Heart Felt Plea
So some of you know that I have a 21 yr old SD and her 2.5 yr old son living with us for the past 10 months. This is not the first she has lived with us since being an adult. The last she lived with us was when she was pregnant, and her "fiance" moved in with us too. They lived with us for about a year back then, and it nearly drove me up the wall with how they took over our apartment.
Ever since she moved back in, it's like our entire lives have been centered around her. I sat down with my wife on Mother's Day and had a heart-to-heart talk. I told her that I felt like our lives have revolved around SD and her kid, and while I understood that when she first moved in she would need a lot of support (her infant son was killed) but now it has been 10 months. Even our house that was bought in Dec was bought with the SD in mind since she has the upper bonus room to herself. I said that I want my wife back. I told her that we are still newlyweds and its time we get back to making time for each other and it's time for her to start enforcing consequences. Last weekend some of you will remember that she didn't come home till 7am when she supposed to be back by 3am before her kid woke up. I told her that it feels like she is more scared of making her daughter mad than she is of losing me. It was a very emotional conversation and I felt like I finally got through to my wife.
So then this past weekend do you know what my wife agrees to do? She agrees to babysit the grandkid while the SD goes to Seattle for a concert. I was upset the entire weekend. One of the conditions on the SD moving back in is that she was supposed to stop putting so many miles on our car, and that if she wanted to go out she needed to find a babysitter. I told my wife I don't understand how a single mother with a 2.5 yr old kid gets to go out and have more fun than we do, and we don't have kids. It's totally unacceptable and I was so pissed because I just poured my heart out to her the weekend before about how I need my wife back. I want her out of my house before I lose my mind!!!
How does she support herself?
How does she support herself? Sounds like you need a plan to get her on her own feet and out of your house...I feel sorry for the 2.5 year old.
A few weeks ago she started
A few weeks ago she started working, but basically we are supporting her and her kid except for the $400 a month she gets from Cash Assistance or whatever govt agency is giving it to her. Yes I feel sorry for the kid too because she doesn't do anything with him except sit on the couch texting while he runs around. Plus she curses at him when she gets upset, which is another issue in itself.
As far as a plan goes, I approached my wife a few months ago and said I would like her to have her own place within 3 years. Surely 3 years is enough time for someone to get on their feet right? Needless to say it just caused an argument and I almost had to sleep on the couch that night.
The first mistake that you
The first mistake that you made was letting her move in and now it will take a crane to get her out of there.
Your wife is enabling her and next thing you know she will be pg again.
See what makes this difficult
See what makes this difficult is she moved back in because her infant son was killed and her fiance she was living with at the time went to jail for it. That's the only reason I let her move back in. Yes you are right, now that we have a house instead of an apartment, she probably won't move out until she finds some guy to live with.
I really thought three years would be plenty of time, but I was made to feel like I was evil for wanting to kick her out at all. My plan would be to make her have her own vehicle within 6 months, and then move out within 2-3 years, but I just don't the wife will ever allow her precious baby to have to fend for herself.
About 2 months ago she moved
About 2 months ago she moved out because she says "I lied on her and said she was doing something when she really didn't". She was living with her kid at my MIL's house. God bless my MIL, because she wouldn't put up with her shit either. So then the SD asked if she could leave her kid with us for 2 months while she figures things out. I said this was fun, but it was NOT going to be a 2 month vacation for her. She was expected to spend EVERY weekend at our house and pay child support. Once she knew there were gonna be RULES, she wasn't so keen with leaving him with us and wanted to move back in.
I felt 3 years was a good amount of time because she said she wanted to go to school and get an associate's degree. Mind you I wouldn't mind her living with us if she's going to do the right thing. But doing the right thing means that we are NOT built-in babysitters while she hangs out on the weekend.
I too think 3 years to too
I too think 3 years to too long. I think a year would suffice. I too feel sorry for the toddler and I can understand SD was rebounding from the tragedy of having her child killed, but it's time to set some timelines.
You and DW need to get a plan for SD to start saving for a place and perhaps even go back to school so she can be self reliant. After a year, she should have enough for a place and perhaps a used vehicle. Remind her that the state also provides funding for child care.
Take your life back . .before you end up like me . . SD damn near 30 still living at home causing conflicts by not doing what we ask her to do, in no hurry to leave, and DH too jellyback to put his foot in her behind because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. And for the record we're still newlyweds as well and sex is something other people have
3 Years...You are way too
3 Years...You are way too tolerant....Get a plan now for her to be out in 6 months. No more. If mom doesn't like it then you need to start figuring if this is the relationship for you...Her mom is enabling her because she wants her grandchild there and is afraid of losing another one. It is really hard to rationalize with a protective grandma...
My parents had a good
My parents had a good solution to getting me out of the house after I graduated. The house rules never changed for me from the time I hit middle school until I got out on my own. To this day, if I go home, house rules are the same. They were for my 20-something older brother, too, when he moved home due to a divorce.
I have to be home at 10pm on weeknights, midnight on friday and saturday, there was never a vehicle lent to me. If I wanted to go somewhere and didn't have transportation, I could take a cab or the bus. They never paid for anything for me, not insurance, clothes, food...nothing! Once I graduated school, my rent was $400 a month, plus I had to pay a percentage of the grocery bill. If I was gone somewhere other than work, I had to leave my mom with a phone number and she had to be able to call and talk to an adult.
Nothing like being treated like a baby to get your ass in gear! I moved out the summer after graduation and I'm very close to my parents.
Give your SD some rules, and a timeline. If she can't pull it out in 6 months, she never will. Drop her off at a women's shelter. Sometimes unpleasant circumstances are a great motivation.
So you had to pay rent and
So you had to pay rent and expenses and then you were treated like a child? Yeah that's ridiculous. I'm all for the "treat the 'kid' like a kid" thing when the "kid" isn't being responsible, but you don't ask a minor child (who would be treated the way you described, and rightly so) to chip in for the bills so it is really apples and oranges eh?
All of that said, OP you are being too lenient and your SD really needs to get it together.
I do appreciate everyone's
I do appreciate everyone's comments and suggestions. My wife and I got into another argument about this yesterday because I posted a comment on our facebook page about having a babysitting service that is open EVERY weekend. Yes I agree, my SD's do seem to work better when they have a deadline to deal with.