Just bought a new house, and now SD19 is coming around again..
SD19 was slated to leave to the Nat Guard, she pulled some really ridiculous stunts and ended up backing out and is now NOT going. I guess even if you sign enlistment papers, you can back out right up until the doors of the bus to boot camp shut and you pull off.
Mom impressed me and kicked her out. I didn't expect her to be able to do it, much less just a couple weeks before christmas.
SD19 moved in with grandma (mom's mom), and made many proclamations about how she wanted to "do it on her own" and was going to get a job and live with grandma as a room mate and had NO intention of moving back home, if it was even an option.
Well we have been looking at homes for a while and stumbled upon an amazing deal and decided to go for it. So we are buying a new house to live in together that will not be big enough for 3 ADULT kids.
The SD19 stuck with the talk about doing her own thing and knew we were looking at moving and such. She obviously wasn't taking it seriously because when mom called her to tell her we bought the house she freaked out. She started throwing major guilt about "it feels like you are moving away and leaving me behind.." and such.
So over the xmas weekend she was at home specifically to be able to have an xmas morning together and there was allot of dramatic talk and I guess mom offered to let SD19 stay in the RV in the driveway of the new place (it is only 2 BR 1 BA) and said she just wanted to placate the panic that SD19 was showing but then SD19 started talking like it was a good idea. So far she is still at grandma's but grandma is making "suggestions" that she might not enjoy SD19 there long term do to lifestyle differences.
So now that Mom is no longer mad,combined with the season and the guilt that she says she has from "dropping my daughter on someone else in my family when she is my responsibility" and what SD19 has said herself. So she is making comments that lead me to believe that she may find a situation in the near future to allow SD19 back in her house, or to move with us to the new house.
The problem is that my S17 is going with us and mom uses that as justification as to why I can't have a problem with SD19 coming. "We can't 'abandon' ANY of the kids, I can't tell SD19 she isn't welcome any more than you can tell S17 that he is not". The problem with that is, my S17 has not done all the BS that SD19 has, I feel that she has blown all her "chances" and doesn't DESERVE to be welcomed in whereas my S17 is still in school and has not actually done anything wrong.
So now I am starting to have a little panic about how I am going to tell Mom that I am not agreeing with her decision to let SD19 come with us. We have earnest $ down and all the papers are signed. The original DEAL was that it was me, S17, Mom, and SD22 moving (SD22 is still in school and doing well).
SD19 has done NOTHING to change her situation, she has not gotten a job, even though she SAYS she is applying and going to interviews. She is totally untrustworthy in my opinion and I don't really want her around until she has actually DONE something to improve her situation, at this point she just went and slept over at grannie's for a few weeks and now I see moves happening that look like she may be on her way back. This doesn't even factor in the point that it would result in 3 women and 2 men sharing 1 bathroom in a 2BR house!!
I even pointed out the job thing and mom said something about "why would she get a job around HERE when she won't be able to get to it if she moves with us?". So it sounds allot like at this point the decision to move back is more in SD19s court than mom's and I don't like it.
I had already told mom I would not move in to HER house a couple months back (when the discussion was about me moving into her current house)unless SD19 was not living there. So we made a purchase decision based on the statement made by SD19 that "Under no circumstances will I want to move all the way down there with you guys, I am going to do my own thing!", now I feel trapped and don't know what to do, or if I should DO anything since so much can happen in the months between now and when we close and have to actually move in...
Thoughts, Suggestions?
Sorry for the wall of text btw!
Don't let her move back in -
Don't let her move back in - she is an adult and BS17 is still a child - tell you mother that was not part of the purchase price deal and you will be contacting a lawyer to get advice about this hot mess that you are about to enter - I repeat do not let her move in or you will be sorry for the rest of your life!!!
"I can't let her live on the
"I can't let her live on the streets"
I wish I had a dollar for everytime I've heard my wife say that about her grown daughters.
sounds like she wants to move
sounds like she wants to move in and feels entitled to move in. Don't let her. It'll just cause problems. Just read around this place to get many stories of adult spawn moving in leeching and not moving out.
You only agreed to buy this
You only agreed to buy this house with her on the condition that sd19 will not be living there. Do not feel helpless. You aren't. If she can't stick to the deal then just calmly explain that you are not interested in the new home anymore.
You should just keep the one already owned.
There is no room in this house for all these people. Quite frankly sd22 should be close to being out the door too. She should be a senior now right? If you plan to purchase a two bedroom then there is no room.
Better to tell DW now and just get it over with. Otherwise they will have already decided for you.
Exactly!! I'd write it in as
Exactly!! I'd write it in as a contingency of the mortgage! BWA HA HA HA HA!!
@Mustang, yup heard that one
@Mustang, yup heard that one already...
I just don't know how to
I just don't know how to rationally discuss this with mom without it turning into some dramatic "You are trying to force me to choose between "my baby" and you!" kind of situation.
SD19 has screwed up SOOO many times and simply refuses to help herself. She occasionally falls back on a sympathy ploy of "I am just a KID, how do I know what I am supposed to do with my life, all the decisions are scary!". To which I just want to say "WELL DUH! Maybe you should have stayed in college when it was FREE and you had a free place to live, but NO you didn't think 'school was for you' and now you have decided to be a convenience store employee for life, good job!"
I feel like I have to make the tough calls and enforce life and rules on my S17, but then he can see that his soon-to-be SS19 just gets to cost her mom $$ and break every rule and still gets to stay at home and do nothing. How is that fair for me and him when I am telling him in no uncertain terms that if he chooses to not go to college or the military, he will be moving out this summer when he turns 18 and be on his own just like I was.
DW= no you are turning it
DW= no you are turning it into a choice situation, not me
SD19= You are legally an adult. You are no longer a kid. You are afforded adult privileges at 18 and you are held to adult legal consequences at 18.
I just wouldn't do it. I could not give in on this one no matter how the wife wanted to spin it. That's HER story to make her feel better and you bet I'd tell her that too. She will tell herself whatever she wants so that it looks like you are the bad guy. All you have is expectations and boundaries for not letting anyone take advantage of you.
I THOUGHT we had a compromise
I THOUGHT we had a compromise (as bizarre as this sounds...) when I suggested that we, as a "lovely parting gift" foot the bill for an IUD or Norplant semi-perm birth control. Since one of mom's biggest fears is is this dang kid getting knocked up and then she is TOTALLY screwed, literally and figuratively, and mom seemed to feel much better about standing by her decision to keep her out if that concern was allayed.
I didn't know about the new more forgiving attitude about letting her back in until just this week and I haven't raised a stink yet. I don't want to get into a big fight over nothing when SD19 can and probably WILL change her mind about what her "plan" is another 10 times between now and then. There will be MONTHS for things to change and get better or worse, mom has to sell her current house and close a business as well as some other "family business" in that time. The original "plan" was that my son and I would move into the new house right away and then "the girls" would follow in the summer after school let out and her other house was sold or at least empty and on the market.
My only "ally" in this is SD22 who adamantly does not want her sister moving back into the same house, she doesn't trust her in general and she has more than once pointed out that "I get to live at home because I follow the rules and do my part, why does SHE get to when she breaks EVERY rule, steals, costs us money, and refuses to help the household?". I completely agree with her.
It REALLY sucks because I love this woman and have every intention of spending the rest of my life with her if I can, we are completely compatible in every way...except her enabling support of her loser D.
Have a contingency plan to
Have a contingency plan to get out of any financial responsibilities if she changes it back to "i want to live with you guys" when its time for you to move.
This is my biggest fear. In
This is my biggest fear. In a couple of years, SD17 will finally be out of the nest, but I know there is a great chance that she will try to come back. To combat this, DW has agreed that we will rent our house out as soon as SD17 graduates. I travel a lot for work, and DW is going to start travelling with me. We will not have a permanent address. This is the ONLY way that I see us tearing free of the skids - not having a physical location for them to crash.
I'm not as worried about SS20, who is currently out of the picture, but in a couple of years, I would not be surprised if he came around. The only way to prevent this is either to move far away, or avoid maintaining a fixed residence.
DH and I plan on selling the
DH and I plan on selling the house when my teen moves out- the only reason I bought it was so that my kids would have stability. I am almost an empty nester and DH's kids PAS'd out two years ago. DH and I want a simpler life, one where the repairs and insurance work doesn't fall on us. A house is so much work. The empty nest we soon will be experiencing is a new start, different possibilities, a new adventure for the two of us and we are going to seize the oppertunity to travel.
It's a tough situation to be
It's a tough situation to be in. But if you let her move in you'll regret it.
Heck, my SD lived w/us and worked and was still a nightmare. She was lazy, barely contributed to the household and didn't want to move out. When I asked DH to give her a move out date he refused because he didn't want to hurt her feelings, and gave me that same hogwash line of "I can't kick her out on the street." She finally moved out . . at 27 . . after nearly destroying our marriage.
Your GF has gone back on her word (something I find quite common when the parents are enabling). Tell her you don't want her to pick and choose, but the two of you had an agreement, and her moving back in changes the dynamics. Remind her of all the reasons you don't want her moving back in. It's not fair to you, your BS or other SD. Hopefully she'll see that it's a horrible idea.
What is WRONG with this
What is WRONG with this generation of young people? I've been moved out and on my own since I was 16!!! I WANTED to be independent. I don't get how these 19 year olds and older can feel good about living with their parents. Of course, my parents didn't make life cushy for me......they made it so I wouldn't want to be there forever.
I agree. I did live with my
I agree. I did live with my parents until I graduated college, but I was mainly only home to go to bed. I worked 20-30 hours a week plus took a full load. I was hardly ever home. Once I graduated I immediately got my school debts paid and in 6 months I was out. I could not wait, but tried to be financially sound about it. Even during that 6 months, I worked a full time and part time job to pay off my car and my school debt. So again, not home much.
My SD21 has been trying to
My SD21 has been trying to move back with us for months. She is couch surfing right now and I put my foot down that no way in hell will she live with us. SO said if she needed a temporary place to stay like for a week then it should be okay. I told him that would never be the case if she moved in she wasn't going anywhere untill we kicked her out. She is pregnant with no job and is trying to work the system to support herself. NO WAY will I got to work every day to come home to her lounging around my house!!!
Oh Dear God. I feel your
Oh Dear God. I feel your pain. I COMPLETELY feel your pain as a stepdad to four adult SKIDS. Exactly one year ago, we were getting ready to close on our new house. We were having all kinds of problems with SD21 that all my friends and family knew about. We had also put down earnest money, just like you. It was Thanksgiving, and my sister called me for a serious talk. She said that I should wait and see what was going to happen with SD21 before buying this new house. Even if it meant losing the earnest money. SD21 was/is a selfish and disrespectful spoiled brat who is enabled by her mommy. My sister's point was that moving into a new house was supposed to be a joyous occassion, and that letting SD21 move with us would only make things worse. I kinda scoffed at the idea.
Lord, I WISH I had listened. It's a year later, and SD21 and her 3 yr old son are still living with us. It honestly doesn't even feel like my house, as I feel like an outsider. I don't have the joy of being able to come home and unwind because just seeing my SD21 laying there on the couch texting just makes my blood pressure rise. Tell your wife that if she wants your SD to move back in, there will be new rules in place. Also, since there won't be any room for her at your new place, that you two are NOT getting a new house if she moves back in. Even if it means losing the earnest money, you need to put your foot down on this one.
Also your wife is incorrect about your 17 yr old. You are LEGALLY obligated to support him, but you are not obligated to help SD19.
I have no more words of
I have no more words of wisdom for you that others here haven’t already suggested, except maybe to read through what some of us post about having our adult step-kids (who are very much like your SD19) living at home has done to us, and our marriages and our families.
Print out the stories and discussions, show your wife… let her know what she’s in for and let her know that you’re not going to put yourself or the rest of your family in this situation. I wish to GOD that I had the forethought to do that and get my SS26 out of the house, when he quit school at 20… or when he finished community college at 22… or before he knocked up his 19 year old booty call and her mother dumped her on OUR doorstep!
It is still an ongoing
It is still an ongoing discussion.
Everyone in the family knows that we are planning on moving to this new place and everyone talks about it and the future plans for it in the context that it will NOT include the SD19. Except Mom, she continues to "hint" that we may need to "have a place" for her.
The SD19 is making ZERO attempt to be involved at any level. Multiple times over the holiday week between xmas and NYE we went to the new place to show in laws and every time SD19 was invited but made excuses as to why she didn't or couldn't come with.
I pointed out to mom that she is making ZERO attempt to participate in this or ACT like it was a family thing so in my opinion she doesn't DESERVE to be included even if she suddenly WANTS to after everything is said and done.
Right now the only time anyone sees SD19 is when she wants to come use the laundry machines and even then she leaves a mess and leaves wet loads in he washer and mom gets all mad, but won't tell her "NO you cannot come use the washer!".
SD19 seems to be intentionally avoiding mom and it is making her very depressed, she was moping around last night talking about how her daughter "hates her" and such. I simply do not know how to get through to mom that SD19 is actively making CHOICES to make her life harder and she doesn't DESERVE to keep having all these provisions accorded to her, only to have her abuse it again and again.
Hell we think she is driving around with a revoked or suspended license right now and we KNOW her insurance is canceled, I pointed out that if she gets pulled over she will LOSE her car and then guess who's JOB it will be to transport her around, and if we don't "how can she get a job!?".
I just see this getting much worse before it gets better.
All reasons why I would just
All reasons why I would just make it clear that SD 19 will not move to the new home or you will not be involved in the new house purchase.
I know she is very good at
I know she is very good at wielding guilt like it was a weapon, and unfortunately that is my wife's weak spot. She could be avoiding her for any number of reasons but she sure has no problem about coming around when she WANTS something.
I wouldn't care if she moved in with her BF but I have NO doubt that that will go bad very soon anyways, what can a 35yr old dude with 2 kids have in common with a sheltered, spoiled, DUMB girl? The problem is that mom doesn't WANT her to live with the loser for obvious "motherly" reasons and neither do I, but not bad enough to tell her to move with us and use the NEW house as a pit stop/storage unit.
I know if she gets knocked up that may be the end of MY relationship because mom will not encourage abortion, and SD19 will most certainly show up at the door in full "I am helpless, what do I do NOW!?!"-Mode and mom will look at it as "It's not the baby's fault" etc etc and you can see where THAT starts heading, parenthood of a grandchild for a dumb girl that can't support HERSELF.
Superdad you said a
Superdad you said a mouthfull.
SS26 knocked up his girlfriend when she was 19. Her mother conveniently sold her home to move in with a dude and there “wasn’t enough room” for her pregnant daughter…guess what? I now have TWO adults who don’t pay rent or help out around the house AND the baby to concern myself with!
She takes him out with no coat or shoes, and when I question she says “we’re just going from the house to the car… yeah, in 12* weather! And you didn’t warm up your car, so the car is 12* you moron!
The g/f is dumber than a bag o’ hammers, my biggest fear is that she’ll get pregnant AGAIN!
Seriously, print out ALL the discussions that we have here on this website and SHOW them to your wife as a cautionary tale… BEFORE she lets her move in, BEFORE she drives a wedge between the two of you, BEFORE you pull your hair out, BEFORE there is irreparable damage to your relationship with you and your wife!