First time here, newly married, and dealing with adult step daughters
Hello everyone. I cannot believe how widespread this discontent seems to exist with stepchildren with their step parents. I have to say right off, I don't think of myself as a step mom. See, I met and married a wonderful man with 3 grown kids. We are both in our mid 50's. I came into the picture after the divorce was long filed and all the assets were divided, including separate living arrangements. My husband and I married 6 months ago after being together now for 2 years.
I am blown away at the difference between my husband's son and his 2 daughters. His son has embraced me since day one, completely understanding that dad hung in there for decades in an unhappy marriage, as did I in my marriage. Our meeting, engagement, and then marriage were some of the happiest days we have ever experienced. Everyone around us, including my own adult children were happy for us. Then there are his girls, or should I say, grown women in their mid twenties. I will go into more details the shenanigans he and I have dealt with in later postings, but it's suffice to say, these women are just so incredibly disrespectful of their dad and I, especially since he and I got married.
I am heartbroken that I have tried so hard to just be someone they could be comfortable with since I do understand how hard it must be to lose the family arrangement you grew up with. But my compassion has only made things worse, especially now that the youngest needed to move back in with us. Dad has been laying down some rules for this young lady to live in our home, but it's been rough. She completely blames me for dad growing a backbone.
I hate all this. I want to stay strong and not let her push me or her dad around, but everytime she tests us and we push back, she ups the "passive aggressive" behavior. I am truly scared that with time, my husband may begin to resent me if this drama doesn't stop. I feel guilty that I resent her behavior and my husband seems to be the only place I can turn. Until she can get on her feet and move out, I worry constantly that this girl will get her wish; that how she acts will eventually corrode what is now solid. I should mention that the older daughter tortured us the same way before she finally moved out, so this is something I can no longer deal with on my own. Please, if anyone can give me any comfort or insight, I would appreciate it. If the rest of the family and all our friends can see we are a great couple, why do both his girls give us such a hard time?
Thank-you for the words of
Thank-you for the words of encouragement. I know I am lucky that he is standing up to her, even though for many years, he by his own admission, he did not. I suppose in their minds, they had dad wrapped around their "entitled finger" before I came along.
Right now, the girl that is living with us is not even speaking to me because I had to handle an incident in her father's absence. I wish none of this bothered me, but it does. Of course her dad had spelled a few things out to her about her behavior, but the more he speaks up, the angrier she gets. I hope she either moves out soon and finds her own way, or understands she is lucky to have a roof over her head and that her dad and I have a right to our lives. After reading some of these stories here, I am still shocked that adult kids can act as bad if not worse, than their younger counterparts.
I do agree also that the boundaries has to come from the bio parent. I told my kids from day one that my husband was a good man and that he was to be respected. Period....end of story! Had my children ever treated my husband the way his daughters have treated me, they would have been completely on their own.
I am lucky I have been very
I am lucky I have been very direct with my husband about my feelings about this matter. After living with an abusive ex for many years, I made it crystal clear that I was nobody's "punching bag".
It does hurt to see how my husband is treated by kids at times. We both made the mistake of being "too nice" in a previous place in our lives and we both are struggling together to now be respected.
Funny, I finally have gotten to a place where my kids no longer treat me like a doormat, but now I have this to contend with. Uuugh!
It almost never works for
It almost never works for adult children to move back into the home. It causes problems even with intact families.
The first big mistake was allowing her to move in. I know - it's done now. But "circumstances required her to move back in" - bull. She could have gone to her mother, found roommates, etc. yes maybe a week or two of transition but grown adults should NOT be back in the home. ESPECIALLY if they cause problems.
Allowing someone in your home is a gift. Anyone who comes into your home and treats you poorly should be GONE. Like now. There will be no "coming around" for her. Don't put your hopes on that.
You need to get rid of her toxicity from your home ASAP. You don't need to "push back". You need to "shove her butt out of there".
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being direct. You can say to her "Your presence here is disruptive. You must leave."
Most agreed!!! The only
Most agreed!!! The only reason she was allowed back in last year, was for the fact she seem to be the daughter with some maturity and common sense. Perhaps even she herself didn't realize she would see me as such a threat and start acting out. She's a very "passive aggressive" girl that even makes him scratch his head at times. Makes me so mad because I can be a little more objective. I can only hope he that if he has to show her the door, he won't resent me for it.
You don't need to wait on him
You don't need to wait on him to show her the door. Just DO it.
Trust me, I WILL defend
Trust me, I WILL defend myself. I do hear what you are saying and I respect that. What is happening in my home is pretty new to me. I have only been married 6 months and getting a crash course in being a step parent. Up until this point, the one that has been living with us has at least been courteous to my face and I just figured the rest was awkwardness that would be cured with time. She is not speaking with me because I DID speak up to her and my husband backed me up when he got home. I don't regret defending myself; but I am left with a difficult situation. She will indeed be shown the door at some point. In all fairness to her, she has never been given a list of rules to live by; something my husband admits he should have done with all his kids in the past. So we all are evolving here and I came to this forum to learn. I do appreciate your reminder that I have a right to this home. And I do have faith my husband wants to protect it and our marriage. Time will tell.
Everything you described is
Everything you described is so on the mark with what I have been experiencing. There seems to be so much conflicting advice out there about dealing with step children. Most will say that it has to be the bio parent that lays down the law with the kids. Of course I haven't seen much out there with dealing with adult children. Laying down the law is what he just started doing, even if it is late in the game. Even a toddler will throw a fit the first time you say "No!". But yes, she is an adult and I am seeing that I have a right to speak up to her when she does things that are not acceptable under our roof. It is against my nature to be confrontational with people though. I still cringe at the thought. But I'm learning. The passive aggressive nature of her is what drives me insane because she plays the victim in every scenario. My husband is now seeing this in her as well and I think he feels alot of pain knowing she is not as sweet as he thought. You are so right about how passive aggressive types don't like to be revealed. Perhaps she knows that her dad will never see her in quite the same light again. It all makes sense.
It is amazing how they really
It is amazing how they really paint themselves as victims the moment you grow a backbone and defend your own rights. I have seen this time and time again in my life with different situations. It sucks when you don't have a confrontational personality to begin with.
She seemed to be the one he
She seemed to be the one he trusted to be mature. Not being a member of the family for a long time, I couldn't judge the situation well. I do remember not being too happy about starting a marriage with her here, being that she was not an easy person to read. I also have an older teen of my own living here, so I felt I didn't have alot of room to bitch about her coming back home. My teen is very respectful to my husband and to his step siblings, so I am lucky there. Alot of this has been a living and learning experience.
Funny, I worried more about
Funny, I worried more about my teenage son coming to live with us, being that he can be moody and such a darn teenager. In reality, his behavior is much better than what I expected, mainly because he has really bonded with his stepdad and doesn't feel threaten by my husband's kids. He is getting a crash course on "respect" and tells me often that he hates to see me or his stepdad not treated well by the others. Perhaps there is a silver lining in some of this. Even negative people can serve to teach.
Eactly. Why is it adult
Eactly. Why is it adult children can't mind their own business and be happy for their parents? They don't really want to spend much time with parents, they have their own lives to live. They should be glad their parent isn't alone and is happy. It's like the dog in the manger-they don't want the parent around much, but they don't want the parent with anyone else either. How selfish!
Kick her ignorant azz out! Use the very next time she acts out as an opportunity to tell her (as neutrally as possible, like you are firing an employee) that its not working out due to her attitude and set a time for her to leave. Don't give her months, give her a week or maybe two. If DH complains, tell him he hasn't handled the problem, and you won't be disrespected in your own house, therefore you are going to handle it. You may have to put your foot down strongly for him to understand. If this happened before with the other skid, he must know that it can't end well. Your solution is for this adult to leave and get her own place. You kindly gave her time to get it together and she repaid you by treating you like garbage. Remind DH that no adult will tolerate that behavior from another adult for very long and she's overstayed her welcome.
And after she is out, disengage from all of them and make it clear to DH that they can't live with you anymore-they must make their own way. Consider this as a Christmas gift to yourself-no more skid drama in the coming new year.
Yup. These kids have their
Yup. These kids have their own lives and the only time they whine about dad not giving them time is when he's with me. Grown adults, no less. I am certain if they were in our shoes, they would never put up with kids like themselves, given that they are pretty self absorbed people to begin with!!!
Once again, another story
Once again, another story that sounds just like mine! When she runs back to mom or her sister crying "victim", I just want to bitch slap her. It's a vicious cycle of fuel fed fires since my husband's ex and his other daughter are only too glad to hear that I am not loved by all. My husband is just beginning to really see dynamics of his family that he didn't quite want to see. I feel just as bad for him as I do for myself. If only people would just live their own lives and leave alone the other people to live theirs.
She is a grown woman not a
She is a grown woman not a child that needs to be provided for.
If your husband had a friend or a cousin that came for a year and treated you like crap would you put up with it? I certainly hope not.
Also wanted to add - you do not need to PROVE that she is doing x,y and z. The passive aggressive types will always have a defense. This is your home not a court of law.
Just make a DECISION that you will not longer provide a home for her. Give her a month - don't throw her stuff on the side walk unless she really crosses the line.
She has just been given a
She has just been given a written contract of the household rules which includes her behavior. My husband has vowed to show her the door if she cannot live by the rules. She is a very unhappy young lady right now as we expected. I am certain my husband wishes he had been a tougher parent before he ever met me. Kids without boundaries are generally very unhappy young adults, even without the step parent component.
She has been put on notice
She has been put on notice that she will have to live with her BM if she don't shape up. BM is in the loop, so this is a serious proposition on our part. SD is spending as much time away from the house that she can, so I am guessing she knows she is walking on thin ice. Of course she is telling other family members that we are being mean to her. Oh well....... It never had to be this way.