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Husband's ill health

I am nothing to them's picture

I have been married nearly 40 years and I have 2 bio children and 3 step children. They are at the age that 2 are grandparents. The 3 adult step children are very toxic, and all they think about is themselves. They lie about us and attack us via text. It's like they live to hate. They constantly want drama in their lives and every family event they are came time was always like the queens arrived. They said they considered my husband as only a sperm donor. So we stepped back and quit contacting them.I was always, and still am, the object of their hate. I know I was not a perfect stepmother or bio-mother for that matter, we all make mistakes. But it wasn't anything that you write home about. I tried my best to treat them equally. We bought them things on their birthdays and Christmas. The same was with my bios. We never went on vacation without them, so basically my kids sat on a shelf until they came over. I drove over a hundred miles to get them every other weekend because my husband was at work. We did not buy designer clothes for any of them because we did not have the money. There mom wanted the best shoes, the most expensive dresses, for them. If we could not afford it for the 2 at home we could not afford it for those outside the home. Life was not rough on any of them by any means. There mom would schedule shopping trips or family trips on our weekend, so we would miss that time with them. We never had them on a holiday, and when they got older and chose to drive to our house for the day we had schedule to celebrate our holiday, they would sometimes not get there until late at night and the other two was waiting to open presents. Still to this day they tell lies about me. My husband recently found out he has a debilitating health condition. He was once in the ER and they had equipment ready for life saving measures, so I called one, and she said, "Okay...." That was it. Then later said I never called her, "I made my kids do it when I should have done it." My bio was taking care of calling the others. Not once did they call to see if he died. My husband has got to where he can't work so he has had to retire. The doctor told him he is maxed out on his medicine for his condition so we are seeing a specialist. Since my husband had not heard from them in a few years, and they consider him a "sperm donor," he said he wasn't telling them. One of the in laws took it upon themselves to have a gossip fest with them. The next day he got texts from 2. They didn't ask about how he was doing, they wanted to tell him everything they think we did wrong. It was all half truths and full lies. But it was still all about them and this imaginary vision of what they think their horrid childhood was like. She said, you call me the me then maybe I will call you. How on earth can adults treat their parent that way? So, what you didn't get the basketball shoes you wanted, your old enough to be a grandparent and still complaining over materiistic things? They are narcissists. They have turned the grandchildren against us. Their toxic delusions have been given to them too and it makes us sick. When my husband passes, I do not want them there. I know they will make a scene and l do not feel I can handle. My husband has been my life and rock for almost 40 years and I do not know what to do. Would it be wrong to not let them be there? Should I alot them a certain amount of time to do their "It's all about me" dog and pony show then have them escorted out? I just don't know. 

ESMOD's picture

I would ask your dH what he wants to happen.  I hope he has adjusted his will accordingly as well.  It's unfortunate that they have allowed bitter seeds to blossom into hateful weeds.. but at this point, there does not seem to be much point in trying.. damned if you do.. damned if you don't.  I personally would not invite them based on their feelings towards their father.. and not publish any details of any service and keep the invite list very small and select.. to people that know not to share that information.

Survivingstephell's picture

I feel your same feelings.  I plan on having a couple of bouncers at the door armed with pictures to keep the drama away.  DH won't be there so I'm not really concerned about his comfort.  We are in agreement that he doesn't want me to deal with drama.   A funeral is NOT the time or place for abuse from these rotten skids.   That's my opinion.  You take care of yourself when the day comes.  F the skids, they made their choices.  

CLove's picture

Id like to mention the first concern before that should be:

1. Power of attorney

2. Wills and inheritance and asset allocation etc.

3. Caregiving issues - for you too!

But my opinion is very hardline =with the history that youve described, they dont need to be there. They dont seem to care about your DH. They definitely dont care about you.

CajunMom's picture

Before  even worrying about a funeral, please make sure your wills are in order, your desires are legally noted, you have a POA, a Medical POA, Living Wills, etc. all in place via a qualified attorney. PLEASE! Do not do those online wills and POAs. They are often easily contested and thrown out of court. Something to add to your will considering the crew you deal with...anyone contesting looses everything. It's a deterent that does work.

My DH and I recently had the "funeral" discussion. Came up because of a recent event...a SM friend of mine lost her husband. His bio daughter and the ex-wife showed up at the funeral and made a scene to the point my friend stepped out of the service until the SD finished her rant on the podium. SMH

My DH has said he now does NOT want a funeral. Prior, he had said he'd be cremeated and we'd have a small memorial. Now, nothing. I told him to make sure he lets his kids know this is HIS decision. So, as ESMOD said, let your DH make the decision. Then, he needs to inform his family OR he needs to have it included in his will. And if he doesn't want them at the funeral, then follow through and either have someone in charge to keep them out or hire security.  It's absolutely sickening that the adult SKs could even think to ruin such a delicate and painful event like a funeral. But they will. Get your ducks in a row.

I'm so sorry for you having to deal with this at this time in life. Toxic SK adults are just digusting.

2Tired4Drama's picture

He does not need to suffer any kind of abuse, even by text.  While you are at it, I'd block them on your phone too.

Of course you do need to have a candid conversation with your DH as to why this needs to happen and what he wants to happen when things get bad. It is his life, his illness and his choice - but you need to be perfectly clear that you WILL NOT deal with his adult children/grandchildren in any shape form or fashion. 

So whatever choice he makes he must understand that. If he wants to appoint someone else in the family who is neutral as the "go between" in communicating with his kids, he needs to arrange that now. That person can get the word out to the pack of wolves as needed.

SeeYouNever's picture

It deleted my response and I wrote so much!

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this for 40 years and their hate has not let up. Some kids just want to hurt their parents and step parents and they just never get over it. Over time the amount of hurt that they cause is a lot more than what they imagined they received when they were kids.

If you ask my SD she'll probably give you the same materialistic reasons why she doesn't associate with us anymore. You didn't take me on a vacation, you didn't take me to the movies, you wouldn't take me out to eat, you didn't buy the right brand of clothing...

When she cut us off at coincided with us starting to treat her like a real family member and not like a special guest princess that would get whatever she wanted. How dare us to say no we don't want to take you to a trampoline park and the movies this weekend We would rather go to a museum. How dare we try to pick an activity rather than wait for you to tell us what to do.

I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this for so long and that your kids missed out on things because you had to wait for the precious step kids. There is no reward at the end with stepchildren like this. Though there is an end. After the battle for inheritance you will not hear from them ever again. I hope you're ready for them to kick you while you're down. Make sure that everything and your husband's will is absolutely clear and explicit, because if step kids like this don't get what they feel they are entitled to they are going to fight fight fight.



The_Upgrade's picture

Your husband might be a sperm donor to them but you can bet your bottom dollar that if they think they were entitled to basketball shoes for all these decades, they will think they're owed the remainder of his estate as their due for a "shitty" childhood. I'm in a situation where I've been on both sides of the picture. My dad was truly abusive and as soon as I was able to, I cut contact. I don't care what he's doing, it's like he doesn't exist. I won't ever pop my head up at the will reading and see what I get. He doesn't exist and neither does his money and my life is better without him in it. My DH on the other hand is a decent father and is held at arm's length unless he comes with an open wallet. I just hate the "you owe us" attitude. If they really don't care then they should put their money where their mouth is and not care about everything.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Those offspring will be all over their father's estate when he passes.  You need to make sure that you have enough to live on so you need an iron clad will in place.

Flustered's picture

Redo your wills asap. Use an elder/ estate atty. & cross title everything to each other ( bank acts, investments, houses, etc) . A spouse getting the money doesn’t trigger any estate unless that spouse owns something alone. Then decide on an executor with a spine. Divide ALL as you both see fit (. A will will not be triggered unless a person owns things in their name alone. Write down each item ( like jewelry) you want the BK to get. )

We did this 6 mos before my husband died. We made houses life estates ( we could live in either until we died/ my BD is buying one. When he died, my lawyer changed that deed to me & her/ she gets it outright. This one? Sold after a year, profits split. We cross titled all but one $6 k bond - so I need to wait to close an estate account on that. SD got BDs car and an account we missed. Lawyer said divide that $$ from what your BD owes you on house. Fair. The purpose of a will is to not use it. Now, all pre marriage $ is mine and also what I bring in post his death. *Money we had 50/50 for girls still is. * SD is whining she is cheated because we have a trust for GK. My BGK /Sd had none. Bull… her father set it up!

You can’t please everyone. Set it up so you and DH are happy