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Here is another scenario I found, what is everyone's thoughts?

Movingonisbest's picture

I saw this posted on a social media site "My new husband and I have only been married for two months. We are both Christians and try to live by the word of God. He is my soulmate. The problem is his two daughters. One 16 and one almost 21. They are very rude and disrespectful. Up until we got married. We got along relatively well. But it seems like as soon as I moved in, it has gotten terrible. They lie on me. They are up cooking at 11:00-12:00 in the morning. The 17 year old puts the phone on speaker and talk bad about me so I can hear it. She just yelled at me and called me a liar. Something that she later found out she was mistaken. She said she doesn’t have to listen or respect me. The 21 moved out but still comes over and causes problems. Just last week she blocked the driveway so I couldn’t get in and I had to walk all the way to the house with a sprain ankle and a boot on. She even had the nerve to complain about me being in my bedroom too much. And what is making me mad is that my husband said he understands why she parked there but he told her not to do it again. He understands why she is disrespectful but he told her not to be. He has not once made them apologize. I asked him to tell the oldest one NOT to come over when he is gone to work. Every third day he is gone for work. He cannot even agree to to that. And please know that each time he is at work is when something happens and I have not said one word to them because I know if will be on and poppin if I do. I love my husband but I cannot live in a situation like this. Last night I went back to my townhouse because I was at my wits end.  I do regret moving into his house, but I do not regret marrying him. Any advice would be helpful."

One of the most extreme comments to this said "First off... that's their house way before you moved in. If my dad was to move his new wife into our home and the new wife tried to put "new" rules... that would not fly over very well. 
If you wanna be the rule maker of the house,  move your husband into your townhouse."

The person who made that comment also said "Some folks wanna move on with their lives with little to zero regard to have the kids feel. The stepmom sounds like she's in competition with his daughters and wants the husband to choose her side. She sounds bossy and her husband is obviously passive and his daughters are giving her a run for her money.  Lol."

What are everyone's thoughts on this scenario?


ldvilen's picture

Yeah, LOL alright.  Unfortunate typical case where the roles are all messed up.  Happens all the time in step situations.  Children (daughters in this case) wind up being treated more like a wife and a wife winds up being treated more like a child.  Disney dad brings a new wife home and now has to be a husband too, but his girls are used to being more like daddy’s wife now, having pretty much fulfilled all of his needs, other than sexual, for months or even years.  Dad allowed this and more than likely thought it was great—having his little fussy “girls”all over him.

Before the new wife moves in, all seems to go okay because the DaughterWives just assume they’ll still get to be the alpha females in the home.  Of course, when SM, dad’s new wife moves in, she wants to fulfill her role as a wife, a wife in the year 2020 and not 1920.  She expects to be her husband’s partner, equal partner, no matter whose home they are in.  Dad, who needs to be the one to do something in this case, does nothing to little because, “He doesn’t want to be put in the middle.”  Yes, that’s right.  Dad set this whole thing up years ago by permitting his children to rule the roost, so to speak, and now he has the audacity to think it is up to SM, his wife to figure it out and make nice and make it all work somehow. 

A step-parent has little authority.  For Disney dads, they have all this authority, YET refuse to use that authority or like to pretend they don’t really have it.  So, in this case, SM is stuck with two SDs that wind up competing with her fiercely for the #1 wife/ woman spot with dad.  Meanwhile, dad, who, again, set all of this up, just sits back and acts like he’s done no wrong and doesn’t want to be stuck in the middle.  If his wife complains to him or ask for any help dealing with his own children, DH will minimize what is occurring and quickly move on.  Meanwhile, since dad has equalized the child role and the spouse role to more-or-less be one in the same in his household, SM and SKs are going at it with each other for the #1 woman, alpha female spot.  Not a very Christian thing to do, either.

Nice, huh!?  If bio-dads/ DHs and everyone else would just treat spouses like spouses and children like children, at least ½ of the SM problems you read on these pages wouldn’t exist.  But, for !@#$!$ reason, you throw the term SM in the mix, and rather than a wife being a wife and being treated as a wife, she is thought of as more as dad’s ho, that every other child or woman (such as BM) in the initial family has to compete with.  As much as this sucks, it is unfortunately not all that uncommon with SMs, in particular.  Yet another reason to never become one.

wunderwhy's picture

I am a SM and have a similar experience. I agree with the comments. Seems like an all too common scenario. Disney dad and his princesses. Lucky I have my own house!  Took me years to accept that I am not and never will be #1 . 

Unsureofthis's picture

Technically the SM has moved in with them and altered their comfortable routines. It makes it harder for the SM to establish new rules and become the alpha female of the house without the SDs getting their noses out of joint. It sounds like the SD in this situation is doing everything in her power to reinstate her place as most important person in her dad's life.

That said, I have the reverse situation where DH moved in with me in my house and his daughters initially thought that they could still rule the roost because their dad lives there and it is "Dad's house". The fact of the matter is it's MY house and they should follow MY rules - e.g. SDs cannot come over when DH is at work, or DH cannot go out with his friends if she is staying over. I got a lot of push back on that rule initially but it seems to have been accepted. OSD once took my carspot outside the house when she dropped over and DH made her move her car, without me saying anything. That was a victory moment for me. It has shown me that it is in fact a "DH problem" like everyone on this forum says. SDs will continue to run amok until DH puts his foot down and establishes boundaries. The fact that it was my house made it easier for me to be firm with DH as I also made it clear that if he didn't change things he would be moving out. I don't know what the situation would have been like if I had moved in with him and his entitled and manipulative SD.

Unless the poster's DH resets the rules of the house, the SM might as well throw in the towel.

Movingonisbest's picture

Idvilen, your take on this is right on point. When I read the writer's post I felt so sad for her. I was a bit appalled by the commenters opinion. The house is not his kid's house, it is house and after marriage, his wife's house too. I don't know why a man would set this dysfunctional dynamic up and not attempt to fix it. If he truly is a Christian man, he sure isn't behaving like it. Disrespect of his wife, is disrespect of him. Smh

Movingonisbest's picture

Unsureofthis did you two decide it was best to move into your house as opposed to his house because you figure you might be facing similar problems that this stepmother is experiencing?  With these father I don't understand why it is so hard for them to just set rules. My ex even said to me one day just give him x more months to show me what a beautiful life he was planning for us. Even started talking about marriage. Thing is I wasn't giving him anymore time. It only takes 10 or 20 minutes to get his adult kids together and let them know from this day forward they will be financially supporting themselves and why. Truth is he should have did that before asking me to be in a relationship with him. No way was I giving him more time to fix things.

Unsureofthis's picture

He had just gone through a divorce and sold the family home so it was an easy decision for him - not for me however as I had major reservations because I knew he would be moving further away from his children. However, I was totally naive to the territorial issues that would result from such a move, merely by the fact that SD felt it was now her dad's house and hence she had every right to it. DH plays the victim card (or used to) quite hard and would just be so grateful when SD came to stay and initially I just had to suck it up so that he got to spend time with her on her terms. SD knew she was the favourite and could get away with anything. There are rules now though - 18 months in - but only because it dawned on me that it is my house and I made it clear that he can move out if it doesn't suit him and SD. In hindsight it would have been better to have bought something together but he wasn't in a position to do that, and truth be told now that I know the control SD has over DH I like the fact that I *can* kick him out if I get desperate.

Rags's picture

Typical ball-less prior failed family breeder daddy issues.  Won't actually partner with his new spouse, facilitates failed family Xs and associated breeding experiments infecting his subsequent relationships.

Seek the former. Do not tolerate the later.

There are plenty of people of character who have prior relationships and children from those prior relationships who raise their children well and keep their X's in their place. These are the quality potential partners from the divorced parent pool.  We all would do ourselves a favor by making sure our partners are from either that pool or the zero baggage pool rather than from the pool of partners who fail to keep their past where it belongs and fail to manage their past effectively.

IMHO of course.

Movingonisbest's picture

Do you all believe this man knew his kids were going to behave like this prior to marrying this woman? The stepmom that posted "He understands why she is disrespectful but he told her not to be." I wonder what that really means. Besides if he told her not to be disrespectful and she still is then what is his plan? To do nothing? If he truly loves his wife, how can he really not set some boundaries with his kids? 

Rags's picture

It does not matter if he knew his kids would behave this way or not IMHO. What matters is that he is not man enough to put his foot up their asses, prioritize his wife and marriage, and mandate that his toxic failed family spawn interface with his wife within their marriage respectfully.

However, he knew his kids would behave this way because he is the one who has raised them to behave this way.  He of course would deny that he knew, but he knew.


Movingonisbest's picture

It is pretty pathetic that these so called men are so terrified of losing their adult kids if they put them in their place. Or scared if they don't buy their adult kids love they will disown them.nine times out of 10, if adult kids act like that they are miserable beings anyway.  So they then want to make their fathers, their fathers significant other, and other members of the family miserable. My ex helps financially support his adult kids and they still treat him like crap, never visit him, etc. So what would he really miss out on if they stopped talking to him?  His adult kids are failing in life. Though he used to say how great life is to him, what he says and how he looks don't add up. He was looking extremely tired, stressed, and run down.

Miss T's picture

... that causes divorced people to behave this way toward their spawn. I have found that anyone with kids can put on the blinders.

I'm not actually all that ancient, but I was brought up in a household where the adults seemed to think it their duty to socialize their young, or at least to convince us to behave tolerably in polite company. A complaint from the school meant suffering not only the teacher's ire but that of our elders. Slip a piece of candy in your pocket without paying for it? Your punishment was parental wrath plus the humiliation of being marched to the merchant to make restitution and grovel. Yeah, yeah, and we walked 50 miles barefoot in the snow to and from school every day. Geesh.

Anyway, one of my first grown-up jobs involved working with adolescents. They weren't in juvie or anything, just ordinary free range kids. A few days in, one of them got very nasty with me. Per job requirements, I wrote the kid up and passed the info to my superior, who approved the complaint and conveyed it to the parents.

The blowback shocked me. How could I accuse little Johnny (or whatever his name was), this upstanding young man, this innocent, of such vile behavior? I was surely mentally ill, had no business working with children, if I could level such hostility toward a child (a six-foot, 200-pound beast with a mouth on him like a sailor). And so on. Nor was this the only time something like this happened to me (and, as I learned, to my coworkers), although I did learn how to avoid the worst parental defenses of their brats.

What I'm saying here is that it doesn't take divorce to knock a screw loose in a parent's head. Apparently anyone who spawns can display this kind of poor parentlng and stupidity.


jam's picture

I made the mistake of moving into my dh home & selling my home when we married. Dh's home was his marital home from his prior marriage. NOW my advise to anyone thinking of a marriage to a partner with children is to SELL both homes and buy one together AND the decision in purchasing a new home DOES NOT include ANY opinion from skids and the set up of the new home does not include skids opinion either. That wont solve all the problems but it at least helps a little with the territory issue.

My first few years were terrible and to this day I really hate being a step mom. Things have gotten better but I really think that is because two of my dh's three children through a trantrum and when they did not get their way they mentally divorced their father and have become totally estranged. That is daddy's punishment for not being obedient. 

So at the moment I only have to deal with one SD. Things have gotten better but only because I FOUGHT for my position.

My dh & I were married for nine years when we purchased our new home. At that time we were estranged from the middle SD and had an off and on relationship with SS. The skids resented us purchasing a new home.

The oldest SD is VERY passive agressive and fights from a position of innocence and/or victimhood. 

The day we started moving into our new home, my oldest sd had us babysit her two year old son. My dh didn't see a problem with that. What the HELL !!

After we moved in, my SD would then come for a visit. She had two kids at the time we bought our new home and shortly afterwards had three. Her children were all bed wetters and she did NOTHING to protect my beds. Every single nite she stayed at my home the kids wet the beds. It was so frustrating and exhausting. SD simply acted like the kids had another accident while I am working my tale end off striping beds, doing landry and remaking beds just to repeat it all over the next day. SD never offered an apology nor offered to help clean up the mess. After YEARS of putting up with wet beds I laid down the law. I insisted that sgkids wear pull-ups EVERY night there were at my home. SD did push back but I did win that battle. Now she has five kids and SD rarley comes over to spend the night. Funny but she stopped coming for overnights when I insisted the kids wear pull-ups in spite of her push back. Guess she thought that she would punish my dh for not standing up for her.

Like so many on here, I have discovered I really did not have a skid problem. I had a dh problem and still do to some degree. 

Idvilen is so EXACTLY right on!!!!

I was treated more like the child and my sd was treated like the wife. I had to fight long and hard for my position as the WIFE and PARTNER !!!! How exhausting to fight as an adult from the position of a child.

One day I woke up and realized I was in this battle TOTALLY ALONE!!! I was on one side and there was my dh, skids, inlaws, and society on the other.

I am so thankful for this site!



Dogmom1321's picture

Yes! A new fresh start is best for everyone. DH has good intentions when we were buying a house together after we got married. We would go look and if we found one we really liked, he wanted SD (7 at the time) to tag along and see if she liked it as well. 

Well, it backfired, as I thought it would when you involve a 7 year old in any kind of decision making. She didn't like it because "it doesn't have a pooooool" Well, DH said, too bad we're getting it anyway. Lol, so why even ask her in the first place? SD was in a delusion for about a year that DH was going to build a pool in the backyard. Until we broke the news, "We just spent over ______ amount of money in court, no we are not getting a pool." SD continually would be negative for months on end... "I liked the last house better." "I wish we got a different one instead." etc etc etc. 

Looking back now, SD more than likely "didn't like the house" but just didn't like DH was making decisions with me rather than her for once at the beginning of our marriage. She definitely had miniwife syndrome, which led her to be totally confused and in a daze that dadddddyyyy wasn't giving in to her every whim. 

So yeah, don't involve the SK in any major decision making if you can avoid it. It gives them a false sense of power and entitlement. 

wunderwhy's picture

We SMs are not alone. We are not cold hearted . Yes,thanks to this site there is some sanity.

shamds's picture

follow the original status quo.

we continually abused, manipulated and guilted daddy or mummy so suck it up biatch!! Except when you add new family members, the family dynamics must change. Bio parents are responsible for setting those basic expectations and making their kids adjust.

i have been married to hubby just over 5.5 yrs now, we have 2 kids together and known one another about 7 yrs, to this very day if hubby tells me ss22 needs more time to adjust i simply tell hubby that ss22 needs to grow the fuc* up and same as sd24.5 and sd14.5. What? They need more time to be decent pleasant and civil human beings??

Miss T's picture

... are that it is amazing how many people who clearly have not walked in our shoes, are so ready to opine on what we are doing wrong and how we should improve our behavior.

ldvilen's picture

Throwing another, "What the H- did I get myself into" log on the fire, it truly is amazing that step-parenting is one of these roles that pretty much everyone under the sun thinks they know more about than actual step-parents themselves.  Doesn't matter the person's age (could be 12, for ex.), experience, role, etc., they'll all chime in on step-parenting, particularly step-mothering advice, and no one will even flinch.  If you were an avg. person on the street and tried to give a tenured cop advice on how to police or a tenured professor advice on how to teach, for examples, you'd be laughed at, for sure.  But if you're a 16 YO and you give advice on how to step-parent, people think it's golden, esp. if you say things akin to "back off," "mind your place," etc. 

I've seen some SKs try to say they know what it is like to be a SP because they've been a SK?  Really!?  That's like a Republican saying they know what it is like to be a Democrat because they've been a Republican.  Unless you been a SP, you have absolutely no clue.  Even I, with a love for sociology, would never have guessed the absolute backwardness and dark ages mentality and sexism that gets thrown at SMs as "good" advice.  Yeah, what the H- did we all get ourselves into!?