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Greedy, Lying Adult Stepchildren

afrayedknot's picture

I am new to this forum and hope other users can help me. My husband has 3 adult children from another marriage and thankfully for me they live in another state. Ultimately my problem is with my husband but I am desperate for input from others in a similar situation. My husband's children are deceitful, dishonest, and lazy. Two of his grown children basically only call us when they want money--we never get calls like "Annie won the spelling bee at school" or "Joey hit a hone run in his ball game" only "I need money." Their main problem is they use their money for what they want then expect us (or other relatives) to pay for what was needed. I have learned to check out their Facebook pages because that is how you really find out what's going on! I have been as good to his children as I am to my own but there is no mutual respect nor does my husband demand it of them because his own relationship with them is fragile. This latest incident has me wondering if I really have a future with this man. Briefly, his son is 28, married with 1 child and one on the way. He lives rent free in an apt. owned by his grandfather (my father in law). He is supposed to "earn his keep" by keeping up my FIL's rental properties but we have proof that he is having to pay someone else to do it. We also found out that SS had put his utilities on his grandfathers' credit card as an auto pay but he "claims" it was a mistake. He also lies to the state and claims that he pays rent to get food stamps. I am aware that I have no control over what these others do but it shows me a pattern of entitled behavior that I do not intend to support. He has been in college off and on for the last 10 years and we have paid (or thought we had) for many classes and books; everytime we asked to see grades there was some lame excuse as to why he "didn't have them yet." Unfortunately my husband let it slide. Two years ago my husband bought himself a newer boat and his son begged for the old one saying he wanted to start fishing. My husband has always wanted his son to take interest in such things as he had always tried to get SS interested in something other than video games. Earlier this year after never using the boat he tells us that he wants to sell it. My husband told him that since he never used it and we feel that he took it on false pretenses that when the boat sold we were to get half the money and SS agreed. Last month we get an email telling us that the boat had sold but since "he needed the money worse that we did" he was keeping all of it. He claims he has to pay car insurance and health insurance, however his Facebook page was all about the fantastic trip he and his wife had just taken to Destin! My husband sent him a very mild email about this and the many other financial favors that we have done him but he has totally ignored us. SS turns around and calls my sister-in-law asking for money for tuition and books. Long story short is we find that after 10 years in college he has a 1.9 GPA and his GPA has never risen above 2.0! He can't even get a degree with that GPA yet he feels entitled to ask for someone to pay his tuition! He also got a settlement last year on a motorcycle accident of over 22K but has nothing to show for it and needless to say no money left. Add to this the SS has several times stolen prescription medication from both of us--controlled substance RX at that. My husband is reluctant to call him out on any of this because of the fragile nature of their relationship but my feeling is that the relationship is all a lie anyway because it's based on what he can get out of us. My husband is disabled and in the 5 years we've been together has had 3 major surgeries (with complications) where I have been the sole caregiver--his children never came to see him nor offered me a break from a 24/7 caregiving situation; they only called to check on him after he called his son and told him he didn't think he was going to make it through his last illness. (He developed a spinal abscess after back surgery that paralyzed him luckily only temporarily but it took months of antibiotic and physical therapy to be able to walk. We are still dealing with medical issues from this). My husband seems to not understand my anger where his son is concerned and says that I need anger management classes! This young man is spoiled, lazy and self centered, Yes he does have a job but feels that "his" money is to spend how he wants and he expects everyone else to pick up his slack. Right now I am refusing to be around his family at all because of this. Our dealings with one of his daughters' has been remarkably similar but she maintains that we have never done anything for her (we have paid off one car, paid for a contested divorce and paid deposits and rent to get her and her children situated after her divorce and she has also stolen prescriptions from us). I am currently in counseling and have advised my husband that this situation is unacceptable and must change or I cannot stay married to him with his current attitude toward his childrens' dirty dealing and I am prepared to back it up. I compare his childrens' behavior to my daughter, who is no saint to be sure, but she was raised to be responsible --she is the sole support of her husband and 3 children because her youngest has severe medical problems. It was decided between she and her husband that since she has the better job and insurance that he would become a stay at home Dad since their youngest (15 months) has a birth defect called Trisomy 13. The baby has a feeding tube in her stomach and breathes with a trach in her neck so finding daycare was impossible, thus the Mr Mom situation. My daughter also takes a full time load of college courses and just bought a house. As my husband will testify, she NEVER asks for anything and has often torn up checks we have sent saying "it's MY job to take care of my family." Needless to say she was raised by me to take responsibility and work hard since that is what she saw from me -- I had no parents to hit up for money so I always had to be careful. This makes the situation with his children so much more galling when I see my daughter working harder than a lot of men to take care of her family vs his son who feels no responsibility toward his. Please, please, share your input with me as I feel lost, used, and desperate!

doll faced sm's picture

"Aren't you the rope I just turned away?" Biggrin

Ok, joking aside, I'm so sorry for your situation. It seems you married a classic Disney Dad and Guilty Dad, and your story is one of many similar stories here. These men do not see what they are doing as anything negative. In their minds, they aren't enabling, they're "helping." What many of them don't realise is that they will one day not be here and then their kids will be forced to sink or swim. It's a very rude wake up call. For your own sanity, you have to decide if you will stay and simply ignore the behavior or leave because at this late age, he's not likely to change.

And yes, you are being used. You need to financially disentangle yourself from this man to as much an extent as you can. It may sound harsh, but based on your description of his health, you will probably out live him, and at this rate, he's going to deplete both of your assets leaving you alone and destitute after he's gone. Also, I would not rule out the possibility that his will leaves most or all of his assets to his children; you should definitely inquire about this. For example: If he, say, owned the home before you married, you are entitled half the accrued equity in the home since your marriage. He may not be aware of that and will the home to one or all of his kids leaving you a legal battle to try and obtain your portion of your marital assets that he willed away. Further more, you could be left homeless and the legal fees could consume any money you win.

Broken heart's picture

Hi afrayedknot,

I read your story..Sorry to hear about that...I don't know what to say but it seemed most of stepkids have had a big problem and our husband never realize how much damaged that effect to us..

I don't have any advice..Just want to cheer you up and i think you have a good daughter because you are a great person...Your goodness will protect you&your family foreever&ever... I believe in God and i knew from the fact that our status never gonna change our SS or SDH...

I have had a problem too..You can read my blog..Maybe, you might feel better for yourself that at least it's not just you who face this problem...Also, I'm not sure about my future with my BF because of this reason...

God bless you&your family always...

afrayedknot's picture

Re: Doll Face Luckily our finances are mostly separate --we are both retired so other than by law, he would be beneficiary of my 401(k) as I am his (we both retired from a major corporation.) Luckily our home is my premarital asset. I am still young enough (50) that if I had to I could go back to work but since I was able to retire under age 59 my money is fairly well tied up per Uncle Sam for the next 5 years (I do draw a monthly income that is fixed for that period). Yes I have great concerns that his children would would come in and lay claim to any thing of value that I would have to prove was mine before marriage which can be hard to do; I mean we take for granted that my own stuff is mine but it could get hairy. Thank you for your reply.

sandye21's picture

afrayednot, Doll Faced SM has a very good point: You need to be protecting yourself and your financial assets now. But I can really relate to this! I am to the end of my rope after 20 years of expecting DH to even defend my basic rights as a human being. He doesn't think it is his responsiblity to ask SD who has been uttelry rude and nasty to me for the entire 20 years to not scream and threaten me or to have respect me in my own home. He has placed her so high up on a pedestal he would even sacrifice the marraige instead of facing any rejection by her. Too bad he failed to instill any manners or consideration for others. And now he is reaping the 'rewards'! He whined because she didn't call or send him a Birthday Card. Next weekend is Father's Day and I strongly suspect he will be disappointed again. But God forbid if his princess swayed one inch on that pedestal! Last month we were in a restaurant and a waiter verbally attacked me because I simply asked why we had to wait so long for our meal while others who had arrived later than us were done wiht their meal. HD chastized me instead. Standard MO! My Sister was recently diagnosed with and it made me realize that life is too short to be miserable and frustrated - waiting for HD to do something. If this marriage lasts more than a year it will be a miracle.

Eyes Wide Open's picture

Just remember, what goes around comes around. Dh's kids will get "theirs" someday, and it will be sweeeeeeet for you! I do not understand why these parents (especially dads) feel the need to support their adult children throughout their lives. And, it kills me that they are afraid to make them mad because the kids may never speak to them again. What??????? Were your parents ever AFRAID to speak their mind to you? I know I am not afraid to lay it on the line with my grown daughter or her husband. If they screw up(which is rare!)they've got it coming. I figure I'm the mother until one of us dies.

As far as his ungrateful kids, my DH has a couple of those, too. Like yours, we only see/hear from them on gift RECEIVING occasions (Christmas and birthdays). It's insane. And then, when they do show up, DH's whole family kills the fatted calf like their sorry butts are royalty.

I feel you pain, dear......

afrayedknot's picture

I must say I am waiting for Father's Day with great anticipation since I know, like all the others we have spent together, he will not get a gift, a card, a phone call or an email from any of his children. I have asked him why, in the interest of his own self preservation, he puts me in second place when he has a better chance of me wiping his butt in the nursing home than his children but of course there is no good answer. He is fully aware that I have a plan mapped out ready to execute as needed---luckily I am financially independent of him. But I have to admit that having to ask for treatment that I should have been freely given is the thin edge of the wedge and we all know where it goes from there.

sandye21's picture

Same here! I hate the double standard! Like you his treatment of me has been pathetic in front of her. SD has never had the time of day for me (except to be nasty)- let alone a card or phone call and now I have to feel sorry for him?

angelbeth's picture

That is a shame. Have 3 adult kids and daughter and 2 stepsons. One stepson is evil.
We will not do anything else for him. He was ungrateful, when we helped him with his wedding. We talk to him only on holidays or if he calls. Husbands mom and Dad thought he was the best and treated him better then all the grand kids. He was a selfish brat and is a selfish adult. We disengaged from him and only talk to him when we have too. They need to be cut off, they are adults and nned to start acting like adults.
He has not been to visit in 14 months and only lives a hour away. Oh he called to say Happy Fathers day. Did not come to see husband but went to put Flowers on his Wife's dad's grave.
He only met him a couple times and the man died before they got engaged.

shoregal04's picture

Just to throw my comments in, I have 3 step children. I have been married to my husband for ten years. This year he finally put his foot down to the oldest step daughter, age 30, when she said that I was not her family. We have paid off her credit card twice and provided money when she overdrew her bank account. He also put his foot down to the stepson, we recently paid six thousand dollars of his school loans. Honestly, I never thought I would see these days come and it took patience, and common sense. Hang in there, I believe in what goes around, comes around, it just doesn't come when we want it. Father's day is here and neither one called or made contact. My thoughts are with you.

Runninmom's picture

Wow! You and I must be related lol! You just wrote my life story in a nutshell. It took my husband a long time to see the light. He is finally waking up from the slumber! It took bending over and getting his butt kicked about a gazillion times until he got it. Sending money all the time for SKids that think their money is to do "fun stuff" and our money is for their bills. I tell you, thank god for Facebook. Last time hubby sent money i was able to tell him (because SD is not to bright and post comments and picts all the time), that money went to pay for a nice weekend getaway, great adventure, camping trip or something else. Not for the "I have no groceries" that he initially thought it was for. Poor poor man, it is sinking in!

I just posted this in another thread, "Any relationship based on money is always going to be bad" and that is what is going on. Your husband needs to cut him off and deal with whatever reprocussions that happen. It is apparent that this SS only cares about himself and your hubbies money. Very sad and yes.... entitled. And the other part is, the SS is NEVER going to get it and you and hubby will be wasting your life energy trying to get him to see the light. If other family members want to float him i say, go for it but you guys really need to cut the umbilical cord and have a life for yourselves. If you want to buy three boats and take a world cruise then that is your business. And as far a school goes, did you know what motivated me to get A's? Paying for it myself!

Sweetnothings's picture

I caught the SD out, when I was still checking FakeBook, as I call it. A few months ago there was a sob story to DH, I have no money for food... Just enough money needed to get her through a week or so, she will pay him back, blah blah..... DH sent the money, well surprise surprise, it paid for a lovely night out and stay in a Hotel for SD and new bf !!! How sweet !!!! And we have never met this person, and SD doesn't forward any info unless pressed !!!! That hurt DH when I showed him the evidence !!!

I think all these little incidents are really starting to erk the DH and he is getting a little bit peeved, this may be why some things are a- changing !!!!! Not holding my breath, as it doesn't usually last, but you never know............