Feeling like an outsider
Have been married to my DH for 5 years. Prior to that, we were together for 10 years. His older kids had moved on to college by the time we got together and his younger kids lived with us but we shared time with their Mom. My son (the youngest of them all) has lived with us from the beginning. It was pretty rough at times, and we did not always agree on how to raise the kids. At one point, we were on the verge of ending it all, but a family tragedy brought us together again and it felt like we were better than ever.
All of the kids are now adults. As time as gone on, I have been left out of more and more of the step kids lives. We used to text and call each other quite often, but now, I can reach out to them and it is rare that I get a response and none of them reaches out to me. I have mentioned this to DH a couple of times over the last year or so, and he just tells me that I am insecure and that the kids have their own lives and are too busy to get back to me.
The oldest (32 year old son) just got engaged - currently lives on the other side of the country. He called my DH about two weeks ago to tell him his plans of the engagement. DH told me and I expressed to him how happy I was for SS. DH received a text from SS saying that she said yes and he was over the moon. DH sent a text back, told me that he told SS how happy WE were for him and his fiancee and WE were looking forward to seeing them soon. When he told me this, I felt like something just was not right. So I checked his text message and ALL of the messages to his son were about how happy HE was for him, and how HE would be seeing him soon. When I asked him about the difference between what he told me and what he texted his son, he got extremely angry and told me that I needed to work on my issues of insecurity.
Am I over reacting by feeling like maybe DH has something to do with the distance between me and his kids? Should I expect DH to apologize or do anything to make things better between us? This all came to a head yesterday morning, and he is acting like everything is just fine. When he tries to get a little affectionate, I pull away and he makes me feel like I am the problem.
Not sure how to proceed here. Feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.
DH LIED to you. Major issue
DH LIED to you. Major issue there that has nothing to do with the Skids. I would get this straightened out first.
Then if you have been in the skids lives for so long perhaps a call or letter telling them that you feel disconnected and would like to increase communications..obviously not in such formal words.
It's really up to them if they want to have the same relationship that you do. Funny thing about that it takes both sides to make any relationship work.
Good luck!
Thanks for that. You are a
Thanks for that. You are a clever girl. I most likely would concur, but he got so angry and defensive and came at me with the insecurity bit. Not sure now.
Yes, men like this are hard
Yes, men like this are hard and not likely to change, I have learned. They just do not see the light or cannot see it, or something, I do not understand at all. For me, to have sanity in my life disengagement was the only one too, same as the poster above.
So, so true Clevergirl: "But
So, so true Clevergirl: "But men are also famous for taking the path of least resistance and in this case, he may have truthfully expressed that HE was happy for his son, forgetting to say "WE." My DH has done this before. And when he told you the news, he likely edited it to "WE" because he realized THEN that that's what he should have said."
I will often hear DH speaking on the phone about I can't wait to come see your new place, I can wait to visit you, etc. I love you, and so on, with adult married SKs. It is rare for me to hear "WE." Perhaps he is accidentally on purpose forgetting to say, "WE." Part of me thinks he wants to have his own relationship with his own children too. Which is okay to a degree. I just don't want them to think that I don't exist or don't love them. DH and I have spoken about it before, but I've let it go at this point.
Yeah, a part of me thinks it may be a cowardly act too. As in, I don't want to say WE because SKs might be confused about if I mean me and my current wife, or me and their mother. All sorts of weirdy unconscious stuff like that goes on all the time with bios and steps. I suppose it is what it is. I mean, unless you want to put a big note pad in front of DH's face when he on the phone or computer that says "WE."
I have a husband who never
I have a husband who never uses the word "WE". Its like its taboo! for instance the car WE bought my stepdaughters came from him! Frustrating to say the least. No matter how many times I say it bothers me.
Heaven said: It is not on
Heaven said: It is not on your husband to force them to have a relationship with you.
Agree. However, when SKs are working to exclude SM, it is on your husband to tell them that they can have as much contact with him as they like-with the understanding that his wife is entitled to the same courtesy and inclusion that they expect him to show their partners.
You don't need a relationship with them. But social exclusion is cruel, especially if SK's end goal is to get their daadddeeeee back. And what OP is describing is the first step on that road.
This works for your SM and
This works for your SM and dad, because they are both okay with being more partners than husband and wife, as per your comment, "She spends way more time matriarching than wifing." This arrangement works for them. However, there should not be the expectation that every SM or dad's wife is okay being merely a partner. When most women marry, they want a husband and not a partner, and there is a big difference.
I think you are right tho. that many make the assumption that a SM's place is to be more of a partner than a wife. To me, tho., would anyone other than the wife of DH ever be expected to settle for being a partner than a wife? The answer is No.
This is where I think age and the order of when dad gets remarried can really come into play. An older dad and SM may be more comfortable with the partner-type relationship, and it is not just for step-parents alone. Other marriages, can involve more than a partnership than a marriage, or more of a business-type relationship.
I can almost assure you tho., if it is the woman's first marriage and the husband's second, she is going to expect a husband not a partner. AND, the definition of marriage is husband and wife or wife and wife, etc., and not partner and partner.
So, given that, I really do not think anyone has right to assume that when dad remarries, his wife should act like or settle for being a partner rather than a wife. I'm not saying that is what is going on here, necessarily. BUT, I am saying that just because more of a partnership works for your SM and dad or others you have seen, don't expect that to be how it should go for every SM and dad relationship.
Yes, this is what I'm reading
Yes, this is what I'm reading into this response too: "Or intact as in the only important marriage?"
Why in God's name would a woman who is married for the first time with no children, being married to some guy with children, ever expect her marriage to be anything less than a marriage? It is your first marriage, and you are supposed to just intuitively know that you just screwed yourself and now have to settle for being second wife? I don't think so.
AND, I've been on this forum for over a year, and what SMs are looking for or trying to do is not FORCE a relationship between them and their stepkids. What 99% of the SMSs here are simply looking for is respect. Most of them, once they get thru the initial shock, could care less about forcing a relationship.
Yes, there are some SMs in second marriage and it is their husband's second marriage as well, and they have more-so a partnership agreement or arrangement. Not that there is anything wrong with that. That is their choice. But, what is really, really wrong, is everyone, even some SMs themselves, going around assuming that a second marriage = partnership, easily dispensable, BM is supposed to still be #1, etc. No one should make the assumption about a marriage, and that is not even the definition of a marriage.
A marriage is two people on equal grounds, and if anyone else wants to argue otherwise, go ahead. AND, just like any marriage, what you do to one, you do to the other. So, if SKs go around pissing on SM, disrespecting her, making fun of her, so on and so on, then they are doing it to their dad too. Thus, if dad wants to continue to have a relationship with them fine, but SM doesn't have to. Of course dad is going to feel conflicted. So, basically the SKs just screwed their dad over rather than SM. Good for them--not.
That is one thing that I really learned here--no one has the right to define what your marriage should be. If you want to be husband and wife and act like such, by all means be and act like husband and wife--act 100% like husband and wife, because there is no such definition as 1/2 spouse. You do not have to settle for being labeled and being treated like sloppy seconds by anyone. And, Hell to them if they try to do so.
Yes to HRCity and Idvilen. I
Yes to HRCity and Idvilen. I took vows in my second marriage that included little things like love honor and cherish and let noone put asunder. I cannot think of a single couple we know where we would invite one member and not the other. My DH has supported some pretty heinous relationship choices with his kids. Works both ways.
Of course, this position may not work. At this point it feels like just backing out and saying SKs once again get whatever they want with respect to their father''s spouse is the wrong choice for me. Ultimately DH will decide what is the right choice for him. Stay tuned.
I just have to ask -- did you
I just have to ask -- did you go to one of your skid's wedding's in a red dress? Seriously considering it for SD's upcoming nuptuals. I know it's passive-aggressive but I'm not sure I can resist.
This is not an either-or
This is not an either-or thing.
It is possible that OP's deteriorating relationship with SKs is not an indication of the dramatic knives in her back that mine turned out to be. My situation included overt coordinated SK attempts to end our marriage. These attempts included splitting and isolating behaviors as strategy.
I never cared about DH seeing his kids without me until I became aware of what they were doing.
This has been a long 3 years, with occasional periods of light at the end of the tunnel. I do not need or want a relationship with any of these SKs. DH is entitled to have his spouse treated with the same courtesy and inclusion that SKs have demanded for their never-ending stream of partners. Period. Remember In my case they drove their own mother away, using the same tactics.
If my SKs splitting behaviours were not part of a clearly stated end-game to destroy our marriage, I would not stand so firmly here. DH has been required, for the first time ever, to tell his kids NO.
OP's situation may not be this dire. I was only pointing out the trajectory seems similar.
my thoughts exactly! some
my thoughts exactly! some people are such hypocrites.. its only good when they've dishing it out but when its done to them they don't like it. these skids need a reality check. Do onto others as youd have done to you.
Social exclusion???? The man
Social exclusion???? The man like especially on the other side of the country.
He calls/texts his father. His father shares the info with the OP. He isn't obligated to have the same type of relationship with his SM that he has with his father.
Maybe his kids just aren't interested in having a relationship with the OP. That is their choice. As long as they aren't being rude or disrespectful to her, then they aren'tdoing anything wrong.
that's the key... not being
that's the key... not being rude or disrespectful.. that's where the problems come.I think we should all be able to be civil around people we don't like. Don't we learn this from preschool. Play nice--and with everyone.
Exactly, exactly StepAside,
Exactly, exactly StepAside, so surprised and actually saddened to learn-- so many people share the same BS situation in their lives, as me. At the same time, I am pleased I am not alone and I have people here who truly understand.
The issue seems to be that he
The issue seems to be that he lied about what he said. You found out and instead of apologizing or even admitting to what he did, he turned it back on you. My guess is that your dh is a type of man where apologizing does not come easy. In the 25 years that I was with my ex he only apologized once and he apologized by saying "I am sorry you feel that way". Not, "I am sorry for my actions." In all the years he refused to acknowledge that he did anything wrong at all. A strategy my ex used was like your Dh was to reverse it back on me, as a way to condition me, so that I would not point out when he did things that were not right.
Maybe you should just tell your DH is that he distorted the facts and instead of admitting what he did, he just reversed it so that you would feel bad for bringing it to his attention. All he needed to say was "I am sorry, I just wasn't thinking" and you would have probably just let it go.
Maybe you misjudged the
Maybe you misjudged the closeness you thought you had with the Skids. You may have invested a lot of time trying to create a relationship with the skids. It hurts when the realization comes through that you are now not important enough in their lives for them to go out of their way to respond to you. They may have been accommodating to you for their Father and now that they are grown they no longer want to do it.
And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Look upon it as simply a new direction - something more mutual. You no longer have to select gifts for them or be bothered in their lives so you can give more to people who show you they love you. DH can take care of all skid stuff from now on - since he obviously wants to be a single entity to them rather than a husband to a woman who has been wonderful. Let him know that it will be all on him until he can start using "WE" again. The anger thing is a tool to get you to shut up. Make a short statement about how the skids no longer communicate with you or a short statement about his lying, and let him digest it for a while. If he gets mad he will have to get over it.
DH does weird crap like this
DH does weird crap like this too. When he's talking to his friends he'll say something like," I'm taking the wife and family (my kids) to such and such...." If he's on the phone w/one of his sons he'll say, "I'M going to such and such..." It threw me for a loop when he first did it but now I just roll my eyes. Skids like to pretend their father is a lonely hermit eunuch. What he says to skids just doesn't concern me at all as long as my needs are being met.