I’m the spineless one... now what
Read a bunch of posts on here and decided to jump in and ask for help.
Remarried 5 years ago... and I have 2 kids, one a daughter who has given me my two grandsons. Her and my husband do not see eye to eye. My daughter made an accusation about my husband which was false and has not apogized for it. My husband will not forgive without it. They both hate each other, talk bad about each other and I am always in the middle choosing one or the other because I cannot have both. And I'd be lying if I said I don't crave peace and harmony.
This year my daughters family decided Christmas would be only at their house and we all had to come there to give gifts to the kids. I took most over, alone because I knew he wouldn't go. I left a few here holding out hope.... but they said no and it turned into a fight with me and my husband. He believes I should tell her too bad, let the kids get the gifts when they come over and tell her oh well. I don't want to take the chance that she will say I cannot get the boys any more because we don't follow her rules.
my husband thinks I'm spineless and she's manilpulative. I don't know how to make things better and I'm frankly not willing to lose my grandkids for anyone. I don't know what to do.
So your daughter made a false
So your daughter made a false accusation about your husband and acts like a child, refusing to apologize, and you're thinking of leaving your husband because your daughter is acting like a petulant child?
So your husband loses his wife, too, because your daughter made a false accusation? And he spent Christmas alone because your daughter lied?
I'm assuming that you taught your daughter that lying has consequences. However, when the consequences affect you and your happiness, it's now not a problem that she lied, and lied about your husband, the man you have chosen to be your equal and partner?
If you're not willing to give up your grandkids or hold your daughter accountable for making your life difficult, then I recommend leaving your husband. It's 100% not fair to him to have false allegations thrown at him, be stuck spending holidays alone, and be the scapegoat for you not seeing your grandkids. He did nothing wrong, yet he's the one getting punished for it. Just end it with him now so he can move on.
Perhaps I need to clarify...
Perhaps I need to clarify... my daughter lives across the street. Her dog ran to our house, snapped at my husband and he swatted him away. She saw the swat and messaged him calling him an animal abuser. The accusation went to him, not elsewhere.
My Christmas with my daughter was on Monday, and my husband and I spent the actual holiday together - visiting his son, my parents and Skyping my son.
i do not want to leave my husband. I do not want to lose my daughter, and I'm 100% attached to my grandsons. But I will also tell you that I put much more effort into trying to build relationships with my step sons than my husband did my kids... he looks down on them and they will never measure up.
So her dog tried to bite your
So her dog tried to bite your DH, and when he reacted defensively, she called him a name and didn't apologize for it? That's not much better than what I imagined before you explained.
A stepparent doesn't have to form a bond with their stepkids. It isn't a requirement. You have an adult daughter who was an adult when you got remarried. It's likely that your husband doesn't view her as a daughter (he didn't help raise her), and she doesn't see him as a father. And she doesn't see the need to be respectful to him or apologize for an issue she/her dog caused. I wouldn't want to be friendly with another adult who threw false allegations at me and then refused to apologize, whether they were my spouse's child or not.
You want this to get better? Tell your daughter to grow up and apologize. If she withholds your grandkids, then she is more of a child than you realize (and likely why your DH is less than willing to have a relationship with her).
A thousand times this. If
A thousand times this. If your daughter withholds your grandkids because she’s not getting her way she’s just as bad as the abusive, manipulative BM’s we read about on this site. My blood is boiling reading this.
First of all, why doesn’t she have control of her dog? If the dog is running about biting people, or attempting to, it’s only a matter of time before it bites a stranger, gets reported & ends up being euthanized. I can’t stand irresponsible pet owners, it’s not fair on the animal & poses a danger to other people. She needs to get a grip.
Second of all, who cares if she doesn’t like your husband. That’s her issue. Do you like your husband? Do you want to stay married to him? If so, then cut this bullsh*t off now. If she’s going to be an abusive POS who uses her children as weapons that way, you’ll be dancing to her tune for the rest of your life. Yes you’ll have your gkids about, provided you keep precious happy at all costs, but at what point do your own needs start being important to you?
Youre lucky your husband hasn’t up and left by now, having to put up with this total nonsense. He doesn’t deserve to be treated that way just because your daughter has issues. Anyone who weaponsizes their children that way has issues, so don’t try defending her actions. The only time it’s ok to withhold children is when there is a danger to them. There is no danger at your house, she’s simply being spiteful because she doesn’t like your DH and wants to make sure she’s in the power seat. It’s manipulative and sick.
If you value your husband and want to stay married you need to put a stop to this. If you don’t care that much then do him a favour and ask for a divorce. He shouldn’t have to spend his life alone while married just so you can placate your adult child and her BS.
She should have never
She should have never messaged him. She should have called YOU, her mother, to handle YOUR DH. If a dog came growling at me I would do the same. You said yourself in your OP that they didn't see eye to eye, so the "swat" was a way for your DD to finally give your DH a piece of her mind. If he has never abused your DD and just didn't "see eye to eye with her" which is probably a result of you not setting boundaries with your DD then I can understand why he didn't put much effort into her. Read up on this site about disengaging. Sounds like your DH did that years ago.
For the record I did tell her
For the record I did tell her she was wrong way back then... but I cannot force an apology. He did disengage and I've come to terms with that but it's the grandkids that complicate it.
Have her bring the grandkids
Have her bring the grandkids to you. And come to your house on Holidays unless your DH is welcome. Even if she does invite him, I'm sure he knows he's not welcome when she invites you. My point is do not let your DD divide and conquer.... And when she's in your home and is not civil, respectful and polite you address it each and every time. You don't have to yell but be firm. Your DH's issue is probably because you have just carried on and expect him to. If you are not validating his concerns and arguing with him about them then of course it's going to cause issues. Again if you're worried about losing your DD and grandchildren for setting boundaries with your DD then he's not the problem.
An adult should NEVER have to explain to another "ADULT" how to
behave, or what their expectations are when it comes to others. This is fundamental parenting that people grow up with and utilize accordingly. Most of us have standards for how we expect to be treated. Nothing "special" but fundamental respect (note that respect isn't "I like you and want to be your friend" but rather, "You are married to my parent, and because I respect him/her, and their ability to make decisions about life partners, I will also demonstrate respect for that partner." ) It's called being AN ADULT EMOTIONALLY, not just in age.
It seems DD has always been the princess in charge, and has not had to suffer consequences. Becuase of that, she controls you, and your relationship with "her kids." What a miserable existence this must be.
You said in an earlier response that the allegation only went between DD and DH, but that is most likely is not true. She will use that as her "justification" for not wanting to have him around. She was the cause of that entire incident. She doesn't have discipline or boundaries, so how can her dog be expected to? I agree with a response I read about the poor dog ending up being euthanized because its owner doesn't have the responsibility to train it properly to keep it and others safe.
At what point do you remove your rose colored love goggles for DD and look at this entire picture with clarity?
Your poor husband.
Your daughter should have
Your daughter should have apologized. What is it with younger people nowadays, they just don’t ever want to say sorry. It seems to me that they have a Mutual disliking for each other. But they are both being selfish for not making an effort to make life less complicated for you. Have you tried speaking to both of them to explain how much this hurts you? They don’t have to like each other or live in each other’s pockets, but they could at least try to get along so that holidays don’t need to be so upsetting for you. Your daughter needs to say sorry first and foremost. Good luck with that. I have a stupid 25 yr old SS who is living like a bum. I won’t allow him back into our house until he apologizes for his appalling behavior. Hell will freeze over before he will say sorry, yet his life is in the gutter without our help.
DING, Ding, ding ^^^!!! And
DING, Ding, ding ^^^!!! And OP, I guarantee once you stop bending yourself into a pretzel to appease your manipulative DD and stand by your DH, your DD will come around. If she keeps your grandchildren from you because you expect her to at least be respectful and civil to your DH then she doesn't respect you either. Why would she change her stance, she got what she wanted your DH out of her picture and you allowed it. I agree with your DH on this one.
But I get it. I'm the problem
But I get it. I'm the problem here.
No, your daughter is. She has
No, your daughter is. She has decided not to apologize and has you worried enough that she'll take the grandkids from you. It's not fair of her to put you all in the position of taking sides. However, she has, so you'll have to come to terms that her choices have caused a rift in your family.
I’m gonna have to agree
Though she is an adult, you are still her parent. You know she is wrong. You said so but you are not holding her to any consequences. And, yes, sometimes as a parent the consequences suck for the parent. Like not seeing your grandkids.
Your daughter has to apologize to your husband. It's is a petty fight and could have been over a long time ago and has just gotten bigger since she won't apologize and you won't hold her accountable. Hold her accountable. That means a consequence like no presents and no babysitting and no help until she apologizes in person to your DH.
(I'm going thru this same thing with my DH and skids right now and they are late teens so he's setting the stage for scenarios like you are in now by not holding them accountable and not following thru with parenting them.)
Sadly it appears your
Sadly it appears your daughter is emotionally abusing you. Has she threatened to take the grandchildren from you before? If you are scared that she will withhold your grandchildren because you stand beside and support your husband, that's what it is.
I would urge you to be strong and supportive of your DH, you married him - you chose him - he needs his wife in his corner. Your daughter needs to grow up and apologise to your DH. You are the only one who can lay down the law to her. Too many times parents put up with behaviour that they would NEVER otherwise entertain from another adult, but accept it when it comes from their adult child. It happened to me and my relationship was based on so much fear it was awful. I took my power back, set some strong boundaries and while it took my DD a while - we now have a better relationship for it.
You raised someone
You raised someone who you now allow to control you because she produced children. Yikes. That can't feel good when you are sitting alone with your thoughts. Especially since you must know what your husband thinks about you being emotionally blackmailed by her and treating him as an expendable second class citizen . The question is what you are going to do about it.
I am guessing that you do a lot for her since she lives across the street. You have more power than you realize. Perhaps you should start using that power and stop allowing your own child to smack you around.
"I am guessing that you do a
"I am guessing that you do a lot for her since she lives across the street. You have more power than you realize. Perhaps you should start using that power and stop allowing your own child to smack you around."
This is exactly what I was thinking. Also, stop blaming yourself - the fault doesn't lie with you. If your daughter cannot accept your husband then she doesn't get to use you for whatever it is you do for her. Seriously, what will an apology actually cost her?!
I did not see what the DD does to
use her mom? What is it?
I can guess that the DD has heard her mother complain about everything her stepsiblings have done to her mom, and is fed up.
Throwing in another vote for your daughter as the problem
I'm sure you love her very much as your daughter. From the position of internet outsider, she sounds like a Pretty awful person.
She is lucky it was your husband her dog tried to bite and not a neighbor good kid. She clearly has no control over her dog. Why was it running loose? Why does she have what appears to be an aggressive dog around her children? The dog has to know your husband who lives across the street.
She then compounds it all by being an a$& to your husband who almost got bit because she is not properly caring for her dog.
Now she is working to alienate you from her kids, trying (successfully because you aren't stopping it) to triangulate you from your husband, and worse - lives across the street but isn't even trying to be a good neighbor much less a pleasant person To be around.
Your daughter is clearly the problem. But you are making poor decisions in how to handle her.
I am on team your husband. If you don't stop this now, your daughter will continue to use her children as weapons for the rest of your life.
So all your DD was send him a text?
He needs to grow up and get over it. Some of the people responding to you are not parents and do not understand how estrangement from kids can hurt.
If you have put up with more from his kids, I can see why you are irritated. Remind him of things his kids have done to you.
Continue to see your kid/grandkids at their house.
They are stepparents and they
They are stepparents and they know how it feels to have their spouse put a poorly behaved adult kid's needs ahead of theirs. So you'd be fine with your daughter using your grandkids as hostages to get what she wants?
And I don't see any mention of him having kids or them treating her badly.
OP, if you follow this poster's advice, you may as well file for divorce. I wouldn't stay with someone who allowed their adult kids to treat me badly and control them with threats to withhold the grandchildren if they don't get their way.
It's clear that you prefer to appease your daughter over listening to your spouse's feelings, OP - so do him a favor and divorce him so he can find a woman who treats him like a partner.
In Ops follow up at 8:51 on the 29th
She indicates she has done more/put up more with her stepsons.
so it seems one sided to me.
Uh -no. She said she "put
Uh -no. She said she "put more effort into building relationships with them". That doesn't mean they were rude to her.
Well, it certainly means she has stepsons
Maybe she will come back and give more details. But I see OP thinking this is onesided.
Yes, you love to create non
Yes, you love to create non-existent information that you think proves your point.
She said she has put more
She said she has put more effort into relationships with them than he has her kids, and she feels like he looks down on her kids and that they won't measure up.
Two things with that:
1.) She has a right to try and form relationships with her SKs if that is her prerogative, and he has the right not to. There is no rule that says SPs have to care equally for their respective SKs or try to form bonds with them at the same level. This is ESPECIALLY true when talking about adult SKs who are fully-formed human beings who have their own personalities, likes, interests, etc. and have the right to be whatever kind of person they want to be. Which leads me to my second point...
2.) If one of my SSs called me a name because their animal tried to attack me and I acted defensively, and then didn't apologize for it, I'd be pretty done with them, too. I'd likely not want to form a relationship, or continue to build a relationship, with someone who acted so poorly.
I am a parent, thank you, and
I am a parent, thank you, and I’d be appalled if my child behaved this way. I’d be appalled if my stepsons behaved this way as well, and equally appalled at my husband if he allowed this kind of garbage. I would never let my child use their children as weapons without calling them out on how abusive that is. Children aren’t tools to be used and alienating them from family for the parents own petty gain is horrific.
Parents have the right to determine who sees their kids
That is life. You cannot control it. Your choice is to see them on your terms or not.
Of course. But deciding the
Of course. But deciding the children can’t see heir grandmother because you don’t like your stepfather is alienation. Alienation is abuse. That’s not in the best interest of her kids, it serves her purpose of ensuring her mother does what she wants. Nothing more.
But the DD has not said her mom cannot see the kids
The mom has been over without her husband
She said she's afraid her
She said she's afraid her daughter will not let her see the grandkids if she "doesn't follow the daughter's rules". Does that sound healthy to you?
Depends what the rules are
If it is, you can visit, dont mention your DH, that is fine.
LOL. You think it's fine to
LOL. You think it's fine to cut your mother off from her grandkids because she mentions her husband. Okey-dokey.
Haha that's crazy talk!!
This is exactly what my SD does with my DH - it is all sorts of freaking unhealthy. I reckon that if you truly think the behaviour of OP's daughter is acceptable you need to see someone about that!
Oh hogwash. I don't have to
Oh hogwash. I don't have to be a parent to understand estrangement. My SSis estranged herself and effectively cut her children out of my SF's life. I watched the man cry over it, and I've watched my mother struggle to be a good stepmother through it all.
I've watched BM try to alienate DH from his kids, too. She fails at it, but it still stings like a hot poker through the heart for my DH. It totally sucks holding your husband as he cries out of fear of losing his kids.
There's also my own estrangement from my father. While our relationship is better, in the past we would go toe-to-toe. It hurts to not think that your parent loves you and only sees their ex in you. It sucks when they don't answer or return your phone calls.
There is also the estrangement of DH from my MIL due to her enmeshment with BM. It bothers him a lot less than it bothers her, but she isn't willing to make changes. So DH has set boundaries with her.
So I'm well aware of what estrangement and attempted alienation can do to a family. I also know that, at some point, you have to set a boundary for your own sanity and the health of your family. Whether that boundary with OP is to see her daughter and grands without her DH (and telling her DH to deal with it), or telling her daughter to grow up and that she raised her better than this, or leaves her DH because she just wants to be with her grands is on her. There isn't a single solution that won't be painful in some way.
You apparently are more
You apparently are more concerned about your grands than your husband. Therefore, give your husband the break he deserves from this sick enmeshment and leave. You will be doing him a huge favor. He deserves a woman who will not allow his adult kid to abuse him with zero consequences.
100%
I agree!
I haven't read responses, but my first thought is...
Your DD MADE FALSE ALLEGATIONS. The reader is left to draw their own conclusions as to what these were? Did it involve your DH? If so, did you stand behind him in belief and support, or did you run to your DD's side? I need more details.
As it stands, and with the information presented, your DH has EVERY RIGHT to be upset and not want to be around your DD.
Remember, MARRIAGE comes first. Your marital contract should state that. "Foresaking ALL OTHERS" not situationally, or on a case by case basis. We are supposed to not give up our spouses for anyone, not our kids, grandkids etc.
Time for some DD tough love.
You are married to your
You are married to your husband, not your daughter.
Byoyr daughter lied about your husband and you did not jerk a knot in her tail over it.
I understand why your DH is hurt.