Help understanding SD
I'd like to get feedback on my situation with my adult SD who's in their 40's, who just got married a few years ago. I'll provide a condensed background to hopefully give some sight to the current situation. I've been with my husband 21 years. My husband' has two children and I have two children. My husband's children never lived with us, but my youngest child does. At first his children were always pleasant and his son would eat dinner with us frequently. As time went on we only saw his children mainly for Christmas. My SD and him had a bit of a strained relationship and never contacted her father unless she needed money, christmas , or her birthday. She always appeared pleasant but kept her distance.When my son was in kindergarten my husband talked me into allowing my SD (25 at the time) to watch my son after school, what a nightmare. She was irresponsible, ignored him, sat on the internet picking up guys and my child was almost hurt due to her negligence.Prior to this incident I always was pleasant to my stepchildren bought them gifts, made dinner on their birthday and ordered a cake. Even though my husband husband claimed he wanted a big happy family I really didn't see him do anything to facilitate that concept. I admit I was very upset with my SD behavior and lack of care of my son, I did briefly let it go. However, during that time my husband was having issues controlling his temper and anytime I didn't want to have his children over or his grandson who would constantly kick my son in the face he'd become belligerent. He always would take their side and talk mainly when I wasn't around. Because of my husband's temper, taking his children's side, and my SD& SS attitude (?the way the spoke to me, etc) I started to resent my step children and my grandson because he never listened and my husband always blamed my son the issues between them. I finally gave up trying kept my distance didn't talk about his children unless he brought them up and I listened. I'm sure he can tell I'm not fond of them even though I don't say anything. That was a little background information now his SS , I barely see only briefly he's kept his distance. However, my SD after not talking with her father for a whole year now calls or texts almost daily. At first when she decided to talk with us again she tried the texting thing with me even told me she loved me once or twice. Of course, that only lasted a few weeks. Now she goes to her Dad when she wants something or if she chooses to come over. I resent that he allows her to control what day she wants to come instead of discussing which day with me. I'm always courteous and ask if friends or family members of mine come over. I did try again to give her the benefit of the doubt but I really hesitate trusting her with out past history. I admit I have had my share of children drama, and I had issues with my own stepmother not wanting me around. Lastly, I'm also dealing with my SD husband he's rather assertive and that really bugs me. It's like she has recruited him to help her. I'm Really conflicted , I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but hate fakeness , and I'm hurt she didn't apologize for her bad behavior not taking care of my child. I'm also irritated that my husband never took my side or my child's, which he claimed to love as his own. What should I do give her the benefit of the doubt is she truly sincere? Or keep my distance which will cause my husband to get upset because he wants me to have them over cook for them, etc. Any suggestions am I wrong about my thinking? Suggestions please. Thank you.
Nope. Idiot toxic Skidults who pull this kind of shit never get
the BOTD.
Ever.
Write her off, inform your DH that she will never be tolerated near your children, in your home or near your family. DH can wallow in his shallow and polluted Kidult gene pool on his own time away from you and yours.
Stand your ground and do not tolerate your SKids to pollute your life or the lives of your own children. The Skidults have not earned that.
Toxic is a write off. So, write them off.
As for your DH, his delusion regarding his shallow and polluted gene pool progeny makes him highly suspect as a viable partner.
IMHO of course.
It seems that you have more
It seems that you have more of a husband problem. Considering everything, he needs to respect your right to not have a close relationship with his daughter, if you don't want to.
If he wants to have his daughter and her husband over, that is something that you discuss and decide together, and HE can do the cooking or order in.
I think your SD has seen, over the years, that your husband doesn't have much respect for you, so why should she?
Think about this...
Just because someone tells you they love you, doesn't mean it's true.
That is the case with your SD. And to be honest, I think it's the case with your DH too. SD probably learned it from him as a way of manipulating people and getting what they want. Isn't that what your DH does to you?
If you DH loved you, he would not allow you to be treated this way. If he loved you, he would not use his "temper" to control you or be belligerant when he doesn't get his way. He would not expect you to cook and be a servant to his adult children, especially when they've treated you disrespectfully.
You don't say how old your child is, but I would not sacrifice one minute of that child's life in an unhealthy home situation like this. .
Yes.
Yes.
I used those words "....has trouble controlling his temper." This means abusive, either emotionally or physically.
And assertive is ok, but not in tandem with temper and control.
You husband is not a good person and forget his adult children. You've got to deal with your marriage first.