with him. I guess not.

I am standing my ground, and so is my husband, but I fear that she will get pregnant or in a situation where he will be pressured to wanting her back and I will be put in a position I don't want to be in and I feel both my husband and I don't deserve.

I guess I am sitting her waiting for the next big drama and manipulative stunt that she will attempt to garner attention from "daddy".

I am sort of at peace because she is gone, but I am trying to cope with letting go of the past, moving on with our lives, and yet...still be a good wife and supportive of my husband without being the evil step mom.

But I am. I am the evil step mom whom she apparently hates and resents so much. I gave her so much - more than her mom or any of the women in my husband's past ever did. I gave that child my heart and my best and I loved her unconditionally at one point. I set aside my anger and disappointment and tried and tried again with her for her own best interests. Now...everything is torn to shreds and I no longer trust her or believe her.

She is narcissistic and out right manipulative and decietful. SHe is someone that I would not associate with if she were not my step child. I stay away from people like her and do not allow that kind of behavior in my life.

Only I really don't have a choice. I married this man for better or worse and somehow I have to find way in my mind and my heart to make it work.

All my husband wants is to put the past behind him, move on in a postive, happy direction, but it seems like SD is doing all she can to disrupt that and wreak havoc. Since she's been gone, DH and I have done so much better. We are trying to repair some of the damage and we are building a stronger relationship. We are determined to not let anything come between us and we truly seem to come out stronger for the trouble we've had this first year.

I guess my question is, how can I start to repair not only myself, but possibly salvage our family? I already know time is needed, but how should I deal with a step daugther who is so hateful toward me and how do I go about re-buidling our family. I do not want to alienate her, but at the same time, I do not want to fall victim again to her drama and manipulative games.

Any advice is appreciated.