You are here

I just want one night alone with my husband! End of my rope!

LauraM's picture

I'm new here so please bear with me if I post in the wrong place. I married my husband 3 years ago, when we met his boys were 15 and 11 and their mother had moved on to another man but was still in their lives and would at least come and visit. I was under the impression she would take them out once in a while or take them overnight twice a month or so but no luck and her visits became fewer and fewer until she no longer came around or called with her excuse being that "they really don't want to see her". She hasn't seen the youngest boy now in 3 years. I knew my husband wasn't a Don Juan type and didn't want sex very much back then but now this is ridiculous. He will not even consider having sex while the boys are in the house (they are 19 and 15) and with the older sons room above ours uses the excuse that he might hear us. If I turn up the tv hubby says that makes things worse because he can't tell if they are at our door. The oldest is enrolled in college online courses only, has a few friends but REFUSES, absolutely REFUSES to stay overnight somewhere other than his room. I'm sick and tired of having to force my husband into renting a hotel room (which we cannot afford in the first place) once every other month only to have him fall asleep on me, call home every ten minutes or text both boys every few minutes. Last time we went out I thought I could remedy this by renting a separate room for them and their friends in a really nice hotel with a swimming pool and lots of things around for teens to do but what did I get? I got them banging on the door every few hours with "daddy come watch us swim, or daddy come with us over to the store". I told them they ruined my night and of course hubby got mad at me for saying that. I am getting so depressed. They aren't bad kids but I NEED to feel wanted. I swear they know exactly what they are doing by depriving us of privacy and are glad of it. Is this too much to ask to just want one evening overnight out once in awhile with my husband?

sandye21's picture

Tell DH he HE has to resolve the problem, and you will not live in a sexless marriage. Period.

LauraM's picture

Sorry sueu2, I found that extremely rude! I wasn't blaming the skids for that. It is lack of PRIVACY that is killing our sex life. I never said it's the step kids fault other than the oldest refusing to leave the house. Maybe because last time he did his bio mom left.

notasm3's picture

Your DH has some MAJOR issues. He is either totally asexual or is gay. This is NOT normal at all.

One of my BFFs complained recently that her 84 year old DH wants sex way more than she does - and she still wants an active sex life. Wanting to have sex is normal even at advanced ages.

No sex means that he does not want sex with YOU. Either he is repulsed by you physically, is asexual (rare) or is gay. This has nothing to do with any third parties.

LauraM's picture

I'm so sorry I came here. My mistake. I was looking for that forum where "stepparents come to vent". Wow, should have changed it to "where stepparents come to be attacked". Either he is repulsed by me...wow, I won't take THAT personally at all. Just an excuse? Really do you live here? There is zero privacy! Kids are always knocking, always around, always texting. Yes he should tell them to quit. Calliou, thank you for relating! That's more of what I was expecting. I guess I should have clearly explained that when we go to a hotel, of course he falls asleep because he works 12 hour days and the nearest hotel is an hour away. By the time get there, eat dinner and have a shower we both end up falling asleep. I'm angry because he'd get around to getting in bed earlier if he wasn't texting/calling away. When I say it does have to do with privacy it DOES! He is the most insecure person about sex. Has to have lights off always, will not allow the covers off and is very unhappy with his body. I am also and try to work on it. Ok, now I am waiting for the onslaught of "join a gym together". Before you waste your time with that snappy come back let me restate...12 hour days....very limited funds. I guess what I was really hoping to hear was some suggestions like maybe someone knew of a way to get cheaper hotel rates or maybe some suggestions for getting the kid to go stay somewhere else. I feel so much worse having come here. Why not just tell me to f*ck off, deal with it or just go have sex elsewhere?

twoviewpoints's picture

The kids are 15 and 19. One's adult age and the other quite old enough to spend a few hours alone. I don't think privacy and skids are the issue. Perhaps lack of creativity or genuine desire?

If you have cash for motels room with dinners, you have cash for two tickets to send the skids to see a movie. Surely dad gets vacation days he can take also. The totally dark, completely covered with blanket has nothing to do with lack of privacy and/or skids. I assume you have locks on the door.

I'm not going to pretend to know exactly what the cause to your lack of sex is, but I think what most have tried to say to you here is privacy and skids is the excuse. The easy target to lay cause ad reason.

It just seems to me that as long as privacy and skids are being blamed, it's stopping your husband and you from seeking the real problems and potential solution.

sandye21's picture

Sorry if I seemed too abrupt but I went through this very thing just after I got married. After a lot of excuses and games, we went to counseling and found out it had nothing to do with me at all. DH had a physical problem which he finally worked on to get resolved. Please look into counseling.

Disneyfan's picture

Men are visual creatures. A man who wants the lights off during sex isn't normal. Something is wrong with him. The rest is just a bunch of excuses.

HappilySelfish679's picture

Put a lock on the door , actually lock it and have a go at it . We Couldn't care less if skids can hear us . There's much more underlying issues in your case I assume. It would be a cold day in hell when skids force me to rent a hotel room to have some personal, adult time with DH . Sounds like your DH is simply no longer attracted to you or has medical issues ?

sammigirl's picture

My DH is 79 years young, a Lupus patient; he has had a major heart attack (20 years ago), both knees replaced, on and on. I am 68 years young and healthy. We are both retired. DH has been disabled and unemployed since 1985 (30 yrs.). We have been married 36 years this next month. We have lost my two teen sons in an auto accident and we lost a grandson, at age 30, last summer (my SGS). DH was kicked to the curb to SD's last year for a few months (SD minding our business). We went through all of this, plus, and our "master bedroom" has always been our sanctuary (no motels ever).

I don't know all of your details, but I had to separate it all out, as it occurred over the past 36 years. My teen sons nor my grown skids ever entered our love life. SD tried to break up our marriage (due to jealousy), but she did not manage it and never will. Our sex life has not always been a ring of fire; even though it was for the first 10 years of our marriage.

With all of this said: We have had times in our marriage that sex was on hold. I chalked it up to distraction. I took it slow and gave it all my "super glue". I know that keeping your marriage and sex life alive takes "thought". If you think about good sex, and put all the elements with it, such as keeping yourself up, "I love you" home cooked dinners, several other little things, communication (small talk), hugs, holding DH's hand, on and on. My DH responds to the small things and he is very responsive (sexually) to visual and thought process; yes even now we totally enjoy sex. I work very hard at keeping our sex life "hot", even at our age. My DH shows his appreciation, believe me.

I don't know if these are the answers for you; leave the skids out of this, get rid of the motel, be patient, and relax. It isn't fun to go thru health problems and low sex drive issues. I'm sorry and understand your feelings; but you need to concentrate on you two, nobody else.

Good Luck
(((hugs)))

sammigirl's picture

P.S. While my DH was living with SD; she added DH to their cell phone plan and DH disconnected from our plan. Since, she texts and calls every day during meal time, whatever. I just ignore it, because DH doesn't take his (private) phone into our bedroom; DH also ignores it during our meals.

I even picked it up and texted her "Thank you for Xmas, Sammigirl". I was away to my Dad's for Christmas and returned to a gift from SD & family (yard sale gift). So I fight fire with fire. I never look at DH's phone, but I let SD know I use it, if I wish to do so (which is never). }:) But SD doesn't know, because DH has been doing well with setting skids aside when necessary and paying attention when he sees fit. That is all I can ask for. This only happened when, one day, I asked DH to please turn his phone off during our meals and leave it home during our time out; I have OnStar and we don't need it on our time out of the house.

Just keep it all separated. If skids are under foot as you say, make special times for you two; a drive, dinner out, movie, whatever it takes; make you bedroom off limits to anyone, all the time.

If you are fighting about skids, this effects your DH's sexual feelings and distracts his thinking in that direction. Let it go and seek help, if necessary with DH.

stepinafrica's picture

Sounds like there is something going on with him. Either physical or emotional. Have a talk with him see if he will open up.

enuf's picture

Actually, I get where you are coming from. However, in your case it is your dh and his dkids that are enmeshed with each other. Please so not take it as if it is you that has a problem. What you want in a relationship is what every other normal adult wants: intimacy, affection, love, companionship. You also want your emotional needs prioritized over other any other adult except in cases where, for instance, his ds is having a real emergency. Not like in my case, where dh cancelled a night away in a hotel because his ds was upset that the person living in the apartment above him was walking too hard and it was bothering him.

My dh, who is 70 years, and I, my age being 62, finally got to get less than a year ago for a couple of nights in a hotel, a couple hours away, without his ds, 47 years old, calling him every day, beginning first thing in the morning until the evening. Come evening when we were supposed to spending quality time together, dh would sneak his phone in this robe pocket and step into the bathroom. Sometimes he would be in there waiting for a call back that I would be asleep when he came out.

The time before we were finally got to go away without the numerous phone calls, ss called around 7:00 am, when dh and I were being intimate and dh stopped to answer the phone and talk to him. We finally got to the point of being away without the calls because I kept on making an issue out of it. Still, it took 25 years to get away without ss trying to interject himself. Even, when we got a way, dh was on edge as it was also new behavior for him and immediately saw his dh as soon as we got back.

I finally just stopped caring one day, and my need to get away with my dh to have quality time together just ended. I started to take trips by myself. Now, I have truly let go and I can see that dh finally gets it. However, it is to late in the game now and I am resentful that I devoted too many years in this threesome my dh kept on insisting we have. I really resent his ds and I am repelled by my dh.

It is not you that has the problem, if you can learn to disengage from your ss's and maybe even disengage from your dh until you can regain some balance in your life and mind. You might be able to see where the problems really lie. Take some of the money that you have put away to be able to have some intimacy with dh in hotel and stay in the hotel by yourself for some rest & relaxation. You clearly deserve it.

LauraM's picture

Thank you so much! I was terrified to check this board today, really wanted support, was feeling suicidal actually, so unwanted and needed support, not attacks. Having issues with post surgical menopause doesn't help anything either but will talk to doctor about hormone supplements. I really like the advice stay in a hotel by myself. I didn't want to post all the details of husbands issues here but since several have commented on his libido and/or ED problems,I will. When I first got to know DH he told me that he really had issues with sex. He and his wife were of a religion that only promoted having sex for the procreation of children and he hadn't had relations in over 7 years. Stupid me thought that would mean eager to go. He ended up with a computer porn addiction and her cheating on and then running away with another man after 25 years of marriage. He told me he had serious issues with ED and had suffered from it from a very young age. Anyway long story short we have a closet full of Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis, not to mention penis pump, lotions, you name it, looks like a porn stars locker room. Many trips to doctor, therapists, marriage counselors and urologist confirms there is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He claims that he just really does not have a need for sex in his life that he just wants the snuggling. Does that really make him gay? If he were truly gay why wait until you are 51 years old and on your second marriage to admit it? I don't believe that for a minute, if it were true I'd be happy not to blame his ED on myself.
Now about that blaming the skids....I don't blame them for the sex life. The issue I have with them is that the oldest boy refuses to leave the house. DH tried to explain to him that it is important for us to have alone time. We got the worlds biggest argument over why does he have to and here take my money to pay for your hotel room which is what we ended up doing the last two times we went. I told you, we can't afford it! We used to be able to before I lost my job. When I said we have dinner first, I meant we cook it, eat and clean up dishes before going to hotel. That would be a great suggestion about taking kids to a movie but once again, lack of funds combined with the theater is an hour away means paying for at least a double feature. Of course the older boy does not drive and refuses to learn to so we would have to take him. One hour there with a two hour movie means we'd just get home and have to go back to get him. If anyone should ask why is it that we are so broke it is because I lost my job a year ago and went back to school full time. He has a huge mortgage which his ex stopped paying for, along with the taxes and her credit card bills (with their divorce she negotiated a settlement of release from all her debt in lieu of a quit claim deed). She did pay a tiny bit of child support 240 a month but now is free of half of that since oldest boy is past 18. He makes just enough to cover the mortgage for now. The house will be sold as soon as possible.

z3girl's picture

It sounds like there will be some changes in the future for you that may help. (House being sold).

It also sounds like it's some sort of psychological problem, and you may not be able to help. It's certainly worth a try!

I don't know if this is similar or not, but I have a friend who had an ex-boyfriend with ED problems. They went to counseling, he went to counseling alone, he went to doctors and had Viagra that didn't help. He did not ignore my friend; they really tried but he physically wan't able. Without getting too graphic, when she was the most frustrated, he would do things for her, but they couldn't be traditional. For my friend, she ended up breaking up with him, but they are very good friends to this day. They just aren't able to be intimate and she would rather be with someone who can fulfill her needs.

The difference in sex drive can be very frustrating in a relationship. My DH and I both have decent sex drives, but different things turn us on. It frustrates me on occasion, but we're similar enough that it's not a problem. I have another friend who was convinced her boyfriend had low testosterone, and he refused to even be tested. It turns out he was more interested in some prostitute than her, but I doubt that was the problem for the entire 5 years.

After many years of what you described, it may take a long time and infinite patience to help your husband. If he isn't ready or feels pressured, he may not want to even try. Is he willing to talk to you about it? If it's constantly on his mind, he may use the "lack of privacy" as an excuse to avoid dealing with it. The change of scenery (house) and maybe a new therapist may help.

still learning's picture

Laura, please know that this is 100% about him and not you. ED, porn addiction, 7 years of no sex... He's got major sexual issues. I'm sorry you're feeling unloved and neglected. I feel your pain because I went through similar long bouts of no intimacy during my fist marriage. exH was addicted to porn/strippers and didn't feel attraction to me anymore. It was 100% him, I knew this but still felt horrible.

I hope you can get some counseling and work things out for yourself. There are several people here who will be supportive of you.

enuf's picture

After you last statement, the picture is clearer to me. Your dh has Ed and deals with it by using his kids as a shield. He is hiding behind them. Sadly, he is inhibiting their independence and preventing them from moving into a normal adulthood to protect himself from his own inadequacies. I do not know what you do in a case like that.

My dh used to, or probably still does, have a porn addiction. We have never had sex often. We used to have one computer we shared and I was able to see his history. I was quite bothered by it as I took is as a reflection of me, I was not attractive enough, not slim enough, not beautiful enough. I would ask him what the issue was and he could never tell that he just had a porn addiction, because of whatever. I took it personally for quite a number of years.

Then, I just stopped, and guess what he has ED. It really was quite difficult for him to go see a doctor, much less mouth the words "it does not work." He has tried medication, but tells me he is not able to take them for various reasons, it gives him a headache, he feels dizzy etc. Personally, I think it is too much pressure on him to perform if he admits that the medication is working. I learned to leave him alone about it, as it must feel horrible for a man's ego to not make that muscle to work. We women have it made, we just open our legs.

I learned not to take it personally. Yes, you can love and have a relationship with someone who has Ed. There are so many toys out there that are very effective in pleasing yourself. Your man is hiding behind his ds's. Your ss are, like many of the sks written on this site, loving the attention and are refusing to move forward.

So the issues I see are how to you get your dh to stop using his ds as shields. How to get your ss's out of your home. Once that happens how do you get your dh and ss from continuing to be enmeshed with each other. More importantly, how to get yourself to a point to where you are not blaming yourself for your dh's dis-functional self-treatment for ED.

Please seek counseling, it will help if you have someone objective to talk too. Most communities have counseling available on a sliding fee scale. Verbally talking about your issues really helps because it forces you to process your thinking. Our thoughts are such a jumble that at times it seems we are trying to force 10 cats into one box. With counseling, we are putting one cat at a time into a box. Much, much easier!!

sammigirl's picture

After reading your post and the history of your DH; it is a whole different picture.

I feel bad for you both.

I hope you seek counseling together, which should include the SS situation also.

Good Luck and keep us posted.