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My husband's family still in contact with Egg Donor

Danibee's picture

Oh boy. Is there EVER a time when you have step children that there's NOT drama from either them or the BM (or Egg Donor as we lovingly call ours....)

Brief history so you can understand this. Husband and Egg Donor have two children together. SS8 and SD6. Shortly after SD turned a year old, Egg Donor cheated on husband and husband and 4 other guys (including the children's pediatrician) had to take a paternity test. Turns out it was some bum's child. Hubby divorces wife, but judge makes hubby let egg donor live in the house during her pregnancy and for the first 3 months after the baby is born. During this time, she would drop the baby off at a relative's house and go out partying - completely ignoring SS and SD. Hubby files for custody of the children and gets it. I met them a year after all this happened. Egg Donor was in and out of their lives when she felt like it, often going months between visits (living in the same town). Of course there's LOTS more to the story, as you can imagine...... Egg Donor finally traps some guy 10 years younger than her into marrying her and gets preggars right away. They move 3 states away.

Fast forward to now. I've been in children's lives for 4 years, we're married and have a daughter of our own.

I see on facebook a few months back that my husband's aunt (who lives in our same town) posted that she had lunch with Egg Donor and her two children (her other two kids, not my step children) while Egg Donor was in town dropping off SS and SD.

I was very upset and no one really understood why. Hubby was a bit annoyed, but nothing like I was.

Last week, I notice on Facebook that Aunt writes "Had a lovely lunch with my lovely niece "Egg Donor".

WHAT?!?!?!??!? Again?!?!??!??! Her NIECE?!?!??!?!??!!? WTF???????

I am so upset and feel so betrayed. All of his family knows what she did to him (and there was more than just the cheating) and how she's messed with the kids. She was only in the family for 3 years, and never really close to any of them. Why are they now having lunch with her and meeting her other children. It seems like a slap in the face to me.

SD has had a LONG history of behavorial problems and we've been to countless hours of counceling, a lot of it stemming from Egg Donor's head games with them. She cheated on my husband and compeletely ruined his life. She killed his credit, she trashed his house, she alienated his friends... it goes on and on.

And to top it all off, this Aunt used to work for Department of Children and Families and is now volunteers for the Guardian Ad Litem program. She knows first hand how a messed up individual can affect their children.

Has anyone dealt with anything like this before???

MommyToAMillion's picture

I kindof know how you feel..

My soon to be SIL recently adopted a baby, and I wasn't invited, or even told about it. But when SD came to visit, afterward, we heard all about how she and mommy went to SIL's baby shower and ate dinner with SIL and BIL.

bitches.

I have yet to decide if I will invite SIL to my baby shower.

stepmasochist's picture

Write her off. Have nothing to do with her. Defriend her from Facebook so you don't have to look at that crap.

Though I've never experienced this, I think it's a betrayal and I can see why you're upset. That woman is not her niece. Does the aunt have something against you? Maybe if she and DH are close, DH could let her know that her relationship with BM is upsetting to you both and though neither of you is telling her who to be friends with, BM is no longer family and shouldn't be treated as such. If the aunt would rather be friends with BM than have a relationship with you and DH, then she can take a flying leap.

japanspring's picture

Don’t even bother. It’s hard, I know, not to pay attention. If the aunt agreed to have lunch with BM knowing what BM did to her nephew (your husband), that tells a lot about the aunt. But I would tell my husband that I was very disappointed and hurt by what I read. And that’s it.

stepmasochist's picture

Oh my, what a nightmare. I'm letting the skids in on the fact early that DH and I have no desire to hang out socially with their mother so maybe as adults they won't be doing this.

DH and I have birthdays that are close together. For a few years we had a big karaoke bash combining the two. The kids very much look forward to our birthday parties because they love a big bbq with all of the family and family friends. The second time we had it, they asked me, why can't momma come to the party? Mind you, they were 9,7 and 5 years old at the time. I said, "Because it's MY birthday party and I'd only like to invite my friends. Your mother and I aren't friends. I don't expect to be invited to her parties and I'm okay with that. I'm sure your mom's a neat lady, it's just not a good idea." It really hasn't come up since.

starfish's picture

we did the same "explaining to young skids that bm & us (dh & i) don't mesh" ~~ they have never even suggested/requested/inquired bm be involved with anything that we do... BUT somehow mil is always involving bm ~~ she blames it on the skids, but i'm not so sure mil isn't the influencer.

PoisonApples's picture

My So's father sends birthday cards with his usual gift of 50 Euro to BMs house - even if we have them on their birthdays and he is invited to our home for a birthday party.

This REALLY bugs me for several reasons:

1. It gives her the impression that he's on HER side.

2. The skids don't get the money he sends, she keeps it.

I discussed it with SO and he mentioned to his father that she was using this to get digs in at me and him about how is family liked her better.

Now this last year she's really shown her true colours even to him. Before this year she was careful not to be a bitch in front of him but this year she's really crossed the line several times. A few weeks ago he described her as 'diabolical' and 'despicable'. He's always known that she goes out of her way to make things difficult but he's a really, really nice guy who abhors conflict and I know that he sent the stuff there just to keep from making her feel that she was outcast. I honestly believe that will change now. The next birthday is in September and I'll be surprised (and disappointed) if she still sends stuff to her house.

japanspring's picture

I agree with you , StepAside.
It is much better for everybody not to involve exes in their current relationship/marriage.It's a matter of respect. Besides,the relationship with the ex is in the past and should not be brought up into the present situation.It is tough for the children to move between 2 families, but if the stepparents are caring people, I don't see why they shouldn't.
Often ex wives/partners are jelouse of their ex husbands'new partners/wives that they find victourious the fact that aunts, uncles or even in-laws give them a bit of attention. That's pittiful.
My stepson's mother tried that with my husband and his parents , but they did not pay her any attention. Especially my father-in-law. For him, that woman doesn't even exist and she knows that.

Rags's picture

We have dealt with nothing remotely close to this one.

SpermGrandMa cleans houses for several attorneys and judges who according to SpermGrandMa tells her all kinds of things that we are in violation of regarding the Court Order governing Custody/Visitation/Support of our son (my SS-17).

Of course SpermGrandMa will just through these supposed issues around in conversation with my wife and will do absolutely nothing about them. We just tell her that if she beleives that crap then get an attorney and we will see she and the rest of the SpermClan in court. She freaks and says "you always threaten court and you would love to go back to court".

Apparently the comments SpermGrandMa picks up from her attorney/judge house cleaning clients she gets when she cleans their toilets since what she quotes from them they obviously blew out their asses.

For years my mom would comment "they can't possibly be as bad as you say they are" when my wife or I would discuss the situation with my parents. Now, 16yrs in to our blended family adventure, my mom is very clear on how completly moronic the SpermClan is.

Good luck with this crap. Your husbands aunt seems clueless to the fact that is betraying her nephew for his adulterouse whore of an XW.

Best regards.

violetforest's picture

so sorry that you are going through this but I am so glad to hear that someone else is having the same issues that I am.

I would have no problem with everyone visiting if everyone got along. But . MIL and FIL dont even communicate with bf or ss who lives with here. They accuse me of horrible things and even when they went to the court ordered family therapist (who has all records, court reports and such) WITH BM instead of BF and were told that there were no issues of concern and that they needed to follow the recommendations of the court they refused because of their religious beliefs. (once you are married you are married - BM WAS THE ONE WHO HAD THE AFFAIRS notice plural - but they claim that bf should forgive and that he is living in sin since he remarried)

They do not recognize myself or the rest of the kids in the family (we have been married for almost 10 years) bm's wedding picture is still up on their wall and they go to visit with bm and other ss that lives with her. they dont have our wedding picture up and they refuse to put up any of the stepkids pictures because "we are not their grandparents". They claim that they are bastard children and that they were told by the kids father that he didnt even know if the kids were his. (they are but that is another story for another day)

They have no idea what they are missing out on. my youngest child was a year old when I left their father and he a few years later passed away leaving their son as the only male father figure in the kids lives. youngest son even choose to begin to use hubby's last name last year for his own, he is now in 5th grade.

We were purchasing a home from hubby's grandmother and since she has become too ill to take care of her own affairs and now MIL has taken over. They have refused to put anything in writing per the verbal agreement and we have all the records indicating that we were purchasing the home, who pays over 1200.00 a month in rent in an area that you can pay around 4-500.00 per month to rent a 4 bedroom home. Yes we are a very rural community. We paid all the taxes, insurance, added on an additional home improvement loan and built on doubling the size and worth of the home.

They constantly interferre with bf's parenting. This I believe is even more hurtful than what BM does. I really don't know if their relationship will ever be able to be repaired. Last week ss came down and spent the week with the grandparents but bf was not contacted and they refused to allow bf to see ss because it would make bm mad and then they would not get to see ss.

Keep in touch and let me know what you find that works to handle things. We are seriously thinking about moving out of the area to avoid the stress.

starfish's picture

AHHH!! the family still sucking BMs ass!!!

oooh, this is one of my biggest issues with the whole stepshit... mil and sil (sil not as bad as mil anymore) talk about bm like she is trailer trash, mil threatened (not to bm but to us behind bm's back) to call CPS b/c she doesn't keep her home clean enough.... and mil always sends her bday gift (usually mil, sil, bm and skids go to lunch for her bday), christmas gift, etc... BUT they talk so bad about her, and still invite her to mil's house...mil has opened her house to bm, and the bm's whole trailer park to go swimming while mil is at work... the list is never ending... but she'll bold faced say right to mine & dh's face how much she can't stand BM.... WTF?

i don't know why the feel they owe her for f#cking over dh?

now i need a drink, to cool the boiling blood!

violetforest's picture

Smile lol, oh yes headed to the camper to find out what is out there. At this point I really don't care what it is, I think I might even drink a beer if that is all we have.

LizzieA's picture

This crap is so common--it would be OK if everyone was civil but when they take sides and work against the new wife---that is too much. I experienced that to my surprise and dismay. Suddenly lazy ass slacker BM was the new hero to my SILs. Who cares that she screwed over DH? Ruined the kids. And blew apart her own family with her stupidity. Someone mentioned moving far away. We did. And PTL!

violetforest's picture

I so don't want any of my children to feel the way that I have been made to feel by my ex's (I consider my current inlaws my ex's also as they are so mean to my hubby, oldest ss and my kids)

As for the camper, I'm now getting accused of being an alcoholic by bm and exilaws, so I am really going to try to see if I can fit it into my schedule between taking care of bm's kids. I am really going to see if I can make it into my new habit. hehhe When my two oldest children found out what she was claiming they began to laugh. the oldest one commented "I've never even seen you drunk mom!" (she, now 21 has but it was really long ago and we just had the babysitter stay over to fix breakfast for the kids)

not much in the camper, I used to drink something called tawney, (sp) headed to the store to see if they have any. Really good in the winter in front of the fire. I'll just need to make due. On a side note youngest son age 10 just made his first batch of homemade brownies and they turned out perfect - all without anyone's help. (ya I'm really messing up my kids, shame on me for teaching them to cook and use the oven at such a young age) brownies and booze, yayayayay