I've had enough
Sorry that this is long. This is my first post, i commented on few in past but here is a bit of background.
If you manage to get through this post 9cuz it's super long as it's 10 years here, I'll appreciate your opinion and feedback
DH and I have been married for 7, going to be 8 years. We've been together for 10. When we got together his kids were SS10 and SD7. His ex has mendled into our lives with hate, lies and huge amount of alienation. Both kids were 1 week with us and 1 week with her. When with her they were not allowed to call me by my name, had to refer to my name when at her house as DB (douche bag). THey were told lies of me, that i was stripper, a witch.... they were told that next time we are a theme park together they should try to push me off a rollercoaster. Just a very toxic situation.
Regardles of this the SD and I have had a pretty good relationship. SHe had respected me as authrity and confided in me many times. I never spoke bad of their mother, I have always bit my tongue as I knew this was no way to go based on the reading I did. I wanted to make sure I am doing all best I can.
SS and I never had a good start and never really had a good relationship. He tolerated me but it's been a power strugle right from day 1. He would purpously do things like leave his dirty socks on counter, throw pillows on floor... pretty much anything we asked him not to do, he would continue to do and when we (DH and I) repeatedly reminded him not to do it, he would then turn into victim and call his BM and complain to her, she would console him and tell him that he doesn't have to listen to me.
As years went by, this was pretty much how things were. Whenever SS would do something that raised my questions to DH, DH woul do nothing about it. There was never any consequence for actions, just rewards and DH's guilt would shine through.
Things got way worse once DH and I had a baby. Not only DH had pretty much abandoned me, started to go out excercising 3 4 times a week. Refused to get up in the middle of the night and worked late hours. I was alone with a colicky, tongue tied baby that wouldn't sleep through the night till he was 2 years old. In the meantime when i was struggling with the baby, SS then 16 would constantly skip school. He would come home while i was trying to nap with baby on couch and startle me becasue no one was expected to be home. THis was daily. One time i woke to smoke in the house cuz SS decided to skip school and i didn't hear him come in. I woke smelling smoke not knowing anyone was home. SS decided to go to basement and start burning papers. DH didn't do much but just yelled at him.
Things continued to go south but one very apparent thing was the entitlement of the SS and him walking around the house like he owned the place with his chest up like a peacock. SD was helpful with baby brother but that was really the only positive thing. Unfortunatelly due to the very difficult delivery and misdiagnosed PTSD, I was told i had PPD and was placed on meds which didn't work. Having no family in this country as i moved here alone when i was 18, and DH acting like a resentful child becasue he was getting less attention, Plus SS wanting to live with us F/T and DH allowing it and this toxic household continued daily with not much breaks for me. THi sled to my detriment and eventually all turned to Major depression and i attempted to take my life.
I was rushed to hospital in serious condition and emergency surgery. Stayed in recovery under 24/7 watch and then in the psychiatric ward for a month. During this time DH allowed SS to drive my car knowing that I was not allowing it. He had given SS the authoroity to caretake for our son. SS became the spouse. I was released with a safety plan and ongoing therapy. DH when picking me from the hospital on 1 of 3 relapses, told me to fix myself.
Next thing you know, SS started coming home late and smelling like weed. I told this to DH and he questioned SS. Next thing, i got a text from SS saying to stay out of his shit. DH did nothing.
Each time there was an issue, DH would pretty much throw me under the bus. I was the scapegoat of every difficult situation.
SS didn't like high school, then he decided to call a suicide line before a big test. Was picked up by police and taken to hospital. There they didn't find much. He would not cooperate with doctors and DH was there every day. Doctors said he possibly may have mild depression and they will reccomend meds. SS refused to take any meds so nothing was changing. However DH managed to rund to school every other day pleading with School land teachers for his son't grades and making sure he would pass each class with no effort from SS, hiding behind a mentall illness which was not really diagnosed.
Then we had a tripl planned to Florida. 3 weeks prior to trip, DH gets a phone call from police station. They picked up SS then 17 (few months shy of 18) and 2 other friends. They were drinking and decided to vandalise my sons future kindergarten. They sprayed swastikas, penises and racial hate. Caused 20K in damages to the catholic school. SS was given the full fine of 10K even though he had a lawyer as he gave the cops the most trouble by not respecting authority and showing no remorse. DH helped him pay the fine and also wrote an appology letter for SS since SS wrote one and it wasn't good enough and rejected by lawyer. Ofcourse no reprimand from DH, instead DH got upset with me for telling what happened to my niece, he got angry and told me that if his son goes to jail it's my fault. Florida trip happened and SS went with us, all expenses paid. While in Florida he treated me like crap but DH didn't care.
Then DH gave him a 20K car for free which caused SS to be even more disrespectful to us as now he no longer needed us to drive wih places, he was self sufficient.
SS finished Highschool with a very very low grade and really only finished it due to DH and his pleads with the school. He started working as a security guard for company where DH is a VP. AFter few shifts he was kicked out from the site and moved to another site, then another. Then while on his night shift, instead of going to work he called the suicide line again. Stayed in hospital for 2 weeks on form. DH and BM taking turns showing up daily to figure out what is going on. DH asked him why he called etc... he said he doesn't want to work as security guard. DH told him you need to keep a job since you don't like school, SS then told him "well now it will be up to the DR to decide that". DR told DH that he sees some ODD but otherwise he is fine and he should continue working until he finds something else. Once released from hospital he was off work for 3 weeks in a ddition. DH asked him about a job, then SS told him he wanted to go back to security. 3 shifts in he called the suicide line again but this time from another city, he drove to another city ( i am guessing in an attempt to get into different hospital). Same thing happened there and no diagosis. Noticed that DH would not go daily to visit but every other day. This time SS was blaming the whole situation on me. Said that he is scared of me, he doesn't sleep at night becasue he fears I will stab him in his sleep etc.... told him that the food i cook tastes like crap and that i do nothing all day (I work full time and care for toddler, dog, keep the house clean, cook). Then told DH that he wants to go back to live 1 week on and 1 week off at his mothers to give him a break from me. DH asked if he wanted to live with BM full time and he said that she doesn't want him living there F/T, he already asked. BM ofcourse started preaching DH to get me into some cooking lessons and get me some therapy since her son told her all these wonderful things about me and she agrees with SS. I on the other hand was very happy with that idea of every other week as everytime he enters the room i feel like air is sucked out. He carries some dark aura with him which i can feel very much. I am a daughter of a narcissistic single mother who abused me phisically and emotionally, i can tell body language like no other and can sense danger.
The new living arrangement lasted 2 weeks when SS asked DH to move back in F/T with us. Totally didn't make sense to me since he claims that I am causing him anxiety and stress and he can't sleep. This time DH asked me and I said no or at least not yet. We started couples therapy which i requested in a heated argument. This therapy was going to turn into family therapy to help with our house issues. DH told SS not yet so SS called a suicide line again. Back in hospital again and now he started showing some psychosis at the hospital once becasue he was moved from a private room to a room with 2 other men and they had tattoos. This time SS blamed BM for being there, all his problems and blamed her for the fact he is the way he is. BM called DH crying becasue she felt this was unfair and she doesn't understand this as in her opinion she did nothing wrong and it's all DH and mine fault.
As SS was going back and forth and pretending to be a changed person, started going to the gym and eating healthier and acting as if he was mature now and all DH and I were still in therapy which was going very slow as the therapist noticed that we are not on the same page regarding parenting and we need to work on that before we can fix anything in our house.
SS was constantly beggin DH to move back in F/T as he claimed he fights all the time with BM and it's not a healthy environment for him and he doesn't want to be depressed etc.. (i shoul dmention that our house has no roles, it's bigger, SS and SD each have a computer in their bedroom, basement is taken over by SS and his paly system and DH never applies consequences to any wrong doing). BM's house has 2 tv's, one in SD room and one in living room, 1 PC that they have to share and no basement adn i assume there are quite a few rules. He also started sleeping all day there and being awake all night where he was cooking for himself and showering, keeping others up.
We decided to come up with a set rule plan which DH and I both agreed on and then told SS that he can move back in but he had to follow the rules. He agreed on all except eating dinner as a family together, he said he is on a special diet where he eats no red meat and he wants to make his own food. I agreed but told him he has to clean up after he makes his meals and keep his food in the xtra fridge downstairs so that we don't confuse his food and ours etc... We also agreed on mutual respect, laundry schedule etc... Very simple rules to be honest but one major one was that he goes to his monthers every other weekend and is either working or going to school.
Then SS had his 19th bday. From that point on he started to sleep all day and wake all night keeping me, DH and our now almost 4 year old up. When DH got upset with him about it, he would say that he doens't want to go to his mothers for the weekend. We said rules are rules (that weekend was a mental break for me mostly and therapist advise that i need that since even though i am not longer depressed, I am still in recovery and in a stressfull situation). Every other weekend it was the same thing. SS asking DH if he can stay or come back after a day, DH asking me, me saying no and DH telling SS that I said no. One weekend on Sat morning him and BM had a fight cuz he kept her up all night with showering and cooking at 3am after being home all evening so it's not like he went out and did this. He went to sleep and set his alarm for 3am to get up. She called DH and told him that they had a fight and that he will go to friends house for the rest of the weekend. Well he came to our house that Saturday at 10pm and told us he lives in our house, this is his house and we have no right to tell him to go to his mothers. He will no longer follow our ridiculous rules and there is nothing we can do about it. My heart rate jumped so hight that night, i bit my tongue. DH said he will talk to him after couple of days and we let it go that night becasue as DH explains it, it would have gotten out of hand. Couple days later DH spoek to him and SS said that he wants us to kick him out becasue he doesn't feel comfortable in our house and wants to live at a shelter where he can do some studyin gand get on his two feet. DH tol dhim well if that is what you want, thats fine we will revisit after christmas holidays so lets just try to have peaceful holidays. When DH told me that, I was surprised but then started looking forward to SS exit plan as I think he is very entitled, enabled, bored and toxic, appears to be doing things for attention. I even catch him sneaking in a room when we think he went upstairs so he can listen to what we talk about... it's like he is trying to cause havoc all the time on daily basis.
Well January came and DH spoke to SS and SS apparently changed his mind. Now he wants to go to college in September and take some online courses. When DH asked about getting a P/T job, SS said... whats the point. When i talk ed to DH, I said we have rules and he needs to do something, well that went one ear and got out the other. It's been 3 months now where SS is not working and not going to school, goes to his monthers every other weekend but always causes drama before, during and after. When he is at our house he is there 24/7 on his PC or playing video games. Sometimes goes to the gym. He leaves dishes in the sink, every day i find containers of his food in our fridge, does laundry on our schedule even when we tell him were not done with doping laundry. Pretty much every rule we have has been nroken over and over and DH still has no reprocussions, all he does is either clean up after SS or gets angry with SS and yells at him but no consequences.
SS walks around the house like he owns the place, the other day he started belching as he was looking at me ion a demeaning way. He walks around in the middle of the night clicking his flip knife that he claimed he bought for protection. DH says he can't kick him out everytime we argue about this. I started ignoring SS completelly so he always kicks it up a notch.
DH and I haven't been close for over a week now. This morning again I saw containers in the fridge, instead of teeling DH in hopes he deals with it, I tooko them and moved them to the fridge downstairs which is empty. Snet a text to DH letting him know what i did and that next time i see food again in our fridge, I will place it in the garbage, maybe then he will learn becasue obviously whatever DH is doing, is not working.
I am so tired of this crap. I feel like I am on my own in my own corner with my 4 year old, my SD now 16 doing her own thing, trying to create happy memories and times and all i have is stress, spineless DH and and this toxic individual that is purpously causing havoc and daily show offs that he is in power above all.
If you made it this far, thank you. Any feedback would be very welcome.