You are here

More exclusivity

Newimprvmodel's picture

Submitted by Newimprvmodel on Fri, 02/22/2013 - 6:39am

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

Dh kept his home and we kind of use it as a vacation home, although I admit I cringe going there and it is all done up by his ex. Anyway, dh's lovely daughter is off for spring break so she is going to spend a weekend there and dh will visit her there. Quite like a mistress, yes? I have told him I will no longer be going there as I feel like my space will be violated now. I have wedding pics there, etc etc. the divide is deepening between us every day. I feel more and more like a single person again.
I think second marriages can work only if the couple stays firm in acting as one unit when their children attempt to split them.

SugarSpice's picture

Submitted by SugarSpice on Wed, 09/04/2013 - 10:24am

awww, a little love cottage! really? how sick is this? skids of the opposite gender tend to think of themselves as lovers. yes, it is a bit like a mistress.

been there, dealt with that.

whatamess's picture

Submitted by whatamess on Wed, 09/04/2013 - 11:17am

I went through something so similar to this. I was utterly miserable in my place and DH and I got into repeated arguments about what happened there. Thankfully, it worked out that we both agreed to sell it. My advice is to pursue selling the house and getting something that you both choose. It's so hard to establish any boundaries in a place that old boundaries, or lack thereof, exist. How long have you been married?

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Sat, 09/07/2013 - 4:29pm

I can honestly understand how you feel. I agree with whatamess - try to sell the vacation cottage and find another one together - one which will be one you own without all of the ghosts from yesteryear. Also, it will not hold any special significance for SD.

The first time I disengaged from my SD it was a couple of years before she got married. I was 'invited' but not welcome to attend. Before leaving for the wedding in another state DH and I had it out. I was ticked off because he never acknowledged the way his daughter treated me. He even accused me of being jealous. If you knew his daughter you would know this was a 'stretch' at best. He left, I stayed home. While in the other state he contemplated moving. The next week there was a phone call from a company in the other state where he had placed an application for employment. He even told other people he was moving.

He returned home, sorry for being so nasty. Apparently, a dear friend had told him marraige should be his prime focus but he never really committed himself to our relationship. He came back because it was a more comfortable situation for him. You wrote, "-- second marriages can work only if the couple stays firm in acting as one unit when their children attempt to split them." You are right, and it is very important. In retorspect, I shouldn't have argued with him prior to leaving for the wedding. I should have examined our relationship, and our committment to each other long before the wedding.

Since I disengaged for the final and last time over 2 years ago, DH and I have worked on the relationship we should have had in the first place, and I have discovered that I had to value myself in order to make the changes. I had believe, and ACT like I believed that I am worthy of his committement and no less. Now, I could care less if he visits SD. When he returns from his trip our marriage will be one of mutual respect and caring or I will not remain in it.

You have to look at the relationship you have with your DH. Do you feel you have a mutually respectful marriage and are committed to each other? If not I would let him know, without hostility, and with complete confidence, what you expect before and after his visit to the cottage.