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Manipulation via ostracization

Missingme's picture

Anyone else have SK(s) who punish (manipulate) their dad via ostracization (to exclude from...friendship, conversation, privileges, etc.)?  Very effective tool, no?   

tog redux's picture

Depends on the father, not all men are manipulated by their kids in that manner. It doesn't work for my DH.

TX2step's picture

My DH has pined himself away, literally. SD moved away last year without telling him, to punish him because I disengaged and won't allow her back in my house. She blocked him on her phone so he couldn't call for her spawns B-day. He has been in a state of depression ever since. He has lost 60 lbs. He is a skeleton of his former self. 

barbKarin's picture

Depression is a mental illness. He needs therapy. Not treated less than and someone who can't be respected.

Missingme's picture

Oh my gosh, pathetic.  I'll bet that really effects you mentally, too, doesn't it?  I'm sorry.  

Maxwell09's picture

It’s the confidence in the parenting at hand that determines the success or failure of child manipulation. 

What I mean by that is if your DH is 100% sure of his own choices as a parent he’s made then the manipulation won’t work as well. Usually it’s the guilt ridden parents that manipulating tactics get to the most. 

bedazzled's picture

Sd is the queen of manipulation. She has DH so scared she won’t let him see her spawn if he ever stood up to her that he will always jump through her hoop and she knows it.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Both of DH's daughters have manipulated us. The younger is such a good liar that it's scary. She'd make a great poker player if only she were more intelligent. The elder used her children as leverage with us. She's very awkward socially though, so she's not very good at persuasion. Her methods include sulking and angry outbursts.

The best manipulator in DH's family is Meddling SIL. She became a COD in infancy, so manipulation is second nature and she excels at smilingly planting seeds. As a child, she and her older sister even had nicknames related to their ability to weasel whatever they wanted from their doting daddee. Meddling isn't evil, but she has a pathological need to rebuild the family that defies all reasonable expectations. She doesn't care about what's healthy, strengthening relationships, or getting professional help for the addicts and to heal the multiple childhood traumas they all experienced. She just wants everyone to ignore all the dysfunction, hold hands, and sing kumbaya.

CANYOUHELP's picture

This is a pattern that will never end if you live in this sick dynamic; it continues because of guilty daddeeeeing.....or weak daddeeeing, not certain which one; nor do I care any longer about his/their psychosis.  I am not certain what created this emotional monster of a parent, but it is impossible to ignore his mood swings. As time progresses though, there appears to be less and less of the swings.

 When he is in a real slump, I know he is getting punished; waiting for the crumbs they will give him or the phone to buzz. I may comment he is in a bad mood and then go on with my life ignoring his childishness. It is pathetic to watch.

Missingme's picture

Wow, you described my situation to a T.  If only I could master the ignoring the mood swings and childishness.  His moods have effected me seriously.  When he does it, I go dowwwwn.  One day, I think I think I'm going to have to leave to save my sanity.  I'm glad one of us (you) seem to have a handle on it.  

CANYOUHELP's picture

I am not  certain I have "a handle on it."  I just minimize my loses and accept my reality (I stopped trying to change it)---it is the only way for me to be happy I learned. I changed my mindset to all about me; couldnt' please anybody anyway.... You can do this!

SacrificialLamb's picture

Mine used to do whatever his oldest DD wanted, even regarding things that had nothing to do with me.  It was a pattern established long before I showed up. 

When he finally demanded respect from her, she started the Ice Age with daddy, not returning calls or texts and finding reasons why he should not visit. DH said he was being punished because he finally stood up to her. I didn't like how she manipulated him, but I think he also got tired of it and he told her he expected to be treated with respect. It blows my mind she doesn't think treating her father with respect is appropriate.

Missingme's picture

Yes, the pattern was established with my husband well before I came along--I take zero blame.  The SDs and their BM practiced on the wife before me (She told me she left him because of THEM.  Yeah, I suppose I had some prior warning.) and, boy, are they good at punishing with ostrazation, but he denies it's happening (pride?), which is incredible to me.  Why should they respect my husband.  He's taught them that they don't need to.  

CANYOUHELP's picture

Same here, never met the wife before me, but should have done so.  Nobody is allowed access to daddeee but them, including  But thank goodness they cut me off.....blessing in disguise; becomes more a blessing with each passing year.

WickednNasty's picture

Yes! The kids have been alienated and he's always made excuses for them up until this last adventure. He now says he's done with them and as soon as things are finished we're going to change our Wills.

shamds's picture

Yr old ss, hems the worst. The elder sister 22 yrs old seems to have been brainwashed by bio mum after being kidnapped by her 5-6 yrs ago and does her mums work without realising because she’s simply being alienated and conditioned enough for so long that she believes this is normal behaviour. The youngest aged 13, she’s always friendly and polite but i always get a weird vibe from her that something else is going on. Like she wants to be with us but she’s followed her eldest sister for the past 5/6 yrs after their bio mum abandoned them without telling hubby and i feel she sees how i am with hubby and our kids. 

Everythings such a delicate mess so hubby is trying to handle this delicately because he’s so afraid of losing the girls again.

eldest daughter keeps sending pics of the good old times when hubby was married to the ex and hubby told me many times he never ever wants to go back, it was such a miserable horrible life and so when hubby get pics of himself from sd22 he just doesn’t comment much.

ss 20 threatens to run away from home when told off by dad to have basic manners and do basic chores and spend time with us every now and then. Other times when hubby tells him off he claims he’s stressed out having to apologise for being a rude prick, when he falls off his motorbike with the tiniest little scratch, he walks around like a woman who just had emergency csection yesterday and claims he has a fever from the tiny cut and needs bandages from pharmacy and walks like a man so old he could die any minute. He milks it for what its worth and his dad got so fedup because i had a csection and was still walking around getting stuff done like usual within days. He doesn’t realise it but he’s just become a laughing stock of hubbys family

Rags's picture

It would be far from effective in my case, more like direly unpleasant.

I am 54yo, my dad is 76yo and my mom is stb 74yo and if I pulled that crap I would rue the day...........

Time for parents to step up and smack some sense into their crotch droppings.... regardless of how old the toxic crotch twinkies are.

Suemm44's picture

Yes. It’s happening. 

‘I didn’t know until yesterday that step daughter got an apartment. Them]n, bc he told her the after thanksgiving party was drama free which entailed a long discussion about many things. That she invited him to the apartment bc her and fiancé shacked up. After we received back fire when we moved i. Long ago. Imagine that double standard. Well, he said to bd the reason I didn’t come over is bc you didn’t invite Sm. You only wanted me to come over . Good for dh. He’s getting the drift.

the best thing any dh could do is say if you can’t be drama free and not speak to my so then just don’t show up !!!

ha. And it was a real nice visit and a nice quiet lunch with no staring knives silently thrown at me. I loved it !!!

Plshelpme's picture

My SD24 manipulates everyone.  She was allowed to be a parent basically to her big brother, they want to say she is organized - I saw controlling.  Everything has to be her way or no way - and until me, no one had called her on it.  

It has been six months since my husband has heard anything from his kids - and his son won’t cross his sister to have contact with his dad.  She finally responded to him the day after Thanksgiving with a list of demands - and that when “she” is ready they will contact him, that she wants to be around like minded people that want to be happy.  My response was for him to respond to her she is exactly right and then block her from everything - and to have her email him whenever she wanted to act like an adult.  

He hasn’t responded at all to her   I’ve told him he has to put his foot down with them or it will NEVER change.  I think after the first of the year - therapy will be in his future