I have no rights???
My wife and have been together for 4.5 years, married for 2. She has 2 daughters 18 and 21, I do not have any children. The oldest is living with us.
For some reason my wife believes I have no right to speak up about what goes on in our home. When her and her daughter first moved in, the daughter snuck her then boyfriend in after her mother told her he was not allowed to stay the night. When confronted, it took my wife 3 trips up the stairs to her room and they still didn't get up, until I followed my wife and told them sternly they had to go, and they finally left. The daughter came back after spenidng the night at her father's house and felt we embarrassed her and we weren't right. She looked at me told me she didn't like me, didn't want to ever have a relationship with me, doesn't like my family and that she was moving to her father's. This totally crushed my wife.
Fast forward a few months. She breaks up with the boyfriend, moves back in with us because now it is convenient and gets a new boyfriend. At this point she was 20. The boyfriend comes over my wife makes him dinner and he says "yeah i don't like that kind of stuff" (who says that to the mother of the girl they are courting) my wife cracked a joke about him being picky and we giggled until he responded with "f*** you both" as he was walking away. I stood up ready to take care of this and my wife's hands went up and I knew none of us wanted another incident. She was crushed when her daughter left and I couldn't let that happen to her again. I bottled it up and throught the winter I would watch him leave the daughter stuck in the snow, use the same colorful language with her that he used with us and I bit my tongue. I had issues with both the daughter and boyfriend would use the shower upstairs, leave the window open and let heat pour out. I would spend $700 a month on oil, double my normal bill, between them opening the window and his additional looooooooooooong showers. I was filling with rage and just bottling it up and the wife kept saying no don't bring it up. Like a fool I didn't say anything, I let this build up in me every time I saw this kid, all in the name of keeping the peace.
This summer they broke up and I wanted to have a party, but didn't. Then a month later we go away, the daughter has him over. We come back and had no idea at all he was there, no warning of them getting back together. Couple days later, his car is in the driveway when I wake up. I get home that night he is gone, wife and I go out for dinner and come home and he is back and that ladies and gentleman is when I lost it and let out a verbal shower of colorful language that would make Richard Pryor blush. I did it all in my car, in the driveway, so only my wife could hear how little I think of this person. I told her I could not live like this, he can not be here and disrespect my wife and her daughter and be just useless individual at my house every night. I never said she needed to break up with him, I never said he couldn't come over. I said I couldn't live like this and he could not be here every night. We need to talk to the daughter and get this settled. My wife insists that this isn't my discussion.
I am the one that pays all the bills and provides. My wife (also not a fan of the boyfriend) continued to make sure the 2 of us didn't communicate and work this out. She decided to mediate. Beautiful woman, outstanding cook my wife is... mediator she is not. So now the daughter breaks up with the boyfriend, resents mom, and the mom resents me. The wife claims she is protecting the daughter because she had a tough time when my wife and her ex divorced (before we met). The wife is telling me that I have no right to apply boundaries that I suggest such as you get 2 nights a week and we want prior notice when he is here (and I honestly think I am being waaaay to nice.) and when the heat is on in the house don't open the windows because this is New England and it costs more money than your car payments combined. I put a lock in the window to keep it closed, they removed it. I told the wife, I'll put plastic on it, again I was told no because the daughter would think I was picking on her. I honestly think they are picking on me at this point. Now the grandmother has offered to let the daughter live with her. This does not help anything. Daughter will really resent mom for choosing me while she moves out, and mom will resent me more than she does now. All of this could have been avoided with a conversation and regardless if the conversation works or not, in my eyes the daughter does not get to call the shots...
I am a proud individual and it has been harder than anything to let someone repeatedly in my house after they tell my wife F U. If my best friend did that I would have knowcked him out cold. And yes I am an adult and a grown man but it doesn't mean I don't have feelings. The daughter telling me she doesn't like me or my family has never been dealt with and now it looks like it may never be. My wife says she is protecting her daughter. Call me crazy but I feel like she is over protecting her daughter and I am trying to protect her from being mistreated and left stranded in the snow.
HELP me because I feel like I am in bananaland and I can't find my way home!!!
Stepland is a tough place to
Stepland is a tough place to live- I used to live there but now I am so glad it is no longer a feature of my life. You have choices, it doesn't have to be like this... Good looking and good cooking aren't everything!
Yup
I'm learning these things
Ok.. first of all. This girl
Ok.. first of all. This girl is an ADULT in your home. That means that she should be paying rent AND adhering to the rules that the owners of the home put into place. (your the owner so.. yeah.. opening the winter during the arctic months is a hard NO). Now, if princess would like to pay, let's say, half the heating bill over the winter? she may be given some latitude huh? It is also absolutely fine for you and your wife to set some reasonable rules about visitors and ESPECIALLY overnight visitors. I am assuming she stays for free anyway... but even if paying rent, she is welcome to go find another place to live if she doesn't like the rules. Now, to be fair, that means you and your wife would hopefully be somewhat equally respectful of her privacy which means you wouldn't have guests over constantly either..right?
Right now your wife is terrified if she gives her child any boundaries or negative feedback that she will hightail it out of there back to daddy and she will "lose her baby forever". Unfortunately, that is not a livable situation for you right? You have a layabout louse in the home.. the girl isn't much better.
But, rules and expectations don't have to be "mean"... they don't mean you are picking on the kid. Seriously, it should not be any big deal for you both to sit down with her and show the bill from last year and then the year of the open window and tell her THAT is the reason why the bathroom window must be kept shut. (I am actually betting that the reason it is open is they are smoking some kind of drug up there.. showers and open window to mask the smell). At 20 she is an adult and she should be respectful of the other people living in the home and she should be contributing to the home costs as well. You are giving her a break. Now to the crappy BF... I would tell her that you hate to see her with someone that treats her so poorly, but as an adult that is her choice to date who she wants. However, you do not want any overnight guests in your home...period. She can overnight at HIS place if she wants to do that. You also would like to have notice when she will have guests during the evening and weekend hours when you are home and that if her BF uses coarse language that he will be shown the door. That is your boundary.. you won't tolerate disrespect and bad language.. she can go to his house for his cursing.
I would tell your wife that if she is worried about her daughter's love.. maybe she should worry more about her daughter's life? Her daughter is being crippled by her permissiveness. She is giving her tacit approval to be treated badly and end up in a dead end life. Better that her daughter be angry at her than regret that she wasn't given any direction when she gets older. In the end, if all her daughter cares about is her BF.. your wife isn't losing much is she...daughter is then just using mom for a place to stay.
thank you
No she does not pay rent. And she does not use drugs (she really should). But this why it is bananaland... Her dad does not let him stay, the boyfriends parents have a limit on her staying like once in a great while and that was something they had to sit and discuss and set boundaries with the parents... Like normal young adults do.
Thank you!!!
Well... bless those other
Well... bless those other parent's hearts! Your wife should have absolutely ZERO worry about having the limits at her house.. the boy's own parents have them TOO? I still might worry about maybe the boy doing drugs or smoking up there... (some drug smoke doesn't smell like cigarette smoke so you might not realize what you are smelling.. I had a family member with a crack problem.. so I know the smell.. it's a bit plasticy and not super smoky).
And unless the girl is going to school full time, I think she should be making at least a token payment towards rent... and certainly should abide by house rules.
I've said this since I was her age...
Significant others treat you the way you allow them to. If your step-daughter allows this guy to treat her this way, it's not going to get any better. And, I'd fear that she believes that this type of 'treatment' is 'normal' which will suck for her.
she does
My wife works part time and goes to school part time.
Just a thought
Unannounced visitors can be really, really bad. A cousin of mine had her home robbed by her daughter’s best friend... another girl and her boyfriend. Best friend had been sleeping over “casing the joint” and once she was left there by the daughter after a sleepover. They were in college. Anyway, best friend let her boyfriend in and he/she stole a bunch of electronics from the family and my cousin’s minor son’s room. Not saying that this is worse than the disrespect — I can’t imagine letting anyone in my house who told me “FU”... but just a cautionary tale. You don’t know the boyfriend. He could be a jerk with major issues and YOUR WIFE is not respecting YOUR boundary of not having people in your home without so much as a heads up. Put your foot down with your wife and make it non-negotiable. Every guest needs to be approved by you... daughter doesn’t like it? She can take her grown a$$ and get her own place like adults are supposed to do.
Your wife might be awesome, but on this point, she is wrong... if you’d like for me to come and give her a wake up call, PM me. *biggrin*
If I acted like that at 20,
If I acted like that at 20, my parents made it clear I would no longer be living under their roof. Your wife is not respecting you or your need to feel comfortable in your own home. Though I understand where she’s coming from your wife is doing her daughter a disservice by not setting expectations
If the boyfriend said "f**k
If the boyfriend said "f**k you both," he didn't merely offend your wife. I agree -- if your wife wants to take that, fine. But the BF also insulted you, so you should deal with it as you see fit. If that means barring him from your home, so be it. If SD leaves as a result, so be it. SD came back before after moving out. She'll probably come back again.
I have been dressed down by my SD in front of my husband, who said nothing. I forgave SD over and over, but I never once got an apology for any of SD's attacks. That stuff leaves scars if it's not addressed. It builds resentment toward your spouse that will eventually become too much for the marriage to withstand.
In the end, when nothing changes with these skids, you kick yourself for allowing yourself to be the scapegoat for so many years. You can disengage from the skids, as I did, but if you're still married, those scars are always there.
It's a painful way to live.
I'd make this the hill on which you die. The only reason I'm still married is because I never had to live with my SD.
I agree with Blue and Marble,
I agree with Blue and Marble, above. This is absolutely the hill you need to wage nuclear war over!
First of all, it sounds like this was YOUR house before DW and SD moved in. Not long after they did the bullsh!t with the boyfriend started right up. So this has been going on for awhile now. You've been more than patient in trying to work something out, but your DW isn't interested in compromise, she wants it all HER way. Enough.
Sit down with your DW. Calmly tell her that SD can no longer live in the house. She is an adult (21) and she must figure out how to manage as one. Tell her you will give SD a deadline and then give her the boot - it's for her own good.
Of course your DW will protest and will continue to be angry at you. Too bad. I don't understand why she thought it would be acceptable to marry you, move in her adult daughter and let SD call the shots in YOUR house? This may be something you discuss with a marriage counselor. Your DW has not made you the priority in your marriage.
If you don't deal with this now, the next thing that will happen is SD will become pregnant. If that happens, plan on dealing with her, the baby and whatever sperm donor she is with for the rest of your life.
Stand up to this man child
Stand up to this man child yourself. Stop letting these women walk all over you. Tell this man child his colorful langue and bad behaviour are not welcome on your and your family's property. If your wife doesn't like it. Tough! She would rather see you suffer than her precious daughter. THAT would make me feel very devalued as a spouse.
Good luck!
Wow. You have shown the
Wow. You have shown the patience of a saint.
But how much longer are you going to allow an adult brat run your home. You stated your wife moved in with you, so I'm assuming this was your established home pre-marriage?
So much wrong going on here. Your SD desires to live her own adult life style. Problem is, she still acts and lives as a child. Under your roof, at your expense (even if your wife also contributes) SD is running your home as if her own personal apartment/house with you and Mom as her servants , financier blah bah.
Nope, you can't pick her friends or boyfriends, but you certainly can rule who is and who is not allowed as guest in your home. SD is playing house with her BF, problem is, it isn't her house. It's horrible that this young adult daughter is now going to plop her *ss over at Grandma's house (along with her rude, worthless BF) and expect Grandma to put up with their crap.
If the daughter wants to live the adult life and her own lifestyle choosing, it's time for her and her BF to get their own apartment and be the supposed adults their age reflects they should be.
Lots of parents allow young adults to stay living in their home. But those adult children usually don't act out the way your SD believes she can in your home, nor do they have a mother who is so desperate the mother allows anything and everything just to keep the entitled brat happy.
Your wife isn't helping this young lady. Nope. Your wife is enabling her daughter. Your wife is failing her daughter as a mother. This young lady will still be on your door step at age 30 and ruling your roost ... well, if your BF doesn't get her in serious trouble/danger first.
Where is the other stepdaughter. The younger one. You stated there were two?
The younger daughter
Thank you for the support. She lives with her father and has since we first started dating. She knows what she can and can't do there, and he is gone on business frequently. She is quite a bit more independent and while she is not a saint she has not ever been disrespectful, sneaky, or manipulative with me. She has made mistakes like any teenager, has made poor decisions and taken her lumps over them and not blamed others. She does not act entitled, in fact she is very humble. She could manipulate mom like the sister but knows that her father is gone enough that she can be the queen of her castle probably 10 days a month and does not have to deal with the older sister stealing her clothes, makeup, throwing tantrums, etc.
Victimhood is BS
You are a patient man. You and your wife need to come to common ground about this situation. She must stop enabling unacceptable behavior because of guilt pangs. SD is 20...that means "learn how to be an adult" and stop with the victim mentality already! Your wife is WRONG and her emotional cushioning of SD will create a disrespectful, cling-on for life. If anyone (doesn't matter what age) said F** you to me or my DH, he/she would have been told to EXIT. Apologies would be in order and if I chose to let them back in, they would be walking on thin ice.
Sorry to be blunt: Find your
Sorry to be blunt: Find your balls and end this already. This is one of the most ridiculous stories I have ever read on here. Enough is enough.
Yes... and no. Officially
Yes... and no. Officially SParents have no rights. In reality we have every right we choose to take.
When it comes to the rules and enforcement of the behavioral standards set for our own homes particularly with adult Skids... we have absolute authority.
So.... quit coddling your wife and her idiot crotch dropping. You set the rules, you enforce the rules, you apply the consequences. First... rekey the locks and let SD know that she no longer lives in YOUR home. Then get your bride to a therapist that will help her grow some parent balls with her toxic adult idiot spawn.
If a person I was dating had told my mother and father to fuck off I would have beat them to within an inch of their miserable waste of skin life then tossed them in the gutter (figuratively and maybe even literally). I have never in my life hit a female but had a GF of mine cursed my parents that would would be one female I could have beaten to a pulp. That your SD didn't immediately go banshee on this asshole makes her a complete write off IMHO. No more biting your tongue with this idiot SD or her toxic fuck buddies. And no more biting your tongue with your bride either. She can be a doormat to her toxic crotch nugget if she wishes but... she is your wife and you do not have to tolerate anyone speaking to your bride in that manner. You should have beat his ass IMHO.
Set the standards of behavior in your home. Enforce those standards. Bring the pain for anyone who violates those standards. In this case... your SD can freeze her ass off in a tent in the local homeless camp this winter and if your bride takes exception to that ... give her a sleeping back and tell her to go visit her daughter.
Grrrrrrr!