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How do you make boundaries and learn to let go

catkey's picture

DThis is my 1st post so here goes. My sd recently had her first child. My sd doesn't like me. Its been up and down for years. I've grown tired of the ATTITUDE! I've decided to detach. I don't know how to do this. I'm very close with 3 of my 5 grandchildren and relatively close to the other 2. ( all steps) I don't want to get close to this baby because I know in the long run I will get hurt and I'm really tired of getting hurt by her. My dh is going to see the baby tomorrow, he asked if I would go and I said no. I also told him that I don't want our lives to be he goes with the kids and I'm always left out. Its never been that way but I feel its time for me to protect myself. I was the step mom who celebrated all the events,let the kids move in with us when they needed to. Watched out for my ss wife and kids when he was at war . I loved doing for these kids and especially for the grandkids. I moved away from my home state so my dh could be close to his kids. Now I feel confused. How do you set boundaries in this situation and how do you let go of a dream of having a happy step family?

sandye21's picture

Are you still close to SS and his family and are they leaving you out of their family events? Is SD the only skid you are having problems with? If so, you really don't have to be around toxic people - including SD. Your DH needs to let his daughter know that your marriage is top priority for him. My DH never did and this led to all sorts of problems. I had to protect myself and set boundaries on my own.

In bio-families we have golden, idealistic dreams of warm, fuzzy relationships but just like most people I had to let go of some of those dreams because in the real world people are not always nice. The same should hold true for step-familes too. I had the same dreams you did for a close realtionship with my SD but I got tired of putting up with her mean BS.

Give disengagement a try for a few months. You might find it is a lot better giving up on the dream than living with the alternative.

Jane73's picture

I think you sound like a wonderful caring SM, and that you have tried your very best.
And that is all one can expect, in my opinion.
I am both a SM and have a SM, and I know how it is to be resented and to resent one. Oh - the ironi of life ... I have come to the conclution that expecting everyone to be happy in a step-familiy is simply too much to ask. But, I`ll never give up the dream about it, if you see what I mean;-)

I think your stategy where you allow/leave it to your DH to deal with the new baby is worth a try. But I`d make sure my name was put on the gift tags etc so your SD knows that you at least recognize her baby. And it is not the babys fault that it has your SD for mom. Perhaps with time, your SD might come to realize that you do in fact have some qualities, now that she has had that baby. I`d make sure the knew that you and DH would be there if needed, but apart from that simply leave her alone to take initiative.

It took me a good 10 years to come to terms with my SM, after I had my baby, and no - we are still not the best of friends. But we can communicate about the kid when we meet at Christmas etc so at least we have some common ground now.
I can see that I will find it very difficult when my SD who hates me from the bottom of her heart has kids, but I have already decided to step back and to be friendly with them on their terms and still be completely disengaged to my SD.

Spend your energy on those who want and treasure your company, but please don`t shut the door completely for the little one, even if you can`t stand its mother. It might very much need a grandmom like you in the future.

Good luck!